Get Fixed Or Die Trying

Yo, I'm slipping.

I'm at a place physically where my body can't tanke another surgery. I've had 20 of em in the last year and a half. I am more than tired. I'm mentally exhausted when it comes to dragging my ass to medical facilities.

My medical team told me a few weeks ago to do no more. I was advised that there isn't much more they can do surgically (within reason) to get me beyond the point of where I am right now, and that actually disappointed me.

I am not in denial, but I absolutely, positively cannot be left like this.

As an engineering major, I have been trained and taught that there is more to everything than just to leave well enough alone. I know that there are advances in technology that can give me the sight I desire and leave me with the motor skills to function as a normal human being beyond all of the medical treatments.

My chief surgeon begs to differ.

I fired him last week.

I volunteered myself for some experimental, futuristic, George Jetson, crazy-type brain surgical shit that could possibly leave me vegetative or worse if things go wrong.

I feel like I owe it to myself to do everything I can in my power to fix what's broken so I can have a better quality of life. If I were not as educated in the process I would agree with my old medical team that my body could no longer stand surgical repair and I would accept being disabled and with handcuffed ability.


I ain't going out like that, son.

An Open Letter To The Ones Closest To Me

I've always gotten what I wanted by simply going out and getting it.

When I realized that being a black man meant nothing in determining my fate, I was able to make obtaining what I wanted easier. Coming up poor and barely getting by as a kid no longer affects me as an adult. Having communications issues with my parents and siblings also no longer matters.

You see, there is nothing to blame anything on. There never was.

You may argue with me, but having a handicap or being of a certain racial makeup or being limited to opportunities based on class or the like I believe are just excuses for the weak.

Now, not all of us can transcend. Some of us aren't able to let go of the mental and so-called spiritual constraints. I tell you that this is cultural conditioning. You have to be able to see beyond it, and  for some of us, being poor, or having a disease or feeling like they are constantly being held back because of class, genetics, sex or race is muffling enough...

Enough that you will never see past your current situation. That saddens me because I see so much greatness in all of you. To know that most of you will live and die unfulfilled makes me feel for you, but that doesn't make me want to stop my thing because I too must strive for happiness and fulfillment in life, and some people must get left behind.

It's up to you to want to catch up.

Some of you have tried different methods... Some of you have learned pseudo-spirituality from your parents and grand parents and for the sake of tradition have practiced it... Placing hope in the mysteries of the teaching of a messianic figure that just hasn't given you anything, yet you refuse to move from it, even though it has done you no good.

There has always been more to the spirit than simple religion, but in order to not offend and having total lack of understanding (or not dedicating the time) and sheer ignorance, you stay away.

It's like putting your money in a mattress - You will have no return on your investment. No interest earned. And you only did that because a grandma or an uncle never trusted the banking system for his or her own reason and put their money there. What good does that do you?

The same applies with love and relationships. There is more than one path to success. Same with diet and exercise. The same with work and your social life... You do the obvious and nothing else... You've maintained the status quo and now you wonder why you're not satisfied with where you are.

And most of you are my peers, so that means you are an adult possibly with grown children and even grandchildren. You have nothing to prove to anyone, but are still mired in fear and uncertainty.

How am I supposed to build with you?

And no, I'm not talking about the acquisition of things. You can't take any of that shit with you.

The fake hair, nails, makeup, shoes, clothes, cars, debt, pseudo-education, acquisition of pedigrees and pseudo self-righteousness as well that the relentless pursuit of money, status, political capital and the front-row seat at the temple with the zealots and the ones bearing false witness are the reasons you push me even further away from you.

It amazes me how some of y'all keep yourself so busy with bullshit that the time to get to connect was never really considered. I'd hate to make you late for work. No one is perfect, I am as flawed as they come, but...

Considering that most of you have probably lived longer than what you have left, don't you want to do things and be places that make you and those around you happy?

Or are you going to die and leave this earth looking, feeling and existing like that?

Progress Measured At Arms Distance

It doesn't hurt anymore.

I don't think it was ever painful than it was damned difficult to get through. When people suffer, it is hard to muddle through. I don't know about you, but death and disease, gain and loss are expected. It's how you acknowledge, accept, deal with... You know, the process and how one moves forward with whatever was gained from the relationship is what matters most.

To say that one is not prepared to move after even mere minutes in relation to a person, job, marriage or friendship is not to be laid on the person or thing that passes or goes away, but on the person blessed with the presence of such graces.

You should always be ready. No one is promised tomorrow.

I realize now that in my error, I have surrounded myself with folk that don't take anything seriously. There are friends that don't believe in themselves, family that cherish nothing and confidants that refuse to realize that this is as real as it gets and to cherish it and see the value is the best way to focus on the larger picture.

My inner circle is weak, full of doubt and lacks confidence. Matter of fact, I truly believe that these people that I have tried to depend on (which I cannot) for various things don't actually like themselves.

I have always believed in myself.

I'm about to embark on things that folk in my inner circle think they're personally needed in order for me to do. I guess it will break their hearts and piss them off something terrible when they see that it doesn't take them to provide a crutch of fear and doubt for me to do what I want even in the shadow of lost senses.

I may be legally blind, but I can still think, believe, crawl. walk and run...

I refuse to live in someone else's cloud of fear and doubt because they're afraid to do or because they seem to be stuck in an odd emotional rut. Our ancestors, family and friends have given us the ultimate in the most fascinating clues on this road map. It is up to us to use the gifts we were born with to achieve happiness.

Look, I have to separate myself from a lot of y'all because... Well shit. If this applies to you and you've already been shut out then you already know...


It's not me, it's you.