At What Cost?

Change...

But at what cost?

At the beginning of the year, I had no clue that I... We would be where we are geographically, but we are here. I planned on doing some work to enhance the office space in our home and was really looking forward to popping over to US Cellular Field (home of the 2006 Word Champion Chicago White Sox - Cub fans can kick rocks!) more than a few times to see ballgames, enjoying the newness of my recently gentrified neighborhood.

I also thought that whatever it was that was holding my marriage together would become more solvent over time.

I was wrong.

After purging the records and saw that our spending was out of control and realizing that this was closely related to our relationship not being under control, I decided to take action. I had a plan. It seems that now my plan might be sabotaged by change.

Change on address.
Change of mind.
Change of opinion.
Change in direction.
Change in focus.

And no change of the status quo.

I was reading LadyLee's blog post yesterday dealing with settling and not making the adjustment based on what you want. It is a given that you'll never get what you want in life some of the time, others you might get too much of what you want, and that might be a bad thing. I struggled to comment after reading that post, the Oldgirl went on and reminded those that read regularly and really put the dooski wooski on anyone just stopping by for the first time about how she just went with the flow with dude for 5 years not getting much of what she wanted in a man but out of familiarity she stayed the course, eventually marrying this cat.

Damn.

Was the market that damn bad or was staying put that damn stable (in bullshit, mind you) that she felt the need to stay in it for that damn long? That made me ask myself if my marriage is anywhere near that status. Now mind you, when she realized that her future would be worse than what her present was handing to her, she gathered the courage, strength and wherewithal to get up and walk away. Far, far away.

So after waiting all day to pick my other half up from the airport I suggested that she read this post because I really wanted to ask her if she felt as if she settled.

I asked.

She answered.

Regardless of how she answered and what she said, I wish I never asked because now I know the truth. It doesn't even matter what she said in her reply to my initial question, all I know is that change needs to come sooner than later, but at what cost? I mean, I did what I did a few weeks ago to save my marriage and look at opportunities that would benefit both of us.

But sometimes unleashing extreme measures to solve one problem can open one's self up to a myriad of other problems.

It just doesn't seem to stop.

I guess I'm the only one around here that realizes that we only have one shot at this thing called life on this plane of existence. I'm only running into a few others that actually realize that there is no redo, especially if one takes a holding pattern to make the important decisions in life.

That's why things are the way they are.

There are those that know that they only have that one shot and do whatever it takes to make life worth it, there are others that continue to question their own situation, doing nothing to solve their problems and those that seem lost in life and end up drowning in it, making life a wasted resource awarded by The Creator to the absolute wrong person.

Sometimes it takes lessons learned, the exploration of learned behavior and then acting to correct the crooked shit in order to make things the way it's supposed to be. I'm gradually finding out which one of those persons I am by self realization and who I purported to be by others with little or no additional thought given to what makes me who I am.

Living among anger and confusion will only make you angry and confused, distracting you from what you were really put here to do, leaving your imprint with no impact.

I'm starting to relate with that last statement.