What's My name?

I fell in love a long time ago.

I knew that I would make a jump into things sooner or later, all I needed to do was to hold onto myself and finally admit that I was ready.

I still had to be told though, and that's not a bad thing.

I gave thought about naming kids and the difficulty something like having my name has these days... And then I remembered that my grandmother named me 'Hansel'.

Like Hansel and Gretel.

A little black boy named after an eastern European character out of folklore.

Shit.

My kids shouldn't have a problem with the family name... Except for them kids wanting to be Gotti and Gambino. Why a kid never wanted to be Amin or Mustafa still puzzles me. I never heard a little boy back in the day admit to wanting to be Chaka Zulu.

And that African was dope.

I digress... It came time for me to realize how much I needed to bridge the gap. Knowing that I'm going into my 40's in this reality just didn't feel real. I wrestled with the thought of going it alone as I always have and then I remembered the piece I wrote a minute ago in tribute to a woman in purple that totally blitzed my senses and made me think of redefinition because of how she triumphed over adversity and made her life a thing of quality... And how I fell in love with that:

We move within silence not knowing if that motion is directed towards completion.

To me silence replaces distance, so I make noise as to keep unspoken feelings audible.


If I can hear, then I know that you're close.

It comforts me knowing that your emotions are within arms reach.


I hope that actions mean completion of us.

I pray that distance only means that we'll be together in the meantime and that we can grow out of individual space.


In time.


The clicking that interrupts white noise is me eagerly responding to you.

At times I'm afraid to pick up the phone, during others I become a coward, withdraw and anticipate you typing.

I get short of breath.

Silence broken ushers curious gladness. Reconnected via wrists and fingertips helps smooth quiet loneliness out. It replaces conversation, but only in a season. I write in silence only to break it with a yearning thought.

I read aloud to exercise the power of the written word into spoken.

Words have the power of life and death.

I view pictures with hopes of recall enhancing our face to face. Every now and then I check my pocket to make sure I have enough to bring that thing together.

I can't swallow.

That thought so tense. That thing is time. Things happen in due time. Timing is everything, it's special that I might want to dedicate said time for a long time.

We move within silence not knowing if that motion is directed towards completion, but we want it to.

We want it to, right?
MOTION, TIME - 2006 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo, ya dig?

I remember when I wrote that and when I sent it via email. It was the first time I didn't go and grab stationary and do the ditty by hand. The thought and intent was the same and I felt good in hitting the enter/return key.

I knew it was to be, I just had to give into the feeling and feel comfortable in being me. Could i still be me and live this way? After a few sleepless nights and thoughts of going without I knew that this is the way it has to be, and I like the answers the Creator gave me on making such a move.

Once long ago he took it away, and now in this new opportunity I get it back. With interest.

I get to have my name, the one I chose and I get to live with it until I become someone else. It may take a handful of decades to want to part with what is rightfully mine.

My name is Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo and I am the rightful owner of my very own name. After years of deliberation and the IRS hovering over me and the government wondering why I want my name to sound like the newest threat to America, I have what I gravitated to which is the name I chose.

I just got married y'all. Married to change and progress. Forever connected to the concept that I am who I say I am the the idea of freedom of choice. And now I legally assume my family name and am able to wear it proudly among my people.

And chuckle at how they try to pronounce it.

Go ahead... Say my name.