Umoja

"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."
- Steven Biko


I might rethink how I celebrate and participate both Christmas and Kwanzaa next year. Just about everything I planned either went terribly wrong or just didn't happen. There were people I wanted to see and spend time with that I didn't end up seeing or spending time with. It's been a minute since I hung out on the south side, and I took a trip to the city for nothing. Funny thing is, my mind played me this message on the way to the city last night to spend time and see a movie:

Stop. Turn around and go home. You don't belong here.
"Huh?"
You heard me. You'll see.
"I don't understand"
Just wait. You'll see.

It seems that the holidays preoccupy some of us with things to do and places to go in completion of duties and responsibilities to said events and people. Sometimes those things get in the way of spending time with those that want to spend time. I think I impeded onto some of my people's time this weekend which pretty much curtailed other activities I had planned to a minumum. I'll be home for Christmas indeed. I turned my thang around and headed for the crib. Should I have listened to that voice? It's weird because I love the city so much, and I don't get a chance to get there and hang like I used to. I'm thinking that my timing was off or something. Folks aren't used to me actually participating in holiday festivities... Nah, I'm fooling myself. Some people just didn't want to either want me around or want to be around me. It's cool. I never want to be someplace where I'm not invited.

I ain't mad that I got stood up (Even though I did take the train and commuted all over the damn place trying to get to you. Let's not get it twisted, I'm still angry, but I will calm down. You'll get forgiven, but I won't forget. Trust.) Y'all still family... I'm still going to reach, even when my arm gets tired.

I actually think my foray into hoiday celebration took some people by surprise. In one instance, a serious attempt to get a simple Christmas gift online ended up so botched that I got charged twice for the same item (maybe I'll get 2), and being told that its on backorder until after the new year. Although I thought giving the gift would be a cool gesture in giving of myself, I got an odd you're pushing me away kinda vibe. It serves me right to try to do something I though was cool (obviously I thought so and no one else) and ended up getting 'that look' in the process. I've always gone above and beyond for my fam and the crew 'just because' and never questioned myself because I secretly hold out thinking that others would do similar things for their inner circle. I thought wrong. Sometimes I should let things be. Someone said that you get only one or two good friends in a lifetime, I'd like to prove that theory wrong by being that friend to many. Dammit, I really want to be. I'm a big man and I got a lot of love to give. Even though I got stood a couple of times today, I have not been moved. I still wanna kick it with y'all and make that plate. I ain't going anywhere.

I still have dreams of me in the future putting together toys and attempting to erect the impossible toy while the kids sleep on Christmas eve. I imagine my queen looking over my shoulder, wrench in hand explaining that part A should attatch to B with those funny looking screws, both of us laughing at the situation because we bought the contraption back in November and chose to put the toy together at the last minute. I also dream of queen and I going over what activities we have set for the kids in celebration of Kwanzaa whitch leads to:

I hope beyond anything else in my life that when I finally come to rest that I have mended all that has created distance between my family, some friends and myself. It hurt a little yesterday that I did not get the opportunity to spend time with my immediate relatives and close friends. I understand that I wasn't the only one running around in an attempt to see as many people I could in this limited time. I also understand that Christmas is the celebration of the birth or the Saivior, and that as long as we have time, we have opportunites other than this one day to come together and be family. I do a lot of things alone, but there is an urge that burns in my heart that tells me that I cannot do or be anything without reuniting with those are a part of me. Today I observe that I must make the necessary step to strive for and maintain unity in my family, community, nation and race. The only way this can be done is through action. I pledge on this day to do everything in my power under the eye of the Creator to become one with family, friends and on the block as well.

The results of some of my actions have caused me to change focus. I gotta complete some of my goals as opposed to planning more and creating obstacles. I also have to work on a better understanding of how to effectively communicate what I want and how to go about maintaining a united front with those I care about. This means I have to be less vocal and more in motion. I'm looking forward in seeking the guidance of an elder brother in the spirit to help me understand what it is to be a successful black man beyond 35. I've also retained a legal team that'll help me get my business off the ground next year. I plan on getting more in tuned with my health and fitness, so I'm looking for a personal trainer and a nutritionist with a sympathetic ear for vegeterians. I realize that some of the karma I've recieved is a direct result of my lack of understanding of myself. I wanna take things to the next level, but first I gotta do me. Relationshipwise, I don't know. I don't have any answers in this category. I'll continue to let the Creator will guide me in the right direction and the vibe will let me know what my next move will be. There is a Light that shines and damn near blinds me and like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to it. Unity is a difficult thing, but I'm willing to learn more and get closer to The Creator so I can get there.