I know now that I must leave this place...

Chicago feels funny.

Not that it didn't after last week and the week before (understand that until I have total comfort and peace with what happened I will talk about it, so bear with me), I just feel like a stranger here now more than ever. I can't stop drinking... I can't stop seeing him laying on that slab in that blue coroner's bag with the back of his head missing.

He had his head turned to the left as if he was flinching in order to miss the shot.
He got hit in the lower part of the right side of his mouth... That bullet travelled down his spinal area and destroyed everything in its path.
He also got hit in the right side of his neck... the bullet came out of the left side of the back of his head, That part of his skull along with some tissue is missing.

I keep seeing that
I keep seeing that
I keep seeing that

The had him in a blue zipped up bag, naked and fresh from autopsy. They cut him from belly button to breastplate, researched his insides and used the skin from his chest to braid his body shut after exploring. It is the worst thing you could ever see, even if a person is dead.

And I can't picture nothing else in my head. I have killed 2 gallons of Skyy Vodka and at least 3 cases of beer since Sunday just to function enough to go to work and deal with all the shiny, happy people that are at my 2 jobs...They seem to care about nothing else about anything else in this world.

I spent my Thursday (which was my birthday) acknowleging his cremation... And I got calls on my cellphone during this process wishing me a happy birthday. I wish I could have shared my pain as I answered those phone calls all normal and shit, but life goes on for everybody else, and I'm supposed to just put the happy voice on the phone while someone I know and love gets baked at 1200 degrees at that same moment? Right?

Ayesha calls me during the cremation process and doesn't realize where I am or what I'm doing... She has the unmitigated gall to be angry over me ending a call with her as I am with family during this tragic moment... She even snaps off on me because my ending that call hurt her...

I hope you NEVER have to see a 14 year old child with his brains blown out and then deal with rest of the world like it never happened...

And you're hurt and angry?

Tell that to Lil Bill, who never took a life but wants to kill everyone involved with taking his little brother's life. This is something we still have to address, because it won't go away.

Fucking wow.

Call me selfish... I will never be done with talking about this... Hopefully for you, the reader I will just let this go and blog about other shit, right?

In a solid, working class neighborhood, how does a 14 year old boy get shot point blank in the face?

by another kid!!!

answer that...

I was working out and studying for the exams for what was considered to be my plan B in perusing a career in law enforcement, but I now know that I do not have the balls to be heartbroken again by seeing another child laying on a slab, that and me having to tell another parent/sibling/significant other that someone felt they had license to end their beloved's life all willy nilly is no longer an option. Being a Chicago cop is out of the question. Going to Georgia to do the cop thing is out of my plans as well.

But Chicago still seems funny.

None of my friends here understand what I'm going through.
And I fell in love with Georgia when I revisited.
Decisions, decisions, huh?

I now must find another plan B to replace the guaranteed pension and tax breaks and consideration that a cop gets on the regular... What that is, I don't know.

I'm not complaining, but in the past year or so, I ended a relationship that I thought would lead to marriage, found what I thought to be a possible replacement of that in a prospect of new love and fulfillment in a relationship and got burned as I fell hard for her and fell out of favor with her in the same breath, lost a good friend to the streets over some bullshit, got shot at my damn self over similar bullshit, ended up job jumping into extreme boredom due to a fellow co-worker's error prompting my previous employer to mass fire my whole department, had to get a second job because of new debt (new car/fuel costs), well mostly new boredom because I do need extra money to relocate and I especially need to stay stimulated and motivated (meaning I can't sleep or create) during this process, took on the burdens of a couple of people that are special to me and let that beat me into a spiritual void, and now, losing a recently turned 14 year old black man to be to the streets.

I'm tired and I need a break, but I'm not down because of this, believe that.

I know that the creator has a master plan. I know that there are big things planned for the kid. I try not to focus on the negative in a sense that it gets me down, but I think these things happen (to me) because I need to find my place and act (proact and react) accordingly. I am not the first person to lose a family member to violence on the streets. I am not the first overemotional, heart-on-my-sleeve, wide open guy to have his heart broken by a younger woman. I am not the first person to damn near get burned by the street hustle. I am not the first to stick my neck out for a friend or loved one and end up carrying the emotional weight for a minute while they go on a 'feelings vacation'. I'm not the first cat to get fired for something someone else did.

And I won't be the last, so I release all of that by blogging about it. I want to let you know that I will keep getting up, but also know that I'm becoming arthritic due to the repeated blows and it's getting difficult to pull myself off the canvas (did you see Chris Byrd get his ass kicked by Dr. Klitchsco Saturday? Damn shame, huh? Right in front of his wife and kids...) but I still do and will continue to until I take my last breath. These aren't temporary setbacks dealt to me but serious ass life events, but in rebounding I gotta treat em' like small setbacks or they will snuff me out.

How do I get over the heartbreak of losing a brother? I speak to and spend time with my other brothers. I cultivate relationships with them young cats I look down upon with disdain, anger and sorrow. I must accept them and try to get through those thick hip hop marketed skulls.

Entertainment/Reality? It has to be explained. Rapping and hustling aren't the only ways to get out of the hood. I have to let them know that they see God when they look in the mirror. I must release the anger and resentment that I have for them as well and reach out instead of pulling my hand back out of anger and arrogance. I must accept them as they are and work to bridge the gap by coming through and spending time, doing real things to distance them from the corner like hanging and playing ball and doing corny shit like camping as well. I must communicate to them that me just getting to 35 and going through my bullshit with faith, relationships, credit, employment and family loss is a triumph in itself because they don't know that yet because they're just shorties. The goal is to get old and then pass on how they made it to another young buck to help them understand and motivate them on how to get there. Just as I hang with my elders sopping up all that old school knowledge and swapping war stories with the brothers at the barber shop and pool hall, I need to exchange those same energies with the shorties so we all can vibe on the same wavelength. Easier said than done, and I know this but I'm willing to try. Until I get my non-profit off the ground, I gotta roam the streets like Kane from Kung Fu and have presence in the hood and politick on the corner just like Jesus did, but continue to compose my scrolls like Muhammad (and have a down ass chick like Kadijah at my side as well), and get my energies right and exact and exchange them so they can learn to deal with the mindfuck like Buddha did. No excuses, because we are a dying breed, and we currently live in the midst of death culture. That train of thought brought on by incantation and habit must be reversed and done soon.

What makes me feel good even in my darkest moments is the fact that I wake another day and get a new chance to make anew my covenant with the Creator.

And make something out of what I am dealt.

I never ask anyone to understand...