Free Your Mind And Your Ass Will Follow

 Sigh...

Sometimes, your mind can work against you and help you with the same electronic flashes of energy.

When I finally turned in around 2:30 or 3:00 (which is damned early for me) I turned everything off. I even unplugged the modem to keep its blinkiness from distracting me in the dark. I did my final check down (I still do that, there is still a little military in me), scanned the area in my final safety check and then got comfortable in the bed after turning out the lights and laid it down.

It was nice.
It was quiet.
It was comfy.

BUT IT WAS LOUD AS HELL IN THERE!!!

I'm talking about my brain. There was a hell of a lot of things popping off all up and thru there to the point where I decided to not ignore things. I tried my best to lay there in the physical quiet to attempt to address all of that thought, that chatter going on in my head. I think this was the first time in a long time that I actually paid attention to that. Normally I'd either ignore it, blanket it with alcohol (years ago) or just stay up and let a thought or two manifest itself into song or verse, sketch or note.

Not this time.

By kind of just laying there and having some sort of mental filing system filing thru my thoughts I found that there weren't tons of them all fighting to get to the relevant part of my head for review, it was just a handful of things and a few other random thoughts playing the backgound jammed into a small space, fighting for priority. Went a little something like this:

• The plan is to present the best proposal on Thursday in order to be selected because remaining a 1099 status dude is what we want. It is what we want, right? It has to be. That would be just like when you were getting that trucking money as a independent contractor, but you don't have to live in the back of a truck...And you'll be home every night. Is there anything we need to do to refine it before Thursday?
• That' a BIG-ASS house man. It's just you two anyway, do y'all need such a big ass house? Wait, your last spot was big and y'all were still bumping into each other... Well, not all the time. Y'all did hide from each other in that last one a few times. Hell, we used to wake up and disappear into that man cave for hours on end, but this time this spot has a basement and a yard. Damn, that's a big-ass house Bruh! Don't you like the fact that it's way the hell out there too? Cause the last time you invited certain folk over to the compound, y'all fed their ass and basked in libation only to suffer back wounds from all the stabbing weeks later because they really appreciated yall's hospitality. Probably was still full from that visit too... That toxic shit cannot even make an impression on the doorstep of that big-ass house. Enjoy your space man. Fuck sharing! Except with your wife...
• I still cannot believe it happened like that. I still can't believe that you're gone. I accept the fact that it did happen but... I had no earthly clue that we vibed like that... Like that! We talked every damn day, IMed and texted each other with silly ideas and cool suggestions of scenarios and prose and about life itself. We never hid anything when we talked openly about our relationships and significant others. We used to even pile onto each others problems and dreams with the most cynical, sarcastic and loving commentary because we both really did care about what was happening in our lives and wanted nothing more but peace for each other. That and artistic success. Even when we got emails, phone calls and comments about each other from folks outside looking in wondering how in the hell we were kindred, wondering just what kind of relationship we had, we would just look at each other, shrug our shoulders and keep it moving... It's hard for me to keep moving without you, but I am your brother from another mother and not your brother nor your mother... And I never was your lover or the friends numbered 3 other. And I've seen the pain in all of them.
• You gotta let go of that man. I mean, really... how long are you going to hold on to it? You cannot go into your 40s holding on to what damn near killed you in your 20s. You suffered all thru your 30s over this shit. just let it go. Please! You no longer need it, it no longer needs you so just stop it!!! What are you doing... Put that hot dog down!!! Wait, you ain't eating that hot dog, are you? Dammit, MISDIRECTION!!! GYROS ALERT! GYROS ALERT!
• You know they want $4k in a few weeks right? You got half of it. Wait, you have three quarters of it. Can you get the other grand and still pay the current house note and car note and fuel and lunch and the mobile internet thingee and still have date night and cook dinner everydamnday? I know you can. Just call Peter. If he doesn't answer then I know that Paul is available...
• Do you really want to go back into the education field as a last resort?
• Remember that one time when you were abducted by aliens and they had to let you go because they tried to pass off the anal probing thing they did to your cousin as colonic irrigation? Well, they are at it again tonight on TV, trying to pass it off as a TV show. Evil lizard bastids!
• Go see your brother. Not him, the older one.
• Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think its immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears! Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read! 
• Akufukuzae hakwambii toka  
• You know, that meatless night we had was damn good. Now if I can just convince the missus to do that every night with me the magic can happen. I mean, seriously, does she love meat more than me? This shit ain't native to our kind anyway. Is it driven into their minds that much in the south that it becomes a way of life to the point that it leads to the early deaths of so many? Man, we gotta talk...
• Don't act surprised when the Democrats get the snot beat out of em' today in these local elections. If congress and the Prez had just used the majority like the Repubs would have if they were in power and already passed healthcare... Land.Slide.Stuff.  Whatever, man.
• [Dressed up as Spiderman climbing on a clothesline singing to the tune of the Batman theme] Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Spiderman! Spiderman! Here comes Hassan on a clothesline but his name's not Hassan it is Spiderman! Spiderman! Come on Diva let's get busy maybe right here in the garden Spiderman! Spiderman!

And when I got thru with this half my mental filings, it was damn near ten o'clock...



Every day in November, see. Every day.

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