I am at a crossroads as to whether I can actually be in a healthy relationship at this point in my life. I have to be open and honest with how I feel about trying to share myself with someone even though I'm still trying to find out who I am and what my purpose on this plane of existence really is. I sit up all night thinking about who I am and where exactly I'm supposed to be and how is affects folks in the positive or negative and I can't figure that shit out for anything right now. My mind is so clouded right now and I can't seem to clear it out and focus on one thing. I really need to think about where I am with relationships right now because it's of utmost importance that I find where I'm supposed to be. I owe it to myself and others to know where I'm supposed to be.
Right now I'm in my weakest moment physically, emotionally and mentally, realizing that there are parts of me that will never recover from my most recent injuries, the damage that having diabetes has caused over the past ten years and of course all the stupid stuff I indulged in as a younger man, that stuff being eating, contact sports, blue collar work and of course alcohol, and not in that particular order. It indeed takes a toll. I accepted that I'll need to medicate, meditate and moderate in order to be some of the things my woman needs me to be. I realize that I'll also have to stand still and plant roots somewhere because most sisters need her man to be an anchor so things can get done. I also realize that my earning potential is under scrutiny and being 36... Shit, I better sell a few books and CDs because me jumping into a retirement plan ain't the answer.
Time for that side hustle.
I stopped running from my relationship problems a long time ago. I did try to hide my shit in an attempt to be function like normal folk so I can have what other people have. Not that I hid my emotions to that particular sister, in fact I think I've been a little too forthcoming with em'. I tried to be there for all of life's ups and downs while handling my own shit internally. Some of that major stuff I shared as to not come off as distant and non trustworthy.
That shit didn't work.
Either I pushed folks away or got smoked out in some aspect by folks that obviously didn't want anything to do with a dysfunctional cat such as myself. The painful part is how folks pull out on your ass when things starts getting hot. I got my head spun a couple of times and it changed the way I interact with folks seeming to be sincere with their actions and panning for my affection.
So much for folks accepting you for who you are. That shit about folks being accepting to gain one's favor and build on trust over time is soooo damn false.
"Fell in love with this fish who got caught in my mesh"There was a lovely lady who's intent I thought I had on Rosa Parks
But yo she burned my scene up like David Koresh
I guess a diamond ain't nothing but a rock with a name
I guess love ain't nuttin but emotion and game
It's a lesson well learned so praise is well due..."
Dave of De La Soul - Itzoweezee
But her ex came to town and took back her heart
And she left me standing silly in the dark with a mic
Caught up in expressions
and learning lessons of depression
Sometimes it seems I can't connect with female beings
To my little Aya-Mo when she having them dreams
And her facial gleams are sweet, but soon to switch to bitter
cause when she reaches sixteen she'll be considered a piece of meat
Not a treat but a trick to sex in showers
People kick last days, we in the last hours
Minutes and seconds, I reckon it won't be long
til recorded ways of striving will be dead and gone
But this loss coming through despite who try to see me
These brothers are too hard, sisters are too easy
Sleazy..."
Posdnous of De La Soul - Stakes Is High (remix)
So these days I try to keep my shit guarded like them shiny coins stowed away at Fort Knox. I blame myself for kinda' knowing in advance that I'll get burned in the long run and I kick myself for putting myself right back into the same pot of boiling bullshit I just stepped out of. But for some strange reason I keep trying. I keep wanting to go there because I know that I can be accepted for who I am and not looked at as a commodity or better yet, a shield and storage facility for someone else's emotional garbage with them not wanting to sift thru it themselves while not letting me sift thru mine.
I hold out hope that I'll run into someone that'll put up with my ass and find a way to intertwine my levels of dysfunction with hers. The thing is, I kinda like living nomad style, so being in one place just doesn't do it for me. I have to travel and be in new places, do new stuff. Interact with new(er) folks. You know, out there fellowshipping. Not that I'm running from anything, I just like all of the moving around I do and to find someone that likes to move with you is damn near impossible.
So I noticed that a brother that likes to bounce around the planet, doesn't want children, looks at marriage as a major cause of dysfunction in today's society and likes to keep himself guarded isn't so sought after, but I still hold out hope. All I gotta do when I find her is see if I can really extend my trust in her direction. That's the hard part. It seems like every time I wanna give up the combination to the safe something is either said or done that makes me retreat and raises my eyebrow in suspicion and lowers my expectations in frustration.
But there are some signs out here that make me think.
I hear every single one of y'all. I am appreciative of your concern and words. I'm most appreciative that y'all stumbled thru my ramblings and such and read all of that stuff, that's major. We'll make it thru. We have no choice now do we? I hope to somehow shake a hand or give a hug to every one of y'all someday. I knew I wasn't alone... Knowing that makes me chuckle... Just a little.
Heh, I just chuckled.
12 comments:
Yay...a chuckle. It's a start! :-)
Too bad you don't live in Jersey - we could hang out!
I move around a lot too. I've been in Jersey for a year, the Bronx for two years, Harlem for two years, Queens for ten (stayed there for a bit but moved around six times in those ten years) and I grew up in Bed-stuy. My friends think I'm crazy...what can I say...I like to move.
I thought once I bought the condo, I would sit still but nope...I'm ready to rent this bad boy out and move again.
I have issues - I know...ha!
Anwayz...continue to hang in there!!
i think it's admirable to want to wait until you sort out your issues to find a mate. i can tell you from experience sometimes that works. in my case it didn't work for me. my bf and i have experienced craziness together and apart. it seems we like being crazy together.
but i do love the fact that you're taking care of yourself. keep it up.
I agree with Aquababie, it is admirable that you are waiting. Funny thing just when we decide to let go of something things even greater happen.
I am on that self-discovery, recovery road and it is rocky right now. I do believe that we don't have to be completely put together to find Love and a good relationship. It is all in the timing.
I agree with aquababie and Shai. Putting ourselves together first is admirable but sometimes the road to self discovery is a shared path. The singular route isnt the only route. sharing big losses with someone can amplify sharing the big wins with them as well...
a lil chuckle leads to a lil laughter. Its all downhill from here. :-)
Dude, I'm feelin' you.
It really is amazing to see what we do to ourselves as younger people. WE just don't think time will ever catch up to us. I know as a younger man I did a lot of stuff that has broken me down big time, and I have ten years on you.
But as things are we can't go back again. And woulda, shoulda, coulda, isn't even a good consolation prize. So we now play the hand we are dealt.
On another note, when it comes to women, I often feel as though I personally have little to offer. It's just the way it is, especially for the "seasoned" among us. I often look around and ask myself, "What da hell is this, and how in the fuck did I get here?" After all, when I was younger, my life was going to be a lot different than it is right now.
But it is what it is, as they say, and it's all I have to work with right now. So, I hang on to my old military standard:
"Maximum utilization of available resources."
When I ain't got it, I gotta find a way to work it out with what I got.
Easily said by the way, difficult to do. But I remind myself, isn't that what African-American women have been doing for years?
But that's another subject all together.
Hmmmm I see marriage in your future
lol
Seriously!!!!!!
you already know what it is...
Brotha Hassan, I read somewhere that self-awareness is the first step in the creation process. And as a brotha grows in that self awareness, you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave.
Trust in that understanding then gives you my brotha, the great opportunity and freedom to change those things you’d like to change about yourself and create the life you've always wanted and most definitely deserve.
Without fully knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible. Kudos on the patience man. Do you.
A wise man once told me that, to be loved and understood, you have to be lovable. to be lovable you have be willing to put up and be put up with.
Deepnthought, I like your comments. Good ones.
You one complicated brotha. Good to see that somebody can actually take the time to consider who, what and where they are in their life.
Today I can only tell you this. Forget about being at that crossroads you mentioned. It ain't worth all the thinking about it. Just dive in and get that girl in your life. A wise person once said "You never know what kind of man you're gonna be until you choose your woman". You can't win if you don't play you know...
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