I Need My Sister

My mother's first born was my sister Robbie, who died of crib death in 1968. A couple of yeas later, after my brother I made it. Been here since. Wow, really has been a ride, but I'm tired... Just a little.
I wish my sister was here. I have so many questions to ask that an older sibling can only answer. I wish that in my mid thirties I had all of the answers to the "secrets and cheats" that get folks my age through. Okay, maybe not secrets or cheats, but there has to be a for dummies handbook to help folks get through pre middle age to middle age. I now question every move I make because at this point, failure is not an option.

One day, I started calculating how much debt I really was in, and I came up with a formula that I now use to calculate how far from homelessness and despair I am. I'm not far. I eat well, drink the finest alcoholic and carbonated beverages. I purchase only the finest growth hormone produced meats and cheeses. I dine out entirely too much. I see every major corporate sponsored big budget motion picture, I buy very expensive Afrikan woodcarvings and brick a brack in order to keep "in touch" with my roots. I fly to Vegas too much for no apparent reason (OK, I gamble and drink like a heathen when I'm there, but I bring friends too!) I never watch the 200 plus cable channels I have and I've seen a little porn on my overpriced high speed internet service. I iPod and wi-fi when I can, and I shop for... I need the new shit weekly.

None of this makes me happy.

I'd rather live without it...
Correction - I'd rather not pay for it, I feel like I can't live without it.
But I need to get rid of it.
I need to channel my energies into a meaningful relationship, and that means getting right with the creator.

Fast.

I know my sister would have been there to kick me square in the ass and set me straight. She would have told me about the subtle nuances on dealing with a black woman. I watch my mom and dad from afar. Big sis would have answered my calls at 2am and cussed me out for calling and hang up on my ass. Then she would have called back to see what was so urgent. My sister would have been there with me last month and the month before when all of my uncles and aunts started dying, leaving me to handle family business with a partner instead of handling it alone.

Then I realized that God doesn't make mistakes.
My sister was supposed to die.
I had to handle these things on my own.

I am overwhelmed right now with work and art. I can't seem to achieve balance of the two. I can pay my bills, but... Why do I consume so much unnecessary bullshit? If I were to die today, who would gather all of these things and where would they go?

Sometimes I feel that my big sister tells me to do the right thing.

Sometimes.

I know that is God.

I just wish she was here in person to give me a swift kick.

Sometimes.