Blogging While Black version 4.0

There are times where I wonder why I even stopped myself from ending my life.

Sometimes.


There are other times where I love being here and can't wait for tomorrow.

I am just a man.

I make decisions that affect other people's lives now and I hate that I have such an influence.

But I want to have all that I deserve and can afford and sometimes, that's a lot for one person.


I am not a nice person by choice.

I can only think of a few that I actually trust, and one of them ain't my momma.


I have shitted on a few and have been shat upon by 95% of those I have chosen to open my life to. In some cases, I have gone back for more.
Shit is a waste material that is devoid of life, how can I continue to survive in this universe on a diet of feces?

Suffering is a part of growth, growth is a part of understanding the essence of end results of suffering. Some of those I came into contact with are better off on the other side of the sufferage extended to them on my behalf.

When is the right time to smile in the midst of hardship?

How will folks interpret it?
Am I meant to smile?

Is everything supposed to be struggle?

The one thing I know is that my happiness is dependent on my internal satisfaction of how I deal with the universe.

There are so many more external things on this plane that can invade the darkness in my soul and can transform them to light.

If I shine on you, will you use that light to see?
Or will you hold your hands up to block that light?

What happens when my flame flickers and goes out?


Maybe I should stop holding my breath. I might need a little air to keep that fire going.

Something has to fuel the struggle.

Just know that the fire inside will never make me someone you can get along with.
The light sometimes hurts my own eyes.

And sometimes, I'll do something for the greater good that just doesn't seem to make sense.

At least that's what it seems like to me.






Whatever...


I could be wrong, and half the time I usually am, but does that make you right?