More Monday Musings

There are some things that I have to do in the short term to make things better. Things are already as good as they can get, but I want better. My focus the past few months has been to improve both my spiritual and physical health. What I'm learning is that there is much more to getting in "life shape" than changing the way one eats and the frequency of prayer. The lord indeed helps those that help themselves, and that means positioning ones self in the right place. That might mean new job, friends and a different locale for living. I can attest that most of these things have or are happening to me right now.

Which means that I gotta keep working on stuff to keep my blessings intact. Here's some stuff that needs some changing:

I gotta eliminate 'nigger' from my vocabulary. Straight up, I use it too much and have the nerve to cringe when I hear it from other people. Paul Mooney did say: "Everybody wanna be a nigga, but nobody wanna be a nigga." I wish I could rip those words from my vocabulary and never say it again, but I can't. It flows too freely and has some meaning when I say it. I am working to wane myself off of that word. Problem is, everybody else be saying it.

I must make it important to my family that my name change is permanent and that Hassan is my name now. No one in my immediate family has recognized that I made a name change or will do so. They ridicule me in my endeavors to liberate myself from nigger mentality and feel like I'm ripping the family apart by doing such. I feel disrespected and have not communicated with them since later spring/early summer of this year. Check it, this is serious to me that my family (from Moms on down) does not see me as a man. My mother still refers to me as her child and that's so far from what I am. I've never been seen as an independent man in their eyes and they always ask me when am I coming out of the phase I'm in. I was checking my girl Taj's myspace blog and came across this:

"Y'all new niggas go and get you a little higher education and wanna kick that uppity shit to me? Go and change your name to Akbar Mustafa after reading a book and wanna kick your self righteous bullshit game on me.... Go and get you the blackest girl with the nappiest hair you can find and fuck her to Roy Ayers to make a statement to me? Wanna try an call a nigga out? Don't kick that I ain't no nigga shit to me... I was born into the struggle... Raised in it... Named for it... Breathe it daily.... Nigga please...." MC Ren, NWA - (song) Niggas With Attitude

That explains my family's stance on points one and two to a tee. I understand the connotation of a statement such as this, but I also understand that in order to break free, one must give up some of the things that seem precious to him. My grandmother named me. She's no longer here and I felt the need to move forward by removing my slave name after she passed. I'm still me. I just tweaked a few things to make me better.

I must accept that the Creator has a master plan, and I'm a part of it. Sometimes I question why I got it when I'm all up in it. I gotta learn to relax and enjoy being all up in thangs, other than that I'd be wasting my time.

I must learn to give more of myself. I'm spending more time these days researching and refining my business plan for the non profit I plan on starting. While that's going well, I still feel useless when it comes to the shorties. I guess what I gotta do is join someone else's efforts and do some work there, learn from that and apply it to mine in the future. I think that might make me feel better.

I have to embrace my best friend even more. My guy is starting to figure out that people have questioned his actions towards them upon returning from Cali after his mom passed a month and a half ago. He really clammed up and stopped communicating with a lot of people. He asked me the other day if I wanted to ride out with him Thursday to wish some holiday cheer and visit some of the homies. While my normal answer is no, I definitely have to roll because there may be a few awkward moments due to how he was treating folks a while back. I don't think he realized that he alienated a few of the homies and will probably approach them like nothing happened. I need to be there to help smooth things out. I already let him know about his stank-ness to some of the extended fam, but he doesn't believe he did anything wrong. Should be fun, right?

I must continue to display my works. I am inspired by someone that's holding my heart. Sometimes my feelings get lost in the babble when I go on and on so my poetry is minimal and to the point. I'm sure it says what I want it to without the rest of the fodder. I must learn to be more like my poetry. Short and to the point, like this one:

My heart is to be ripped from of my chest,
Because I love you that much... That you should see.

It's rhythm.

Come closer - swing your hips,
dance with me.

The rhythm is so loud and strong,
you hear that?

Damn.

Not only do I hear it but I feel you.
Your rhythm.

Move with me.

We'll take turns leading,
I'll continue to feel, and you...

You just keep giving me that vibe.
copright 2005 (like Saturday) Hassan Ntimbanjayo - And yes, I said it!!!

Enough ramblings for a Monday? I think so.