you can see the stress

blah blah blah blah

Forgive me father, for I have not blogged... It has been 5 days since my last post.

I am tired. Seriously. I am fatigued to the point of not making it to my bed everyday, I have writer's block like a muh-fuh and I see a lot of things I've built recently starting to crumble.

I realize that although I have enough loot to live off of, if you attempt to put financial shit on the backburner, some of that shit will come back and bite you in your ass. Like last week... I borrowed from Peter to pay Paul (semi-regular thing) to get one bill collector off my back. That shit backfired. I made a deal to pay down some debt and resume paying on a timely basis (yeah, right) and when I got there to pay the arrears, I was asked for the whole amount! That puts me in a situation because a moving violation I never paid on but went to court for (3 times) puts me in the hole for the moment. I have a choice: pay my rent and bills and the debt in arrears and not pay the fine and court costs (I have until July 11th to this or I go to jail to "serve it off" - well, that's what the judge said) OR I can pay the fine and court costs, take care of my basic needs and pretty much ignore my bill collectors. Of course I have a house full of furniture and electronic goodies, so if I don't pay some of these bills they're coming for their shit. So the debate lingers. Which bank do I rob and how will I get away?

Another thing... I have severe writer's block. I have a ton of beautiful tracks to write songs to. Some I bought, others I created. I began my process like I usually do by preparing a lyrical skeleton and adding music as I go along. I got melodies, hooks, choruses - all that shit, but for some strange reason I cannot pull the lyrics and music together to create a single entity. Shame. This is some of my best work, and I cannot finalize it so I'm stressing over that.

I think what I might do is just quit everything right now, take the little money I have and just go. Somewhere quiet. And drink. A lot. For like 2 or 3 weeks. Okay, maybe not. I need to go somewhere and fast, take herbs and detoxify, but that'll cost too much. And that's stressful as hell in itself anyway. I'm thinking if I just pull out for a while I can get my bearings or at least I hope. I hate my job, I don't have time to relax, working out isn't helping (I accidentally stayed too long on the elliptical the other day and ended up hypoglycemic - I was thinking. About what I do not know) and I can't seem to keep myself together the 12 hours out of the day I am away from home dealing with everybody else. I haven't slept in weeks, but I'm tired. I wanna focus, but my attention span is defective right now. The phone is ringing off the hook and it ain't my friends and family. I'm losing it right now.

And that's who I introduced to a new friend recently: Stressed out Hassan... I hope that shit isn't contagious.

Damn, damn, damn...

Wow. Game brought just a little heat with this one.

No comment.

The Last Shall Be The First

I promise to be more attentive... I swear that I will pay you more attention.

So my brother graduated from college yesterday. He is the youngest of the flock, so he is the last... If the Creator can make happier days, they would be based off of this one. The family had absolutely no restraint at the ceremony when my brother's name was called and he recieved his degree, and why should we? I tried to chill and play the background because I haven't been hanging out in the city as much as I used to, and it wasn't my day, but to no avail. My dad, Grandma and my aunts came at me like I did something wrong. As I grow older, the loud jokester I used to be has manifested himself into a very reserved and laid back cat. I only speak if there is something to say because words are so powerful. I hope my family understands this, but alas, I am still seen as a child to those that had thier hand in raising me.

I took a pic with my brother, I was the first one to do such, but didn't want to get in the family pix, so I just hung back and enjoyed my brother's moment. This dude went to three universities over a 6 year period, got married, relocated and now has three (3 dammit!!! 5 month old twins and a 2 year old in June) kids. Him and his wife have found a way to make it work, and I am proud. Now my job goes from explaining the subtle nuances of college politics to explaining why things are the way they are in corporate America. I was an executive search recriuter for a few years and I remember cats like lil bruh. His wife teaches high school hisotry and now it's his time to find a place in jobdom that will help the family stay afloat. I'll do what I can to make the transition from student-dad to working-dad a smooth one for my brother.

Whenever all of us are in the same place at the same time, my mother boo-hoos. Man, my brothers and lil sis and I are like the Jacksons, you will never see us in the same place, ever! You just have to flash back to the days of yesteryear when we were kids to remember when all my momma's kids were in the same room together. I was shocked and surprised to see my older brother at the comencement. Good looking out on my sister's behalf to get a ticket to my brother.

I felt outdone by a family that brought an airhorn to the ceremony... Damn, why didn't I stop by the swap meet beforehand?

There was an amazing family that graduated together. A dad and his two adult daughters walked across the stage together. Cool ish... Mom and her sister (aunt) are also alums...

Did I mention that I am an alum, and my brother graduated from the same program as I? Thing is, I completed mine online after dropping out (for the second time), and got transcripts, etc. in the mail. That was the first time I attended a comencement ceremony at my alma matter.

Unless one of us decides that either an MBA or doctorate program is in the pipeline, this is it as far as school is concerened. My sister did mention that she was considering jumping into an MBA healthcare management program while I have my sites (tentatively) set on a pharmD program, maybe. I got a little time. I wanna chase my dreams first.

It's been damn near a decade since the last of my Mom's kids left the house. To see all of us now is a testament to her and my dads (2) hard work and ass kicking perserverance. She is now oficially "old". In a good way.

I Need My Sister

My mother's first born was my sister Robbie, who died of crib death in 1968. A couple of yeas later, after my brother I made it. Been here since. Wow, really has been a ride, but I'm tired... Just a little.
I wish my sister was here. I have so many questions to ask that an older sibling can only answer. I wish that in my mid thirties I had all of the answers to the "secrets and cheats" that get folks my age through. Okay, maybe not secrets or cheats, but there has to be a for dummies handbook to help folks get through pre middle age to middle age. I now question every move I make because at this point, failure is not an option.

One day, I started calculating how much debt I really was in, and I came up with a formula that I now use to calculate how far from homelessness and despair I am. I'm not far. I eat well, drink the finest alcoholic and carbonated beverages. I purchase only the finest growth hormone produced meats and cheeses. I dine out entirely too much. I see every major corporate sponsored big budget motion picture, I buy very expensive Afrikan woodcarvings and brick a brack in order to keep "in touch" with my roots. I fly to Vegas too much for no apparent reason (OK, I gamble and drink like a heathen when I'm there, but I bring friends too!) I never watch the 200 plus cable channels I have and I've seen a little porn on my overpriced high speed internet service. I iPod and wi-fi when I can, and I shop for... I need the new shit weekly.

None of this makes me happy.

I'd rather live without it...
Correction - I'd rather not pay for it, I feel like I can't live without it.
But I need to get rid of it.
I need to channel my energies into a meaningful relationship, and that means getting right with the creator.

Fast.

I know my sister would have been there to kick me square in the ass and set me straight. She would have told me about the subtle nuances on dealing with a black woman. I watch my mom and dad from afar. Big sis would have answered my calls at 2am and cussed me out for calling and hang up on my ass. Then she would have called back to see what was so urgent. My sister would have been there with me last month and the month before when all of my uncles and aunts started dying, leaving me to handle family business with a partner instead of handling it alone.

Then I realized that God doesn't make mistakes.
My sister was supposed to die.
I had to handle these things on my own.

I am overwhelmed right now with work and art. I can't seem to achieve balance of the two. I can pay my bills, but... Why do I consume so much unnecessary bullshit? If I were to die today, who would gather all of these things and where would they go?

Sometimes I feel that my big sister tells me to do the right thing.

Sometimes.

I know that is God.

I just wish she was here in person to give me a swift kick.

Sometimes.

threesomes at 3pm

threesomes at 3pm (stolen from Alfie, but changed to my answers)

because I needed a break from writing...


Name 3 Bad Habits You Have:
1. procrastinating
2. Taking a vow of silence at the most inappropriate times
3. shutting out (certain) friends and family when I am going thru something

Name 3 Things That You Wish You Had:
1. a big ass bank account instead of a paycheck
2. more time
3. a loft condo

Name 3 Scents You Love:
1. Kush
2. Egyptian Musk
3. Outdoors (in the bush, not the concrete or steelof the city)

Name 3 Things You'd Never Wear:
1. men’s clogs
2. white shoes that are not sneakers
3. store bought cologne

Name 3 Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. If I die, how many will show up?
2. finishing the album is stressing me
3. where should I go for vacation?

Name 3 Songs You've Listened To In The Past 24 Hours:
1. Faithful - Common
2. One Good Reason - Bajawalla
3. Ain’t Buying It - Fly

Name 3 Of Your Favorite Singers/Bands:
(right now at this very moment)
1. Rahssan Patterson
2. Common
3. Jilly

Name 3 Things That You Have Done Today:
1. had chicken for breakfast (no waffles, though)
2. went over my traffic court case strategies for Monday
3. worked on a website

Name the Last 3 Things You Have Bought:
1. my phone bill (I bought that… Okay, I was paying bills man)
2. Chicago White Sox tickets
3. chocolate (don’t ask – I needed it for baking)

Name 3 Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1. water
2. Vitamin Water
3. coffee

Last Person You Hugged?
Deah, best friend

Last Thing You Laughed At?
Mike’s assessment of my romantic situation

Last Time You Cried?
April 25, 2005, around 11:35pm

What's In Your CD Player?
Common “Be”

What three things are Under Your Bed?
1. Army discharge papers locked my “Tupperware safe”
2. lyric sheets
3. dead poems


What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
I don't remember

Current Hair?
pulled back, pony tailed

Current Clothes?
black Nike basketball shorts, black t-shirt, Timberland flip flops

3 pieces of favorite jewelry?
1. my black Ankh (around the neck)
2. my very expensive, but scratched up titanium watch
3. hats, headwraps and dreadcatchers (same category, right?)

3 Current Annoyances?
1. badly constructed computers that I have to work on
2. Bills
3. pressed for time

Current Desktop Picture?
none, it’s blank

Current Worry?
I was supposed to get paid today, right?

Current Hate?
I don’t think I hate anything… Yet.

Last 3 CDs You Bought?
Common “Be” Raphael Saddiq’s Pookie thingee Kem’s “Part 2” album

3 Favorite Places To Be?
1. home
2. hanging out, laughing with my friends
3. somewhere by the water

3 Least Favorite Places be?
1. home
2. traffic
3. my old job

If You Could Play An Instrument?
bad question, that’s my problem… I play a couple and think I’m an artist now.

Favorite Color?
white

Do You Believe In An Afterlife?
yes

How Tall Are You?
5’-10”, 5’-11” - it varies in different places it seems

Favorite Season?
all of em’

Favorite Day.
everydamnday

Where Would You Like To Go?
away...