Harder than hard

How much harder must I love?
How much more do I have to show?
Am I ever to get my due?
Thoughts come hard as hell when thinking of you

Times before, me getting open
in the presence of you
made my head hurt
I tried to internalize these thoughts and made excuses to myself
in order to execute an exercise in staying

but that would be my great mistake.

I thought you to be the glue that would make this thing stick
instead you repelled me
not by words or deeds

but

you moved my knight
three steps down and two steps over
making it difficult to get back at you
and then you requested my touch

You wanted it hard
asked for it from all directions
but from your own hand
questioned if I could really love hard

when it was obvious

that me standing there in front of you
was the hardest thing I could ever do

So you spoke in soft tones
singing into the wind
making requests I'll never honor
because it was too hard to hear you

so I hung on your unspoken diatribe and I fell hard
then you said that I wasn't your kind of hard

loud enough for me to hear
like I was hard of hearing
and slung me in some emotional waste receptacle with a
very hard overhand yank
the stench of trash soaked into my skin
built up for damn near half a decade
took a hard scrubbing to remove

You defiled me yet still wanted me to give it to you hard
with broad, slow strokes
so that you would remember
as much as you would savor

You know not how hard it is to dangle from your own string

I made a hard decision
leaving is never hard when you never came
and if you would have gotten it any harder than what I gave
releasing me would have been the hardest thing you would have
ever had to do

cause I fuck hard

But I love harder
causing hard decisions and hard times for your mind to differentiate
forcing hardships on those that find it hard to love my name
yet remained silent when called to rep for said nomenclature
because enunciating is hard to do in the presence of others
breaking up ain't hard to do when protocol has never been broken

see, you never allowed me to penetrate
because you believed times to be hard
and you remained conservative

at the one time I was liberal enough
to spread the wealth
you vetoed my stimulus package
when

You should have called my name
and confided in me how hard is was
to see me walk away
but pride is a hard thing
and speaking my truths into existence
is a hard thing for you to do.

Dammit, life is hard
fending yourself from the harsh realities of life is harder
but what's the hardest thing?

Finding out how hard it is to do things yourself

Because I love so hard
things could have been much easier
and you never would have had to ask yourself
how hard things could have been

If you ever really knew how hard it was
to just stand in front of you

2009 - Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo