Blogging While Black version 4.0

Monday, December 13, 2004

I am in my mid thirties and I do not have children. I have enjoyed
being in this state for quite some time, me being my only
responsibility that is. In this time frame, I feel that I am in the
express lane on the way to finding myself. I also feel that in the
time given, I have been careless in how I've handled myself and
how I have treated others. I feel that overall I'm a good person,
deserved of good things when I deserve them. There have been
times that I've been at my absolute best, others when I needed a
good ass whoopin' from Mom... extension cord style.

I have overcome many physical difficulties and have gone through
my own share of ups and downs, but right now I cannot shake my
current state of funk. I only have a few people in my inner circle
these days, and I try not to hang much with then; so many
beautiful things are happening and I don't want to bring them down
with my burdens, so I just hang out at the batcave, and work on
the future.

I will appear in court later this week and next on a myriad of
bullshit. My carelessness and neglect will probably land my ass in
jail and I am not a criminal. I let a bunch of minor charges and the
fines related to them snowball into what I can only describe as a
legal and financial nightmare. How does one look life in the eye
right now and see prosperity?

The answer to that question is very simple, faith. Although I know
the answer to this question, it is hard to fully accept it. My faith
is strong, and I know family and friends got my back and prayer
works but, I am blinded right now by the fact that I had a chance
to get myself out of this situation and didn't. It's weird because I
felt that I recently had all of the financial and legal resources
available to make that series of fines and charges go away, but
they really were mirages and manifestations of false hope.

I think I'm being tested by the creator to see how much internal
strength I really have. And I'm beginning to crack. I can't be
around my family right now, they worry too much. My current love
interest is a situation that I will not discuss on this forum. What I
will say is this, complex is a very busy word these days. And that
is in the good context of the meaning. My question is, what must I
do to clear my head and move forward? How do I accept my fate
and know that I can come out of this mentally and spiritually
intact? These are BS charges and fines that will give me some
time, but not a lot. What it will do is help me lose my nondescript
job, put a stain on my permanent record and delay me in my
business ventures for a couple of months, not to mention empty my
pockets and put me back at zero. How can I not be worried?

I have always been as self sufficient as possible, but now I ask for
help. What do I do? Do I pull a 25th hour and spend my last week
campaigning for the party and bullshit ticket, or do I meditate on
protecting my ass (and my ass too) and try to continue what has
been blurred focus on what's in front of me. I know that some of
y'all have been in this situation, and I implore you to get at me and
offer consul.

I have received a metric ton of email from you fam, and I
appreciate it. I have also got requests for what the ipod/car
stereo/office cd player picks of the week are, and as you see, I
have them listed below. I really appreciate the concern, and now
that you have spoken to me, I feel that I must ask for your advice
on how to handle this situation. Hit me and leave me with some
overstanding. I must get through. This is very new to me and I
need to know how to get out of the funk before I sit in that
courtroom. How do I do it?