There was once a time most recently where I woke up and found myself full of holes. I saw maggots and worms crawling thru me and I smelled like death had ravaged me but I was still alive. I looked around and saw my skin all over the place. I also saw the gristle of my cartilage and ligaments and immediately knew that I was harvested to erect everything around me, but I had not drawn these blueprints...
I was in the terminal a couple of months ago when I got a phone call. It was a representative of the company I work for now. She was trying to sell me on the company but she already had my mouth agape at hello. I had left Houston with my last few dollars and had no immediate plans. I did contact a few people about getting back on the road but not them. It seems that scavengers exist in the recruiting industry. I should have known that seeing that I was once an executive search shark myself in a past life.
I woke up a few nights ago and I was sore. It seems that where there were once holes and ripped flesh was newer, regenerated parts that seemed to have grown out of nowhere. I smoked cigarettes back in my old army days and I remember the 3 month mark after I quit. It was the only physical fitness test I damn near maxed and it was due to me healing because I quit. I then remembered how lethargic I was when I was smoking. I had that same thought on how I was when I was totally outside my element. I was sick. I was depressed. I was limited in how and what I did because you take on the characteristics or better yet you are a product of your environment.
My mother told me how sick it made her during my time of exile. She revealed that she had died a little bit because her life is her children. We may have disagreed on many things, but she is one of my many anchors that I released and she damn near sunk due to non-contact. That will never happen again.
I took a deep breath a couple of days ago and realized that the air from being on the open road has evicted the phlegm and mucous that flooded my lungs when I was living down south. I also noticed that the pills I ran out of to control blood pressure were no longer needed. I also noticed that I was at least 30 pounds lighter and my complexion, well, I guess I look a little better minus that scar...
Why do some of you exist in adversity when you don't have to? Why must some of you have/want/need drama in order to be fruitful? What ever happened to love just being all you needed to get by? I observed the whole Jena 6 ordeal and to be honest, it took the movement to get viral 18 months after the fact in order to get justice? Blah... Some of you who supported and went down to Louisiana have no clue. What happens to the residents and brown folk after the crowds left after all the people leave? Did you ever wonder why things went down the way they did?
Think for a minute.
Sometimes it's all about opportunity over everything else.
Ever think that the DA and the judge just didn't want them little nigger boys to take over the mill so his son or daughter could? Ever think that with multiple felony counts those young men would have to continue struggling? To me, that's attempted murder on behalf of the powers that be. Now what will you do seeing as over sixty thousand people 'marched' (or just took opportunity) and the courtroom was still closed and that young brother is still in jail?
Wonder why the families that live in and around Jena never stepped forward?
I applaud the bloggers, texters, emailers and campus revolutionaries that did their thing to put forth the effort, but all that money, time and effort went on deaf ears. And CNN and Fox News still can't report that shit right...
Wonder why?
Some of us have not taken control of our souls.
I saw that parts of me were harvested to help others build their villages of misery and none of it ever benefited me. The day I'm not a negro, nigger or nigga from the mouths and minds of my own is the day we can really call for justice. The day my sisters stop calling themselves bitches or hoes while being offended when someone outside the sister circle calls em' that is when certain freedoms begin.
The day we see ourselves as family and quit the bickering and hating amongst ourselves is the day we can all get free.
All I did was take myself and remove the bullshit.
People
Products
Geographic Location
Thoughts
The day I totally wane myself off of other things external is the day I'll have no qualms about dying. It's the reason that I live. It took a lot of effort and convincing of self for me to force myself into living and loving myself first. If I ain't free, then everything else around shall burn and fall like a sinking, burning ship at sea.
I've replaced lots of hate with simple love.
And lots of water, cause it lubricates. Drink a little with me, it helps the flow. I ain't better than anyone believe you me, I just wanna be free. I do need some company in my endeavors though. I know a lot of us are trying... Hard, ain't it?
15 comments:
well alrighty then
True, true. But as with most things in life, if it was easy, everyone would do it.
This is deep, brother. You remain the man.
KZ
Its hard, but I try to take things one day at a time, ya know?
L
I know my mom hates when I go a while without talking to her. She hates it. I always say I am going to work on it but its hard to keep in touch
(applause)
Yep, she said you were deep....
*singin* "cuz it's hard out hear fo' a pimp . . . " Umph ain't nothin like a good ol' fashioned hoe-test, ummm I mean "protest' like Baba Steve say.
Ain't nothing wrong with gettin right and clear. Cuz only then can we see the light. I see you! *lookin*
True true, but it takes work to get to that point, and most people abhor doing anything stressful regardless of the end result. Especially if that work involves self reflection and self-improvement. It's always been easier to lay blame than to clean your proverbial kitchen.
i try to keep in contact with my family as much as possible. i might slack but i'm always in touch with the parental unit. i only have one left, so i hold on tight.
I had to re-read this... I can only comprehend so much at a time...
Thank you for making me think and dig deeper.
I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't able to maintain contact with my family. Part of me not even moving parts west or even further south of where I live now is so that I can be within striking distance of them. Be as it may, I hope to never allow that bond to sever or ever stray to far away to NOT stay in contact. They are all I've got man. Be well my brotha...
i hate reading you because you hold me accountable. i HATE that shit.
and thanks for it. :)
wow. i had to read this twice...i can usually scan a post and get the main gist, but this, i had to read again. excellent thoughts. your mind is brilliant to me.
replacing so much hate with simple love is a hard thing to do...glad you're working towards mastering it.
hope all is well.
Wow...you're a deep one, my man. I like that out of you. Your perspective and expression are refreshing. Consider me a "repeat offender" to your page.
"The day I'm not a negro, nigger or nigga from the mouths and minds of my own is the day we can really call for justice."
Yo, you absolutely right! I still got a friend who keeps using the word and I get tired of hearing it.
My prayers are with you, dawg. I'll also link to you.
Peace
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