Chilling In Cali

Vanglorious...

This is indeed protected by the red, the black and the green...

With a key...

I am currently on mini hiatus, somewhere tucked away in Long Beach being taken care of by a special friend and being accommodated by their family. I got a chance to spend time, get to know and break bread with the fam over the last 3 days and I'm thankful for this opportunity, I needed a break. I guess I need to tell y'all how I got here by letting you know:

How I Spent My Summer Vacation
By Hassan Ntimbanjayo


I was tired of corporate America but y'all know that.
I've been working on my music and poetry thing, y'all knew that too.
Chicago started to bore me, so I got rid of all of my possessions and just left.
Told y'all that.

I decided to go to trucking school and learn how to drive the big rigs. I kind of told y'all that as well but I didn't get all in depth with it. I chose a school in Salt Lake City because I visited before and was familiar with the lay of the land. For 3 weeks in July I submerged myself in learning how to drive a big ass death machine. I never wanted to do this for a living until I had a breakthrough moment:

I can get paid (a lot of money) to travel.
I can create my own schedule (if I own or lease a truck instead of being a company driver)
I can book shows as I travel (seems to be working well for now)
I can also do ghetto distribution for my CD (consignment is working as well with certain retailers, everyone seems to be more open to purchasing for inventory when I deal with them face to face than over the phone, not shocking)
I would be no longer rocking a too small office with a bad view of the parking lot or a cubicle.

So since August began, I've been an apprentince driver as a part of a driving team. We've been able to rock from Cali to either Florida or New York in 2 days flat because the truck has always been moving. Since the beginning of the month, I've been able to get to Atlanta, Miami, Nashville, Las Vegas, Portland, Indianapolis, I think you get it... I've been a few places via I-40/70/80. For the most part it has been fun when it started, and then I realized that the cat's truck I was team driving for was HIS TRUCK, and all of these selfish ass rules started to fall out of the sky restricting me from doing my thang, I got off of HIS truck.

Right here in beautiful southern California.
I'm glad I did.

My training is somewhat over, I do have to get either to Dallas or Salt Lake in order to get the truck I ordered and get out on my own, so I have some administrative stuff to do to get there in a couple of weeks. I am blessed to have someone that's looking out for me here in Cali...

The CD is almost done...

I'll be posting regularly once I get my truck, I got a few things to do first. I'm safe, about 15 pounds lighter and 3 shades darker.

and chilling in Cali.

I hit the road again this weekend. Keep praying for me.

Oh Snap... A new post!!!

Peace and blessings folks...

Long time, no write.

I know it's been a minute since I've physically posted, I've been a little busy driving as an apprentice and have been frpn the west coast to the east twice now. Yes, I have some good trucker shit to share but give me time. I have not been back to the Chi to get my things because my so-called trainer gets paid double what he normally makes and will not let me get some home time.

Bastard.

It's cool though, I only have one more week riding and driving with his stank ass and have 3 more weeks riding partner with another trainer. here is so much money in this business that I am coveted by trainers and companies alike. At least that feels good.

I'm currently at a truck shop in Nashville getting dude's cheap ass truck repaired, It's the 2nd time it's broken down since I've been in the mix. Dude did everything for me not to stop in Atlanta to get the truck fixed, Haven't hd the chance to even pay my cell phone bill... couldn't call my peeps in the ATL for sanctuary.

Shit.

It's all good though... One more week of driving with dude, then I's really be free.

Pray for my stank ass... More to come soon, and pics too.


Thank the creator for cybercafes...

Peace y'all...

Hassan

This is not farewell...

Peace and blessings family,

Reading these words means that massa has found work for me and I have to get to it. The weekend will be spent constructively traveling and settling into new digs at the training facility. I will be here for the next few months so I expect my new duties and responsibilities to take time from me and change my current internet and posting habits.

This is not goodbye.

I will be offline for a few days but know that I have the power and equipment (and corporate too) to get here and keep in contact with all of y'all. I just know for the upcoming week or so it'll be harder for me to post due to time and resource restraints.

Plus I got my itenary.

So before I jet up outta here I have a few things:


Nobody likes a smart ass... Fuck that, keep on blogging, that's what it's made for.

I know it's hot out but you could have come to work with a larger shirt/blouse...

That new Dave Chappelle joint was funny...

Do not be ashamed to say you spent ten bux to see "little Man" this weekend. Don't trip cause' I got an advanced ticket. And I got a thing for Kerry Washington. And so what that the Wayans family is straight ig-nant.

That anonymous comment pissed me off from yesterday's post. I forgot that I changed templates and permissions and got hit with a long, chastising one. Normally whomever that was (from South Africa, no doubt. I got Sitemeter bitches!) wouldn't had the chance to get one in there. I hear you, thank you for stopping by and respect your opinion but next time:

I'm a grown ass man. This is my blog. And I like cussing dammit. Learned it as a child, perfected it in the military, gets off when it affects other folk because I personally know the power of the word FUCK. Makes some people cringe. I like that. Sometimes. Next time get your weight up and at least use someone else's name. Real talk for a minute: How you gon' chastise a grown ass on his blog nonetheless on what words he chooses? I write just like I speak, and if you ain't feeling my cusswords then fuck... I won't apologize cause it's who I am. Furthermore and no disrespect, you can always create your own blog and Doowhatchyoolike (can you see Humpty?) cause your response was long as fuck and had nothing to do with the topic at hand. That shit pissed me off and then I realized...

I forgot to disable anonymous comments and shit when I changed templates. Consider that a freebie.

Why did I have over 100 pairs of shoes and couldn't decide which ones to keep this past weekend?

Did I mention that the newest #3 wearing a Bulls uni is a bit tougher and polished than the last? Can I also say that for the next 2-3 years we'll be saying 'fuck D.Wade and the King" a lot with that smothering defense?

Pino: Y'all getting Alley-I. Still doesn't matter. Paul just signed an extension ant it ain't enough balls to go around for that offense to score.

Condileeza Rice still rocking the same do from the Clinton administration.

Tornado = New York as Rapture = Humankind

Nikki Indigo took you deep into Dallas with that piece, right? Go to her blog by looking over ----> there.

I got nothing else. I'll catch up with y'all in a week or so. Wish me luck and pray that I don't get lynched.

Thanks for paying attention to my stank ass.

Hassan.

My Screwface List... And my dream

Damn, moving around makes the brother busy.

I need to make the ultimate playlist to get my mind right. I got the mind to hook up what I like to call my 'screwface list', that usually being a bunch of cuts on the iPod that make a brother scrunch up the face while at the gym messing with that heavy stuff. As I'm on the road, I see that need some screwface music to get that face going. I'll save the Conya Doss, Incognito and EWF for when I get to the restspot.

I'm digging thru the hard drive right now, blowing dust off of the M.O.P., OGC, Redman and some Three 6 Mafia cuts that give me the hardest of screwfaces. Yeah, that'll do it. That, the pro-black powerfist T-shirts and just the aura of the dread should keep em' away. I don't know what it is, maybe the Gnarles Barkley vibe I'm currently in is making folks wanna walk up to me and ask the strangest shit.

"Is that all of your real hair?"

"Oh my, are you from here?"

"What made you want to travel to this part of the US"

How long have you had your hair?"

"Does it hurt to have it looking like that?"

"I hear that you have to have your hair at its dirtiest to make it look that way. How can you go that long without washing your hair?"

(what?)

"Your English is full of clarity, like you were born here. Impressive."

"Oh, you're from here? Wow, I wouldn't have guessed by looking at you."

"Wow, is that an iPod? Where'd you get yours?"

"You sound so educated..."

(whatever. I must remember that we only make up 11% of the populous and most of em don't see much of us outside of TV. Gotta remember that. Please, can't forget that)

Don't know about you, but I like to left alone as I go to and fro. I speak, make eye contact and give the head nod in succession to the next cat, kitten or elder like I'm from Savannah, GA but when I got bags and am at the monitors trying to find out what terminal I'm supposed to be in I got 2 words for ya':

Stay the hell back

So I need to make my list and check it twice before I jap the hell out and you be reading about my ass in your local paper under 'National Headlines'.

Lord help me...

Here goes my list, watchu think:

Real N**** Roll Call - Lil John f/Ice Cube
Cell Therapy - GooDieMoB
Da Rockwilder - Meth and Red
Knock The Black off Yo Ass - Three 6 Mafia
Who Got Gunz - Gangstarr f/Fat Joe & M.O.P.
How About Some Hardcore - M.O.P.
Time For Some Akshun - Redman
Wild For The Night - Rampage f/Busta Rhymes
F*ck The Police - NWA
Got You All In Check (Whoo Ha) - Busta Rhymes
Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos - Public Enemy
GunClapp - Smif N Wessun
Reign Of The Tech - Beatnuts
Strictly For My N****s - 2Pac
Amerikkka's Most Wanted - Ice Cube
Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down - Brand Nubian
Throw Your Gunz - Onyx
Kick In The Door - Notorious B.I.G.
Read These Nikes - Geto Boys
B.D.S. (Bust Dat Sh*t) - De La Soul
Danger - Blazay Blah
Let's Get Dirty - Redman f/Fat Man Scoop
Come Clean - Jeru The Damaga
6 In Tha Mornin - Ice T
Fight The Power - Public Enemy
Never Seen A Man Cry - Scarface
Natural Born Killaz - Dr Dre and Ice Cube
Bring The Pain - Method Man
I Don't Give A F*ck - Lil John & The Eastside Boys
CANNON - Busta Rhymes f/Papoose
High Powered - RBX
No Escaping This - Beatnuts f/Greg Nice

Just a small sample of what I'm syncing to get the scowl back. In my traveling and maneuvering I've lost my frown and am smiling more and that's attracting people in my direction. If this keeps up, I'll start hugging folks and striking up convo with perfect strangers. I might even start playing with children in terminals, shaking hands and kissing babies like I'm on some ballot in 2008.

Wait...

That's a damn good idea.

Me, the Hip Hop demographic, a platform based on returning to values based on grass root support to build inward, thus creating a new cornerstone that infastructure can be built from within the hood, job growth and stabilization based on software and hardware certification to high school graduates and manufacturing and repair of related networking devices thus bringing our community closer to the digital divide. Building service related factories in the hood, keeping these jobs in the US and giving tax breaks to the companies that build em' and enticing them to stay with long-term bonds used to finance the facilities, creating more opportunities for entry level and non-degreed individuals giving them a shot at management positions based right in their own neighborhood. Partnering with labor unions to address the shortage of truck drivers and rail workers by mobilizing hiring drives in low-income areas. Proposing a payroll deduction bond program for working parents to contribute to a 529 education plan for their children. Yes, pre-tax dollars put in an interest bearing bond account that matures when your child is ready for college, sweet. Approaching corporations like Microsoft and Cisco to offer certification academies at the high school level, thrusting teenagers into networking by offering pre-college credit, scholarships based on certification and the opportunity at the many $30k plus networking jobs right out of high school. Hell, I might even suggest an internship program from the 10th grade until graduation, and a partnership with accredited institutions to offer an accelerated degree program along with those certifications. That'll put em at $40k before they turn 25. Oh, and open enrollment and better explanation of benefits for Medicare eligible retirees. Oh, and a father training academy for male parents under 21 years of age.

Maybe I'm dreaming and wishing too much for change... That music/screwface thing has my mind going.

Life in the country is fine

Blogging from the road is hard. I got photos but give me a minute... Left the USB cable back in never neverland.

Yeah, it's official, I had to move up my plans and get on the grind a little sooner than expected. Until late September/early October I'll be a hotel living, company-provided transport riding, chocolate coffee bean eating trying to stay awake, penny pinching budgeting ass brother in training.

Wish me well.

This is a significant change from what I thought I was going to do. Not only have I left Chicago, I also left my job, family and friends and all of my possessions that I could not give away or sell (minus sentimental shit and freedom papers), and that felt oddly good.

I think.

I've been eluding to starting over from scratch and it seems that I was forced into doing it like this thanks to a few situations and opportunities that presented themselves rather quickly. I'm looking at this more as a challenge now and I'm measuring myself in every step to make sure I'm where I want to be and I get what I want. I was in some type of Matrix induced haze (thanks Coreen) living in the Chi and I had no real support with what I was trying to do from those that I thought I was close to me. I don't fault anyone but myself. I know that everybody has their own shit to muddle thru, I just thought that the time, effort money and support I used to be right there for a lot of folk went unappreciated. People did shit for me and I do appreciate that, but, the bad outweighed the good.

Some people just can't see what I saw. I thought I saw God in a lot of folk but I was mistaken. Hell, I am the company I keep so there wasn't a whole lotta' God in me, so I had to break free, straighten up and fly right.

So, I got rid of all the things that attatched me to those places, people and things that ate me up inside. I'll start over. I'm traveling extensively in this new job, and maybe if ATL ain't the place for me to be then I'll find where I need to be and build my fortress of solitude there.

Trust me when I tell you that I'm a little afraid. This is where I step out on faith to replace that. Sister Serenity told me that fear is the opposite of faith so I'll replace my fears and put all things in His hands. Now if I could just stop cussing...

I can breathe now. I feel like I just lost 100 pounds. I actually smiled for my job profile photo today and It feels good to be here with myself, by myself. I wish I would have had this courage to step away years ago. Imagine where I'd be if I would've done that!

It's a good Monday, I hope all of y'all are having one. I'm sitting here laughing to myself, thinking about that whole first day of the rest of your life saying that some people use. That makes me smile even harder because I'm being forced to do something about it in every sense of my actions. In re-launching me I have to be on it every damn day. As it stands right now all I have tangible is this job and nothing else. I'll worry bout' the apartment in a few weeks. First thoughts had me not enjoying this, but I am enjoying what I do for a change and not drudging the whole work thing because that definately bleeds over into everything else.

Thank God for change because change is good.

Nah, just thank God. Sometimes We are given too much and we can get lost in that. Material possessions can always be obtained, you can always put people around you, but if you fail to put yourself with the right people in the right areas you will indeed fail. That's what I did. I put them and those before The Father and myself. The domino effect of BS was the sobering red pill that woke me up and convinced me to take myself out of the Matrix. No offense to those friends and fam back in the Chi, I still love y'all but you know everything was just wrong. I was wrong for being there so I'm correcting some things. I get the message now loud and clear and that is you can't be where you aren't either wanted or appreciated. Sometimes it's best to go it alone and I knew this, but I kept on pushing. With my actions, in time other things will be corrected as well we just gotta have patience. Now that I removed myself from the equation a furious burden was lifted off of me and I feel 100 times better about self and situation.

Life in the country is fine.

I love that song...

Mork calling Orson... Come in Orson

Thanks for putting up with my long ass posts in the past week. Trust me, they'll get longer (probably) and more in depth (most likely) in the next few weeks. I'm sure you noticed the pre-mixedness about them, right?

No?

Oh, okay.

Good.

It helps to prep things in advance when switching zip codes. I'm already there, you just don't know it yet.

I need some housewarming gifts, I came empty handed.

Good thoughts, good weekend, and thanks for the support and comments...

Hassan

Bigger Than Hip Hop?

It's time to acknowledge that there is a rift, better yet a split causing members in our various beloved generations to make noise, airing out grievances in mainstream media.

I think that this is more of an internal thing and is something that we should address ourselves without assistance from others from the outside. Yes, I believe that we should still have a secret brotha/sista coalition complete with secret handshakes as well as nice digs in various cities to house said secret meetings to boot.

The whole Oprah versus Hip Hop thing will get overblown and overanaylized and if we ain't careful someone will take shorts based on bias and favoritism by the others, and because sister Winfrey is the end all-be all to most in that business hip hop can and probably will surely lose based on what cats like Luda, 50 and Cube are standing on.

No doubt, I've shaken my ass, bobbed my head and recited a lyric or two from all of these artists. I've seen the movies (except for 50's 'Get Rich' joint) with firm enjoyment and I definitely respect these cat's creative flow, writing style and business sense, but I have to admit that when it comes to respect, although these brothers and others (specifically Ice Cube over the last 20 years) although they have generated BILLIONS of dollars or revenue for their respective handlers, corporations and production facilities and have sparked all types of new business based off of their talent, wit and drive hip hop will only get respect from the streets and those obsessed with it outside of the hood.

Corporate America hasn't really respected Hip Hop as a viable culture outside of it being an ever changing merchandise maker. Billions have been invested, the input of those resources are only there because there is a guaranteed return based on a niche audience infatuated with how and what we do, and it ain't all of us in the hood pumping all that money in it like you think we are. There is a lust for to be a part and to learn our culture based on our people being able to invent and reinvent for survival and to most this is a brilliant thing. How we survive by creation is so impressive.

Imagine how Hip Hop culture started when music programs were non existent to nil in our school public school systems back in the late 60s and early 70s. I imagine how we created a style of dress, linguistics and a whole new genre of music based off our material shortcomings and resources in the hood. We took records and let the party emcee talk shit over the break part of the record while the party was going. The emcee sparked party participation to the point of frenzy and that response from the audience that he or she developed made them into distinct personalities, causing each of them to be known as that neighborhood's crowd movers and live-wire hosts in which they rocked.

Modern versions on how we dressed when we went to these parties can now be found in the windows of Macy's and other clothing outlets and it generates hundreds of millions of dollars as an industry leader and trend setter. Magazines, printed media and DVD culture spawned from mixtapes and breakbeat records generates millions. The cool lingo and street speak created by hustling culture and the code of the streets now influences major advertising and marketing campaigns outside of out neighborhoods and is mainstream as hell. It causes folks that do not look like us to speak in a manner that makes their parents and grandparents heads snap.

Just think: The Budweiser "WASSUP" commercial series is known as the greatest advertising campaign ever as voted by various respondents aged 24-64 polled from various backgrounds, cultures and financial brackets nationally as reported by multiple mainstream American market research companies from the year 2000 to present. People remember that catchphrase years later and it did what it was supposed to do, bring attention to a certain product or service...

That's impact.

It's also hoodspeak repeated on the regular by those that would have never heard it if it wasn't for that commercial series. Thanks Charles Stone III. This cat also directed the hip hop period piece "Paid In Full" starring Wood Harris and Mekhi Phifer back in 2002. Small door opens, larger opportunity awaits.

Damn. Why would we need validation from someone else when we have validated ourselves just by us being us?

We do influence other cultures by way of colorful language, clothing and mannerisms because we are uniquely American with African DNA. Because we are mutts in a sense of being bred, having split our pure blood ties from Mother Africa through years of rape, slave breeding and relations with other cultures we are a careful creative derivative from the norm, capable of existing within any time, space and culture. Without disrespect to who we are, we exist like cockroaches on this Babylon-ish planet, always able to reinvent and be fine whether it be negro spirituals, ragtime, jazz, rock and roll, rhythm and blues, soul or hip hop. And that's just culture based off of music. We pioneer so much in other realms as well but my focus right now is hip hop.

We exist within other cultures because we have no true biological American identity and links to our cousins back home have been somewhat severed. Outside of the digital medium we have today we were somewhat isolated from research tools to find where we came from, but thanks to Dr. Henry Louis Gates and great scholars of the like that link is becoming re-established thanks to DNA research, the internet, TV and plain old networking.

That's another post, another convo. We'll get there, but back to how this relates to Oprah and Hip Hop...

Ice Cube, Ludacris, 50 Cent and have all built their careers on the foundation of rap lyrics that aren't so friendly to certain folk in the community, competition and sisters in general. I personally have a problem with someone asking for love from the community when he or she is spouting off bullshit about the hood and those in it. Contradictory. I respect 50's gangsta businesswise I really do, but the fact that he's calling out folk on his record as stupid, bitch ass niggas, objectifying women as well as bragging about crimes and misdemeanors (as well as felonies), us buying his shit making him rich while sheepishly dancing to it makes me wonder if we'll ever hold them accountable for their actions.

Ludacris has bonified hits, but I cannot support him as well as he specifically points out women and carves out lyrical tales of dickery (yeah, I made that up) against bitches, hos and groupies. That shit is tired. There is a market for it, no doubt, but as these artists grow they must know by looking at their returns and numbers that the influence grows as well. To ask for even ground with Oprah and others in her arena isn't in my opinion the thing to do at this moment.

I can see Russell and other old school cats that have laid foundation and groundwork for political, social and artistic change getting respect like what some want based off of action over the years. I do know that some of these brothers looking for mainstream acceptance and others have set up non-profits and have foundations, but understand that is has to be manifested at a grass roots level first and change has to be made and influences have to be recognized by those receiving assistance in order to be recognized outside of the hood once again, over the years. Respect is earned with time and effort. Holding one's nuts on stage and rocking the microphone a respected force for change does not make.

Because Oprah controls her media empire she can pick and choose who she associates with and when. Not saying that these cats don't have the reach that Ms. Winfrey has, it's currently on a different level. They perform. She performs but over the last 20 years has planted seeds of change and provoked thought with her works and its spinoffs. Wanting the global spotlight to gain a wider audience is what we all would want if we were in their shoes, but understand that folks like Oprah, especially ones that control such a large portion of what their genre sees and hears based off of their own personal opinion is a generation or two separated from these cats and her listening tastes and understanding of the culture is based on what her and her peers deem as just as far as preference and tastes goes. Maybe she chooses to listen to Hip Hop that is not threatening or insulting to her. She has that choice, ya know?

Rappers creating songs like 'A Bitch Is A Bitch' and 'Move, Bitch' aren't ways to impress Ma and Pop Dukes or songs to have our children listen, learn or dance to. It does buy them the house and help them gain acceptance and privilidge based on revenues earned from its niche audience, but it's not enough. We realize that this is only entertainment, but in the same breath we must also realize that a lot of the lyrical content spouted off and actions performed by some of these cats are harmful in nature based on exactly WHO it influences. Hip Hop is marketed to young folks and its combination of the multiple facets that are its makeup within the culture is marketed as cool and the thing to do.

There are other artists out there on all levels within this culture that can help create balance within our culture. It's not all vulgar and disrespectful, we must understand that the huge marketing machines behind some of these artists know that sex and violence sells. We must maintain control over what we and our children listen to. The streets (and our kids) are indeed watching so the same argument used about movies and shows must be utilized. Hip hop cannot be the exception. There are multiple styles and versions of this culture aimed at different audiences and ages. We cannot go forward thinking that hip hop is only what Cube, Luda and 50 represents in their music when there is so much more from its related subcultures.

So Oprah doesn't have to do anything for these cats, and why should she when the legacy and love for an artist is based in the body of that artist's work. For someone considered outside the culture to look in and base opinion based off of foundation, it would be hard to want to get close to these particular artists. Not saying we can't grow as people and/or artists but..

How long will we condone these grown ass men and women (some married, with children) to pump that BS to us and we accept it as the mainstream with it being so available to our kids and elders? There is and should be a balance of music, arts and media available to us so we should be in control, buck the mainstream and dictate what's good to us.

I don't expect Oprah or anyone for that matter that has the ability to look from another perspective to accept something that is not quite geared for or to them. When one listens, he or she should be able to see things for what they are. Certain performers do what makes them money and gains them favor from their niche audience and have no concern for anyone else outside of that demographic. It's hard for anyone to take that shit seriously when all you hear or read is straight material bullshit in their works.

I ask again, how long will we condone this? How long will we have these cats represent us and we say nothing, turn our heads and walk away? Where's the balance in hip hop and why does Oprah have to validate it with certain folk?

Independence Of...

We'll start here:

And so the subject of political change has been the topic in summer conversation.

A lot of folk in the community have spent considerable time in the last few years pointing fingers at our president for staring a war he had no clue congress voted in favor of a few days after September 11th. Now we know he jumped the bandwagon and did something no other president since Roosevelt has and that's claim responsibility for said war, but as long as there are hundreds of senators and congresspeople combined that have the power to veto our commander in chief and we are salary paying constituents with the right to both bear arms and form a militia to overthrow corrupt government I believe that the war is our burden and responsibility.

We haven't done shit.

I am not ashamed to say that out people are blatantly misinformed and ignorantly ranting about who's fault this or that is. I am not here to correct folks or try to force my ideals and beliefs on anyone, It just makes my ass itch something terrible when I hear black folk in America go on about how it is someone else's fault about this, that and such, causing conversation and debate so heated that only releasing George W's name as root, cause and solution as far as removal goes from one's lips is the end all-be all one time fix to open the doors prosperity for all communities.

Bullshit.

As far as I can remember I've been in a fucked up situation as a black man in America way before America's first CEO president took office.

Shit wasn't better when Clinton was in office either, so don't even go there with me. And if you want to get into the cost of living/cost per barrel oil/gas debate with me, there is proof that under the Reagan administration the cost adjustments and undue increase of demand of billions of barrels of oil with the help of stateside petrol companies along with cooperation of the auto industry to support OPEC's efforts to maneuver itself as top dog supplier AFTER we run everyone else dry has been supported by every sitting president including the so-called 'black' one.

Black Americans have always been duped. And the jedi mind tricks by the Democratic Party in general must stop.

And proper understanding of how each party works is in order.

Still doesn't mean we support either. And yes, I voted Republican in quite a few elections based on actual research, thought and calculation, not just based off of general opinion of certain personalities that have created opportunities for themselves by being vocal and outspoken through various forms of the media.

Leads me to my question.

You are either a grown-ass man or woman. What in the hell are you personally going to do to make change politically in your neck of the woods?

Campaigns are starting, candidates are polling and we will fall for the same bullshit again if we continue to be sheep to TV ads, really bad speeches and personality contests. When in the hell do you plan on standing up and doing some grass roots shit?

There are school councils that need your help.

Neighborhood watch committees can help protect you from getting that ass whooped right in front of your home.

City council meetings do happen. If you're tired of seeing them coon ass, sellout niggers (I said it) that sell that shit out on the corner and endanger the lives of your kids, then go and ask for a better fucking streetlight. Just like roaches...

Know about community programs, church organizations and non-profits that want to help the community improve.

QUIT LOOKING THE OTHER WAY! As long as you let them sell drugs, operate unscrupulous businesses, let cops act corrupt and dupe you politically whether it is your councilperson or president YOU ARE THE FOOL. Complain about that, eh? SAY SOMETHING... Better yet DO SOMETHING!

Get up off your ass and RUN FOR OFFICE YOUR DAMNSELF. You might lose, but in trying you might inspire someone else to carry your dream forward. They might hold an office one day.

Congregate and START A NEW POLITICAL PARTY. Who in the fuck said that voting Democrat, Republican or Independent will do any good for anything? Is that really where your interests exist?

Take a class in poli-sci... Better yet if you have children, crack open one of them history books they got. Let's get a refresher in how things get done around here.

Support neighborhood businesses... And stay away from big box stores dammit!!! How is your community to survive otherwise without the services of small business?

Buy American... I know you ain't doing that one but I'll mention it anyway.

Keep in tune with exactly what the government does by going to C-Span a time or two. There are way too many publications and media outlets to not know what's going on and better yet, who actually has it going on. This way you can point the right finger at the right person.

Know who makes it shake in your neighborhood. City, District. State. At least find out who the gawtdam precinct captain is. Shit, is that a lot to ask?

REGISTER TO VOTE. You have no recourse if you ain't voting. No vote, no complaints.

I know that it's a lot to ask for but...

What are YOU going to do?

Nothing today

Munch on that... I have no post today. Just pray for the family on the day a decision must be made. If you read here before about grandma, then you know what's up.

Pray for us all.

My Last 24

Verse One (AKA The Free-Dome Child) asks:
If you knew, what would you do with your last 24 hours

Hassan Says:
What would I do with my last 24 hours....
Well shit... Let me think

To be honest, I wouldn't tell anyone, try to get a plane ticket or something under a pseudonym and get as far away as possible. I wouldn't clean anything up or rearrange stuff like I eluded to in a previous post, I'd just leave. I'd probably cut my hair and shave and get to a over-populated, foreign country just in time to die so no one can recognize who the hell I am. Seems fitting I guess. No goodbyes, phone calls or conversations. No funeral (I don't want one). Just people getting on with their lives. The future should exist like the past in some sorts.



Princessdominique asks:
I've got to get Dr. Phil on you. I've read the questions and answers and I'll have to say or ask rather, what was the one single defining moment in your life that makes you feel the way you feel about people and things and yourself.


Hassan Says:
From the time I was a kid. My grandmother who was a functioning alcoholic would pay me a dollar or two to perform in front of her drunk ass company. I took piano and guitar lessons young and early in life and I was entertainment. That kind of parlayed into the rest of my life. I have no problem putting my stuff out there because I've always been on display. Growing up and doing what I did and seeing what I've seen in combination with that whole military thing helped me to learn to detach emotionally. I function better that way. Plus, if I ever needed a job where emotions aren't necessarily needed (hint, hint... And that would only be my last resort) I'm perfect for the job. I guess that there isn't one real defining moment for me, it's a combo of things that led me here along with how I'm treated as a person today. That's how I came with what I see is the truth.


Knockout Zed asks:
My one and only official question is: Did you enjoy yourself last Saturday?

Hassan Says:
Hell Muthafuckin yes.
Next question.


Nikki asks:
You have no desire to marry or have children? Did I read that correctly? Surely you were kidding.

Hassan says:
Right now that answer is correct. I just don't believe at this moment that I'll convince some woman to spend that much time with me and to top that off have her carry my seed, do I don't think much about it. Except for this series of posts. I doubt if that happens for me, but I could be wrong.

The thing with grandma continues... Not blogging about it anymore.

Even more Hassan-A-Thon answers!!! Sheesh!

I really enjoy answering the questions. Nothing has been hard or uneasy to answer, but I'm holding out for that someone to ask the deep seeded question that will break my ass down and make me confess. This has been a very rough week for me, spending most of my time in Indiana with family and friends. I thank you all for the kind words and prayer. Pray for the family, the Creator already has Grandma covered. The shit is unraveling and in a violent and argumentative way. Please pray and send kind thoughts to this family! The drives from Des Plaines, Illinois to Muenster, Indiana are hell, but it is worth every minute of it to see someone special. I don't know how much time I have left to be in her presence. I'll be there every day until the end. I owe someone money and I've had the envelope in my pocket for a week now. I feel like I can't even be a man of my word and pay this person because I've been to work, a cybercafe in Chicago to do these posts and to Indiana all this week. I've only seen my bed for a few hours, but it will be all over in the morning...


On with new questions and answers.

Nsane Lee Sane asks:
1. So what type of porn is on that hard drive?

2. I vaguely remember a story while you were in the services about some Asian women and their sex secrets. Tell me about the ones you were actually able to partake in?

3. Why do think you're not loved? Is it something about you that people hate?

4. Do you like your sphincter massaged?

Hassan Says:
1. Regular stuff. I'm not much of a porn watcher so it's old, but for some strange reason I can't erase it. I will soon because I need that valuable space.

2. None. I was too scared to partake in anything while in Korea and Japan but I did observe a thing or two out of curiosity. I did travel to the Philippines where... Well, never mind.

3. I don't think that there is anyone that will actually give that much of a damn to trust me and let me in. I truly believe that I was put on this planet to be objectified and ridiculed, I have been since I was a child. It (trust and faith in me from someone else) has never happened and it most likely never will. I honestly feel that my family tolerates me but even they keep me at arms distance, that's why it's so easy for me to relocate, I have no emotional stake anywhere. That has been turned off since I was a small child. I feel alone in this world and have been for as long as I can remember, so I ride alone. It no longer bothers me, I just know this to be truth so I expect nothing even though I still extend my hand to others. Hell I can't even get you to care enough to place a random phone call my ass to see if I'm still breathing. If my so-called friends and family don't give a shit about me, then how can I have faith in a world of strangers to do the same?

4. No.


Rose Asks:
I'm scared to ask you any questions.

1. I do want to know are you
still drinking and driving too fast?

2. Do you feel scared because you feel like you don't know what you want
out of life?

3. Do you feel like your dream is finally in reach or slipping away?


Hassan Says:
Rose, don't be afraid to ask. I'm asking that you ask. In this moment I want to answer these questions. I'm preparing myself for something different in my life to happen and I'm letting go of so many things. Before I put stuff behind and begin my next journey I would like to address certain things so I'm hoping those that stop by and read me every now and then can help dislodge things to help me purge, reflect and move forward from here. I am an open book, just pick a page.

1. The drinking and driving thing, two separate things... I drove fast during a recent trip (and that trip only) to Atlanta because I could. I have a new car with all kinds of turbo thingees and devices and I also copped a radar detector which worked very well, so I took advantage and got to the ATL in under seven hours. Other than that, I obey the law. I'm a young brother living in a predominately white neighborhood and get pulled over on the regular (most recently Sunday night. Emptied out my whole car- I passed my most recent Nigger test). I went without a driver's license from 1993 to 2001 because I didn't pay a ticket but was able to purchase, rent and drive multiple autos without being detected as having my license suspended during that timeframe, meaning that I obey the lay and blend in with other drivers. Whenever I got pulled over my license was the last thing they ever asked for.

As far as drinking, I rarely do. I went thru a spell where I had a few drinks, but I had a close friend that died at the hand of a drunk driver, I am my crew's den mother, I make sure when friends and I go out they get home safely, meaning I never drink (especially with a brand new car). No one else drives but me. I'm diabetic and I keep things like meat, pork and chicken away. I do still have a drink now and then, but nothing to worry about.

2. I know exactly what I want out of life. I want to die with honor. That's it, so I am not afraid, never have been.

3. My dream is closer now than it ever has been. I'm just taking my time getting to it, in fact I'm procrastinating. Once I get published, release the album and get a chance to travel and press the flesh with those that support my endeavors I can pretty much buy the farm and chill there till I croak. My needs and wants in life are simple. I am not a stranger to traveling and living abroad, I did in my past so I'm pretty much satisfied with what I've done. I have no desire to marry or have children, so the 'dream' thing is simple enough. Performing is all I ever wanted to do, It's a regular part of my life now.


Lynn287 Asks:
I can't believe that you don't know you are loved! I find that amazing but then coming from you, I shouldn't.

Hassan ... I LOVE YOU!
I love talking to you, I love that you make me laugh, I love the fact that I learn from you, I love that you don't mind that I do. I love how you put yourself out there for the world to see. I love how you accept all that life has to give and I love that fact that you are you! I love that we are becoming friends!

1. Now ... Where can I purchase Hassan's Book of Basic Shit About Life and Other Things?!
2. The last movie you watched?
3. What type of wine do you prefer?
Will you ever cut your hair?
4. What type of underwear do you prefer, if you wear them?
5. What the fucc is wrong with you with thoughts of suicide ... I mean I read what you wrote but damn?
6. Kind of car do you drive?
7. How is Grandma?
8. Do you wanna f*cc me?


Hassan Says:
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them, but it's hard to believe. Time will tell though and we'll see.

1. That book is in my head. The manuscript plays on the regular, daily.
2. 'Sprung' - Rusty Cundieff, Tisha Campbell, Joe Torry and Paula Jai Parker
3. Red, California, aged at least 12 years and lukewarm, served in a standard widebowl glass and with either fish or dairy. No particular brand, there are about 45 brands from the Napa region that are prepped in this manner.
4. I own boxers, I own briefs, I own compression shorts for athletic stuff. Whatever is right for the moment, I rotate with my outfits.
5. It's natural, we all have those thoughts. Mine just replay in my head on a regular basis. I haven't acted on it, so...
6. 2006 Volkswagen Jetta - I'm at 15,739 at this typing, and that's in 4 months of ownership. I got it @ 3 miles on the odometer.
7. She's fighting. I just got back from the hospital and there is a family meeting Wednesday to determine who pulls the plug if the plug is pulled. I spent hours holding her hand and talking to her. She acknowledges us and makes faces, but because of the respirator tube, she cannot talk. She keeps coming to and reaching for it, trying to pull it out. I know she's sedated but she is aware. The question is, she trying to pull it out to talk to us, or is she trying to die on her own? The jury is still out, she shed tears and gave me a look only I can process and understand last night. We tried to leave around 11:30 but couldn't because she kept squirming and reaching for us, her heart rate increased and she breathes even harder. I know what that means, but I'll let you figure that out. I got home at 2am, so what do you think?
8. I can't answer that question. There is someone that inspires the tightest verse to flow from my pen, and I can't f*cc her, so what's fair? Trust is huge with me, so it has to go there first, and I don't hit and run. I stick and stay.

I need more questions, y'all. More to come in the future
___________________________________________________________________
Pssst, hey buddy...

The THE FIRST ANNUAL 'ASK HASSAN-A-THON' is going on without you!

You still have the opportunity to ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Operators are standing by. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.

Hassan-A-Thon answers

I'm staring at a blank canvas. It's not that I have nothing to put here, it's just I'd rather keep certain words and phrases to myself right now seeing as they have the power of life and death. I'm not angry or feeling sorrowful about current family situations neither am I numb or in a reflectful mood, don't have to be. I'd rather use my time to answer some of the Hassan-A-Thon inquies I've recieved so far. I urge you to take advantage of this moment, I'll continue to answer any questions you throw at me with honesty and openess. It's not like I'm going to clam up or anything next week or any time thereafter, hell my life has been an open book so far. I just feel like releasing some things that I never have, and I hope you guys ask right questions so I can address a few things still hanging around in my mental, emotional and spiritual attic before I get out of here.

The point of me blogging is being in the act of theraputically releasing a lot of burden, fear and opinion into the universe. If I seem repetitive and self centered I don't apologize. I'm working on improving self. Sometimes you gotta repeat that shit in order to get yourself to believe it. Hassan is not my birth name, I changed my name to reflect the change in self. In Yoruba it translates: He who improves or makes himself better.

I'm trying so hard to make myself better, but sometimes it's like purposely banging my head on the largest rock possible, watching the blood run and ignoring the fatigue and pain. I just keep going. And after some introspection, a one sided IM convo and spending more time with family I will keep pushing thru. I was urged to make other mothafuckas work, to not just take burdens then complain about them, make folk step up and to say fuck that, if not I'll kill myself otherwise.

Advice taken.

I hear that and acknowledge the things I said/did to trigger those statements to be directed towards me (from someone I should really listen to and heed advice from) were wrong and I apologize.

On with the questions, the Hassan-A-Thon starts NOW!!!:

Stiltwalker asks:
1. How big is it(lol)
2. What's the longest you've went without bathing
3. Name three things you have recurring thoughts about but have never shared with anyone

Hassan says:
Okay, here goes...
1. Well damn. I'm glad that was the first question, this way I can get it out of the way. How can I answer this question truthfully and tastefully?
Damn sure ain't Doc J's throwback...
John Stockton's jersey... nah.
Better than Kobe's current one, which after he switches up this fall will become a throwback...
but not Mo' Cheeks either.
Got it?

2. Well I was in the Army, and we stayed out in the bush for weeks at a time, but I always warshed me arse. I can't remember a day where I haven't sprinkled the undercarriage if you know what I mean... I even carry my Perry Ellis MAN-Purse to the restroom at work/in secure public places (complete with hypo-allergenic, alcohol-free MAN-wipes, toothbrush, dental floss, beeswax, shea butter, various hair care products to keep the locs in place, Lysol wipes, blistex, my scented oils, pain relievers, injectible insulin and glucophage (I am diabetic you know), mani/pedi mini kit, nosehair trimmer, scissors (left handed, of course), mini electric moustache trimmer, toothpaste, mini packets of showergel (yes, I rob hotels), SHOUT! stain wipes, deodorant, plastic toothpicks (solid!) and batteries. For my camera that is. I used to have a mini steamer in there, but it leaked a lot. I use each of these products in some way, shape or form on the regular, trust me. I hope that's metrosexual (to the Nth degree) enough to answer your question, right?

3. - #1: How can I kill myself where it won't look like I was a coward ass bastard, pervert prick and nasty ass hermit of a fucker? Damn, I would have to clear out my hard drive, throw away my porn and amass my writings (the good shit) to make it look like I was an upstanding citizen to the investigators, landlord and family members that'll be rummaging thru my shit.

#2: "I will never get married. I will never have kids. No one loves me. I am worthless. God has forsaken me. I have no redeemable qualities. I am unnatractive. My hair is ugly. I am fat. My family only tolerates me because I am the only person stupid enough to volunteer to do shit. She has banished me to the nether regions of her emotional scale and wished I were dead. I will die penniless and without a home. Diabetes will get the best of me. I am losing my eyesight and it's because I deserve it for something stupid I did. I can't believe I love myself enough to answer this question. I should have a drink. Sprinkle a little Drano on that, will ya? Nah, fuck that, I'm here dammit, and I'm making an album just to cram my trifling, stank ass down the throats of America. I gotta show them the bastard they help create."

Wash, rinse repeat once upon waking and once before bed.

#3: There was a mute man named Minor Tate who worked as a general laborer/teacher's aide at my grammar school that on a camping trip I took with the school in the 1st grade woke me up in the middle of the night, took me to the shower area, 'bathed' me and fondled my penis. There was no other activity other than that. Weird moment, and I expressed anger about this, so he dressed me and sent me back to bed with no further incident. This is the first time I told anyone about this other than my uncle, who probably layed dude out in an alley somewhere. All I was told is that 'things were even'. The thought runs thru my head on the regular on how it didn't affect me adversely. I didn't get angry and lash out or revert to the recesses of my brain because of this. I wasn't tramatized by it, because there was a girl on my block that was already interested in playing with my manparts, and she did on occasion. For a grown man to do this was unnacceptable and I expressed that to him and he complied and sent me on my way, but I wonder about other kids he did this shit to and because it was Catholic school they thought they had no power or voice. Maybe they thought they could not control the situation or was just plain afraid. I yelled, and scolded this man and told him he was wrong, causing him to panic and let me be. I did tell my uncle and shortly after we got back Minor either quit or just didn't come back to work so I was cool, but the thought about how I turned out versus others remains...


Mz. Dee~Dee asks:
Wack A** questions huh?....
How would you get across to the people that in order to change the U.S. government, you have to take supreme measures?

Hassan Says:
Simple answer sweetheart:
Buy my album "Live From The Niggernet - The Revolutionary Mixtape" - In stores in August.



Lynn287 asks:
1.So ... what I want to know is where do you see yourself being in the next 3 years?
2.Do you think you will be on the left coast for anything other than business any time soon?
3.Do you really beleive you aren't loved?
4.Why do you think I talk to/want from you?
5.The last time you masturbated?
6.Made love?
7.Had sex?
8.The last record you purchased?
9.When was the last time you allowed someone to do something (anything)for you just because they wanted/you needed?

Hassan Says:
1. I actually don't or can't see myself in the future at all, it's hard for me to do so I just do for today. Where I hope to be is on the road touring, pushing my sophomore album "In A Hurry To Go Nowhere" and still rocking poetic pieces. I hope it's recieved well.
2. It's a possibility. I have job interviews in Atlanta and another I'm setting up in DC. I never thought of living out west but I will and have performed there. As far as just visiting, it would have to be damn special for me to trek that far and not get a paycheck.
3. Yes.
4. Commonality, mutual interest and my ability to make you laugh all the damn time. All we need is a meeting place and a bottle of wine... Want? I haven't asked myself that yet.
5. Last Year
6. April of last year
7. sometime this year
8. 'Fishscales' - Ghostface Killah
9. I can't remember, it's been a while and probably ain't happening anytime soon. I am a man of pride and that is not either protocol or policy according to the 'Hassan book of basic shit about life and other things related'. It's always been my job to do things, that will continue.


Nikki asks:
What aspect of your personality do you feel is proving to be the biggest obstacle in you achieving your goals?

Hassan Says:
Fear.
Fear that I might just succeed and be pitted in the spotlight and picked apart by the very ones that elevated me in the beginning. I welcome it. I loathe it. I know that it will probably kill me so sometimes I procrastinate because I know that this is the only time I have to actually live my life. Once I put the music and literary works out to the public, I will have to work 10 times harder to support it and sell it. So I am afraid. I am afraid of success as much as I am afraid to fail. But I will still do it anyway just to lead by example because I'm tired of talking about it. I might as well do. If I crash and burn, I'll make sure to speed up and cut the wheel just to make the crash look more exciting and to get more gapers and on-lookers to stop and glance for a minute. Maybe they'll learn something from my mistakes.
___________________________________________________________________

Pssst, hey buddy...
Dont let the THE FIRST ANNUAL 'ASK HASSAN-A-THON' go on without you.

You still have the opportunity to ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Operators are standing by. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.


More answers later...

My value...

I'll continue to go thru this like this is normal stuff... Life continually tests you and I cannot fail. If I were a weaker man, I'd be in the corner crying wondering why I'm getting victimized, but it ain't about me and I am not a victim.

I'm just getting in. It's 2:57 in the AM. We spent about 2 and a half hours with grandma in the ICU. She's heavily sedated and on a respirator. The doctor is giving her until Wednesday to come out of it or the plug will have to be pulled. They have her arms strapped to her bed to keep her from pulling the breathing tube out of her mouth. We talked to her today and she responded with her eyes, she knows who we are. I cracked a joke and she gave me the look of death, no pun and worth each second of it. Before they put the tube in she told the doctor she wanted to live, so she's fighting. It wasn't sad to be there and see. It would be sad to see her continue on this path, she'll be a sedated, strapped vegetable unable to enjoy the freedoms of life. I accept the fact that she will die soon. 83 years is a long time, she just retired a little over 2 years ago, and that's when she got ill.

Two women, patriarchs of their families, property owners, society shapers and family impacters who have shaped so many people's lives lay in hospital beds in conditions I cannot explain. I cannot gauge their thought process or do I want to. What I do know is that both of these women have faith and are servants of the creator so I believe there is no pain, remorse or regret, so I feel no pain because I know that they are okay in more ways than one. I pray that they are given strength to carry on and get back to schooling my young ass (and others), so my prayers are geared towards getting them back home to be with family and loved ones. That's how one heals.


Faith is one thing, faith in one's self is another.

I want to tell you how I got here to the point where I'm leaving everything and everybody due to having (newfound) faith in myself.

I was a small kid with crooked teeth. I wore braces in high school. I was outcast in the military. I was poor until I started selling drugs and to top that, I hid my money from my mother when she really needed it. She probably would have taken it to get us out of a bad living situation. We lived in my grandmother's 3BR house that couldn't hold an additional 5 person family aside from the 4 people and dog it was already holding. Folks on the block knew this and we were teased for that until my brother and I started whooping ass to keep them off of my moms, little brother and sister. That led to a little gang activity and some hustling led by my older brother seeing as we liked to fight so damn much. We couldn't get out of that cycle, and it seemed like we would always be a part of destruction of the block because we were always doing dumb shit. I started hanging with my best friend at his house until the deep hours of the night because I did not want to go 'home'. I became uncoordinated athletically in basic training because I was incredibly uncomfortable after joining whereas in high school I excelled physically. I struggled with self identity due to living in a multicultural environment as a kid. I had a lot of trouble relating to traveling, dealing with folks from other cultures and being on my own while in the military. I was thrown all over the world, literally and felt like I would always be on display and never in control of my life, so I got out when my time was up, but it didn't stop there.

I thought I triggered all things bad, and that it was my fault that bad things happened. I was a talented student, gifted athlete, overall good kid, didn't hang on the streets for too long due to my upbringing and best friend's influence, so how could I be the cause of my/our bad ass situation? I started making bad decisions based on me thinking that I was the reason for all things bad. I got out of the military, re-joined a relationship with a woman that I wasn't supposed to be with. We even moved in with each other. I kept dropping out of college when folks were bailing me out and getting me back into class. I chose to embrace corporate America and let go of the idea of my talents and loves being what I should do with my life due to what everyone else said. I blamed everything else on me not excelling in corporate because I'd only get so far. I yearned to write, compose and create, but thought that the world didn't want to hear a scarred child that stumbled into manhood.

I never listened to myself. I never heard the Creator calling me to do more and do better until I spent time with myself.

I was a product of my environment, and I was strong enough to remove myself from it with a little help. This is why I have no tolerance for those that choose to wallow in their own shit and fall into the bullshit set forth to hold one back. I love reading blogs. I know in a lot of instances my shit is repetitive, but I try not to hold myself back in my writings about self. I learned that weed ain't weed genetically, and alcohol is a tool where dependacy in our community is essential in keeping the gifted out of the reach of the ones who need them for influence, so I don't understand how all of the gifted ones that I come across in the black blogosphere and in life repeat themselves on a bullshit level and fail to function in real life because they're chained to the spliff or the bottle.

Or worse yet, embittered due to bullshit. ____________ Fill in that blank.

How do you complain about the condition of shit when you just sit there and watch it decay?
How do you hold others accountable for failure when you have no real responsibilities of your own?
When will you stand and assist the rest of us as opposed to being a fucking crab in a barrel?
Don't you want a better life? Have you a plan? What about family, who are you planning with and receiving knowledge from?
When was the last time you sat with an elder?
How are you to achieve anything of substance if you do not step out on faith and try?
How do you plan on giving back?
What do you believe? When do you plan on living in those beliefs?


I asked myself these things and I already had the answers. I figured the only reason I never applied those answers was because of my fear. Fear of the unknown which made me not try, so I drank to suppress the energies to actually do something. I smoked weed and cigarettes to prevent me from thinking and being physically ready to perform my duties as a chocolate soldier.

I came out of it and reversed course. I changed my name. I found a sense of purpose...

I am worth it.
I am validated by me.
I am a reflection of the Creator.
I will move forward and do instead of talk.
It is only my fault if I let it fail, whatever it may be.
I have value and worth and will pass that on to my seed...

You doubt me?


Grandma taught me that. ________________________________________________________________

THE FIRST ANNUAL 'ASK HASSAN-A-THON' continues

For a limited time only, you can ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.

The Hassan-A-Thon...

***UPDATE*** 6/20/2006 8:00 am ***UPDATE***

I had already prepeared this post, but I felt the need to add to it today with this message. The original post follows with no changes. Please pray for grandma this morning, she is in ICU hanging in there. Just visited her last Sunday and she was released from the hospital Friday... She was re-admitted Sunday night. Also, heard from my ex as I traveled last night and her grandmother went thru a quadruple bypass surgery yesterday morning (hey, I love her grandmother and I have no beef with those that have no beef with me) I ask for your prayers and understanding for these two strong black women this morning. Hope that they make it through. It seems that my testing isn't over according to the creator.

Back to the original post...




Things get better with time. I had the worst weekend when it came to making time to do things because I didn't get enough rest after my little oral surgery thing. Thanks to y'all for looking out and giving me the advice to rest my trifling ass....

My body took what it needed Sunday and for that I'm glad cause' I was gonna keep on moving.

Things I notice since I had my mouf rearranged:

*My voice is different more bass and less treble. To hell with explanations on the how and why, I already know

*Speaking with two of my clients today, I was complimented on my voice. Strange moment. One cat I spoke to today even said that I 'would make a great rapper'.

Solid!

I'm back chewing somewhat, and I see that until my implants (molars) get - implanted, chewing 'hard' stuff is a challenge that I'm no longer interested in partaking in

for the first time in years, I can close my mouth and make my (remaining) molars touch. For those of you with busted chops and have to go thru the motions, think about that for a moment and get back with me.

Other than the grey and white hairs I now posses, arthritis and other ailments and conditions that strike older people, I'm finally reversing course when it comes to my smile. Howso, well:

Back in the day, Moms drug me to this asshole of a socialite-boule brother that was pretty handy with wiring a young brother's mouth shut orthodontically. I wore braces for 7 years, that's how bad my shit was. I had to get them taken off early because of the whole Army thing. I really didn't give a damn about my choppers like that (getting orthodontic care) until I got out of the service, I just couldn't afford to get what I wanted done.

Now after getting various knee parts vacuumed out and getting one rebuilt, having discs in my back do the limbo, nerve damage to both of my feet, breaking bones in both hands and my nose as well as limping thru 2 hernia surgeries, I rehabbed, got all yogi on that ass and am as normal as I'll ever be, but never got them parts back. With my smile, you can order new joints so now it's all going to be brand new and I might just wanna smile every now and then.

I'm not ashamed of my crooked chicklets, but in the same breath I never want to put em on display. Now that I might be really be out there pressing the flesh it's imperative that I feel confident about flashing them pearlies to get that yaper. My first step was Friday and I'm excited about this painful ass process.

Until then, imma keep frowning on that ass. I kinda like that look, gives me character.

Oh, and here's your chance (I'm stealing big time, but hey... Whatcha gwon do?)

THE FIRST ANNUAL 'ASK HASSAN-A-THON'

For a limited time only, you can ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.

What's wrong with this man's face?

That is the look of pain and fatigue.


I had oral surgery (literally) Friday and had some things (check the pluralization) removed as well as some tissue (gum and cheek) rearranged to ensure proper alignment of the implants going in the back of the mouth. I forgot to rest because I came straight home and moved my second car (which ain't running) out of my parking space for lot maintenance, cleaned, packed and boxed Friday night, helped set up stuff in the park Saturday for the Puerto Rican Pride celebration in the park, was all out in the 100 degree sun and then kicked it with my man end em' Saturday night until like 4am.

And then I laid it down...

And didn't get out of the bed until D Wade had scored at least 20 on Dallas, attempted to get up and get something to eat (for the first time this weekend - missing teeth, sutures and wires make that a hard thing) had the worst conversation I could possibly have in life (you try talkin after having shit yanked outta your head) and end up getting pulled over and had my vehicle searched. Dude had the nerve to ask me how 'we' get fine cars to drive, like there's a special process for black folk in purchasing a new vehicle.

The whole right side of my head is in extreme pain, and I'm off to work.

Did I mention on how the phone didn't ring (or how I didn't call pops) this weekend? Good stuff, huh?

Din Din Da Diiiinnn... NEW SHIT!!! [Unseen Muse]

you are my unseen muse...


inspiring me without touch or sound


provoking thought, being in thought


heard in the mind from our last conversation


seen in my heart as I wear it on my sleeve


you cause me to write great things


you spark imaginative thought based off of a possibility


you create endless fodder because of conversations we've yet to have


forcing me to show my crooked smile.


helping me enjoy my time in a quiet space


intriguing me because there so many things that I do not know


you cure my boredom in the spiciest of ways


in your absence I do not write


when you're gone I cannot compose


I live on my island malnourished parched for a drop of the juices that

are those words


the ones spoken and directed torwards me.


indeed they nourish my creative


supplement the imaginative


fortify my wit


satiate my urge to know more


compliment my thoughts with whispers of conversation


stimulate me


my thoughts with yours become healthy children that cause the next

person to stop


and vibe with what was created


your rhythm, my verse causes the would to sway to the beat that

inspires from your soul


I am it's selfish interpreter


I'm selfish like that, yearning to keep you for myself but I feel the

need to yell my joy to the world and hopes it travels through space


transcending time because it's fleeting...


if you inspire thoughts such as these


and those that ride the vibe can groove to you as such


then why would I want to be away from you for more than a moment?


my heart beats to your drum of being


my surface shines in your presence


your light guides me


you thunder rattles my pen to create strokes of brilliance in your

name.


luscious notes of tremendous song on an unending stanza


all of this is tribute to you


all I want is for the world to sing your song as you see it and guide

them with verses


as long as you remain in the sight of my heart, you will remain on the

lips of the universe


they will sing for you in generations to come


you provide that even in the unseen


as much as I want for you to be my Sister Betty, I am satisfied in this

moment


you being my unseen muse.


2006 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo

Decisions, decisions

I am enjoyably sore after this past weekend. I danced like I was a young man, ran into old friends and watched a painfully interesting wrestling pay per view with my mellow my man and my dad. I have to get some rest this week, I have vocals to lay down, an new snippet to post on the blog and the Puerto Rican Pride Day to prep for. Families flock to the fields known as Humboldt Park on the city's northwest side as the parade itself stretches thru miles of neighborhoods before culminating in the park which is pretty damn big. For some strange reason it's always a draining experience doing all of the walking around, dancing, fellowshipping (what I call it) and shopping and such that weekend.

What have you just learned about me?

Ara todo el clase de las mezclas culturales en reuniones de mi familia. ¡Gumbo es bueno!


Appreciation of Puerto Rican and African culture and its contribution to the culture and society is important to my family. I plan to promote the study, improvement, and advancement of both my duel culture and arts by encouraging, promoting and participating in various events thru my music compositions and poetry, attending live events such as plays, exhibits and poetry slams and to support my communities financially.

Underdig?

Stoked we are to get our weekend on and it's only Monday as I type this. Saturday we celebrate half of my heritage and history in the park and Sunday, the men in our family are honored for fatherhood and leadership. And at the end of the month we celebrate the other half at the African-Caribbean Festival of life.

I'll miss summers in Chicago.

So by that little quip you'll notice that I'm really feeling what Buck is saying. I do have a problem. I work. I am a conditioned wage slave. I am not afraid to quit my job to follow my dream but that dream has to pay dividends, right? Giving up so much just to have a deal ain't the way for me, trust me.

I ain't even trying to stay away from blogging.

So my apartment is kind of empty. I damn near had my lights cut off but things went better than expected. Sometimes you have to fall back and let friends do their thing. I'm looking for a home for my children. If you're reading this then you know that I plan to travel without my kitties. I really don't want to part with them but I might have to. I hung out with my Dad this Sunday, we watched the ECW wrestling pay per view. He loves wrestling and this was a perfect way to spend a Sunday... Having a drink and watching grown men body slam each other thru tables... Priceless, and a week before Father's Day to boot!

I did more packing and throwing stuff between dancing my ass off and watching grown men in tights this weekend. If you read this far then you know something about me taking or not taking the current offers on the table. One of those job opps is a contract offer and the other will require a lot of training. I'll probably hang here until selections and decisions are made. I'm closing out my home internet account and going with my cell phone company's wireless card so I can travel and surf. I'm not going to miss my desktop and it'll be cool to have the net in the car with me (movie schedules and driving directions - already jacked a GPS program for cheap). I'm also looking to hook up this lil box I saw at Best Buy that transmits your cable/satellite signal over the internet to wherever you are. My brother will let me hook it up to his joint at the crib and I'll have access to all of my cable channels as I surf and shuttle from place to place.

That whole label thing is an easy way out for me somewhat. Howso? Well, if I sign, I lose mostly all of my publishing and am put on a spending budget. Creative direction goes into the hands of an A&R cat that does not know either Al or myself. I'll be limited to whatever the label wants me to do and I don't think that this is worth giving up the opportunity to be where I want to in the future with the words and concepts I came up with all hours of the day and night.

But...

I won't have to work. I can cop that 48" plasma joint, but I'll also be living out of a van, eating fast food daily, living lonely on the road and I'll miss my messy ass cats. I'll probably have to beg to get shelf space in stores and to get thelabel to have a budget for my advertising and promotion. I'm too old to beg, it inteferes with the creative process. I also know that subject matter I spit won't get pressed and released to a wide audience like that booty booty booty booty booty everywhere shit that be all on the radio. You know what? I think I might just keep recording and mixing away from labels and staying on my hustle with the music. If I can prove to 'them' that I can create, market and distribute my own product I get to keep more of my craetive license when it's time to sign a deal. Stay independent and keep grinding. That's what I plan on doing for now.

That's what's up.

One thing. If I take either job, I have to stay here in Chicago. I don't know if I can for sanity's sake stay here. I hear the call and comfort my spirit's leading me to, and it there's a lot of red clay there.