How Many Times Can I Say 'I'm Juat A Regular Cat' In One Post?

I live among a murder of crows.

Ain't no mo' you, ain't no mo' me
It's only us but no unity
Got yo' eyes open still can't see
You' soul is priceless but you'll die for free

I am just a regular cat. I have never attempted to put a title on my own shit. I had issue with other people calling themselves things they couldn't live up to (or even wanna) but that has passed. Sometimes folks need motivation, Others need fodder.

Whatever.


I am very flawed. I have made mistakes and some of them continue to shadow over me. I have had triumphs that I've forgotten and failures that just won't leave me the fuck alone. Just like everybody else. I ain't that damn special. Well, let certain friends, family and especially my wife tell it... We've known each other since 2005 when we were both in different places. We drew together because there was commonality. We were thrust together in 2006 because of the same thing. We were in the same place(s) at the same time in 2007 and after going thru some shit, it was evident...


That doesn't stop her from being the enemy sometimes. But that's how marriage is supposed to be, so we adjust and build trust all while giving each other the side eye.

I have friends and I have only one enemy. My friends know I'm loyal and my enemy... Well, my dad and brother stopped me from traveling south to actually cause that person physical harm. I had already let go of a lot of pint up shit, but I did want to take it out on that person anyway. The rage of a confused kid from the hood lashing out at nothing combined with the savage shit I learned in the Army is a bad combination for those that strike against me or mine. Things were put in motion to harm my wife and I lost income over negroes talking shit based on uncontrolled emotion and bad communication. Regardless how I got here I have a family and I will kill to protect them.

Just like you would.


Speaking of which, I was a soldier. I did bad shit. My mind charges my physical with constant reminders of the things I volunteered to do in the name of a few politicians which affects my soul. I know that there will be a heavy price to pay for my participation and cooperation for the things we set in motion... Charge that to my ignorance and conditioning, it got me a degree and IT certifications I do not use.


I owe people favors, a couple are owed to me and I hold a couple of secrets that have the power to crush, destroy as well as indict and convict. I owe people money, am in debt with the IRS and defaulted on one of my student loans. I have faith but do not believe, know more musically than I have read in books and I have never done anything that I regret, save meeting my enemy. I do not want to resolve that shit because I have an ego and I will not lose even if that means death. I secretly wish (it's out now that I'm writing this) death and destruction on one person and their family.

Is it you don't know? Is it they don't show?
If it is, then realize them crackers don't owe you no explanation
Yo' hesitation to learn the truth will be yo' extermination
That's why we gotta put the bullshit to rest
Excuse me, I'm 'bout to get some shit off my chest
 Brothas are still dying it aint' no excuse
A.I.D.S. got it where the people can't reproduce

I am saddened, feel left and insulted that I lost one of my best friends damn near three months ago. Saddened because I had first hand knowledge of what was going on and I could do nothing, feel left because she was my Gemini Twin in her creative while I was hers in my expression and insulted because mother fuckers still don't want to get that shit right regarding who we were to each other. There was a lot of chatter and outright lies bouncing around and aimed at my wife as to who and what she was to me. She was married at one point and got free, and although I knew this it was never in my place to indicate that to anyone outside of our circle.

Yeah, we had a circle. There were other people there, actually a bunch. She actually tried to fix me up with two of her girls (both are former bloggers so the inside joke was wider than a lot knew).  We vetted each other's lovers/friends and I just so happen to know that man that loves her most. Wasn't hard to keep those secrets because she was happy doing what she did and I respected that and her with me. It was hard to not lash out against the world because folks including those that called themselves close to me over the years thought something else.

It's sad because some of you will never know what it is to be kindred with someone creatively that you saw as an equal, even though I admired her talent and thought (and think) of her as leaps and bounds ahead of me creatively and wasn't afraid to say it. I was asked to remain silent and just keep things moving. I respected that, thought it would be the best thing to do and just rode the wave, knowing that there were some that didn't know, didn't understand and were probably just plain jealous of what they thought we had... The presumption of that shit destroyed a few relationships for the both of us but I look at that as a qualifier because it paired her with the man who loves her most and the woman that loves me unconditionally.

Um... Plus her guy got a chance to go unnoticed until very late in the game because people thought that she and I were... While my wife got hate mail and sophomoric rumor reports. Nice, huh? What really got me was the shit my wife got from folks when my friend passed away. It's a few of y'all out there that haven't grown past that high school shit. It's one of you that still can't get your story right and it (still) bothers the shit out of you. It's cool though. I hope y'all still have the power to facebook and/or blog when your ass starts to struggle thru a sickness or better yet lose your best friend or a family member. I have a mind to be right there like paparazzi on Brittany so I can root your ass on straight to your cold, damp grave or better yet, I might start a few nasty little rumors myself lying about how you got sick or who I thought you were fucking.

You disrespectful bastids. I am a writer and I can crank out fiction...

Ni@#as don't wanna listen when you tell it like it is
Can't even get his own cause you worried 'bout his
Regardless where you from I'm your got-damn brother
We ain't never ever gon' make it without each other
Seek and you'll find but we gon' stay lost until...
One Million Ni@#as Inside this frame of mind...

You see the truth is that I am just a regular cat. That's all I am. I care about my community and I want the world to be a better place. At the same time, I can only care about the health and welfare of my family, and in this time of 'Thanksgiving', I am grown enough to have dinner at my own house. That means that all that I do from this point is to build for the good of me and mine. I can love all of y'all but I'm going to have to do it from a distance.


Yeah, I've had death on my mind since I lost my sister from another mister. The fact of how things went down as well as us being the same age with the things going on in our lives and how they mirrored took me aback when things started to take a turn, and that affected me in a way that I did not understand. I still am trying to process things now, but I know (because Ladynay was on point in suggesting that I think things all the way thru to get to my next phase) that there is something for me to do, even if I die tomorrow.


I care not of what folks think. I share by blogging because I want to. Maybe that helps me, it ain't meant to inspire others because I am not a therapist or guru. Never claimed that shit, so don't give it to me. I know that the words I've written here have affected some, others more and in more ways than one. I appreciate that, apologize and hope that you understand that by spending a little time here that it's me mostly venting and going thru a sort of written self assessment. That's all this is.


I know that I live among a murder of crows.


Don't know what that is? Well, it's a bunch of black birds, scavenger and destructive in nature that sit and wait... Sit and wait for the destruction to come so they can feed in the aftermath. Every day I see more of them gathering and squawking, waiting for the fallen to lay unguarded so they can casually pick at their flesh. This is the world I live in. I'm still here for a reason, there is work to do.

I'm just going thru a thang in which I'm trying to overstand... Death can knock the living on their asses like it did me, and I'm just trying to find my place. I got lost in thought for a moment but I know I can't stand still. Everyone gets in a fog when things like this happen. I know what I have to do though. This is a hard adjustment because I know that it ain't going to be what we planned. Yeah, we planned some shit and my half is no good without the other half so I re-strategize.


I'm just a regular cat that probably does things in a way different than you do, but it's all for the same purpose. I have thoughts and emotions, needs and wants just like everyone else. I sometimes have the need to do things like everyone does. Like right now... I have to pee





Passages in italicized blue - Goodie Mob: Live At The O.M.N.I. -CeeLo's verse




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