I remember having a good season this past fall. I never played 'Momentinlife' so much on my iPod. The feeling of relief that overcame me as I travelled and went about my work was unusual. I never had to worry about the bullshit associated with getting to know folks in starting a relationship. And then...
Of course with this being spring and me not having contact with this person (wow, things happen in just a season they say) it is safe to say that I have been let down once again. That's my story so far in my life. Idea, execution, experience and then... Breakdown. The faith that I put in folks, jobs, movements and such and the amount of self I reveal to have done that is an amazing thing. I have learned to not trust or believe in things based on that straw. The camel's back had been broken so long ago but I wanted to be stronger and step out on faith. I thought that faith would sustain me, but no. It's not the heartbreak because we get over people who we're not supposed to be there in the first place or places we're not supposed to be, it's the trust and faith we put in it.
Those people, places and things really don't exist, and I have learned that the hard way, and I'm cool with it. I know that I must work hard at making safe haven and things comfortable for self and not depend on others or other things to make that possible.
I am so sorry that I ever trusted all of that bullshit in the first place. It shows my weakness, so I focus on my art and of course my plan B which has nothing to do with recording music, traveling or performing. If I plan on having tangible things to pass on other than shit I wrote I have to recognize the sacrifice and move torwards that.
That's why I'm willing to give up everything right now.
I hate the fact that I'll make it to my so-called birthday with nothing to show for it. I've worked so hard to at least have a legacy of some sort that people would think about when remembering me after I leave here. To be frank, I don't even have that, so I must work to provide something that can be used in come capacity by someone just like me.
alone
bored
unchallenged
unmotivated
tired
spiritually detatched
I am not depressed or angry nor am I completely happy. Who is, really? I just realize that now that I am in the next 35 years (Creator willing) that they cannot be like the first 35. Fact is, I might not make it that far, so my time is limited. There are physical and genetic challenges that I must overcome to make it to 70 and frankly speaking, most overweight, diabetic brothers with one real knee and 25% 'other' bodyparts that have received replacement or repair usually get past the halfway point but not much farther.
That's right, I have reached the halfway point, and I must now work even harder to get by in every aspect. I am so blessed to have the breath to have made it this far, but now it gets serious.
Expect me to get less introspective and more active in manifesting a lot of weird shit (to you) from this point forward.
I'm working against time now. It'll get interestingly better from this point. Watch me, will ya?
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
The next 35
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12 comments:
don't fret, luv. this is a part of your process (i don't even know why i'm saying this as if you don't already know). your next moves will be more significant than the past ones.
Try being two months from turning forty!!
To Hassan,
Age 40 not 35
The age of 40, is the age of maturity in life and age 40 is the age of spiritual maturity also. So you are not 40 years old yet Hassan, but in your 30s (age 30 to 39). This is the time you set up your life goals that you want to pursue when you turn age 40.
Age 40 is the age of maturity for a man and a woman. Because at 40 you have life experiences both positive and negative under your belt and at age 40 you are more spiritually mature also. Never consider you life to be failure before age 40 this is incorrect. What you do in your 30 (30 to 39) will determine what you usually will pursue career wise etc when you turn age 40. Then at age 60 if you have not accomplished anything that you wanted or have not accomplished something. Then you maybe able to say you are a failure. Because from 40 to 60 that is the accomplishing phase.
Hassan, you are in your 30s and your 30s are the creating phase (ideas, opinions, careers, future planning, etc) you got 5 more years hassan.
The number 40 represent probation and testing. You are tested from age 21 to 39 by life with all the positive and negative things you have encountered and created for your self at experienced at the hands of others.
I will see YOU Hassan at age 40!
BY Chance
To Hassan,
Number 40 represents probation (testing period) and test or testing
Jesus tested in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights
Flood of Noah it rained 40 days and 40 nights
Forty years
Forty years
The number 40 is a very familiar one in the Bible. In the story of Noah and the flood, it rains 40 days and 40 nights (Gn 7:4,12,17; 8:6). After the sealing of the covenant at Mt. Sinai, Moses is with God on the mountain for 40 days and 40 nights (Ex 24:18). When the prophet Elijah is being pursued by Queen Jezebel, he flees for his life and travels 40 days and nights until he comes to the mountain of God at Horeb (Sinai) (1 Kgs 19:8). The number appears also in the New Testament. Jesus is tempted in the desert for 40 days and nights; his ascension to heaven occurs 40 days after the Resurrection (Acts 1:3).
In the passage at the start of this section, the Israelites are encamped in the southern desert, within easy reach of the Promised Land. Scouts go ahead to survey the land, which they do for 40 days (Nm 13:25). They bring a glowing report of the land, but also note that some of the inhabitants are large and imposing. Despite the urgings of Joshua and Caleb, the people are afraid to go up into the land. Their refusal is a serious failure of faith in Yahweh's promise to give them the land. As a punishment, the people are to wander for 40 years, one year for each day the scouts were gone.
You are not 40 years old Hassan so you are not a failure.
Your being tested Hassan see you at 40
By Chance
To Hassan,
Age 40 and perfection.
Like I said at my Intellectual mad-house (blog) perfection is a state of becoming.
Hassan said: It's a process and it ain't a quick one either.
Chance: Hassan you nailed it right on the head too. With that response, that it takes a long time to reach perfection.
Chance: Pefection is a state of constant becoming and you are still becoming Hassan, you are only in your 30s you have your whole lifetime ahead of you.
By Chance
I like your writing and thinking...
You have your mind...:)
Bruh...
I'm glad you ended this passage on a lighter note. Alot of times I see people getting depressed about getting older and while doing that, sell themselves short. You say you don't have nuthin to show for the 1st half of ya life? I beg to differ. The small time I spent at ya sis' house showed me that you are a brother/son/friend who's held in a high reguard. (BTW, the scene was real cool. It was good being able to hang out & holla atcha folks for the first time in a minute). And it goes without saying that the experiences (good and bad) is what makes us who we are. Strength speaks for itself ya dig...and tho you may not acknowledge it, those that know you can see it. You have always been one of the deepest cats I know and you are also someone whom has defied the odds...hell, in my mind, a soon to be 35 year old brotha reared in Englewood during the 80's still walking around on his own two is a friggin miracle!!!Now, as far as leaving a tangible legacy, let's lay these tracks and SHOCK THE WORLD!!!
Oh yea...don't forget...Pete Rock tomorrow @ Sonotheque 9pm. You are on the list, but get there early to ensure entry into the club!!
Wish I could go...
There must be something about turning 35 that makes people weird out, because I'll be 35 in less than a month, and I am going through some SERIOUS changes, right now. I feel so much like you do, it's scary.
Nikki: I know darling... in due time, you'll see. No, I'm serious, you will.
Pammie: I'll pray for you... Just pray back. Recycle black prayer.
Chance: I wish you knew what I knew. I'm not freaking out over the next 35, I know that I most likely don't have another 35 to go, so I plan on doing what I feel is right for this moment. I worry not of all those other things that far out as far as time is concerned, I just don't plan on suffering and falling for the banana in the tail pipe thingee the next set like I did the first half of my life.
Stillwalker: Thank you. I like your style too. You make me giggle like a schoolgirl.
Dee Dee: That's all I have hun IS my mind... I'm trying to leave here with more than that. Why? Cause'Dirty loves the kids!
Al: I didn't mean to start things on a low note, just how I feel right now (plus all them other days). I am not angry, remorseful or depressed over my age or getting older, but I am a little bummed that I don't have much to show for all of the shit I've gone thru... I should have done some things different and that irks me. As far as family and friends are concerned, most of them were paid to say nice things about me... Thanks man, sometime you don't know until someone says it. I can't see what others see and it's hard to take their word over my own. Oh, and I'm still shocked that we both (and others) made it out of Englewood, and at one point, I was a part of the problem. Dig that. I already RSVP'd when I got your email, but I did pass the word to some of the brothers... See you there.
Nsane in the membrane: (and I take credit for the new title) You're always invited... You have a permanent backstage pass... Make sure to use it at the end of May when we go see your sisters.
Rosalind: I wish I can sit you down and read posts from years past(damn, I've been blogging for more than 2 years now!) and read some of my old stuff. I'm always too self critical because I am never satisfied with me. I know I can eek more out of my broken down body and underused mind. I ain't freaking, I'm just being normal. It was Tuesday, and that's my excuse for writing what I did. Just had some shit on my mind. But I am going thru some serious change, this is true.
To Hassan,
I feel Ya BRUH!
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