Blogging While Black version 4.0

Monday, December 20, 2004

And so I try to carry on like everything is okay. I am a chameleon today,
attempting to blend in with whatever. During conversations at a Christmas
party, I am lonely in conversation. No disrespect with those I met today, but I
wanna learn from them on how they got free if it applies. I went out and broke
bread with the closest of you today and still felt out of place. I shared time
with the person I feel is the closest, the holder of the blackisms emotion tool.
I felt distant and I tried to get closer. Did you feel me? I hope so.

Letting go of habit is hard. I can't do this, can't say that, don't go there...
DAMN! I'm sorry, just going through withdrawal or something. I just want to
be free. I want to come and go in this life, do my duty (whatever that is) and
be with those that make my time worthwhile (whoever they are), but I have no
clue on how to get closer to myself. That's the key, knowing myself.
A long time ago I fell in love. I knew that this sister would have my children
and share my home. I knew that her family would be mine, and my family hers.
I left for the military and stayed in touch. She left for college and also
stayed in touch. We knew that summer loves and long distance relationships
would not last, but we tried. Something happened.

When I got out of the service, sistergirl was still in school. I waited and my
reward was her. We were both so different. She had goals that were not
mine, and mine were not hers, but we tried anyway. Something happened still.
Eventually we shacked and never addressed the issue of the change that
happened inside of us. We never acknowledged that deep inside, our desire was
probably to go in separate directions and do whatever it was that made us feel
whole at that time, but it never happened. It started in 89', restarted in 93'
and from 96 to 2000 we made a home built on complacency and mistrust. It did
not last.

In may of 2000 I had a breakdown. Now this sister had been thru the shit
with me, and she had vowed to not leave my side, for that I am still grateful.
I was in love in her, but I noticed she began to withdraw, she was starting to
see the change in me. I wanted the best for us but I realized... There is no
God, no trust, no common goal. There was no union in our relationship.

We built a relationship without counseling from an elder. At the time I was
unwilling to take leadership because I thought I knew best for MYSELF. The
longer we stayed with each other, the more anger and resentment I felt from
her, I knew I had to pull the plug because at that time the both of us were
complacent on being where we were because life was on automatic and we didn't
want or know how to actually establish a relationship with anyone else.

I ended the relationship, but not really, It was already over. One warm night
in May of 2000, my ex and I was in the car with our two closest friends.I got
light headed. I could no longer drive or think rationally. I got an MRI a week
earlier because I thought something was wrong with my head. Headaches,
blackouts and weight loss lead me to believe that I was probably sick but I
wasn't. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I knew the she no
longer deserved or wanted me. I was miserable. I had a horrible job and living
situation, was suicidal but in love with her and confused.

That night I lost control of the wheel but was able to stop the car. My friends
panicked and exited the vehicle, my ex got out too, but I attempted to grab
her and ask for help. Her head hit the car as I did just that. My friends
thought I hit her, they immediately started yelling, even shoving and hitting
me. That convinced her to go. I was crazy and I would probably hurt her. Good
excuse, but no. I was sick of being incapable of leading someone that had faith
in me and not God and I spazzed. I was being punished. She left me that night
and only returned to gather necessities a couple of days later. We have only
spoken 3-4 times since that time, and the last conversation ended with my
apology. God knew that our relationship would not last without him, and at that
time our faith was shaken.

I kept having blackouts until September of 2000. I blacked out at the wheel
of the car my ex and I bought. The car left the road and landed into a ditch.
I had to be pulled from the vehicle. I was blessed cause' I never knew the two
cats who helped me. The vehicle exploded due to the fuel line detaching (not
movie style, only the tires silly!) and I witnessed all of my possessions burn
with the car from the back of an ambulance. Good. My new start after that
day included life with no blackouts, but my problems were far from finished.
God spared me. He saved me. He saved her from me. He blessed us both but I
still loved her, but at that point I had to let go. I did not think I could survive
without her, but I have and she's okay too. I should have learned to let go and
be free then, but i'm hardheaded, and that's another story...