What Goes Around...

Good morning world...

It's damn near November and I am not trying to look at the calender. 2009 has already taken its toll on me. I have had so much taken away this year, but I am humbled and am still grateful for the little that I still have.

I have gratitude.
I recognize grace.

I am appreciative to all of those that have inspired me and have given unselfishly to help me advance, even though sometimes I might not show it. Except in one case. In that one exception, I have not forgotten. Hatred and contempt cannot be easily be removed from my heart, so I remain silent.

Still.

To act on those feelings would be to compromise a lot more than I'm willing to give, especially to that particular person or that situational. But I don't forget. I cannot, I will not. Never that. I already have blood on my hands from days past that I have not resolved yet in my life that affects my here and now, so the past is the past. When I address those things (in due time), I'll address that as well.

Some of you have no idea what the hell I was just talking about, and that's probably a good thing. The other thing I brought up at the end of that is the fact like a few of my brethren and sistren, we feel responsible for what we participated in as members of the military in campaigns past. That overwhelming feeling of... Whatever it is still weighs heavily on our hearts today. That ain't karma either. More on that later. It definitely puts things into perspective though. Makes huge, life changing things we think could be the catylist for change seem petty and insignificant. I have a past and I have hurt people and done things I am not proud of. Some things are bigger than others.

And when I think about what I did as a soldier.
Most of you will never know that feeling, and I will never question your opinion on war and such.
Just know that you have no clue and probably should remain silent.
Unless you served. That's the one thing from my past that bothers me still.

Knowing that I came home in one piece, that I survived and have been successful in not hitting the bathroom floor when I piss (as opposed to changing a bag like some) has always humbled me and put me back where I belong when I start questioning the grand scheme of things. Earlier this year I started to question things. I wanted a word with the chief master architect. That was waaaay before my branch got rattled and I started losing friends, family and influential people.

I lost my place. I forgot that adjustments in the universe had to be made and eventually, that ish will affect me. And then I listen to one of my favorite De La Soul joints, 'Held Down':

Held Down - Featuring Cee Lo

This is dedicated to all my folks
Diagnosed with a bad case of that proper upbringin
And never took the time to fall in line or follow
or swallow the thoughts
Of the recognized committees who lurk throughout ya cities
Ya hood, ya town, no matter which type
You from the same type of people try to hold you down
Just because you tailor made for bigger and better things
Never missed a chance to move ahead of things
And what does it bring?  I tell you for me
it brought jealousy in backrooms from all the stabbin
Cats posin as my fan just to get grabbin what's mine
I'm livin in times where my daughters are found around
kids who can't afford thinkin caps
But always found drinkin raps and eatin off beats
Claimin laws of the streets - but who made the laws?
Everybody playin Rebel with no sign of a Cause
 

Well I, feel the world around me
I've found, that others, will bring you down, just to be down
You've got to make up your mind, where you wanna be
Where you wanna go with your life
With your life...
 

Yo, I'm never singin the blues but findin the clues to maintain
And I been blessed to reign supreme over nearly every dream
I had, and I made it come true
I'm an imperfect man and I'm holdin the clue
to perfection, it doesn't seem to matter what direction I look
I find people settin traps
Tryin to find the goal - without havin any maps
Even friends of mine, jumped on line, just to become my adversary
They felt they were entitled to the dairy I made
They don't come to chill or behave

And they got, toast ready to burn
Not learnin to live, but they yearnin to take what you earn
 

Well I, feel the world around me
I've found, that others, will bring you down, just to be down
You see - you've got to make up your mind, where you wanna be
And where you wanna go with your life
With your life...
 

So quick to place blame... and deny the shame we bring upon ourselves
So many names held accountable for my own account
When a large amount was weight - that I made and shaped
When I climbed I found
It was hard to find others around to point my fingers at
Which made me realize the truth
The biggest suppressor could be your own ego lookin for an excuse
to plant roots, in a field of self-sorrow
to sprout and follow the first thing you feel
Nourishes your hunger to be respected, it gets hectic
And when I'm watchin the news, and my daughter walks in
and choose to ask, 'Why were all those people on the floor
sleepin, covered in red?'  I told her
that they were lookin for God, but found religion instead


Well I, feel the world around me
I've found, that others, will bring you down; just to be down
You see, you've got to make up yo' mind, where you wanna be
And where you wanna go with yo' life
With your life, with your life...


I need my SPACE, to live... Y'all don't hear me... Y'all don't hear me

Well I, feel the world around me
I've found, that others, will bring you down; just to be down
You see, you've got to make up yo' mind, where you wanna be
And where you wanna go with yo' life
With your life, with your life...

De La Soul 

- from the album 'A.O.I : Bionix' - 2001 

I'm just one dude. A cat with immediate responsibilities. Married. Both parents still around, remarried at that so there are step parents. Siblings, all with children. Work that has to be done. Taxes to pay. Shorties to mentor. Nieces and nephews to teach and support. Cousins, aunts and uncles. I have a grandmother. Political opinion, meaning I'm a constituent. I have friends that actually give a damn about me and mine and I return that favor as well. I create verse and song, not that much these days but my mind is full even though I recently lost my creative department and biggest critic and motivator, stuff is still there to be manufactured. I'm a blogger (whatever that means, I've been slipping on posting y'all). My place is home with my wife, spending time with friends and family, being able to stand firm on my civic duties, volunteering, creating new literary pieces and making a little music.

The external including friends, family and all that seem familiar will change on that ass in an instant. It is supposed to. Just because you don't want it to...

This has happened in my universe in the most dramatic fashion this entire year. I never panicked or lost focus... Well until a close friend passed away recently. I lost my place in things. I was at the tail end of a much needed correction in my marriage. We put everydamn thing on hold and went on the road because the vibe my wife and I had when I was driving my truck and when she traveled with me was good. I needed to bring that balance back and we were to work toward compromise on how we would live, I knew that we both thrust ourselves in to something that seemed almost impossible from the jump. Relocation, instant house and giving up living strictly for self.

We were supposed to do that. And we did.

We also moved out of our house and existed without a valid address for the length of the summer. Had to give that up because of its toxicity. We had no immediate plans on finding housing in Chicago when we left. We actually acted on our faith in finding a space in the respective cities we ended up in during our road trip. Funny how we ended up back in Chicago. Funny how we found a home here recently. Funny that we're taking possession of said home and will be there for hopefully the next thirty years.

We were supposed to find that house. And we did.

I wanted to go thru a detox program and go vegetarian... Ish. But a friend did it instead and the results are amazing. I did fast a few times on the road trip and my wife bought me a more powerful juicer and I took advantage of that right when my body began to indicate to me that after living twelve years with diabetes, arthritis and high cholesterol it began to show in my body's outwardly performance. Funny how quickly phyto-nutrition and herbacuticals reverses the effects of bad eating habits and a pharmaceutical residual presence .

I was supposed to go veg. And I did that. It was easier than I thought too.

Out of all of the things I gave up, things that were taken away and people I lost, I feel like I'm supposed to be right where I am even though sometimes I feel the urge to question it. I'm not saying that I understand all of this because I don't and I know never will. I know that The Creator has a master plan and I feel comfortable in whatever that is because I am still here, primed to make my mark and carry on for those that no longer can. Just a few months ago I felt like things were being taken from me and I felt like I was being both tested and put on trial for past transgressions but karma doesn't work like that. For those keeping score at home it never has so find something better to do.

I have also been inspired to do something amazing and become a true intercessor for others by one of the closet people to me that I recently lost. The motivation, opportunity and resources opened itself to me in the most amazing fashion. It is because of what my friend went through and what I learned about those processes that I am motivated to do what I pledged. I'm not going to share that now because I am once again a student and I have much to learn in becoming what I feel that I'm being led to become. I feel that I've been put in the place to do this because of what has happened in my recent past and now that I look back on all that has happened in my relationships and with my location, re-location(s) and possessions...

The Creator has a master plan for me. The changes are nowhere from being done. I just have to maintain myself in my current status and be patient... I never thought after doing what I've done in the past that i would get an opportunity to be a better person.