Are You Awake? She is... And So Am I

Sorry to disappoint but there is nothing bad to report about my marriage here.

No fighting.

No arguments.

Nobody left or for that matter planned on leaving.



A couple of weeks ago I put it out there that I thought my marriage was going to fade like Mike Tyson would say - 'to Bolivia'. I asked you guys how can I save my marriage and I even suggested for the good of my wife's well being me stepping aside.

I meant that.

I got a ton of personal emails and so did my other half. The missus gets a lot of negative email from a certain portion of her readership that wants to know what spell she put on me to have gotten me to commit to her (specifically) in the first damn place. My email as well as the spouse's on this here blog were supportive and informative.

That ish right there leads me to the answer most of them sisters (and a few misters) are looking for. Fear.

See, my wife is trying to shake doubt, fear and frustration and some folks can help project that more than others, I respect all of those that responded either by blog or by personal email, or by myspace and facebook for that matter. I appreciate yall's concern and I really do listen. My frustration with my other half's frustration was clear to me and she was clear in her frustration.

Those things get worked out. Most things that happen in our relationship happen at the Ntimbanjayo compound, and this was no exception. We never discussed my post or hers in detail. Matter of fact, I got home a little late off the road and the night of our anniversary we went out to the spot where we had our first date and had a few drinks, a cool dinner and got some sleep after some cool ass pillow talk.

Just like every other night.
I'm speaking of the pillow talk.

Things have been mostly regular around here, but I still take exception to my wife telling me everything but her thought of giving up a few weeks ago. I had to read those thoughts on her blog. The only thing I urged is that she indicate to me the times she gets frustrated. Just let me know first so I can act on it. I understand that I get pushy and am so detail oriented that I will cause the average cat to clam up, I just don't expect that from my wife, so she got called on that.

I know relationships have ups and downs so this doesn't phase me in the least. I will keep pushing and stay on top of her (even though she likes to mount me... she's a bouncer) because we have work to do. We love each other and choose to be with each other good or bad. I know that I can come off like a cyborg sometimes, but this is my marriage. This woman is my life, the best thing to happen to me and I will not let frustration take over our marriage so when I don't know I will come to y'all because based on the reading of blogs that I do, some of y'all have been married and most still are.

I also understand that actions are clear and concise. Getting to the promised land means budgets and balancing, time spent as well as financial planning. There will be late dinners as well as late payments in the struggle to make things work between two people from different backgrounds making house and making babies to fill said house. I am unapologetic in my goal to make my wife happy. If that means after trying every which way but Sunday and agreeing to disagree than that's what I'll do.

That's my job as a man.

Know this. If you tell me that you want to have a great life and you want to share that with me then know that I will hold your feet to the fire. Know that every action is supposed to get us there and any reason we cannot get there is an excuse. To have a great life time must be spent building that and I will not let work, bills and outside family members get in the way. I understand that in order to run the compound we must work straight jobs and claim a paycheck but there is an entrepreneurial spirit that lives in my heart and in this relationship that can provide all that we need. I will not let the "I gotta work to pay these bills which means I gotta spend more time away from you/us which means we won't talk as much or have dinner and I forgot to call cause' of work so you misunderstood what I meant - wait there's another bill so I need to work more or get an extra job to cover that expense which means more time away you... Sorry" mentality take over my household.

Waaay too much talent and desire to stand on our own as well as history of being independent of how society does it businesswise in this family for us to fall into that work thing now. Waaay too much at stake to stay fallen on the ground. I expect a stronger presence in my presence and we will not fail. Sometimes I will ask for your help in not letting us fail. I don't live in a cloud of fear and neither does my wife but we both reserve the right to get tired and cry for help.

To answer the questions emailed to my wife, that's how she got me to commit to her. She stood when a lot of you (and some of you I know or know about) were either not willing or were too weak or muddled in excuses to stand. I can accept that from some but I also can see who wanted to get up when they were knocked down. At the time I was looking, the woman who became Mrs. Ntimbanjayo was standing and the rest of you...

Well...

Wake the fuck up.

Sometimes I might be required to wipe a little cold from her eyes. But that's what a husband is supposed to do. We all ain't built or equipped to take on the shit. I was built to muddle thru it and fight it off because I see the light at the end.

Some folks stay asleep and still can't even dream of what we see. For those that fall into that category, I pray for you.

You snooze, you lose. I'm an insomniac.

I have something to live for, and I'm willing to fight the entire universe to stay alive.

Nothing else matters but life. For those that continue to lurk here wishing us death, well... Death will come onto you and I hope it's swift and merciless. Oh, you thought I wouldn't address you? I see you when you come here and you wish us to fail. Sad, I went damn near two weeks not blogging and you were tuning in to see failure on the regular. Daily.

I mostly pray for you.

Death doesn't live here, so take that shit somewhere else, aiight? Matter of fact, keep coming back, and keep sending email too. We'll show you how happiness and life is done, seeing as you like to lurk.

For the rest of you... Thanks. Love goes out to y'all.