Belief And How It Affects...

Sometimes it's just best to listen.

I've always listened even though in some cases folk will tell you that I wasn't when I really was.

I share what I believe and even though I was raised in a traditional household, I shun tradition. Most folk that see and interact with me on a regular basis just can't get by that and my disappointment in their reasoning on the how and why I do what I do can no longer be held in.

Nah, not anymore.

I'm not a skeptic or a cynic, even if I've make a snide remark about something. That means I'm listening and have paid attention to detail. Details are so important to me, they indicate the inner workings of a thought, idea or ideology, and I need to know the numbers and see the schematics in order to find out the 'is' of the matter because nothing is ever what it seems on the surface. We all look for the truth in things and I observe closely how a lot of us layer a lot of man-made fabrications, laws and ideas and put our lives at stake based on these half truths and outright lies and call it living.

Let me explain:

This time of year means absolutely nothing to me. There is no emotion that I can invoke about Christmas, New Years or anything else that happens this year because I understand exactly what the definition of fabrication is.

My wife's birthday and our one year anniversary fell on two days other than Christmas last week and for some it might mean all kinds of things to do and stuff to get to celebrate a milestone, but to me they were just Tuesday and Wednesday. I realized a long time ago coming up in that bad ass neighborhood of mine and dealing with family, friend or foe in my immediate circle (which I had no control over but observed closely) that every day you get on this planet should be cherished. Between ignorance, bad nutrition and lack of available and affordable health care taking folks way too early on my block to the unnamed bullet snuffing the life out of the random innocent child to Wayne Williams (yeah, we feared his ass all the way up here) during childhood, I was surrounded by misery, shame family infighting, murder, poverty, racism and even me being touched by a trusted guardian so I told myself if I ever got out of the hood alive and sane...

I would appreciate each day of my life that much more.

I am surprised and shocked that I am alive at 37. I really truly thought I wouldn't make it.

Funny because Thanksgiving 2005 saw me wanting to commit suicide because I felt alone and it seemed that no one could understand what language I spoke emotionally. I recalled vividly from the past the two people that got murdered right in front of me and how I carried on like it was no big deal. I went to school and hung out like it was a regular occurrence but deep inside all I could think is how the departed no longer had to deal with silly little shit in life like I had to all the time. To me, death meant peace and I wasn't having a peaceful existence back in 05. I thought I was in love and ended up getting my heart broken a month after my Thanksgiving experience and a couple weeks into the new year I was also standing next to a friend that got shot. A funny thing happened after both my breakup and my guy getting hit... I had a unique energy that seemed to have come out of nowhere. It told me that I was just getting started in life and urged me at that time to live stronger. I never really wanted to commit suicide based on how much I wanted to get past a bad relationship and thrive, the real tell was how fast I ran when I saw and heard that gun popping off.

That's probably why I cried my eyes out and sobbed over the phone to the woman that would break me that Thanksgiving night. All I probably needed at that time was a good cry and a shoulder to help me get over the shit that life piles up at your door. And an example on how quickly I could lose everything (in that gun incident) even when I didn't have much to begin with at that time. It led me to a discovery:

I have faith in me.

I stopped believing in external things and started believing in myself. I have a deep respect for those that devote themselves to a particular ideology and truly stick to it but I believe now that we've created all of the things we hold dear to us just as much as they've created us. That attitude I took in late 05 - early 06 started to attract people and situations that would change, enhance and be a detriment to my life and my belief is that I live better now based on what has happened.

Sigh.

"The only thing that wins or causes love is personality. If you have distinctive personality, you will be loved whether you have physical beauty or not. Your personality may have flaws and not be entirely beautiful from an artistic point of view, but if you are an advancing soul, not only is somebody going to love you but in time to come everyone will love you. Love is the energy of life, and one who has more life in them attracts more love from others. Love motivates you to become a better person for those you love."

Djehuty Ma'at-Ra

There were some folk I attracted with what I wrote on my blog and publications locally with them never seeing an image of me. There were those that saw a snapshot of me on the internet or saw me at a poetry slam and just wanted a piece of me physically for no apparent reason. There were those that walked the path with me, got to know me and flat out rejected my personality and still tried to impose their will on me to ensure their own esteem only for me to turn and walk away... I never experienced that in meeting and getting to know my wife, and we've known each other for over 3 years now. The difficulty I have in being married to her exists from things that happened in the past either on her side or mine. The actions of other people from the past still in some sorts has a profound effect on our defenses and at the start of our marriage I was dealing with how other cats treated my wife and how she dealt with me as a result. I opened, she froze, she opened, I closed. Wash rinse repeat. You can't have a relationship like that, so I listened more intently because our interaction and love for each other led us to marriage and it ain't as simple as just walking away. I learned to listen again. I came off the road to be there to listen more often. She listens to me more than from day one. We still have problems with belief, tradition and practice which is more a stumbling block for her than it is for me because I wasn't raised to have emotional attachments to things that were not designed for us. You can have a birthday party or wish a million people a Merry Christmas, just don't include me in it. I believe that every day is too special not to celebrate that particular day and Christmas... Well... I'm not Christian and should be respected as such. I don't impose my will on you and I hope (even though I'm outnumbered and there is a sense of so-called tradition on your side) you don't impose your will on me. The death blow in any relationship with you is when you attempt to slide shit in on someone when that it was never part of the original agreement. So we communicate. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't and we learn to live with the results. I cannot see myself as someone married for a year, I see myself being married, taking things one day at a time as they come. All I have is today. Yesterday is gone and will never return and I can only live for today. If I get tomorrow then well... I deserve to celebrate that when it comes. There are a lot of new things in my today, even though I've been in similar situations with other people in the past. In being married I want to experience things with my other half because we made things that way. We chose each other to share all of life's moments with because we both thought that we would make the perfect companion in helping ushering in all things new and old. It's a process that shouldn't be taken lightly or for granted. There are times I wished I was still single. There are times she probably wishes the same thing. But the good times have outweighed the bad in enormous amounts and we do indeed enjoy each other, and that's what counts. The love of it all. The time spent. The new experiences that pile up and create what is to be a life spent with your partner. It's starting to pile up, the good stuff, that is and things are cool in the Ntimbanjayo household to the point where we're debating on consolidating offices and sharing space due to the baby's room eliminating the need for two offices...

Whatever, man.

It has been a long journey from back in the day.