An Open Letter To My Potential Yang

To my blogfam, thanks for the advice and all about slowing down, but...
Understand that I haven't gone out on a date as of yet via the online dating thing. At this point, I really don't want to. I don't want to get in detail about what's going on behind the scenes out of respect to those involved but I will say this (I'm talking to those that just popped out of the blue and for those that haven't but just don't understand what's going on):

There are a few women that I know that participate in the online dating thingee I joined that wonder why when we met some time ago why a connection wasn't made.

There are a few (and I'm not exaggerating here, I wish I was) that I was involved with that wonder why I'm even looking for love at all when they are right there (pointing).

Well to those that have found, rediscovered or thought they knew what time it was but just weren't sure let me say that I've always functioned better alone. I enjoy the fact that I only have me to care for. Call me selfish or whatever, but for me it's just easier this way. I know that I won't be functioning that way in the future, I will find my kindred sprit. I've always had grandiose ideas and back in the days before I started dating (pre 2000) I was with someone that didn't always agree with how I did what I did but supported me in the impossible (and for some of y'all, you probably know what those ventures were) and believed in me as I did her.

That's the only thing I'd like to repeat.

I can safely say that although I never compare exes with exes there is one criteria in which you must hold the gold standard, and that's why it's been damn near impossible to consider long term or longer in my relationships with some (for some that's been extended conversations until I got to the point where it was no longer necessary), and that is support.

Yeah, I said it.

Support comes in different mannerisms. I've felt the vibe, had the conversations and even heard the fodder that lead to convo and excessive banter with family, sorors and phone buddies from around the way. If my beliefs and actions in them effect your esteem to the point where you think something is wrong with you, see Katt Williams. If you halfheartedly support me because the sex is/was good, we look good together (on paper and otherwise) and/or my potential is so strong that you know you can fuck me into that open junior VP position at your homegirl's firm, or you're waiting for recoupment to drop from the label or publishing house...

sigh

If you cannot believe in me like I believe in myself then what do we really have?

The exact same thing we have now.


I know I have potential to be on the top of the food chain in this or that industry.
I know that I'm loyal and will kill for you at moments notice.
That my eye doesn't wander and I have the utmost respect for you at all times (that's my mamma's words, my grandparents love and my daddy's fist).
That I would bend over backwards and break if need be to accommodate you and make sure you know that you are loved and faithfully believed in.
That if I wanted to be, I could teach at the University level and then come home and deliver the Heathcliff Huxtable to my own seed(s) and be effective.
That intimacy to me is the highest equivalent in the spirit.
That I compose words that some (that incidentally aren't connected to the lit publishing industry) find intriguing, and that helps with me expressing how I feel about you.
That I'm probably one of the last honest people in the universe because I'd rather put it on the line and deal with it rather than suppress emotion, lack understanding and lose time...

I know these things about myself and I take pride in being Fran's favorite grandson (she verbalized that to the rest of them), Debra's son and a student of Granddaddy Sammy and Pappa Zo. I learned that from them and honor them in my actions at all times cause' I still might get my ass whooped if I act out. Understand that I don't want to be a teacher, I'd rather not have anything to do with corporate America anymore (with the exception to going to deal with book/music publishing issues), that I'm through with school and am not going back and my honesty I guess at 35 is my calling card. Hell, the fact that I'm blogging this is because I have nothing to hide.

All I want is to continue to have the ability to compose, create and find an channel to get it out to those that appreciate it, and be able to share it with no incident. A few years ago that meant self-publishing a few poems and making bootleg CDs to hand out to those that saw me at a poetry spot or a showcase, but I must care for and feed myself, and there are some in the lit and music industries that believe that I can attract a core audience, so I now direct my energies towards them in creating new material and rehashing old.

If time has passed me by on having children, then it is/was my passion to delve into the artistic side of me and share the love given back to me by those that understand and appreciate when we interact within that realm. My compositions are my babies.
If a glaring opportunity (to you) was missed because my focus was not on a having a relationship with you, then know that it is not me that should be loving you. I have never waited to dive into a project or an opportunity to reveal the artisan in me just as I will not wait to open my heart.
If the conversation never got past basic stuff (as much as I talk), then know that my interest waned at some point.

I'm not quite sure if I'm supposed to be in a relationship, but I do want one. My best work comes from me doing my thang when I want to, how, where and when because I have no clocks to punch and no one to report to. I should not have to be on a phone schedule and should not have to report my every move to anyone for that matter. Those things bother me. The fact that I am not chattel is the fact that I take pride in roaming free and just doing my thang. You can't compete with that.

Some of y'all just can't hang.

With me.

I'm not putting myself out there like I'm holier than thou because I'm not. Some of you that frequent the blog need to re-read my previous posts.

Digest, then understand.

Then question self first.

Then ask me.

I am trying to find the one of you that is equally yolked with I. This may take longer of a timeframe than originally expected. The one thing I do know about writing and composing music, the rhythm and movements, the completion of non verbal expression, the beat of the drum and how it replaces my heartbeat in song... I know I can share that with a person. I just haven't gotten to that level with most of you. No offense, but to be able to see the Creator in composition is what I live for. To be able to share that equally is my desire. It's a hard thing to do. You must live for that as well and forsake all other things.


You are not your job

You are not your sorority

You are not your pedigree(s)

You are not your mother

You are not your environment


You are the spiritual embodiment of yang to my yin. God has made the perfect compliment you to I and I to you. I want to explore that when I find it. I just haven't.

Yet.

It has nothing to do with me putting a profile on an online date service. I meet people in many other ways, that is just another method. I never expected to hear from all of y'all (at the same time) once my pic and thangs went up there anyway, so that particular method of contact is now at the bottom of the totem pole because y'all scare the hell outta' me. Until then I will still compose, create, travel, fellowship and have a good time not being tied down to anything or anyone.

There is no routine, and this is where we differ.