Away...

I am in the middle of enjoying the best weekend I've had in over a decade and a half.

It was hell getting out out of Chicago...
I'tll be easier getting back...

I wish I could just stay here.




Wherever here is.

And this ain't even vacation y'all.

Not Yet Free

There was once a time most recently where I woke up and found myself full of holes. I saw maggots and worms crawling thru me and I smelled like death had ravaged me but I was still alive. I looked around and saw my skin all over the place. I also saw the gristle of my cartilage and ligaments and immediately knew that I was harvested to erect everything around me, but I had not drawn these blueprints...





I was in the terminal a couple of months ago when I got a phone call. It was a representative of the company I work for now. She was trying to sell me on the company but she already had my mouth agape at hello. I had left Houston with my last few dollars and had no immediate plans. I did contact a few people about getting back on the road but not them. It seems that scavengers exist in the recruiting industry. I should have known that seeing that I was once an executive search shark myself in a past life.





I woke up a few nights ago and I was sore. It seems that where there were once holes and ripped flesh was newer, regenerated parts that seemed to have grown out of nowhere. I smoked cigarettes back in my old army days and I remember the 3 month mark after I quit. It was the only physical fitness test I damn near maxed and it was due to me healing because I quit. I then remembered how lethargic I was when I was smoking. I had that same thought on how I was when I was totally outside my element. I was sick. I was depressed. I was limited in how and what I did because you take on the characteristics or better yet you are a product of your environment.





My mother told me how sick it made her during my time of exile. She revealed that she had died a little bit because her life is her children. We may have disagreed on many things, but she is one of my many anchors that I released and she damn near sunk due to non-contact. That will never happen again.





I took a deep breath a couple of days ago and realized that the air from being on the open road has evicted the phlegm and mucous that flooded my lungs when I was living down south. I also noticed that the pills I ran out of to control blood pressure were no longer needed. I also noticed that I was at least 30 pounds lighter and my complexion, well, I guess I look a little better minus that scar...



Why do some of you exist in adversity when you don't have to? Why must some of you have/want/need drama in order to be fruitful? What ever happened to love just being all you needed to get by? I observed the whole Jena 6 ordeal and to be honest, it took the movement to get viral 18 months after the fact in order to get justice? Blah... Some of you who supported and went down to Louisiana have no clue. What happens to the residents and brown folk after the crowds left after all the people leave? Did you ever wonder why things went down the way they did?



Think for a minute.



Sometimes it's all about opportunity over everything else.



Ever think that the DA and the judge just didn't want them little nigger boys to take over the mill so his son or daughter could? Ever think that with multiple felony counts those young men would have to continue struggling? To me, that's attempted murder on behalf of the powers that be. Now what will you do seeing as over sixty thousand people 'marched' (or just took opportunity) and the courtroom was still closed and that young brother is still in jail?



Wonder why the families that live in and around Jena never stepped forward?



I applaud the bloggers, texters, emailers and campus revolutionaries that did their thing to put forth the effort, but all that money, time and effort went on deaf ears. And CNN and Fox News still can't report that shit right...



Wonder why?



Some of us have not taken control of our souls.



I saw that parts of me were harvested to help others build their villages of misery and none of it ever benefited me. The day I'm not a negro, nigger or nigga from the mouths and minds of my own is the day we can really call for justice. The day my sisters stop calling themselves bitches or hoes while being offended when someone outside the sister circle calls em' that is when certain freedoms begin.

The day we see ourselves as family and quit the bickering and hating amongst ourselves is the day we can all get free.

All I did was take myself and remove the bullshit.

People

Products

Geographic Location

Thoughts

The day I totally wane myself off of other things external is the day I'll have no qualms about dying. It's the reason that I live. It took a lot of effort and convincing of self for me to force myself into living and loving myself first. If I ain't free, then everything else around shall burn and fall like a sinking, burning ship at sea.

I've replaced lots of hate with simple love.

And lots of water, cause it lubricates. Drink a little with me, it helps the flow. I ain't better than anyone believe you me, I just wanna be free. I do need some company in my endeavors though. I know a lot of us are trying... Hard, ain't it?

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Here

Most of you know that I experienced what I consider to be the worst time of my life recently and decided to come 'home' and get back to the essence of what made me me in the first place.

Most of you know that I chose to get back into the trucking industry.

I indicated recently that I regained control of the name I chose for myself back in 2000 after dealing with the IRS and the Social Security Administration.

I've also let you guys know that I am at my happiest RIGHT NOW and I'm not letting anyone steal my joy.

It's been hard to blog seeing that there are some things I don't want people knowing about. Nothing big because I share A HELL OF A LOT when it comes to me, but some things just need to be behind closed doors.

There are some people, situations and places that suck the joy out of your ass. A few things have really made me not want to blog anymore, but I'm not letting that stop me.

I recently had an incident on the road that made me realize that some things are much too important and I have re-prioritized a few things since that time.

I'm cool, I just need to find what place the internet has in my life right now.

Gimme a minute and we'll see how things go with a little bit of sleep and a whole lot of peace.

What's My name?

I fell in love a long time ago.

I knew that I would make a jump into things sooner or later, all I needed to do was to hold onto myself and finally admit that I was ready.

I still had to be told though, and that's not a bad thing.

I gave thought about naming kids and the difficulty something like having my name has these days... And then I remembered that my grandmother named me 'Hansel'.

Like Hansel and Gretel.

A little black boy named after an eastern European character out of folklore.

Shit.

My kids shouldn't have a problem with the family name... Except for them kids wanting to be Gotti and Gambino. Why a kid never wanted to be Amin or Mustafa still puzzles me. I never heard a little boy back in the day admit to wanting to be Chaka Zulu.

And that African was dope.

I digress... It came time for me to realize how much I needed to bridge the gap. Knowing that I'm going into my 40's in this reality just didn't feel real. I wrestled with the thought of going it alone as I always have and then I remembered the piece I wrote a minute ago in tribute to a woman in purple that totally blitzed my senses and made me think of redefinition because of how she triumphed over adversity and made her life a thing of quality... And how I fell in love with that:

We move within silence not knowing if that motion is directed towards completion.

To me silence replaces distance, so I make noise as to keep unspoken feelings audible.


If I can hear, then I know that you're close.

It comforts me knowing that your emotions are within arms reach.


I hope that actions mean completion of us.

I pray that distance only means that we'll be together in the meantime and that we can grow out of individual space.


In time.


The clicking that interrupts white noise is me eagerly responding to you.

At times I'm afraid to pick up the phone, during others I become a coward, withdraw and anticipate you typing.

I get short of breath.

Silence broken ushers curious gladness. Reconnected via wrists and fingertips helps smooth quiet loneliness out. It replaces conversation, but only in a season. I write in silence only to break it with a yearning thought.

I read aloud to exercise the power of the written word into spoken.

Words have the power of life and death.

I view pictures with hopes of recall enhancing our face to face. Every now and then I check my pocket to make sure I have enough to bring that thing together.

I can't swallow.

That thought so tense. That thing is time. Things happen in due time. Timing is everything, it's special that I might want to dedicate said time for a long time.

We move within silence not knowing if that motion is directed towards completion, but we want it to.

We want it to, right?
MOTION, TIME - 2006 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo, ya dig?

I remember when I wrote that and when I sent it via email. It was the first time I didn't go and grab stationary and do the ditty by hand. The thought and intent was the same and I felt good in hitting the enter/return key.

I knew it was to be, I just had to give into the feeling and feel comfortable in being me. Could i still be me and live this way? After a few sleepless nights and thoughts of going without I knew that this is the way it has to be, and I like the answers the Creator gave me on making such a move.

Once long ago he took it away, and now in this new opportunity I get it back. With interest.

I get to have my name, the one I chose and I get to live with it until I become someone else. It may take a handful of decades to want to part with what is rightfully mine.

My name is Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo and I am the rightful owner of my very own name. After years of deliberation and the IRS hovering over me and the government wondering why I want my name to sound like the newest threat to America, I have what I gravitated to which is the name I chose.

I just got married y'all. Married to change and progress. Forever connected to the concept that I am who I say I am the the idea of freedom of choice. And now I legally assume my family name and am able to wear it proudly among my people.

And chuckle at how they try to pronounce it.

Go ahead... Say my name.

Where's Waldo?

I am alive and well...


Chilling...


Prepping for the wedding.


More to come later...

Where In The World Is Hassan?

Trust me when I tell you that there is a reason that I haven't been here.

A good reason.

You just have to wait for me to share.

Trust me it's good and juicy.