Peace and Blessings in the name of the most high... I just had a load of time fall into my lap lately, and I have been feverishly working on the album and the poetry joint. I planned on vacationing in the next couple of weeks but I just had ton on inspiration hit me and I couldn't leave with new ideas and concepts on my mind. I was working on some joints for my "The Power of the Hand" project which is a culmination new ideas I had bridging the spoken word onto a harder track base ala Saul Williams, Zack De La Rocha, you know - them cats. I love the spoken word. I feel with all of the saturation of pop-ish, radio friendly tracks, and over crunked out songs (don't get it twisted, I luvs the crunk) that the lyrics themselves can get lost in translation. I'm a kid of the 70's and 80's. At that time the tracks that emcees dropped were fresh to def, but attention was especially paid to the lyrical content. Hip Hop was fresh and new, and we had to know what was being said, that era was so influential to future Mic controllers. During my time as an emcee trying to rock a record deal from 88 to 2000, I always made sure that clarity was a trait that I displayed, and even after my so called retirement from Mic rocking in 2000, I fell in love with performing using the power of the spoken word. Hip Hop never got away from me. The reaction and love given back when I was dropping phrases rather than rapping by some of my peers and extended family gave me more than the crowds that I got a chance to rock and the heads that nodded to The Underground Movement's joints MorninMan and me created back in the day. So now after me bowing to corporate America and MorninMan perfecting his craft starting a family and earning his stripes as a dope ass producer/DJ/studio conveyor, the Movement is being resurrected... I just can't drop just plain ol' beats and rhymes, we've grown. In our growth as men, in fatherhood, being family men, businessmen, beatmakers , rhymesayers & writers and our growth in the love of Hip Hop we just can't sit on the sidelines and let Hip Hop move without our contribution of some soulful shit.

Wouldya?

If you had a chance to escape corporate America, well... Would you?

Why would you go back, other than the obvious (money)?

Just wonderin'...

Forsaken...

The ones that are the closest to you are the ones that forsake
you. The saddest part is, they evict you when they are down, pick
you apart when you at your lowest and after all of that kick you
when you are down. I've come to expect that from my loved ones
now and it's a crying shame.

I won't call their names because they know who they are.

Mostly it's family members and people you share your soul with.

I thank you for kicking me and accusing me of falsehoods, it only
makes me stronger, but at the same time it also makes me trust
those I have not even met or have gotten to know even less.

God puts people in your life for a reason.

He also gives you obstacles there too. Your job and mine is to
overcome them. When you cannot, that's when it is time to reach
out to those that can understand and just let things take flight.
That is hard. No one will ever really get what they want until they
submit to the fact that they are not in control. God is. The day we
all realize that is the day we will all be free.

But for now in the same breath I wish I never either met, interacted
or was born into such toxic situations and am glad I got a chance
to experience the hardships of your lives and at least attempted to
be a part and share whatever was with mine. I've learned from
that. The sad part is that we never got a chance to share in the
triumph of overcoming. I looked forward to that. The good thing is
that the hatred and contempt had for me is not reflected in my
thoughts and feelings for any of you. Not that I'm better or have
overcome my problems, faults and flaws but I try to not pass
judgement because I am just as fucked up as the next person.

But you never saw that over your own flaws. And for that I thank
you.

Thanks for reminding me how much of an ass I am. Thanks for
letting me know every little thing I have ever done that made you
feel contempt in your heart. Thank you for pointing out my
shortcomings. Thanks for bringing up every dollar amount that I
either owe or have blown in an attempt to get my thang in order.
Thanks for telling me how much of a monster I am when it comes
to dealing with what did not belong to me: your feelings. Thanks
for letting me know that I did not qualify to even stand ground in
your square and that you had to stoop lower than you've done
before just to deal with me. I never knew I was gutter trash.
Thanks for not even giving thought to all of the deeds I have done
in an attempt to make life better for whomever. Thanks for letting
me know that I was never appreciated. Thanks for indicating to me
that I never had a shot to hold love in your heart. Now that I know
these things I will move forward in making my life better so the next
so called friend, girlfriend, brother and sister or parent won't
experience this.

Thanks for never calling me by my chosen name.

But in the same vain, thanks for being there. Thanks for giving.
Thank you for sharing and breaking bread with me. Thanks for the
shoulder. Thanks for the advice, loans and words of
encouragement when I needed them. Thanks for the prayers. I am
forever grateful.

Now that I have been forsaken, I hope I'm forgotten.

And I Thought I Was A Mess

Have you seen this piece of work?

Most of the time, I keep my place in "about to mode". You know what I mean, I was about to clean my house, but I didn't get time because (fill in the blanks here). Well, add R Kelly's place to the house cleaning list now, because he got some folks straight livid after the premier of the second installment of his "In The Closet" series.

So it seems in chapter two, Kels finds himself facing his mistress' man gun in hand. It seems that the woman's husband has a little secret to get out now that all of the cards are on the table. He asks Kelly if he knew he was a pastor, and R feels that since this guy is a reverend, they can talk this thing thru, but the rev has other things in mind. He picks up his cell and calls his booty call and asks them to turn around and come to the flat, he wants everybody to meet. Kels finds this pretty peculiar and threatens to shoot this guy if he doesn't tell him what his next move is, and the rev pleads that he should wait for his little surprise.

Kels isn't going for this, he feels threatened and begins a countdown before he snaps off and shoots his way out of the 5th floor apartment. As the woman pleads for her and her husband's life, the right reverend'd phone rings. It's his cheating partner in the lobby, he instructs them to take the stairs and get there quickly. As Kelly is counting down to one and the woman he just had sex with is pleading and screaming for her life the door opens... It's a man.

Damn.

Keep it on the down low indeed.

It looks like brother Robert needs a little housecleaning of his own.All of his trash continues to pile up and I think its making him a little sick. This ain't "Honey Love" or "Down Low" for that matter. This is some new and improved, sick shit (excuse my French). It seems after the debut of the first installment of this five parter radio stations across the country clammored to be the first to premier the second. It just so happened that the hometown radio outlet was the first to let the cat out of the bag, and the response was overwhelming. Overwhelmingly bad.

But I'll let you be the judge...

Who Informs Us of Us?

I was rumbling about, just wandering onto the black blogsphere when I was hit with the stark realization that we are ignored.

Most of the time, unless it matters.

To them.

Usually, unless we really want to trick off a little paper (or have the paper to trick off like that), inviting 600 guests to a srping wedding is not a common occurrence in these here parts. I definitely understand the concern that anyone would have if the wedding is either postponed or called off (back to the whole tricking off thing) because if it's that big, I would have certainly RSVP'd early and would be bringing the camcorders because there will be a sintilating story to tell..

I'm sure we all know about the young, pretty white girl that punked out (thanks Rashunda) and fled her own marriage shindig by now, but what about pretty black girls? I guess it takes a little tricking off for us to be relevant, or does Diddy have to throw another party? No offense to Fiddy, Flav or anyone else that the press runs to to get a story, but...

It burns my ass to know that the only time our sisters get that same press is when it feeds into the negative aspect that has been associated with our people for the span of our stay here in America. We know all about Kim, Foxy and their problems. We also know that the guv'ment raised the bar in getting help to extradite a "known notorious killer" (we got love for you, but we know you know that). But when a sister comes up missing, if it wasn't for the grass roots, we'd never know.

Why is it the ones that matter the most, the ones we should die to protect are the ones seen as expendable?

If it wasn't for MotherSister, we would have nothing.

Rashunda has a brilliant idea that I think the black blogsphere should take into consideration. I think we should be on the lookout for our own. It doesn't hurt me to say this, we need to rep for ourselves more than we do now. It's not a good feeling to know that some of our sister's stories fall to the background while the media pushes stories like ol' girl's little expedition to nowhere.
Damn, it's sad... That's why we gotta be the media for ourselves.

Any other way and it won't be covered.

I am amazed how much black death takes up our time. It seems to be the only
commodity that the 2-3 generations below me seem interested in. I also have
to mention my generation and the 2-3 generations in front of me because we
not only let this happen, we exploit it.

People step to me at the poetry spots and coffee houses and be like "Black,
why you still think that we not gon' get free man?" It's simple. Black death
sells. A lot. All the time. We buy into it, but we don't buy it but what's worse?

I think because we buy into the stereotype and hype, we perpetuate the
images of death and destruction that much further. Song lyrics are
incantation, repeat them enough and you'll believe you're gangsta' too. I
wonder about cats like Pos, Dave and Mase who make up De La Soul. I
wonder how they sleep at night knowing that the music they create is damn
near rejected by the music buying public, and it's probably the best form of
creative and original Hip Hop on the streets. It must be a hard grind. I don't
feel bad for them, De La has a core audience and those cats tour more than
regularly, and being 15 years deep in the game I'm sure they know how to
handle. If I wonder about the Soul, then I worry about Brand Nubian.

I have always been a fan, and I was buzzed when Clive Davis picked them up
on Arista 5 years ago. Since then, a badly promoted album (which was mad
nice) was the only Arista release. Along with Naughty By Nature and others,
Brand Nu got lost in the shuffle when Clive was forced out of the label he
founded. Lord Jamar, Sadat X and Grand Puba have done the indy thing and
has a current release out. I wish the world can hear it. Only a chosen few, the
ones the big marketing machines didn't get to will hear it. The ones that make
a free choice to hear real hip hop that doesn't capitalize on black death, we'll
hear it, might like or love it and carry on, but it won't sustain any positive
movement that Hip Hop desperately needs.

Don't think I forgot about images. I can talk about movies, but the selection of
good, wholesome "black" movies are either scarce or so convoluted or
mixed up that we get 3 movies in one sometimes (see "Diary of a Mad Black
Woman"). The straight to video selections are third rate at best and just linger
on the shelves at the neighborhood Blockbuster. Black folk still have to damn
near give a kidney to cop a good role in a good film that will make money
(except Will Smith). I watched Regina King celebrate the fact that she has a
co starring role in a move and she doesn't die and makes it to the end. Wow.

Now don't get it twisted, there is good black film and music out there. There is
also some damn good reading by authors other than myself. I wish it got the
same budget the 50 got, then we'd be even keel. I also try to swallow the fact
that our Christian, Muslim and Hebrew cousins keep distance from the Hip
Hop and Neo Soul crowds a lil' bit. I do not believe the there is a holier than
thou thing going on, I just believe that those in the church, synagogue and
temple feel that the violence, misogyny and angst found in mainstream media
these days know that these are just cries for help and those who seek him will
be with them shortly. No need to be in it if it causes you pain and distress.

Where are the "black" distributors? I see the Cash Money Millionaires with
some nice homes and rides, but doesn't duplication equipment with the
power to press millions of records cost the same or even less as a
Maybach? Is Dat Nigga Daz the only one? What about Shawn Ray
(outspoken black bodybuilder), Sean Combs (outspoken rap mogul), Wendy
Day (Rap Coalition) and others that are mouthpieces for us make the deals
we need to put the product on the shelves? What about the Internet and the
power of peer to peer? What about guys like Magic Johnson or Earl Graves
(who co ventured with Dave Mays and Benzino to keep "The Source"
magazine alive) and other big power brokers? Can we sit down and create
our own distributor network so that quality artists like K-Os can put out the
good ish? Still waiting for my Nicole Wray album to drop...

I refuse to believe that our ancestors built pyramids and pioneered biology
and medicine within a great and advanced civilization and we are no way
near where we were as far as being self sufficient. We are more powerful
than this.

As I approach another anniversary of birth, I really try to avoid those who
know about it. I hate birthdays and I do not wish that omen on others, say
that damned phrase or celebrate it myself. If you celebrate yours, then by all
means, enjoy yourself. Just keep that shit away from me. If I'm close to you,
I will respect your wishes, you can do your thing around me, just don't
expect me to wear a hat and help you blow out the candles...

For that reason (and others) I really keep to myself and don't hang out. I
figure that I can do bad all by myself, and I kind of like hanging out with just
me. I can betcha' I know more about me that you do. I seriously
disconnected a few years ago because I wanted to have all the
relationships I had to be just where I left them. Good. I watched people
feed into bullshit and garbage, I watched myself pull back further and
further because lack of communication was causing mistrust. I watched
and listened to my kinfolk complain about their lovers, partners and siblings,
who I was friend of too. And I heard it from the other side. I felt like
everything that was good was starting to crumble. Safe to say because of
my actions I watch my long term relationship crumble as well so all of my
interaction with friends, lovers and family began to become scarce.

I disconnected.


I I've been disconnected for quite some time now. I should say from the
physical, these days I just observe from afar. I do stay connected with
friends and relatives somewhat, it's just I'd rather stay home and chill than
be in the middle of something.I am not afraid of anything. Between life
threatening occurrences and disease, I surprise myself. I would have never
thought that I would have to experience a doctor telling me that I need
surgery to possible stay alive, so it ain't that. I think I know what is now. I
don't want to get hurt. Again. The reason I don't hang out or visit folks is
because I do not want to create or establish something with someone and
then have it either taken away or just eliminated due to lack of
communication, he say/she say, or the fact that I am just not liked for some
reason or another and I'm being patronized.

Something tells me to get back out there. Morning Man inspires me to write
and record, even though I haven't in about 5 years... We'll see if I'm ready
for that.

Who do you love?

Are you for sure?

How do you reverberate when it's given?

I have a small circle of friends. Some of the ones I'm closest with, we don't
hang out. But when my homies call...

I am amazed with how love is given. I found ways to really F up and
miscommunicate in the past. At one point, I thought that the giving of the
physical was the ultimate way to show love, but now that I approach mid life,
I know now that control of the physical, communication of the spiritual and
commitment of time are combinations of method that build and bind. I'm
glad I have people with clay and brick next to me that help me erect
massive towers of love.

I thank y'all... You know who you are.

Long ago in a galaxy far, far away I knew a schoolteacher. I was introduced
by her beau at the time and she was the spirit. As I was looking for a place
to park in the crowded neighborhood I felt God summoning me. I was
instructed to make a friend and keep ties. This person would be special. As
time grew, I watched her grow... So did her following, and we lost touch.
And then I lost touch with her now ex.

And when the year started I heard, I saw but I did not believe. And then I
got an email. It IS her! I did not want to believe but it was true. The platform
has already been set. The spirit and the truth is available in CD format. Find
it, cop that and feel what I felt years ago.

Lets talk about impure thoughts. Everyone has them, everybody struggles to not act
on them. Some of my 'best' impure thoughts drive me to write about them. Not all the
time, but for me, good ideas come from the lowest of the low. I'll try to make them
useful.

As I grow older, sex isn't as much of a thought driver as it used to be. For
some strange reason (not really strange, blame it on TV or something)
violence seems to plague my mind. I am not a violent person but I do have a
violent temper. I have placed that part of me in it's own special place... Any
angry tirade or temper tantrum is reserved for the person or persons that lay harm on
my loved ones. I have never had to snap off, I did in the past
because I didn't have control of my emotions - hell, I didn't understand them, so I just
reacted to whatever situation with all of the confusion and
misunderstanding that I harbored inside. I hurt people. I cannot do that
again. I will not do that again. The people closest to me are the most
important.

Now back to thought, recently I've been having major thoughts of my death. Now
check it, I do not want to kill myself, I just wonder about the
repercussions of suicide or something worse. I also think about the method,
time place and whether other folks would be around if it happened. Now all of
this was triggered after I watched the most recent Spike Lee joint "She Hate
Me". Critics panned this movie and said that it was very unwatchable, I
thought not. Other than "Girl 6", this was a serious dive into fantasy and
fiction but you know Spike, his social-political rant and personal opinion was
added and I thought it was refreshing. Scorcese and Tarantino do it all the
time, and don't get me started on Stanley Kubrick!!!

My thing is, this movie had a very serious influence on my thought process
for the last two weeks or so. Now I know that TV, videos and songs that folks are
singing these days are very demeaning, but I thought based on my
beliefs and upbringing that I would never be influenced by any of these
things. The movie plot was simple... Corporate greed leads to lies and
deceit. The board of a small, but up and coming blue chip corporation are developing a
drug that will curb the spread of the HIV virus and the stock has already gone public
and split. Now of course, the drug isn't ready for public consumption and the FDA
rejected the drug but the company lies to the public and says all systems go for a
global product release which causes a surge in stock value. The chief scientist has been
keeping a video journal of the corporate lies, gives it to the central character in the flick
and commits suicide. This is how the movie starts. Now this isn't what the movie is
about, but it is one hell of a subplot.

I notice that Shelton Benjamin Lee leads the viewer into the subplot before
he reveals the main, and this is necessary to the viewer who would want to
submerge themselves into the story. Spike's joints always have a plethora of
supporting characters in order to add authenticity, such as it is in reality. To
know that Hollywood puts films out where the lead never visits or calls his
grandmother is farce. Never mind the impossible that already happens in
American film.

OK, so I ventured off onto a tangent, it happens. I felt compelled to explain
my reasoning seeing as I am a film whore as well as all things gadget. I
meant to go into detail about how media influences us, and how our inner
most thoughts are based off of them. I never had an inkling to take my own
life... I never had the thought of giving up so easily like a coward. Although I
could use that winning lottery ticket like the next person, my struggles are
small potatoes compared to the next guy. Something after seeing this
particular flick compelled me to delve into unknown thoughts of death and
repercussions. I don't want to die, but the events that occurred after a
central figure to the movie's plot committed suicide were too powerful for me to
ignore, causing me to wonder about my family and small circle of friends.

I don't have many.
Do I need more?
What about my family... Would they care enough to "do something" on my
behalf?
Have I done enough with my life to feel satisfied about all that I've
accomplished?
Have I turned that corner... Do I know where the corner is?
How will my death affect my family, my friends, the world?
What must I do RIGHT NOW to feel that I have worth and accomplishment,
and will I know it when I see it?

You see what happened there? A movie, a piece of media influenced me to
the point that I thought very deeply about my mortal existence. I thought
about my death and what happens afterwards more in the past two weeks
than I ever have in my life, which made me question the influence of hip hop
even more. What triggered my mind to concentrate about death so much?
The suicide scene only played once, I didn't rewind or re-view the frames to
watch it again. It just stuck there so I wonder... How does a child process that
bitch/nigga/gangsta/materialism bullshit that most major record labels push down our
throats in mainstream America? How does a young brother or sister differentiate
between a woman and a bitch ass hoe? How does a sister find the balance of wanting a
responsible brother that will show respect and take care of home from some ballin' ass
nigga that'll kick her down with the dollars he won't trick off?

The reality of these lyrics aren't really real. Hip Hop's mainstream representation is
farce, it's been that way for quite some time now, and it a'int stopping until it can no
longer be sold. What happens to our precious culture after that is a good question,
because we think we know the answer, but nobody's saying. Words indeed have the
power of life and death, and incantation is how we program the mind to do or not to
do.

How much longer will you let your 3 year old niece back that thing up and think it's
cute that she knows the lyrics to whatever misoginistic cut is on the radio right now?
How much longer will sisters ask where the good men are and then lose thier damn
minds when "Soldier" plays cause' "that's thier song"? How many of my sisters will
continue to be bitches and get absolutely no respect due to hip hop conditioning?

How can hip hop thrive when hip hop is sick and not getting better?
How much longer must I wait to see the culture thrive in our hands?
When will we take it back, or will we let the music get rode out like jazz?
The influence is great, when will the spiritual platform get off the ground?
Where is the candidate representing hip hop on the major political tickets?
A Rap Consortium needs to be established (and I just created that, give me credit), we
need a more powerful hip hop think tank.
I will no longer let something I support and believe in and be ran up in like some
hoodrat.

Uncomfortable silence....

For the past two weeks, that's what it has been. I've missed posting, but
from food poisoning, eye problems and family tragedies, uncomfortable silence has been the standard and the norm for me.

I haven't communicated with friends and family, I injured myself and have been affected by other's actions...

I'm horny, and I haven't acted... I'm being tested...

Black history month is a sham, and I wish "we" could do something about it.

I'm disappointed and kind of depressed about nothing and everything in
general. My job sucks and my friends are busy... But I love the air I breathe and I am so grateful just to be here right now.

I miss Nicque and 'Tisha, haven't talked to them either.

I have had fun though. I did get in some quality time. I am in love with a
Cruzan. Tim Duncan for MVP!!!

But, I still remain silent. My life is weird right now.

My new job search has ended.

I only drink wine now, and I think it's too much sometimes...

A family member committed a crime, I think about his
freedom lost and appreciate mine

Those thoughts weren't serious... But when you're depressed, you DO
think about it.

I wonder what my beloved aunt would be doing right now... It's
been 5 months since her passing... a piece of me is gone and can't come back.

Do you think Hip Hop will come back?

What would have happened if G Dub WASN'T President? You must admit, the right choice was made at this point. Every man should allowed to clean up his mess.

I hope Jamie Foxx doesn't pull a Cuba Gooding Jr. Sunday. I don't know,
that statue is a mutha focker. It's like crack... It'll make you do things.

I'm laying in my bed right now typing this on my laptop... Loading my iPod with stuff, ignoring folks calling the celly... This is probably why I'm single. Too nerdy.


Tam gon' rock I'll next week... You'll see!

I wish... I had... More time

Peace and Blessings in the name of the most high...

I took a week off, but not by design. I didn't get a chance to work out,
didn't get a chance to blog to my site, I did work on my business plan but that was about it.

My Brother and sister in law gave birth to twins last Monday, from there,
the course of events that guided the wee was set from there. It seems
that everything I did last week was tied into either family, friends or duty
towards them. I am still tired, didn't get much sleep due to running to the
four corners of the earth, other than that, this week I cleanse, so it should be a fun read for you.

Thursday: Deep Tissue Massage
Colonic
Friday: Left eye lasik surgery
Sensory deprivation float
Saturday: Police department Exam (whatever!!!)
Baby Shower for the twins (it's still on)
Farewell party for my girl Ruthie
Sunday: Catching wrestling PPV with my dad

It seems that my time is something that no longer belongs to me
anymore. I am in the middle of plotting and strategizing to bring the good ish, and that seems to take up a lot of life space. I will get a chance to cleanse and get rubbed down later this week.

A three day workweek... Good ish.

I wanna open up to y'all... So I added a chat room and discussion board.
A lot of y'all have been speaking to me, some I haven't heard from in quite
some time. It's nice to know that The Creator has blessed you with health
and prosperity. I do have one wish, I wish that we can cross lines so the
forums emanate from there. Plus there is a podcast coming in a few where game will be chopped and topics will be covered that matter to those that exist in the same realm I do.

I was recently asked by coworkers who my favorite superhero was. I
really didn't think about it much, the answer came right out. My younger
brother. Now I do have an older brother, and he was definitely in the
running, but after further review, the former beat out the latter by a hair.

I sit back and watch this cat, and it's amazing how he (and my older
brother) does what his thing. He's a college student, husband, father of
three (him and my sister in law just had twins 02/07/2005) and has the
nerve to still be on the humble while providing and guiding life as well as
adding a little satisfaction to wifey (twins? Damn!!!)

I can actually recall my brother from day one. I remember my mom telling my older brother and I that she was pregnant (again!) and that four would be a good whole number (actually five, but my older sis was called home early and we were blessed by my aunt, but that's another story) and we ran with it. I remember him running and not walking his first steps, and him having to get entirely undressed just to use the bathroom.
He's always been independent of the others in a way that I really cannot
explain, where I am distant and come around only when I want to be
bothered, Lil Bruh' is always involved in family matters, but still is given the time to think and reflect alone, he is indeed a thinker.

I remember him and my litter sister becoming close, you can't separate
the two to this day! They protected each other in ways only a sibling can
do. You see, they grew up in a time different that I did, and I was either a
teenager doing my thang or an adult trying to establish said things, so I
was a big brother. I mention that because right before Lil' Bruh and sis
started to come of age, my parents split and fending for self was very
necessary. You see, I grew up with a father. If I needed guidance or to
relate to something, pops was there. As many ass whippings I got, I'm
glad he was there to set me straight. It didn't hit me that they were
without until I was overseas and unable to do anything about it. So I
came home.

When I got back from the military, I made sure that the foot was put
down. When it came to showing Lil Bruh and sis what not to do, I made it
clear. I realized that they were watching me with intense scrutiny, and I
had to make sure that an example was set on what a black man was to be. They kept me on point. I could not be seen as a failure in their eyes. My dad at that time was coming back from his drug problem, and my mom was working 16 to 20 hours a day. I would not have my kinfolk out on those streets. It would have broken my heart to have seen either one of them fail, and back in the day, my older brother was "assigned" my sister, Lil Bruh was mine.

When my girl and I hung out, my brother was there. When we made
those field trips that couples make, he was there. When he wasn't hanging out with us, he was involved either with church activities (him and my sister perfected this puppet ministry show and had a successful run) or with other members of the family. Much respect goes out to my Uncle Ed, who was a major role model for not just my brother but my cousins as well. He showed the boys in the family that a black man could achieve whatever through faith, hard work and respect. That and other things seemed to work.

Bruh had a hard time accepting the fact that pops couldn't make the time
due to working on self. My dad had to re-find himself, so for a little bit of
time (you know which years, the formulative teen ones), there was little
contact. Pops had beaten the habit, but being a black man in America,
starting from zero at his age was difficult to say the least, and it wasn't like we were all there for him at times. Just being honest... But he overcame. My brother saw this and had to respect and acknowledge it. We all bridged that gap with pops and I think it set the wheels in motion for my brother being a dad and a leader.

I watched him go thru the changes. I watched the struggle to stay off the
corner. I watched him go thru relationships. He handled himself better
than I did in those matters. Hell, I'm 34 and still without wife (by choice,
of course), that is based on choice. I watched him make the choice to
become husband. I did not know that he had it in him. I knew he was
ready, but he never showed doubt. That was faith, and he stepped out on
it. So far, so good. In his mind, he had already taken care of business
when it came to marriage and family because he had the examples right in front of him. My brother was working on hero status years ago.

Lil Bruh would call and ask questions after he got married. I could not
answer, he already knew so I had (still have to) play Morpheus to his Neo. He is the one, but he has to just believe in it and let go. Last Monday, I saw the look of fatigue and terror in his eyes, after his sons made it to this realm, I saw relief, but the fear was still there. It's supposed to be. I would be terrified too. 3 boys. 1 job. 1 wife. 2 years. I already see some of his thought. I already see some of the plan. Them boys gon' be alright because he already has taken care of them. His faith is working.

I enjoy him explaining his thought process, I majored in electrical
engineering, and so did he. He flexes his mathematical skills (yeah, twins) and damn near over analyzes almost everything to a fault. This is good, because as a young black man in America with a family, you gotta have survival down to a science. He maps, just like me (although I map more than dude in A Brilliant Mind - bothers folks) and his follow thru is certain. Now that he has kids, he really cannot fail. I watched this dude just jump in and hustle for that change, Bruh' is serious about his paper. He actually comes with an idea, goes somewhere to plot it out, speaks on it and jumps right in with the revised plan. I'm more cautious. I admire his bravery in taking risks, especially with a family.

One thing I especially like is his spirituality. Dude will not budge or
compromise his beliefs. This is my grandmother and my dad. The thought of my dad and how/what he believes damn near brings me to tears. Lil Bruh' sometimes questions his faith, and there were times where overstanding does not balance the under, but he knew that God will only give you what you must have and take things away with blunt swiftness. After seeing that look in his eyes Monday at the hospital, I know that his sons, my nephews are destined for greatness. This cat has the blessing of handing down all of the knowledge from parallel sides of two great black families. The balance has been handed to him. I think my role as advisor has officially ended. It is my brother a decade younger who I will now ask. Now there are things that he has yet to experience, but one must let a man travel his own path, so I step back.

In the words of our enlightened wayberarers, I greet you - Hotep!!!

What is your Life's Blueprint?

Note: Six months before he was assassinated, King spoke to a group of students at
Barratt Junior High School in Philadelphia on October 26, 1967.

I want to ask you a question, and that is: What is your life's Blueprint?

Whenever a building is constructed, you usually have an architect who draws a
blueprint, and that blueprint serves as the pattern, as the guide, and a building is
not well erected without a good, solid blueprint.

Now each of you is in the process of building the structure of your lives, and the
question is whether you have a proper, a solid and a sound blueprint.

I want to suggest some of the things that should begin your life's blueprint. Number
one, in your life's blueprint, should be a deep belief in your own dignity, your worth
and your own somebodiness. Don't allow anybody to make you feel that you're
nobody. Always feel that you count. Always feel that you have worth, and always
feel that your life has ultimate significance.

Secondly, in your life's blueprint you must have as the basic principle the
determination to achieve excellence in your various fields of endeavor. You're going
to be deciding as the days, as the years unfold what you will do in life-- what your
life's work will be. Set out to do it well.

And I say to you, my young friends, doors are opening to you - doors of
opportunities that were not open to your mothers and your fathers-- and the great
challenge facing you is to be ready to face these doors as they open.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, the great essayist, said in a lecture in 1871, "If a man can
write a better book or preach a better sermon or make a better mousetrap than his
neighbor, even if he builds his house in the woods, the world will make a beaten
path to his door."

This hasn't always been true-- but it will become increasingly true, and so I would
urge you to study hard, to burn the midnight oil; I would say to you, don't drop
out of school. I understand all the sociological reasons, but I urge you that in spite
of your economic plight, in spite of the situation that you're forced to live in-- stay
in school.

And when you discover what you will be in your life, set out to do it as if God
Almighty called you at this particular moment in history to do it. Don't just set out
to do a good job. Set out to do such a good job that the living, the dead or the
unborn couldn't do it any better.

If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted
pictures, sweep streets like Beethoven composed music, sweep streets like
Leontyne Price sings before the Metropolitan Opera. Sweep streets like Shakespeare
wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will have
to pause and say: Here lived a great street sweeper who swept his job well. If you
can't be a pine at the top of the hill, be a shrub in the valley. Be be the best little
shrub on the side of the hill.

Be a bush if you can't be a tree. If you can't be a highway, just be a trail. If you
can't be a sun, be a star. For it isn't by size that you win or fail. Be the best of
whatever you are.

I lifted that from the estate of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Designing a blueprint is simple. What I noticed is that getting the funding, finding
good laborers and obtaining reliable material to build is the difficult part. I found a
way to create a working budget, eliminate folks skimming off of my life's payroll and
have come with a working design that astounds even me. The hardest part is
feeling the need to go back and redesign something that was already approved in
said blueprint.

Sometimes I wanna go back and do things over. Not to impress or to relieve pain (I
think that's necessary for me to grow), but it was something that made me want to
live in that moment at that time. Whether it was the person, surroundings or
situation, sometimes I want to go there, but it is impossible to go back, so I reflect. I
remember smells, sounds and the feelings that I either shared or experienced. Feels
good sometimes, but then... WHAM!!! Reality sets back in and I see why I had to
abandon that previous design. I have never seen myself as a perfect person, hell at
one time I never even thought of myself. I just did things that I thought pleased
people, whoever they were.

I realize now why I felt unfulfilled and decided to do something about it. I rejoice in
the fact that I had the strength to act on my pain. It hurts that I have to hurt
those that don't understand. It also feels empty sometimes because some of them
folks were at my right hand. Now I stand alone. When alone becomes lonely due to
me cleaning house, I call on Him. I am provided with activity, good thought and the
voices of those no longer here to scold or guide me. I never knew how powerful it
was to stand in the presence of my Grandmother. I can still hear her! Freaks me out
sometimes, but she keeps me out of jams when my mind replays stuff I remember
her saying back in the day.

When I shop or am out alone spending money, I swear my Granddad is making
sure I don't get hustled because he was a hustler. I know that they're not voices in
the literal sense but I have thought, I comprehend it and it guides me away from
things/people/situations that can harm me. My decision making process is based on
my upbringing and surroundings, and even if your intentions are good, that portion
of my life may prevent you from getting close to me. This tells me that I must be
special.

God would never allow me be harmed if I choose his path. So far my actions have
kept me out of trouble. That doesn't mean that I won't encounter rough seas in the
future, but I know now that where I'm going feels right based on what or who I do.
That's not a typo. I've encountered the right people in my life at the wrong times.
Most of my relationships have been that way, but I learned from them.

Right now I choose to establish things that will help and not hurt. I know who my
biological daddy is, but I never chose to approach him seeing as he has never
approached me. My step dad loved my mother so much that he chose my brother
and I when he chose her. This man is my father and that's all I know. When my
mother remarried, the man that is she chose to spend her life with after him I
consider my stepfather. They both are God fearing, knowledgeable men that
became daddy and continue to shape my life. For that, I chose to ignore the so
called sperm donor. I realize now that this is not who he is, and I must get to know
this man as well.

Sometimes God will provide someone that will jump start your car battery when
you are stranded in the middle of a deserted area. This is what this man did for my
mom when they got together. He was sent to provide life and nothing else. I think
he did a great job (I mean, I am a handsome cat with loving friends and family... I
have accomplished some things) Now is my time to compliment him on doing just
that. Part of my design is to make sure all of the sub architects are re numerated
and appreciated for their work. I gotta go find George W. (his real name) and
intercede like the Lord has inspired me to.

When coming up with a blueprint, we must research. I gotta first find out why G
Dub (what I call him - Son of a Bush!) never felt like contacting me. 35 years and we
only spoke to each other a week before I graduated from the eighth grade. For
some reason I got mad and was never curious, but now, I am more about
completion than just wondering about the man who gave me my DNA. I wanna
connect because this is my design. Like Neo in "The Matrix", part of my design is to
go back to the source.

Have you ever met someone that you cannot
have? Have you ever felt someone that you
knew felt you back, but the whole scenario feels
like something from Erykah's "Next Lifetime"
video? This was my Saturday night. My super
bowl eve was spent in a place where I never
intended to meet someone I would feel.

Of course I would like to explore possibilities.
Of course I was stunned and amazed. Of course
I feel like building something after, you know.
Time is crucial and of the essence. It's the one
thing we don't get back... I try not to let past lives
affect my present and/or future. I have no hang
ups, but sometimes folks interpret my education
from the past as me living in them. An ex told
me "I don't do ex's" I agree. That's why they're
ex's, right?

There is a hurdle. Yes, there is a restriction. I
might not get the time I want to explore said
possibilities, and there might be a chance to do
just that but I must be patient. If not, I have
accepted things that I cannot have, but the
picture embedded in my mind has me thinking...
Hard.

Damn!

Did I mention that I was stunned?

My passion for change is only outweighed by the pain I feel by the actions I take to make it
possible. I have made many changes in my life, but most until recently were not for the
better. I forgot God in most cases, and that has set me back.

Not in the sense of success or anything worldly, I have made good on many attempts to
acquire what the world deems good, I'm talking about what fills my soul and sets me free
from society, and that influenced me to make changes for the betterment of the world. Not
betterment of a corporation that is un loyal to you but requires you to remain loyal to them
in all aspects, not betterment of people that love you in your face, but despise you behind
your back or betterment of those that love you but know not how to deal with you or know
what place to put you. Not even betterment of those that merchant garbage to you, filling
your body and home with things that take more than give comfort to you. I speak about
betterment of the spirit. How many of you that read this are truly happy within? I wasn't,
so I made change.

Change hurts, not because it moves from the familiar to unfamiliar, it hurts because you
must remove yourself from those that support you in your attempt to die in misery. See,
there are those that love you beyond doubt, but are so afraid to tell you the truth from
fear or being rebuked and rejected that they will lie to you to keep you miserably happy.
Misery loves company, and you are only as valuable as those that you keep in your immediate
circle. Now I'm not saying that these folk are miserable in a bad sense, but if you are fat,
and your loved one never tells you because he/she feels that you are comfortable in your
fatness, and it would hurt your feelings to tell you about the extra weight, then they are
hurting you more than they are helping. I have learned that God first + sound body + sound
mind = fulfilled. You cannot function correctly if you are not sound.

Now you can always get a divorce, or walkaway from a long term relationship, but what does
that solve? Maybe that person or those people want to assist with your change, you have to
investigate. Find out. If they don't then do what you must. Sometimes people love you more
than you can love yourself, so they will never hurt you. But in that sense, if you never get
your wakeup call, you will be forever sleep. I was sleepwalking, and I had people around me
that would not nudge me. I could not wake up! I literally tossed and turned in front of my
beloved, but fear of change, the unknown or success prevented them from slapping me in the
back of the head. But The Creator called me and gave me the ability to have one eye open. I
saw myself in the mirror, and I didn't like what I saw. So I changed. Drastically,
dramatically and immediately. It hurt people. It hurt me.

I stopped hanging out with some of my guys. I stopped going out with my girlfriend. I
stopped visiting toxic family members. I started a process to change jobs. I stopped siting
on my couch, vegging out on sporting events. I didn't want to because this was so familiar,
and it is still difficult to not do those things, but I think... Damn that, I know that God has
a greater purpose for me to serve and I had to go towards that. Ending relationships,
quitting jobs and involving myself with things that were just damn corny to me back in the
day is very difficult to do. Everybody has something to say. I can see the lips moving, trust
me I can.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to love me. I now know my purpose. I have been
given talent, and I must use it to say His name in as many instances I can to glorify it so
that those who cannot hear can have understanding. This is my job, and I have run with it. If
I have hurt you, I apologize. I just felt that you could not run with me, not because you
weren't worthy, but because I chose to run this leg of the race alone. In an attempt to
prepare myself, I realized that I have a lot of work to do on self, and this is the part of
the movie where the scientist locks himself in the laboratory, fixated on perfecting his
creation. I have done this and I ask not to be disturbed.

I believe that one day, I will be able to look on those I walked away from and not feel pain,
unfortunately today is not that day. I have a lot of me that I need to work on and I hope
that you see that this is not selfishness, but an attempt to make myself whole. This is my
letter to you. Read this and know that I fast for cleansing. That I still pray for you. That
I think of good things and not bad when your names enter my thoughts. I am aware of you
and hope that God blesses you with all that is kind and good. I am aware that I can no longer
live the way I have.

Awareness + Direction + Change = Results

Right now, God has anointed me to become an intercessor.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When
I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

This is that effort. Pray for me as I will for you all.

In the name of the Most High, I welcome you. Come on in
kinfolk, let me rant to you if you'll listen:

28 days.

It's the time one takes to rehabilitate themselves when admitted
in a clinic to wane themselves mentally and physically from a
controlled substance. Rehab. It's what I need to do. Cleanse my
soul by cleansing my body. I'm going to rehab y'all.

Guess what? February has 28 days, and I plan on fasting. Each
day. One at a time. I'll probably need a lot of colon cleanse
powder.

And water.

Damn Fist, why the harshness? Why you doing that? Why don't
you just eat clean and pray fam? Well, if I am living to glorify
His name thru my actions, then the temple needs to be cleansed.
My body. Lymph nodes need cleaning to increase metabolism and
train of thought. Colon needs a blowout to rid my body of sitting
dis-ease. Blood needs oxygenation to lower blood pressure and
regulate sugars. Mind needs to be cleared of BS... enough of
that, you get the point.

I do plan on journaling my experience, my last fast was back in
98', hard thing to stick with. I'm a little older, and all of my
closest doubters are gone out of my life. I have the support of
those who worship with me and I know now that I'm older that
this is what I must do. Change is good, but it does have a price
though, I will miss chocolate and red meat, but I'll live longer
after doing this, God willing.

I'm already freaking out a little, from what the Queen teaches,
I will violently react to not getting the junk... the cigars, junk
food, red meat and pork (yeah, I said it). All of the diet soda I
ingest on a weekly basis that's left in my gut will riot and
demand company. The parasites and other evil microrganisms
that feed into my weak heart and the dairy that has been sitting
inside of me, causing high ass blood sugars will make me evil for
about 3-4 days, so expect me to snap the hell off in this space
week after next.

My diet will consist of water, raw vegetables, oats, tuna and
salmon (2-3 days in the week). That's it Water, veggies and the
occasional fish. Wholesale changes are needed for me to survive,
and I will make them. No surface BS, just mind, body and sprit.
Actions and not just these words. I'm look foward to this only
because I am not alone. I will let y'all know what's going on and
rant and plead for my sanity, which should be good reading for
all you meat eating bastards (already started, just kidding)!!!

With a new job, new enviornment and new values this should be
fun, somewhat. I will grow stronger, and this is only step one.
Oh yeah, to celebrate the fast, I posted one of my songs and
dropped some poetry on ya... see, already stronger. I wasn't
going to share but my I know better.

How far are you willing to get free? Are you willing to sacrifice
the known for the unknown? Well, we'll see. Other than
becoming an iPod whore as of recent, Blackfist sacrificed all that
he knew (well, most of it) to gain his freedom.

You see, I lived a toxic life, and it began to eat at my soul. My
art is my life, and my writings and photos (which I'm still
struggling to share here for fear of embarrassment) I felt
defined me. It doesn't. What defines me is me. What my
beliefs are is irrelevant to what I become because people believe
different things and are successful. Remember success without
fulfillment is failure. But I still must have faith. Some people
exist without it, they are empty. I can't function that way.

Successful anything without fulfillment is total failure, so I
ended relationships, gave weeks notice at my current job and
gave up vices not in the hopes of getting better, but in the
actions of being who I am. I tire of musts and should'ves... I
must pay bills, I should've done this. Those excuses are
controlled by fear, so I dropped fear. I claimed a hight paying,
more fulfilling job related to me reaching my goals in exposing my
art to the masses, I work out with more regularity and changed
the way I care for my temple and I now stand alone. I do not
have me to give right now, I have me to build, and that is not
fair to me or anyone else. Nuff said.

In order to shed the toxic life, one has to detox. It's not easy to go
this route because doubt, fear and haterism from others will present
themselves as obstacles along the way. I realize this, so each morning I
take an hour not to affirm or reaffirm, but to first be thankful for all
that has happened to get me here and to plot, strategize and put that
into action RIGHT NOW. And I do it while my body is in motion and thru
prayer, incantation and recital ALOUD while working out. To unplug from
the matrix, one has to deprogram, the incantation is repeating the plan
over and over, no happy thoughts or BS like that.... phrases like: "God
has blessed me with this life, no person, obstacle or situation will stop
me from establishing by businesses thru my art and talent. I cannot fail
at life because risk without loss is natural. I learn from my triumphs and
mistakes and apply everything for the betterment and glorification of the
lord. I will treat myself and others as I want to be received. I have no
fear of anything because God has by back."

I repeat this aloud throughout my entire workout after taking 30
minutes or so immediately after waking up and stretching and reflecting
on how yesterday was so beautiful. My plans and strategies are fresh in
my head, and now after working both my mind, body and spirit nothing
can distract me from achieving my goals. Even if it is to make it to the
end of the day, I will. I walk with the Creator and no one else. What
people say or do has never mattered. I surround myself now only with
those that can reverberate what I'm willing to give, and that meant
that there were people that I loved that had to go. No offense to you,
the love is still there but it is from a distance. I will not have hindrance
from my progression thru mistrust, lack of respect or deceit, even from
loved ones. That was hard, but necessary. Believe me, the blessings pour
in, even for those I choose not to deal with any more.

And this is just Tuesday...

Imagine what Wednesday brings!

Hotep...

Acknowledge the problem. This is the first step to resolution, so I'll
admit that I have a problem...

I am an iPod whore.

There, I said it. The little white box with the matching headphones is
the digital equivalent to crack...

digicrack

Now, getting an iPod is almost like buying a car. The damn thing is quite
expensive for what it does, can't really justify buying the top of the line
model so you go economy. I got the 20 gig. The 40 is not too much, but
scary. No one should have that much space for music storage. I must say
that the thingee has a calender, contact list and picture storage as well
as a clock/alarm feature... all of the things crackwhores need out on the
stroll to make them successful. This obviously was duly noted to be
added to the pod' by the "crack staff" at Apple Labs, thus the
versatility of the module.

At first I had buyer's remorse, but know that as soon as you take the
damn thing out of the box, YOU WILL SCRATCH IT!!!, so refunds are
rare. Exchanges, maybe. After you put the buds in, it's over. Yours
forever. You become symbiont with a handheld hard drive with a screen
and an earphone jack. Make time to support your digicrack habit, it'll
consume you.

I currently have over 400 of my cuts (minus albums) on this thing, and
there is room for 4600 more... I'm scared. I cannot function without
those special little earbuds attached to my head, cramming
Parliment/Funkadelic, Nas, Omar, Nina Simone and King Pleasure in my
head during workout time and work hours. I'm sure you've seen my
"tuning out" thing below, I gotta change that ish... It is tru that I tune
out my co-workers so I won't have to talk to them. Folks are cool,
but... I'd rather not make a friend at work. Just my preference, that's
all.

The premise is that I should have a top ten list. Each day, due to the
amount of songs that this wonderful creation can hold should afford me a
top ten list each day of the week thanks to playlist creation. And, since
I complain a lot and am never in a good mood, I should have a top ten list
in accordance on how I feel that moment... There, THAT will replace
the "tune out" spot found below this post.

I noticed that most of my free time (which I don't have a lot of) is
spent for the betterment and glorification of music appreciation thru the
easy firewire transfer of my digicrack machine. I am never finished,
never satisfied. I must add more music. I need to add my entire musical
collection to the digicrack module. I am also in love with the shuffle, and
after my close to the edit cold turkey adventure at the gym yesterday,
I almost lost my precious portable player in a big, bad Ballys elliptical
machine. iPod shuffle y'all at the gym, don't procrastinate, support your
digicrack habit properly and buy the lil one for working out. You'll be glad
you did.

This mini machine can bitch the toughest, ass whipping rootin' tootin son
of a gun. Trust me. Some of the hardest nigga's I know got a whole lot
of Patti Labelle stored on the iPod, and I ain't gon' even trick off on the
cat that has the entire PM Dawn catalogue in a folder titled "memories",
not my job. I do have a ton of R&B stored and I am not ashamed either.
Prince takes up about 30% of the drive with anything Bernie
Worrell/George Clinton/Bootsy Collins coming in second at about 15%.
Anything Dre is third @ 7-10%. With the other 50% of the precincts
reporting, Nas, Rakim, D'Angelo, the Tony's (Wiggins fam) PE, BDP,
Juice Crew and... B-I-G G-I-E aka B.I.G. Get it, Biggie! I got to
shout Phyllis Hyman and Amel Larrieux (reminds me of an ex). I also got
the obligatory Issac Hayes/Barry White/Luther Van/Babyface/Bryan
McKnight/O'Jays/Kool and the Gang/Ohio Players/The Deele/The
Time/New Edition/Levert/Guy/Troop/Jodeci/Boyz II Men/Public
Announcemt/Kels soopagroovalistic playa-playa section with all the booty
music one can stand. That's a must.

Oh yeah, I forgot... Outkast gets the special treatment.

See what I mean!!! This mp3 player phenomenon is very addictive, forcing
you to pledge allegiance to your favorite artists. What I found is one
cannot live without some sort of musical accompaniment, and the creators
of these digicrack devices have honed in on this. One thing, @ $.99 a
pop you will help blowuptuate evil empire #2 in its efforts to get
everyone hooked on their latest drug. Now I can only help you to a point,
so there. Subscription based services only give you access to millions of
songs but once that either ends or is not renewed... POOF! Songs are
gone. The best thing I can tell you is to either borrow against the 401k,
do a little OT or sell a quarter O, cause' digicrack budgets are more
than most cat's cocaine habits. Start with your personal collection first,
then use my helplink above to add to that. Use the
iTunes/Napster/Rhapsody to first get the oldies and oddulars you can't
find around the way, then. Go used!

Until then... rehab is not an option.

Peace and blessings...

Fam, what the fock, man? How do you do it? As I'm sitting here tripping on
D'Angelo, I wonder how some of you put it on the line everyday and not snap the
f off at coworkers, friends and family.

I just wish things could be simple as hell. People, places and things over
complicate thangs, and that is a very depressing thing sometimes, so I pray. I
hold on as much as I can, but sometimes life kicks you square in the ass and
there is no stopping it. Now I'm not speaking about what I told y'all yesterday...
that, my friends is already handled: Protected by the red, the black and the green
(Hint: Pops, Junior and Spooky), with a key (ankh).

I go to work with the intentions of just working, I get there and there's a ton of
bullshit, most of it with my name all over it. I ask to be alone with my thoughts,
cause I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit, but people who love me and
know I'm flaky keep popping up and still ask me questions they know the answers
to. The rent is due (dammit, I'm speaking metaphorically!!!) and I've never been
late, so why are you here with your hand open calling yourself collecting?
Somehow, it always gets paid.

If life is a test, this is my midterm exam. I am being bombarded with questions that
have multiple answers, and my pencil eraser is on supa-low. Damn. The time you
need that big ass rubber eraser you're always caught with your pants down, but
not any more.

You see, this post is dedicated to all of the bad shit. The shit that eats at you,
that shit that holds you down, the shit that causes you to step in it so it can get in
the crevice of your shoe sole and stink all damn day. I see the shit and I am
stepping over it. I will not get shit on my shoes,and if I do, I will promptly clean
those martha fockers so the feces can't spread. For a minute, the shit almost had
me. That's why I carry baby wipes.

The Creator is also in the shit too. He wants to know if you're faithful. Needs to
know if you're loyal. The Creator already knows, but sometimes you bullshit
yourself, thus causing unnecessary bullshit.

Now check this out:

I wrote the stuff above early Jan 17, right? So I talk to my current love interest
and guess what? You got it... Bullshit. Now I promised that I would never reveal
anything about our relationship, so all I can say is this: I can do bad by myself. I
know I complain a lot, but I am thankful that I complain. Thing is... As much As I
complain, I do not worry, don't have to. I will not go on the faith thing right now
you heard that speech...

My faith and my love for folks have always been in question. The answer, Creator
first, everything follows after that. I never answered to anyone, and that's
probably why my ass is single. I have shared personal shit with you blog readers
that I never shared with my friends, cause I know they'll never read this, and to
date they haven't. So much for support.

I guess what I'm saying is, I never asked to be loved, and my love has always
been based on trust, so how can I trust anyone nevertheless love someone
(hard) that has already placed judgement on me, and I have remained non partial
when it came to bullshit. You see, BS happens and like I wrote above, step over
it. So here's a shout to all of my ex's: Haven't spoke to y'all in a minute, would be
nice to hear from ya'... I know that at least one of y'all know that blackisms exists,
so if you're reading this... call a brother... Oh snap, I forgot... my phone numbers
have changed, so email a nigga... according to my most recent ex, I've been back
on the ho stroll for quite some time!!!

It's funny because I chose celibacy in this phase in my life. Sex brings bullshit...
and for some reason, although I fell like I'll explode any moment now, I have been
bullshit free relationship wise for over a month now. It is indeed the tie that binds
souls... now if I can find the antidote and undo what I've done...

I really believe that making love cannot be done outside of marriage. I have been
convinced by recent actions. I loved, but love means nothing without deep
commitment in the eyes of the Lord. Anything outside of that is a lie. I have to
admit that I have lived a lie. Damn! It does hurt, because your intention is not to
destroy, but build. But, building does come at a price, relationships done without
spirituality are meaningless. I just got out of one to prove that point. God Bless...
He's out there, he's just not me.

Hotep brothers and sisters:

Peace and blessings in the name of the most high...

So I took a break, so what? Well, I did get a chance to read all of your
email. I also got a chance to catch up on some sleep too. I feel a little
refreshed, but I do have something to share with you. It took me a
while to put this together for more than one reason, but the main
ingredient is here for you to ingest.

People ask me all the time: "Are you healthy? How's the weight? What
the hell is that you're eating and is it what you're supposed to be
munching on?" I get it all the time. You see, i'm diabetic, and what I put
in my body is gravely important, especially after what I recently learned.

A couple of Thursdays ago, I got a checkup. Everything was fine, until I
got a phone call recently and found that the results of my optical exams
were not as good as I thought. I lost a little of my eyesight. Now I did
not say that I am going blind, or in 6 months I will be like Ray Charles
or something, but there is some blurriness and what I like to call
un-sharpness due to the optic nerves being so small, and at one point
hardening of the arteries due to my diabetes.

The stress is there because the optic nerve is the smallest vessel that
blood travels through, and when sugars are high, it restricts flow,
causing blurriness. Don't get it twisted, I manage my blood sugars to the
point where I have almost lost jobs (in private, away from my crew or
workroom floor, so sometimes i'm missing in action), and my 6 month
check (called the A1C for those counting) was at an all time low (very
good to excellent). That does not mean that I am out of danger.
Diabetes is the number one cause of blindness in adults 25-40.

Diabetic retinopathy happens to all diabetics sometime in their life. It is
a result of being diabetic over time. It happens to both healthy and
unhealthy diabetics. Time is a major factor for all. Either you are
affected and treat it, or you're not.

So I adjust. More carotene, B12 and vitamin A. More fasting and
prayer. More continuous control over my blood sugars. More testing every
6 months and more awareness about this problem, because I am not the
only one. We detected a very treatable result of retinopathy in its early
stages. Nearly half of all diabetics develop this before 40, not too far
off for me.

I'll try my best to continue to blog. I will continue to take photos, y'all
just gon' have to work with me, there are a lot of things I must learn to
adjust to. Untreated retinopathy causes blindness, so, if you can read
this and you're a member in my club, check your sugars, get off your ass
and get them pupils dialated and checked out! I'm gon' be aiight, what
about you?

Van glorious....
Peace and blessings in the name of the most high!
I am soooo glad this so-called holiday nonsense in over. I really do not
like that time of year, and all of the fronting done by those looking to
receive some sort of gift is utterly ridiculous. I think I graced a mall
with my presence once or twice, and that was just to get close to
someone, hang out and chill, and that backfired.

I am glad that some of you find blackisms palatable, I am also glad that
I have haters out there, you keep me on my toes and keep me in
constant thought. Now i'm not saying that the people that have sent me
bad email or comments drive me to either do or not do something, what I
am saying is that I am my own worst critic and to have someone right
there with me is really a show of support, so thanks. Now I don’t have
to say it. You can... and keep it coming!

I urge you to know that blackisms is not for you. Yes, you. It is also not
for me either. I have already been forgiven for my sins, so this is not a
forum for apologies. I chose to write about my life events just because.
Maybe someone other than you can learn from my missteps and not be
me. The world would be a better place if it had less "me" in it. Too much
Hassan is not a good thing... and another thing, don't EVER call me
Hans. That was so yesterday.

I try not to acknowledge the perpetual Roman calendar outside of
respecting other people's use of it, and of course business purposes. I am
not keen on the so-called new year. I see this time we have here as
just time. There is a lot of it, and it does not stop for you, so do
whatever. Just do. I am trying to do, and because I have renounced my
concept of time, this helps me work at my "what" (you do remember the
what don't you?) and I am surprised at my progress. I have a long way
to go before I can call myself whole. I am right in the middle with my
fight to become a man and my questions regarding the Creator and what
He has left for us grow now that more simplistic ones have been
answered.

I feel that my quest to know will take me from Chicago. I love this place
and hate it in the same breath. I wish I could stay forever and I can't
wait to leave at the same time. Back in the day, I traveled to a couple
of places (just a couple) in Europe, and do not wish to go there. A couple
of years ago, my ex's Mother went to Ghana, and was a changed woman
when she came back. A trip to the Motherland!!! Now that is van glorious!
I feel not that I have to go to Afrika to create a link with my cousins,
but I must travel Babylon to connect with my siblings. I must connect
with the so-called 12% and the only way I know how is to be where
you be.

When I can, I will come to where you are and take photos to show the
rest of the fam how you're living. I will also set up a journal and
chronicle my travels and how I was treated. When time permits, I will
transcribe some of my most innermost blackisms and convert them to
mp3 and hide them somewhere on the site. Easter eggs if you will. I will
be adding my photo albums from travels and events covered. I will try to
be current. I will try to answer email. The only thing I cannot let go at
the moment are my writings. That, you'll have to buy. How will the plane
tickets get paid for?

I am also politicking with the brothers and sisters that still make
traveling and fellowship worthwhile. My faith gives me more clarity, so
mosques, synagogue and temple will be visited in an effort to learn what
makes us tick and what makes us keep the money in the family. There is
a commonality and an extreme difference in "what" that we do, and I
want to get to know y'all, seeing as we all have opinions but they are
based on how we came up.

I will keep my posts enjoyable. Understand that they are posts, and not
cryptic messages as some have suggested. I have no problem getting at
the folks I need to get to. I am very appreciative by the emails and
posts in the guestbook. Know that it will go away soon and will be
replaced with a chat forum. DJ Morning Man from mixtapemobile.com will
be providing the sounds that blackisms desperately needs, and the poetry
that has been asked for will be provided in mp3 form. I do have
recordings from some of my performances. Enjoy, this stuff never
belonged to me in the first place.