Choosing To Be Chosen

I'm not mad.

Nope, I am not angry.


"Knowledge is power, and knowledge can be the difference between life or death... You should know the truth and the truth shall set you free."


Intro - 'Who's Going Take The Weight' GangStarr

I am indifferent though. I thought I'd be long dead before folk got to the point where decisions were made for them and they would willingly accept it. I'm trying to ignore this, but the disease has seem to have spread to the family that keeps me at arm's distance and the 2 and a half people in my very limited inner circle.

I love y'all, but...

Speaking of the folk I hold close and dear, the subject matter of many a conversation about 'The Choice You Must Make In Maturity' has been had with litttle or no response on us actually making a choice. Aside from trying to get myself back on track physically, I've been strategizing and optimizing  (hee Lee! *waiving*) on said choice fn either 'giving in' to my calling or continuing the chase of individual glory and its endless reward of finance and unbelievable happiness upon reaching the top of the mountain. Of course that's after stepping on and over folk using friendships, relationships and associations to get there.

Lord knows I have failed in the aspect of the latter.


You can't be sleepin'
cuz things are gettin' crazy
You better stop being lazy
There's many people frontin'
And many brothers droppin'
All because of dumb things, let me tell you somethin'
I've been through so much that I'm such
a maniac, but I still act out of faith


See, I've tried to latch onto it, be employed and employ it... Shit, I've tried to marry it, contract it out, direct market that ish and went on expeditions digging for it.

Fools gold.

All that time, my calling was in a holding pattern, circling around me just waiting until I exhausted all of the possibilities in chasing things that wasn't there.

I'm comfortable. I'm fine with the way things are. I don't have a want for much these days. I also know exactly what happens to those in the calm of  tumultuous storms who chose to not board up and evacuate while watching the weather channel...

It took these past months for me to accept the fact that I might have a serious handicap in the coming future. After I thought on it, I figure that I need to accomplish at least one thing on my bucket list while I still have all my faculties, so I started a fast. Weeks and various two pound containers of wheat grass powder and fresh juices later, I realized that I was healing faster than the doctors' original forecast.

Not that I had much faith in the general medical doctors. Understood was that these cats are trained on general medicine and the implementation of chemicals to balance sickness and wellness. I trusted the word of my neurosurgeon and neurologist, having been inside my head and interpreting the various scans and things.


I needed someone to defend my position
Decisions I made, cuz now it's time to get paid
And ladies, these rhymes are like the keys to a dope car
Maybe a Lexus or a Jaguar
Still, all of that is just material
So won't you dig the scenario
And just imagine if each one is teachin' one
We'll come together so that we become
A strong force, then we can stay on course
Find your direction through introspection
And for my people out there I got a question
Can we be the sole controllers of our fate?
Now who's gonna take the weight?


After dropping over forty pounds of useless fat, I figured that I would walk the walk that I promised my dearly departed friend that I'd do. I was in the process of saving myself by getting off of all of the drugs they had me on months after initially injuring myself. That shit was making me sicker and more dependent on them and others for me to live.

I kicked the drugs, went out and found a job here in Green Country and decided that when I reached maximum medical improvement, I would go where I am both liked and needed most and set up shop, using myself as an example of healing by nature of resistance to societal influence.

In that time, i lost a few friends along with the weight and chemical influence along the way.

I also blogged, texted, tweeted and facebooked myself through a very imbalanced stupor, meaning that I've been faking the funk to those I communicated with from about January to about May, speaking as if I was okay and was in my right mind.

I probably wasn't.


The weight of the world is heavy on my mind
So as my feelings unwind I find
That some try to be down just cuz it's trendy
Others fall victim to envy
But I'll take the road less travelled
So I can see all my hopes and my dreams unravel


1990 - Keith Elam Album: Step In The Arena - Chrysalis/EMI Records

I'm very sober now, The haze has dissipated and I know that I've been guided to make my choice in 'giving in' to my calling. That was easy. Placing all of the moving parts together and liking who likes me will be a bit harder seeing as I have to place myself into an undone, living puzzle.

And no, I have not chosen to evangelize...

Although I'd be very financially stable and have an army on hand to do my bidding...