Make It Stop!!!

It's funny... I was just speaking with my friend Whitney this morning about finding an assisted-suicide doctor as to eliminate myself from the suffering.

No, I'm not emtionally in dispair, I just know that I am not as strong as Roger Ebert was. He publicly and somewhat cheerfully blogged about his illness and subsequent surgeries and treatment and still had a zest for life.

Publicly.

If his cancer battle is anything like my battle to live a somewhat 'normal' life with blindness and organ failure, then I admire his strength in suffering through it. I know that his wife Chaz was right there every step of the way and maybe that;s the key. This is something I do not have.

Doing this without either a safety net or a support system is suffering in itself.

No one should be made to suffer.

Absolutely no one should be made to suffer alone. At least with a tormentor, one has something to bounce pain, happiness (as twisted as it sounds) and emotion off of. I think about peaceful ways to go every day but just don't have the strength to make it happen by myself without it being very violent and making a mess.

The one friend I do have won't help me and Kervorkian is dead.

Well, I haven't checked Craigslist yet.

People And How They Suck

If you walked ten feet in my shoes, you would know how much of a horrible existence my life actually is. Yet, I still get up, get out and do more things before 9am than most people do all day with pleasure.

And without a seeing eye cane.


I am having trouble adapting. I am having serious, life threatening problems adjusting to this life, but I do. I have no earthly idea as to why, but I do. And I don't complain about it. matter of fact, there is no one to complain about it to. All of the weak-minded, weak-willed cowards that called themselves friend and family disappeared last year.

I take pride in knowing that I need none of them.

It is a bitch eating alone and not having companionship, but my mind and abilities counter with the fact that I never needed a crutch, and I like the fact that I don't have to answer silly questions and explain shit to make someone else feel comfortable and guilt free.

I don't get that shit at all.

I would tell y'all what I now do with my time now that all of the surgeries are over, but no. I'd rather keep some things to myself. I have learned not to reveal my innermost feelings and desires because unless you've been struck blind...

Wait.


People shat on me when I was sighted and had all of my faculties, they are no different now. What people do do is place upon you all of their fears and limitations and tell you what you can't do, then get all holy ghost surprised when you successfully blow your nose or wipe your ass.

Yes, someone actually asked and followed me to the bathroom last year to see if blind people actually knew where to put toilet paper after one defecates.

I shit you not.

I do have a series of surgeries scheduled for June, but know that right now I'm back on my grind, prepping for state board and re-certification exams so I can re-enter the land of the wage slave.


And me being blind ain't got a damn thing to do with nothing.


It seems that most of you folks are my true obstacle.

"I don't believe that there is a situation in life that would not benefit from people being more intelligent. Yet, I see people avoid using their brains like it is some dangerous exercise that will result in injury. Or they only use if for work. Or they let life/love/somedumbasssituationfromthepast punk them into thinking that they'd be safer just going along to get along (i.e. ignorance is bliss). Or they think that prayer/dogma/routine absolves them from thinking. Thinkers make the most money, have the best sex, eat the best food, and are least likely to be screwed over; so why, for fuck's sake, wouldn't EVERYBODY want that for themselves? "

My brother Lorenzo Gayden from Tha Sip' recently said that.


I can't agree with you more Bruh...