Dope Encounters Of A Focused Mind

It's been a difficult month and a week since I last did this...

As of this post, I've been actively blogging for ten years. I don't feel any significance behind it, so don't congratulate me. There have been gaps and times where I should have written something, but times sure have changed since I started doing this cathartic act, trust me. I don't apologize for the blank spaces. Think of all the times I've been absent from my own thing as times I was either too tired to act or moments where I should have been doing something else and no lesson was learned.

It's a different process for me these days. I've barely settled into my legal blindness and now I permanently exist in the realm of uncomfortable... I use speech-to-text software to do this here thing, and while one would think it would be easier to just say shit into the mic and then review it before hitting the send button, I've found it difficult in just saying anything and pass it off as a 'Hassan-ism', so fuck that.

I don't know how and where I get the motivation and energy to do whatever it is I do, but I do them. I don't have much to live for, everyone in my life are these scared, fearful people who don't know their value or purpose in their own. They stumble through life with no real direction or clear focus and look to me for leadership and validation in these aspects. This saddens me because one: I can't give that to them (they must define it themselves) and two: I never got the chance before, during and after the sixteen procedures performed on me in 2012 to (rebuild my eyeballs/save and stabilize my sight) to rest and recover. I am physically and spiritually drained because those people continue to relentlessly drink up all of my life's emotional Kool-Aid, never wanting (or even volunteering) to refill the pitcher. I now have mere drops of which I have left to quench my own shit.

Everyone else stays away form my stankin' ass. I'm thankful for that! Few know that I have necrosis of the kidneys and that my days are numbered. Only one person (and now you too, Dear Reader) knows that I gave up medical treatment and am now (successfully I might add) using the Gerson Method to ride out whatever I have left in this adventure called life on my own two feet; on my own terms.

Or at least that's what I hope. One never thinks of falling into a coma or being bedridden until the end, not being able to do a damn thing about how they go to glory  I say to hell with that notion! Try to have control over how you go by being in enough of a condition to control when you go by doing right by yourself in the now.

I truly believe that there is a way to go correctly, and that is to come correct. Ending one's ways of bullshitting self will do wonders for you. I stopped bullshitting myself a couple of years ago in thinking that I was going to live this charmed life of marriage and family, and that I would have my health and would would have my family around my deathbed, holding my wife's hand as I give my final words to my then-grown children in the true meaning of life,,,

Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!!!

Gone are the days where I have this arrogance in thinking that I have time. I can no longer procrastinate. Never had it in the first damn place! I never thought that I have my youth ahead of me because those option really never existed for me. Ever. They don't exist for you as well, but what can I tell you?

Most of y'all think that you can just wait things out until the storm clears. Some of you even have the mitigated gall to believe that some mystical, magic being will eventually (if you talk to him/her long and hard enough in your head) will do it all for you where you never have to put in any real work or physical effort. So you wait. And do nothing. And have no plans. Well they exist in your head, and that's about it. You never act on them. And you grow old in your waiting. And you never do.

I can't wait for your stankin' ass because I don't have that much time.

I'm already spending it doing things that matter with those that value what they have, the few that are. I am now busy doing bucket list type shit, enjoying every second confident about when I eventually die, my last moments spent will be me going "WHEW!" rather than lamenting on the fact that I did not live during my lifetime.

Fuck your job.

Fuck your car payments.

Fuck the bowling league.

And fuck your couch!!!

The PTA is cool - Go see your kids in that God-awful stage play or soccer match and cheer loudly.

Other than that my friends, you can catch me when you catch me. I'll be around, but I'll have my hands full doing stuff.

You know, shit that matters. I'm experiencing such dope encounters... My thang is focused. I still function pretty damn well for what I am. Might as well use it in doing than losing it in not even trying. 

And it doesn't have to matter to you. I'd hate to make you late for work tomorrow,