Still...

For someone that crafts unbelievably long posts, I recently haven't had much to say. I could go in depth on how it's been hard to adjust to being in a constant state of loss and how everybody around you have empathy but still expect something from you like expressing empathy is either very temporary in nature or that the word and actions related to it don't really exist. It's very hard to not want to snap off and call someone real close to you a stank-ass fucker either because it feels good to say that or it probably fits the situation at the time. I have a litany of narrative descriptives that I can spout out at others, but it's not appropriate at this moment. Dammit, I need to be in that moment, that will be fun. My demeanor says "Everything at the moment is fine hoss, no need to rangle the chowbell, let the cowboys rest, but I do feel a storm a brewin. And that's bad for the horses", but reality knows that it's difficult giving everybody the emotional and spiritual support they're used to receding when you don't have any to give to yourself. That is a serious problem. Right now, I am as drained as a used tube of toothpaste one forgot to throw away, just laying on the rim of the sink crumpled right next to that unused soap dish. Damn pumpable antibacterial soap... eff you man, I like bar soap he's cool. Plus he be lookin funny when gets them little hairs on him, but I digress... You have to squeeze and contort me in certain positions just to get a little glob of something out, and that might not be enough to attack that plaque.

But I still fight gingivitis and bad breath, so there.

I see everyone right now from family, friends to coworkers just standing in a line with their hands out waiting for me to give them a piece of me that has obviously died on April 14. My life has changed significantly since then and in that short span of time from then to now it wasn't losing someone that did it, it was more or less the actions of my kinfolk leading up to the now that has sparked change in me.



We must continue to adapt in order to be well and function seamlessly with the world even in the midst of chaos, or we will surely fail.
-Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo



I try to not be selfish, but I'm always thinking of others and how I can best serve in their time of need. I always volunteer my services to help smooth that thang out. I am always there supporting everyone in their endeavors. I'm a cheerleading social worker with motivational speaking tendencies and a decent bank account, and I get called to put in work. A lot. I am appreciated for being all of those different people to them and those and I appreciate that the appriciate. I am also known as the guy to call whenever the jumpoff... Well, jumps off. I guess asking for time off to do things for myself is not the standard or the norm that everyone else believes should apply to me.

Sheesh.

From funerals to bail money, from heartbreak and getting left with the kids to stupid ass ex-boyfriends doing destructive dumb shit, I am always there. From providing favors that no other brother in the frat will touch to being audited and being broke as hell once again falling short of that car payment... Even suicide attempts and providing airfare/busfare to get you to wherever your dream is... You guessed it, I am there.

Always.

I never pass judgement and never questioned your steelo, all I ask is that I get the same treatment in just letting me be at least for a quick minute. I need to refresh and rebuild my inner strengths so I can continue being me.

Needy people. Are Kryptonite.

I ain't saying that I will no longer be there. Hell, I love being there, but I have given so much of myself that I need a break from all of those I love, even my momma because y'all are taxin' me. I love all y'all stank asses

(my momma don't stink - she smells Beautiful, literally. That was soooo blatant, but we seem to get her something new out of that product line each Mid may. MadeaDay2006 Wait... I buy refills in October, February... Hell, Ma Dukes stays laced and rightfully so. Even when we weren't speaking, she was smelling... Beautiful.) but I really need to get away from y'all for a minute to get the vital pieces of me back so I can survive.

It's 1998 all over again. I opened up Billboard and saw nothing but hardcore acts dominating the rap charts. The Gavin Report was buzzing about the new playlists up north that looked like what CMJ was citing as a new revolution in reality music in tunes from the south. Percy Miller dominated SoundScan with guerilla marketing tactics that happened within the CD cases. I also noticed that Napster was the main source of downloading garbage that had nothing to do with beats, rhymes and life. It was a horrible January, and I had confirmed it within my heart that even though Biggie and Pac were long dead, a bunch of kids that never listened to that kind of music or actually attempted to interpret the lyrics, or even knew the bodies of work from these cats for that matter would be jockeying for that spot. Hell, even Jay-Z, Nas and the whole entire south was hustling to get to that position. The beats got softer and softer. The samples got more and more familiar (remember the fit the nation threw when Chill Rob G and SNAP! had used the same damn sample? What happened to that? Standards, man. Standards.). The stories as Common put it on his 1998 opus 'One Day It'll All Make Sense' "always tellings sad stories and getting high" and I began to distance myself from my one true love. Oh, and hip hop too. I needed a break from her that I never got, and probably made the biggest mistake I could have ever made in my life. I walked. In 2000, I left them both, just standing there. I became another person in an attempt to adapt and deal and that other persona dictated that I should be alone and away from what made my happy at that time because it was just so overwhelming to deal with.

I should have taken a vacation.

But then I'd be married, and she wouldn't matter so much.