Saturday's post... Not that anyone will read this post

Stagnant.

That's how things seem here.

Nope, not in Chicago, I'm sure you all know that I've had my fill of this place. Nah... I'm talking bout my blog.
I get the clues. I also get the emails as well as opposed to posting - sometimes I wonder, cause' that ish some of y'all be popping to me via email would set some folk off on the actual blog... So POST dammit!!!

This week, I will delve into the world of reactions and what one usually should do.

I got a call. Okay, I got a call and an IM from an old flame. She was wondering exactly what a brother was up to and wanted to hang. I can do that, right? Exes are exes... Right? So as we hung, the comfort level fell back into where it was back in 2003. I felt that. She felt that, but... We ain't going there.

There has been so much time and vibing with other people that has occured since we split that even the notion of "that" just cannot and will not happen. I have respect and still have love in my heart to do the right thing and be civil and also be respectful to the one that my attention is focused on right now.

I was told that the comfort level with me was something that has been missed, and we both pondered how things got to the point where we're visiting each other from different sides of the fence years later. I was told:
"It got to the point where I could not trust you"


Damn... Another one.


I was recently told that I am a mysterious black man that just can't be figured out. Now I'm hearing that I can't be trusted. Nope, not like that either. I was told that I could not be trusted with her heart because she could feel the hell out of me but could not feel the direction I was traveling and that still irks her. With other men, she knew exactly what they were trying to do. She knew when bullshit was popped and when a brother was being straight up indignant in her face, just acting the fuck up. But with me, she said that she just didn't know. Still doesn't apparently, and that's just fine with me.

In a sense, I want to be figured out. I don't play the game, by the contrary I lay everything that is Hassan out on the table, and sometimes I know that this could seem like:


1.) a whole lot to swallow

2.) a whole lot of bullshit (hey, I'm 35 and still working towards a recording and publishing deal, trying to get a non-profit off the ground and have aspirations of making my business plan whole while working and traveling. It doesn't seem realistic to you. It doesn't have to.)

3.) a whole lot of things that'll divert my attention from you

4.) a whole lot of busy work that'll keep me from commitment


And I do this from the jump. I tell everything. Well, not all, but I come close. I already know how most react to my frantic pace to have my life mean something and have purpose. Most believe that one is supposed to belong to a certain set of people or ethnicity, neighborhood, political affiliation and geographic region. I never have related to that. I blend and can exist as well as the next man on the streets of Tondecheon and can do the same on the Castro (and feel secure in my manhood and won't run or bash), just like I do and have done on the south and west sides of Chicago, Turkey, the hills of Colorado, chocolate ass DC and Wiesbaten, Germany.


I am Hip Hop, and Hip Hop is universal.

So she couldn't figure me out and chose to pull away. That's what happened. She withdrew from a good relationship and I when I asked why at that time she would never tell. It got ugly for a minute back then, but THAT was not worth my time so I jetted. We kept in contact over the years, but never explored the possibilities of getting back together. That is something I've never done and in this case, have no plans of doing. But I had to know why and I asked the other day and this is the answer I got:

" I don't know you and don't know where you're going, so I gotta let you go".

Something familiar happened like that this past January. I never get the chance to have my big finish in that one either... It's cool though. My traveling and non-affiliations to region, area or politics and shit like that were the blame in us breaking up. I was told that I am in too many places at the same time and that I should just be in one place so she can keep pace. I don't think so.

I told her she should have kept up.