March (pt II)

Peace and blessings...

It's been busy on this side of the bandwidth blast. Work, local travel and more work. I've been adjusting to sleeping limited hours, and my body is starting to let me know it doesn't really appreciate the lack of snoozing...


I've set a schedule (somewhat) of preproduction sessions to finalize the recordings that will the make the spoken word joint. I'm trying my best to make sure I got some items to take on the road with me when I hit it next month. I'm still a little afraid of what will happen when I get out there, people have different tastes and I'm sure expectations will be different as well, seeing as I'm not familiar. Whatever. It's either this or real work, and I've had my fill of that.

I've made the decision to travel to Ghana and volunteer my services. I know that I have a project going on and I should be focusing on creating soulful shit, moving units and endearing myself to folks here in the US by utilizing my God given talent, and I am by removing myself from all of the things that I both hold dearly and distance myself from. I am spoiled. I overconsume. I take people, products and things for granted. I am an American. I am not ashamed, but I do need self check.

I need to make myself useful. I do not feel useful or wanted for that matter over here with my own. As much as I've tried to make myself useful either I've been bored to death working in this mindless matrix that is corporate, disappointed in someone or have disappointed someone in either my actions or way of doing things and never truly gelling causing more distance as opposed to getting closer or done things and completed projects that have gone unnoticed, and the work put in never really went appreciated. No one saw it, an I really, really put work in too.

There are so many of us that take all of this shit for granted, and I am one of them. I posted a comment on my Blogger blog a day or so ago :

"Africa, slavery, post civil war struggle, segregation, the black power movement, Reganomics, the crack era and now the digital divide/struggle affects and touches us to the point that we need to cry, shout, worship, love, fight and fuss about it. That comes out in my music because all of that touches me and I can't keep quiet about it."

How in the hell am I supposed to get out, travel and speak on shit I know nothing about? How can I fix my mouth to talk about struggle if I am not a part of it? How can I see struggle if I'm clocking $46,700 (approximate 2006 salary, minus revenue related to mixtapes, poetry CDs, side hustles and any future personal apperances - and I do that for damn near free) a year, living all nice and shit , with my fossil fuel burning German engineered automobile, cable TV, satellite radio, and wardrobe including corporate attire as well as wardrobe items designed for casual affairs and street credibility. Oh yeah, the sporting events too. I am a whore. I've been pimped by comglomorates and companies big and small, and my attention has been turned away from my people here struggling to get what I got and my cousins there, endlessly stripped of the resources that will get them what I have.

This is unacceptable.

I gotta let this shit go.

I know that I might just sell a few CDs, move a few books and grace a stage and actually have people pay to watch me do my thing in the future based on my writing and speaking talents but you must know one thing. At this point I feel that don't deserve that. I need to be humbled and made useful. I need to be in place, experiencing the things I speak before I can speak of them. I do spend a lot of time trying to get at the minds of the youngn's here in Chicago, and it's a hard sell because they can actually tune me out and get by on minium standards (which is okay to many) which is luxury overseas where our cousins suffer.

We ain't suffering over here, trust me. As long as there is a 99 cent menu we can get by. As long as the hustle inspires instead of repelling, we will be aiight. Physically. We are mentally dead as a people and a generation, so I must go to the source and awaken, learn, live and be in the midst of what is real struggle and make myself useful in capacity to combat it, teach and learn. I gotta bring the real hustle back home and write and speak about that so that I (and we) can have a better understanding of how one must truly apply the principles of Ma'at.

That means I'm giving up everything.

Fuck that car...
And the nice digs...
And them new Jordans...
The suits and sweaters...

Fuck. Your. Couch. Nigga. (my shit is seude - fuck that couch!)


I gotta leave this place to find my place. Some of you have already told me loud and clear that my place is not here. I tried to fight and shout that I could be effective here, but my voice went raspy. Y'all could never hear me anydamnway. I may not yet know my true purpose, but I know what my mission is now. I know why things are not the way they're supposed to be, and that's because I have never struggled. I talked a lot of shit about revolution from high off the hill when I never intended to fight. And now I suffer because I have no bounty from battle, so I am rich only in bullshit and the spoils of blood money gained from the hands of the soldiers that died so that I could have the high speed internet access that I use as I type this on this customed-ass Mac. Spoiled me. I have no real purpose and can't give anything to anyone but fodder and can't be heard because my voice means nothing unless I have true purpose and definition.

Redefinition

I plan on doing something about that. I need funds to pay for my travels and stay overseas. I don't know how long I need to be where I need to be, but I betcha I'll figure that shit out real soon. Money saved and kept after billpaying, the CD project and appearances in the near future will finance my travels. I do plan on coming back and giving what I learned. Shame, I gotta leave the hood fo sho' in order to find out what I need to give to it. So many others are doing so much to save us, I just wanna find what I can give that is equal and unique.

This is my purpsose right now to find that.

March

I haven't heard from my handler (she's my agent, but I feel like she controls the horizontal and the vertical) in over a week. I get a call at work and I'm flabbergasted. I have less than a month to put together a promo kit that will be duplicated and sent out. I thought I had time to do this, but I guess she knows what she's doing. I do pay this woman to look out for my best interests and help put me on the map. I needed a manager/publicist to help me keep my shit together. I was told that I had at least 3 or so months to put together my concepts, musical arrangements and organized thoughts (on paper) so if someone came a knockin I would have 'a package' to offer. She told me wrong. The weather is warmer, travel prices are right and certain venues are ready to have me. One thing. I haven't had the chance to finalize thought, arrange musical pieces to my liking and get my album/lit concepts together.


Something happened.
something always happens.


January: I got dumped and wallowed in my own shit a little too long. I involved myself with some unsavory characters, lied about how I got my money (dealing with the unsavory characters - not illegal, but might as well been) and a friend got shot in the process of picking up "our" money. I lost touch with the woman I was dating, lost my road dog and ended up starting 2006 off on the wrong foot. Alone. I did make good with my guy, but once again I was alone (relationshipwise) and felt like my main source of inspiration (her) was gone. I was wrong. January was supposed to be January, and when your library book is due, you go to either go and re-check an old favorite or replace the old with the new.

I actually did both.


February: A close-personal got burned out of their home and I opened mine. I've had a hard time writing and collecting thought since then. Mentally, it has been tough, I have somewhat taken on a few burdens that January or my entire past for that matter didn't give me. I spend a lot of time working and traveling which totally jacks up my creative process, but the hunger is still there. I scheduled preproduction sessions to lay down constructs in order to get the material laid and eventually recorded. I have some stuff I did in Florida and some stuff I did at home and I hope it gels with the new stuff we're laying down. I also hired a friend who has worked as a publicist and we plotted a guerilla marketing strategy to get my product out to the public. I haven't had a chance to really get down to brass tax because I'm dealing with other situations. I was asked if it would be best for me to relocate, I thought it would , I didn't want to run into the woman I was dating, my family or those unsavory characters, so I started applying for straight jobs abroad to support me as I manage the change from average working stiff to somewhat full time artist. I'm ready to get at it so hard right now.

I am so ready to travel right now. I worked torwards this point where I could shed corporate America and branch out and live off of my own talents. I pray and meditate so I can manifest a beautiful and brilliant March, fellowshipping with new bandmates, smoothing out my travel plans and working with a woman that I have the utmost respect for in a musical capacity (other capacities too). We shared so much in the past, but we've never worked together composing. I haven't even approached her as of yet. It was suggested that we create and then bring her unfinished works and let her critique so that's what I wanna do. I hope that the past can indeed be the past and I get that opportunity to witness and partake in the genius that is her talent. We'll see. I know that Al can compose and direct, I pray that The Creator touches his mind, ears and hands to produce and engineer great writing, preproduction and post prod sessions.

After what I expect to be grueling studio sessions, mental anguish over assembling my press kits and travel related to promo'ing myself and product, a vacation will be in order. Depending on whether or not I have a travel mate (that's up to her), Ghana is the destination for late summer/early fall this year. There has been talk about it recently, and I finally got my money situation straightened out, even though it netted me one lost friend and me being dateless... What the hell, not my loss, right? Here's to hoping March actually pans out to being a good month and I hope I can get some stuff done. I'm still scared of getting rejected on the road. But I'm going anyway.

Epiphany...

Oh shit!




I think I got it.









The joy is in the pursuit.





So I'll shut up now.


That is all.

Back in stride... I think.

Gimme a minute so I can get my bearings...

I know it's been scarce, me and the whole blogging thing. I've been more concerned with business and planning that I really haven't had time to myself. I see from some comments my little excursion out with the fellas some have misunderstood as a date. Those photos were from last Wednesday night when I was releasing some steam with friends. I have no photos (that I can share) from last Tuesday night, so there.

I need a little time so I can get back into the groove...

I've been in the lab, finishing some things, trying to take my mind off of the whole arson incident and the chaos that ensued afterwards.

Things are as normal as they can be for now the exception of me not writing. My situation does not give me time to compose new stuff. I do have enough material to swim in and I am mostly concerned with that right now, I'm supposed to lay the rest of the composed stuff down and edit that to a CD project in the next coming weeks before I travel. I need shit to sell while on the road.

I'm hooking back up with Al, and sitting down with the band to put touches on the so-called album. I'm hoping to complete the project by March.

I will be in New York shooting some things early March. Hopefully, I run into Laylah at her exhibit, cause I'll be all up and thru there...
Going to Austin covering the music and interactive portion of the SXSW festival for a new pub mid to late March. This is my first time freelancing, so wish me, my camera, my batteries, my new lenses and my miniDV joint some luck. I need material and I have no clue. No material, no reimbursement or comps, so hope my lazy ass don't hang out too long in the bar and shit...
In Atlanta finalizing the Police Exam interview shit near the end of March...
I should be squeezing a couple of readings at some poetry spots out there. Depends on my host and how they do their thang...
Nashville and Memphis in early April, gully shit at various spots. My cousin Shan got me a few spots at actual clubs where live instrumentation is played on the daily, and there's stuff like poets and upcoming artists cutting their teeth.

I hope I can get my little short story printed in time to travel. I need some lit material with me as well as I spit to total strangers. Got the ISBN number and a barcode, also got a concept from my manager on how/what the book should look/feel like. Just might not have the time to get things pressed in time to go with me. Oh, it's some love stuff. Meeting, getting to know, bonding, and then deciding to lose it. Based on events I know about first hand. I hope I get love for that and my verses like I get here, and I hope I leave an impression so I can come back in the future. We'll see. It's starting to get really real.

I'm scared.
A little.
I'm out there all alone again.
Rejection is a motherfucker.

Shit.

Hung... Over.

So for the first time ever I get to telecommute from home and I took advantage of it last night in the worst way. I figured that being heard and not seen was a good excuse to be hungover, so I went out. Actually, I went out on Tuesday night as well, but that was standard fare. Upscale sportsbar, private table (by accident... I love V-day cancellations) double date thingee, had the extreme garden salad and onion soup. There.

After the week I had, I felt that I deserved a non-dating night out (to her, Tuesday was considered a date, but whatever man.) to just let the proverbial nuts hang and that's what I did. I just thought I'd share a photo or two...





Night started out okay. I was primed to have a few and watch the games on the monitors at my favorite spot...



Oh shit, post V-day drink specials? What better excuse to overindulge... A little.





We're pretty friggin mellow at this point. Notice the pinky fingers...




I KNOW SONG LYRICS!!! This is the "dancing santa" portion of the evening. We went 90's hip hop so I got my TribeCalledQuest/Fugees/BlackMoon/GangStarr
/SoulsOfMischief/MastaAce/Onyx/SimplyE/DigiblePlanets
/LeadersOfTheNewSchool on





This concludes our broadcast day. Please join us tomorrow when we'll discuss how dude turned himself in and confessed to arson, assault and battery and got hit with $200,000 bond.

That's right. bitches...

They got his ass before I did.

Shame. Now he in the bootyhouse, and this is his third felony conviction too.

I'm putting SO MUCH AnalEase on his commissary.

It's the least I can do.

The realest shit I ever wrote...

I really wanted February to be the month that I revealed myself to the world, I even came up with a cute title and had drafted some consructs so you, my extended blog family could get to know a little bit more about the flawed man that is Hassan and learn of my transgressions. In the past week, some terrible things have happened forcing me to put my time and efforts into someone and somethings other than my job, my art and myself. I know that this is a long post, but bear with me and give me a read today. I don't really know if You read my blog, but if you do stop by, I now understand how I became complicated and I vow to never violate your space or take up your time. Lessons are leard when bad things happen, I just wish I could have learned another way.


This is probably the only time in my life where I have taken off of my square. I have no intent on displaying niceties, and it took me a week to get to the point where I could post, so excuse the profanities as I'm stil trying to deal.

My week started good after the Super Bowl, I zombied my ass thru Monday and thought to have another week at my boring, but nicely compensated job. I wish this was true. What I witnessed is some shit out of tall taleville, but it happened. I am still trying very hard to not question God why things like this happen whenever I'm around.

Tuesday morning around 1am I got a phone call. Being so near and dear to my heart, I was not surprised to hear her in tears and needing my help. This was not the first time, but it was getting worse. She just got home from work and checked her voicemail and her ex left the ultimate threatening message. He had left messages before and on January 27, slipped a note under her door telling her that he had a key to her place and to get protection or else. That day we went to the police station to file a report. I witnessed how the desk seargent (who was female) just put her fears off as nothing. She even asked if we wrote the letter.

Whatever.

He had left voicemails before, sent her email and even attempted to get into her building so he could "talk". She called the police 4 times in January, and by the time they would get there, of course he was long gone. The broke up last year. He actually went to her place the night that happened and told her that his new woman could do everything better than she could, even told her that he had sex with the other woman in her bed and chilled at her spot while she was gone to work. It devestated her, no doubt, but she was glad he was gone. He lost his job sometime in 2005 and since that time became verbally abusive at first and then he started putting his hands on her. She was fighting him back, but why? Relationships were not supposed to be that way.

The night we went to the police station, they told her to file a restraining order because repeating this process was for not. If he came by or called again they had enough to at least arrest him for violating the order of protection and charge him with assault and battery for the other reports/charges filed. We discussed her going downtown to do this, but she never did. She put her work schedule in front of getting this done, even though she works 3rd shift and graveyard some nights. I knew this and I was disgusted that she calls me at 1am, so I snapped off on her. I told her that she could have had a warrant out on dude if she would have just gone down there and filed. I asked her when did she plan on filing and she had no answer. Once again, going to work and running errands was much more important than getting the proper paperwork filed when you got and ex that's pretty much stalking and threatening you.

I told her.

"Right now, you are giving him license to continue harrassing you. If you do not find ways to protect yourself physically and legally, he will try to kill you."

She wanted to believe me, but at one time she was in love with him. A few weeks ago she started looking for apartments in an attempt to start fresh and rebuild anew. They had fought before and spent a year apart, but she wanted to give him a second chance, and this is what that second chance turned into. She was telling me that he sounded different on this call, and that she was now scared. He had left voicemail messages in the past week first asking, then demanding that she check her family's house to see if his W2's came over there. I guess he used an address or something to that effect in the past. She agreed that Tuesday she would take her free time and go to the State's Attorney's courthouse and file the order of protection. I know I came on strong but I had to know if she was really going to file the report, or if she was just saying this to get me off of her back. I can come on very strong, and I know she called me for comfort and reassurance, but I had enough of this shit already. The back and forth was for teenagers.

Later last Tuesday morning I felt fine, I meditated, took my cold pressed fish oils and got a good yoga session on. I did cardio, showered for damn near 45 minutes and had a chocolate whey joint with glutamine and taurine as well as a shot of psylluim husk. I felt good. I was on my way to work and weaved thru traffic when my phone rang.

"He was just here... He tried to kick in my front door to get in and I called the police. I wasn't going to call you but my best friend told me to. You shouldn't be involved, but I'm scared"

"How long ago was this?"

"About 10 minutes ago. The police are on their way, but I'm still scared"

"I understand."

I told her to put her earpiece in and keep me on the phone as I heard the police knocking on her door and identifying themselves on the other side of the door. I heard everything clearly. To be short, I heard them look around and take basic info, and then I was insulted when they told her:

"Well, it doesn't look like any attempt of forced entry occured here. Miss, when you have an emergency, that's when you call us."

Now I was scared. Each time she called the police, he was at the building entrance, this time he found a way to get into her complex and get to her front door. Each time she called the police, he would disappear into the maze of apartment buildings and homes on the south side.

I told her I was on my way.

I entered my job and all of my bosses are women. They were all congregated in the VP's office and I walked in and told them the situation and that I was going to take her to get the restraining order. I had no problem taking time from work. At least they understood. I got to her house from the burbs in less than 30 minutes. I drove around the block and then parked down the street from her building. I observed the area and everything seemed all clear. I got to her building and found that the entry door was either kicked in or disabled, I was able to get to her front door by entering the 2 doors that was supposed to make the halls and apartments inaccessible to non residents. She was already dressed and I must've been up there all of 15 minutes. She gathered her things and I drove her to the State's Attorney's office and courthouse downtown. We were there all day. What I experienced there well be in another post. We discussed protection, papper spray which I suggested and she already bought and her finding a new apartment. I pledged to check in and make sure things were okay as my schedule permitted. She pledged to become more aware finally sounded like she was fed up and wanted this shit to stop. After witnessing and hearing horrible acts perpetrated on women and seeing the after effects of domestic bullshit, she was convinced that enough was enough with her ex.

We were in the car on the way back to her place when her phone rang. It was her best friend. They had spoken earlier and she convinced her to call me when no other, even the police was willing to help.

Her apartment had a fire.

When we got to her complex, there were fire trucks, investigator's vehicles and police. There were also 2 Red Cross disaster relief vehicles and people standing around either crying, staring or shouting. Her apartment on the third floor was gone. The top half of the building had that charred effect when the flames of a fire comes outside thru the windows. I took pictures after the fact. She allowed me to:






The whole building was lost. All of the residents were outside of the building. Her property management was there with a boarding company already boarding up the windows. The fire department was finished. They knew who we were when we pulled up. We were told that her apartment and the one across the hall were completely charred and that the roof was gone. I asked if we could go up and was told no. After pleading with a Red Cross official, we were allowed along with property management to go up. The entire hallway was black, there was no power and the water used to put out the flames was already ice. I had to revert back to the heartless bastard Army asshole that would tag bodies, burn shit from porta-potties in the middle of the desert and take pictures of the devestation my unit did in the gulf in order to process what I saw and to keep her in line. She had wanted to cry and fall out, but I would not allow it. I made her come with us to see because we knew how this fire started if no one else did. She needed to know what he is capable of doing because until that point, I believe in my heart that she thought he was just trying to get back with her and she thought he was just a little love crazy. All of the abusive shit was an expression... bullshit!

I saw the storage dresser that had her paperwork in it and I asked her... she was standing in her living room, frozen and about to cry, I was about to snap of on her ass and yelled at her to snap out of that trance shit and tell me if that was the dresser that had all of her important paperwork, she confirmed, and I grabbed the top drawer. No damage to the dresser but the rest of the apartment was burnt to a crisp. What was her couch was a scruched up wiry metal frame, it was dark and burnt shit was everyehere, but I remembered what the apartment looked like from that morning. My heart sank, but I had no time for emotion. I grabbed the drawer and made my way downstairs. We had to stay to talk to the investigator and the Red Cross. The gave her a debit card with a few hundred dollars on it and that was pretty much it.

I took her over to my mother's house and the family comforted her. We went shopping with that card to get her some basic needs. She was told by the fire investigator to call her housephone number and check her voicemail. He called her about the time the fire started from a cellphone and admitted starting the fire, calling it revenge. He also described me, the make and model of my car and my plate number and mentioned that he watched us this morning and since I helped file charges, he was now after me too. He wished all of us well, and told us that he "hoped we enjoyed the fireplace."He also said that he wasn't finished.

The next two voicemail messages proved that he used the phone from her apartment. The other woman called and asked her to tell him to call her to let her know if he was going to stay with her now, or if he was coming back 'home'. His mother called not even 5 minutes later and asked her to call back, it was an urgent matter. I listened to all of the messages. We now know as of today what really happened and where this coward of a human being is right now. I really want him to try to come after me. At this point, even though I have nothing to do with their situation, he brought me in by mentioning me. I went through a process last week where I wanted to kill him.

I really did.

I was not always this sensitive, poetry writing ass brother. I evolved into who I am today because I did not want to live and die on those streets. Just a few months ago I gave serious thought to taking my own life. I encountered a woman and her family and I loved what I saw, and at the same time hated what I had because what they had was so beautiful. I hated myself and the fact that I fought so hard to have happiness and it came so easy to her and others and not me. I listened to that voicemail message again and heard this man describe me and the car I just got, plates still fresh. He was across the street or hiding out somewhere close, watching. He gave no thought to the other occupants of that complex, or to himself by admitting his crimes.

So why should I give thought to seeing him live and enjoy the freedoms we work so hard to enjoy? Why should this woman have to live in fear that he will continue to stalk her? She lost everything but the clothes on her back and the paperwork we saved and what she took with her. The woman he was seeing drove him to Milwaukee sometime on Wednsday. In a sense, I wish he was still here in Chicago. I need a reason. In that moment I heard the voicemail with that satisfaction in his voice I found an new reason to live. I know that everything I have gone through to this point was bullshit compared to what this sister had and has to encounter. I still feel the urge to take this man's life. The police have to catch him before I do. I don't want to do this, I was told that I do not have jurisdiction over another person's life, but last Tuesday he thought he did.

All of the residents mad it out of the building fine and unhurt, but now there is no place to go for most of them. Some are now homeless. Thanks to our families, mine and her's she is not.

This ain't over, by any means.

I love it when I ramble...

I really can't (read: won't - what happens on the road stays on the road) talk about Sunday. I did enjoy myself tremendously and am grateful for all of the brothers that came out and did the damn thing.

Thank you, and next year let's stay home and do it in the basement on the high def.


I haven't been home, I stashed a few changes of clothes in the trunk and did the 3 S's on the fly. Thank the lawd for comps... yeah, that's right, after my free 3 star hotel visit, I went straight to work. No going home and sleeping in my bed, just Monday morning traffic and lots of coffee. Car guage clocked damn near 8 hours of driving on my behalf on Sunday, almost half a day.





From the dash this morning. Surprisingly, I was fresh all day, even with limited sleep and bad officiating on the brain.

Getting into work this morning, I noticed that I was the only person in the whole joint that took the Super Bowl seriously (and I ain't talking bout' "The Fix" and how he held the Seahawks to 10 points either). I mean, getting the chance to travel and experience the excitement and hooplah is a cool thing. Gives me a chance to meet and greeet cousins new and old. I'm glad I got the chance to get out. Everybody else stayed home and watched "Grey's Anatomy". It is a boring existance at the new gig. Too many football widows. Had to hook up with Troy and hit Outback to vent and discuss over a few adult beverages for him, a Coke and water for me. I was good today.

Whatever.

I'll get a chance to hang out with my "schmoke and a pancake" partner this weekend. Can't wait. We used to hang til' the sun would chase us home. Movies, dinner, stupid shit like tours and reverse shopping. Bowling at 3am. Breakfast at Clarkes at 9:30. At night. Rocky Horror Picture Show bashing and arthouse featurettes that only we could stand. Music, music, music: Clash, Cure, Duran Duran, Van Hunt, Rahssan Patterson (and that damn concert!), Sun Ra and the Akestra. Gil Scott-Heron (The Bottle, baby!) D Train, Miki Howard, Annie Lennox, Rachid (remember the album cover?), Betty Wright, Depeche Mode, the Lil Purple Nigga, Jameriquoi, the Beasties, Sylvester, Biz, Incognito and countless hours of studio sessions with Al and I. We kicked it. Most of the time we went nowhere. Some of the times we almost died (remember the keychain from Great America? - or that night/morning at Berlin and the lakefront? or some random night at Rannalli's?). We still can kick it, but haven't. I think that might change...

As long as her momma doesn't rush me in the middle of the street in her housecoat with that pistol again.

I must be bored... It's past 3am

And so my Super Bowl Sunday begins like this...

I'm actually 'stopping off' at my own house, spending my entire day on the south side with family and friends. I got clothes and a few other duties to fufill before hitting the road on what is beginning to be a cumbersome journey to watch a damn football game. My lil brother used today as a travel day with his wife and the kids and can no longer guarantee that he's hanging with the brothers today. The presence of alcohol and loose party goers partnered with getting to work on time Monday morning obviously fueled convo between him and my sis in law. Good looking out Z. But I did want to hang with my brother. But I understand. We spent too much time apart last year during 'the spat of silence'...

My brother in law wants to hang badly, but my sister is taking this time to pick up some agency work (for what, I don't know... They're PAID!!! she: pediatric nurse - he: broker), so he might be hanging out with his son Sunday evening. Can't knock that... I pray for the day my son and I can hang and watch football. Wait... I can't even keep a woman's interest for longer than... Next topic.

My best friend wants to hang, chill, go out to various bars and spend tons of cash and really enjoy the Super Bowl. He doesn't have to work Monday. We faxed him the memo, he still wants to travel and kick it. Nobody else at this point is feeling it.

The bruzz wanted to take the big trip to the 'D' and hit the scene, you know - post Super Bowl parties and such... Snowstorm stopped that. Oh and I have another gas guzzling rental that we're not using, and no one wanted to partner on the drive. Okay, we couldn't get our shit
together either. Note that we're all over 30 and that scene can be dangerous to most of us. Some of us are no longer in the loop (family/business/church, stuff like that). Luckily there a couple of chapters in and around the 'D' (had to tread water a few months ago, history in that area) that had our back and was willing to host. Not happening now.

I just wanna see the game. I passed up New York and this wonderful gathering to stay here and be with family, friends and extend brothers.

Shit.

I have no idea what's going to happen today. All I know is I pick up 2 people at 7:30 this morning and we have no real destination. Ayesha and em' are hooking a party this evening. I wanna hang there. Never been to a SB party hosted by a bunch of girls. Yeah, I said it. Girls. What they know about it? I'm dying to see. That shit might be off the hook.

My mother told me that she was thinking about having lap-band surgery. I tried to talk that thought outta her head. I might have to be over there daily with my Army grays and just work her out personally. I want my moms here for years to come healthy and strong. We discussed my grandmother's passing at age 59 and she knows that I have thoughts of dying before 60 due to my diabetes and other ailments. She dropped an H bomb on me about her having thoughts as well of possibly not making it past 60... Guess that thought process got passed on in the genes. She's 53 (if you've done the math - I have an older sister and an older brother, and I'm 35... /insert silence here/ she was a fast tailed lil thang, I know but she's still my momma - and a great one at that, she got us all educated, fearing the lord, tax paying and crime free - so respect her gangster) and she feels like she's being stressed to get it together before she reaches 59. I agree, but not for that reason. I am the only child to not have children, and I want her in their lives just like my nieces and nephews. I don't know how I could live with my children not knowing their grandma if we can prevent any health related lapse by nipping her smoking and lack of exercise in the bud now. She just had a thorough checkup and came in at 100%. I want her to stop smoking and get the excess weight off so I can have her to myself for years and then some...

I can't find my black wristband from the Millions More Movement. I bought so many and gave a few of them to my peoples. I got reds and greens...



According to the car's gauge, I used up a half tank of gas in 4:54:37. I learn something new everyday. 177 miles driven today in just running errands, dropping T at the crib and D off at work and coming home to pick up stuff. 177 miles and an half tank of petro... How does that happen? And I gotta go to Indiana tomorrow to see T's grandma before we hit the road.

I should be sleep.

I might oversleep.

All of this for a football game. And I'm TiVo'ing and trying my hand at recording direct to the DVD recorder. TiVo is on backup... I'll find a way to jack it up though and have nothing to see when I get back here.

My cats are needy. I'm never here. It seems that I'm only here to feed them and change the litterbox. As I sit here, they're all at my feet begging for attention. I'm not used to that at all. Most times (well, when I used to live here and not visit) I'd never see em'. Whatever. I'll show em some love and make sure they're drinking water.

I'm rambling...

Enough

Funky 24 Plus One More

For those that are not Bajan or Hatian - Here's a repost of my attempt to blog using my island skills:

NameLiar
InsanelySane
Yazmar

All requested to read this in English, or whatever that is

Here goes:


Peace and blessings in the name of the Most High!

I always like the ends/beginnings of the month, it makes me aware that there is a shift and a different portion of the season to come.

Time off will be spent fasting, getting rolfed and adjusting to a suburban yogi and his facility.
I only plan on digesting fluid for the entire month of February, there is a lot to purge. Colonics for everyone!!!

I re-recorded the joints I needed to and the vocals came out different. Whatever. Must be the new vibe.

I'm informed Laylah that I'll try to be in New York for her reception Sunday. Problem is, it's Super Bowl Sunday, and kickoff would be an hour after the event starts. I also promised some of my former brothers that I would travel to Detroit and be all up in the middle of the hooplah. Haven't made up my mind.

I gotta make a choice. It's money thing. My decision should be quick after checking my accounts this week.

Making itenary to hit Atlanta, DC, Memphis and Nashville, New York, Dallas, Colorado Springs and Los Angeles (by way of Oxnard, thanks Troy!) in the next 90 days on my "Broke as Fuck - Buy a Book So I Can Take My Black Ass Home" tour.

I'm stressing over the cover art and binding of the short that's being released. I don't know what size it should be. I want it to be compact, but my new handler says otherwise. She wants it to be normal. Normal doesn't sell. Plus, I'll be lugging that shit on the road and I need to be as light as possible and have something that definately catches the eye before you crack it open.

Dude is ready to comment on the blog, but it ain't deep in February yet.

I'll need $4800 for the surgical proceedure. For those that know, pray that the tour is profitable.

I hear you Nikki, I really do. I just needed time to let the words sink in. You believe in me when I didn't believe in myself, and it's still that way. Thank you, and nah... I told you I wasn't mad...

I'm copping a DVD recorder today so I can finally dump all the stuff off of my TiVo. I am currently at 97% capacity. Oldest program recorded, the entire Millions More Movement as brodcast on C-Span. I've been dying to get this to DVD. Also, the entire Chicago White Sox playoff run, including the World Series. I need proof for Cub fans that this event actually took place.

Loving the new gig. I do nothing and get paid a lot to do so. Bought the home kit for my XM reciever, it was the first thing I put on my desk. The Flow (channel 61) changes the whole landscape of my office. Feels good to have one of those back. It's been a while.

So it wasn't my last post... whatever.
This is the day the Lord has made.Tomorrow is another day.
I hope to see you then.


Thank you for requesting, it means you visited. And stay outta my medicine cabinet!!!


This was the joint that Nikki tagged me to do last week. I was on mini-vacation and doing job interviews out of state, so I promised her when I get back I'd hook her and honor her request.

Seeing that this is Black History Month, I thought I would change it up a little and give you "Black: His Story Month"... I'm digging deep in the archives to give you a little more on who I am and where I came from. It starts here and gets deeper. My life. I got some shit for ya...

Enjoy.

Thur Feb 2, 2006

1. Are you content with your life?
Not at all. I wouldn't be ranting and raving all up and through here if I was. There is so much ground to cover and I feel like so much time has already passed... I guess that's why I keep getting more time.

2. If not, what would make you content?
I'm on my way there, but I don't have a clue specifically what can get me there. Just knowing that I sit here in my new digs all comfortable and thangs puts me at ease. I don't want much and all that I need is practically right at my fingertips. But I do want more. Real property would be nice, but won't make me 'happy' happy. A relationship? Nah... I think I learned my lesson there. More money? Um, I almost lost my life (and lost the relationship in that process) earlier this month in an attempt to hook up with a friend that was 'flipping' to hustle up a few extra bucks for myself... When the deal went bad, I guess that was the Creator showing me that I was all good with the little money that I had. Whenever I needed more loot in the past, I always got it. So it damn sure ain't money... I don't know... Maybe good living?

3. If so, what makes you content with it?
Just being.

4. What do you like most about yourself?
My ability to lock it in and be steadfast about something. I become this focused and discliplined soldier about whatever I'm passionate about. Through fasting, a new diet and exercise, I lost 60 or so pounds last year. No journals or mapped out plans, I just told myself to let some things and bad habits go. If I want to live well, I have to eliminate the bad shit and I did. Hurt like hell in the beginning, but I'm glad meat, most alcohol (except for last weekend) and junk foods went bye bye. I'll live longer and manage my diabetes better for it. That's what's up.

5. What do you wish you could change about yourself?
My smile. I have some crooked ass chompers, but it's cool, that's being taken care of right now. If I sell a few more CDs and continue on with the new gig (internet startup that markets and sells exactly what I need to get the new teefises), 2006 will be the year I smile for a change.

6. What irritates you most about other people?
Nothing... I usually ignore other people unless I have to pay attention.

7. What state do you live in? If not in the u.s., where in the world you at?
Back in the Chi (Chicago, Illinois) after a few years in the burbs in writing seclusion... But I did finish my short.

8. What do you look for in the mate who would be most compatible for you? (you'll notice I didn't say perfect mate, cuz there is no such thing as perfection, only perfection in imperfections).
The ability to deal with me. That alone is enough.

9. Do you enjoy giving oral sex?
Absolutely.

10. If so, why?
I get off by getting you off... Nothing says satisfaction more than that. It also means I'm doing something right.

11. If not, why?
see above answer

12. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
10. A girl named Evette 'kidnapped' me from the neighborhood posse game playing hour and took me into the vestibule of her building. She knew exactly what she was doing. She even whispered "baby" in my ear during the process. She backed me up against the banisters and unbuckled my belt, pulled my pants and underwear down and exposed my member. It was the first time I can remember having a hard on. She pulled her panties all the way down from under her skirt and straddled me as I sat on a railing. She grabbed me and as she inserted, the sensation of dry to wet/tightness/tingle/movement of the hips was too much for me. I came rather quickly, shuddered and fell down. I was embarrassed and a mess and didn't know what to do from there. She tried to help me up but reached for her panties in that movement because we thought we heard someone coming out of an apartment. False alarm, but I fell again. I got up, pulled my shit up and ran out of the hallway and went home. I felt like what I did was so wrong, and I knew that my dad would whoop my ass if he saw the little mess I made on myself. I took the clothes and put them under my bed and changed into a pair of shorts. I noticed something when we moved away from that area maybe a year or two later. She knew exactly how to grab it, knew to buck them hips and knew when my eyes rolled to the back of my head to let me pull out. She even cuffed her hand over the tip of my shaft when 'it' came in an attempt to catch it, but I fell back and hit the floor, causing that not to go so smoothly. Who taught her that? And why have I been chasing that initial feeling since then?

13. Was it a good experience for you?
Yes and no. That was my first time. I just pretty much sat/laid there. She boogled more than she bounced or bucked. It was slow and deliberate, and it felt weird/painfully good. I didn't want her to stop. I still prefer my love to be on top because of that. Control, I love that. I can still remember what it felt like to come for the first time. That shit was tremendous. I must of jerked myself to death from that point to get that feeling back. I also found out that Evette's mother Isabel performed incalls when we were outside playing so she could make that rent. I guess that's how she knew how to do what she did. I was ashamed for years about that being my first time, but now... nah.

14. What motivates you to wake up each morning?
Knowing that I might have the ability to do it again the next day. So I celebrate this day.

15. What do you see yourself doing in five years?
Still living single, no kids, writing and traveling abroad to support that habit.

16. What is your 'big plan' for 2006?
Get the two albums done and release the short and manifesto (although Saul dropped his manifesto today, so that one might wait)

17. What do you love most about being single/involved/married?
I get a chance to be with me, and I loves me some him. I should have hung out with myself sooner. I'm good people, and generous too.

18. How often do you have sex in a week?
Next question...

19. Do you masturbate?
Not any more. I got this R. Kelly method of holding it in and writing the good shit because of it. I'm not trying to mess that up right now.

20. What are your favorite television shows?
just one... Lost

21. Who are your favorite actors/actresses?
Roger Guveneur Smith - Sanaa Latham - Yellow bastids.

22. What are you listening to on your ipod/cd player right now?
Pharaoh Sanders "The Creator Has A Master Plan"

23. Give me three adjectives that best describe you.
discliplined, Creative, Alone.

24. What is your zodiac sign?
I think Taurus, wait... Aries. I was born on the cusp or some shit like that...

25. What do you love most about blogging?
Chopping game with your ass.
The fact that you're reading me right now.
Me having the opportunity to read you too.

Et ainsi nous clôturons ce chapitre...

Attachement. Personne n'ont défini ce meilleur que Coretta Scott King. Quand d'autres auraient pleuré et s'étaient alors écartés et avaient commencé plus de, elle est restée consacrée au mouvement et a travaillé dans lui aiment son mari aurait est elle était morte. Une volonté phénoménale de femme que j'a manquée. Je souhaite que j'aie eu de meilleurs mots ce matin, mais je pas . Nous avons perdu notre mère consacrée, nous devrions remercier Dieu de sa présence. Le repos et soit avec lui. Vous avez souffert avec nous assez longtemps.








Paix et bénédictions au nom du plus haut!

J'aime toujours les extrémités le mois, il me met au courant qu'il y a un décalage et une partie différente de la saison à venir.

Le temps sera éteint jeûne dépensé, obtenir rolfed et s'ajuster sur un yogi suburbain et son dextérité. Je projette seulement sur digérer le fluide pour le mois entier de février, là doit beaucoup purger.

Colonics pour chacun!!!

Je re-ai enregistré les joints I requis et les vocals sont venus hors de différent. Quoi que. Doit être le nouveau vibe.

Je suis Laylah au courant qui j'essayerai d'être à New York pour sa réception dimanche. Le problème est, c'est cuvette superbe dimanche, et le kickoff serait une heure après que l'événement commence.

J'ai également promis certains de mes anciens frères que je voyagerais à Detroit et serais tout vers le haut au milieu du hooplah. N'ont pas composé mon esprit.

J'ai obtenu de faire un choix. C'est chose d'argent. Ma décision devrait être rapide après avoir vérifié mes comptes cette semaine.

Rendant itenary pour frapper Atlanta, C.c, Memphis et Nashville, New York, Dallas, ressorts du Colorado et par Los Angeles (Oxnard, merci Troy!) en 90 jours suivants en ma "s'est cassé comme baise - achetez un livre ainsi je puis excursion prendre ma maison noire d'âne". Je soumets à une contrainte au-dessus de l'art de couverture et de l'attache du short qui est libéré. Je ne sais pas quelle taille ce devrait être. Je veux qu'il soit compact, mais mon nouveau traiteur dit autrement. Elle veut qu'il soit normal. La normale ne se vend pas. Plus, je supporterai cette merde sur la route et je dois être aussi léger que possible et avoir quelque chose qui attire definately l'attention avant que vous la fendiez ouverte.

Le type est prêt à présenter ses observations sur le blog, mais ce n'est pas février encore.

J'aurai besoin de $4800 pour le proceedure chirurgical. Pour ceux qui savent, priez que l'excursion est profitable. Je vous entends Nikki, je fais vraiment.

Nikki... J'ai juste eu besoin de temps ai laissé l'évier de mots dedans. Vous croyez en moi quand je n'ai pas cru en me, et c'est toujours de cette façon. Merci, et le nah... Je vous ai dit que je n'étais pas fou...

Je copping un enregistreur de DVD aujourd'hui ainsi je puis finalement vider toute la substance au loin de mon TiVo. Je suis actuellement à la capacité de 97%. Le programme le plus ancien enregistré, les millions entiers de plus mouvement comme brodcast sur l'C-Envergure. J'étais mort d'envie d'obtenir ceci à DVD. Also, la course blanche entière de playoff de Chicago Sox, y compris la série du monde. J'ai besoin de la preuve pour des ventilateurs de Cub que cet événement a eu lieu réellement.

Aimer le nouveau gig. Je ne fais rien et obtiens payé beaucoup pour faire ainsi. A acheté le kit à la maison pour mon XM reciever, il était la première chose que j'ai mis dessus mon bureau. L'écoulement (canal 61) change le paysage entier de mon bureau. Se sent bon pour avoir un de ceux en arrière. Il est été un moment. Ainsi ce n'était pas mon dernier poteau... quoi que.

C'est le jour où le seigneur a fait.
Le demain est un autre jour.
J'espère vous voir alors.

Hello and Goodbye

The picture says a lot on how I feel and what I've learned during my self imposed sabbatical.




I'll be ready to share next week. I will be a little more forthcoming on how I got to this place and how it affected the new way I see myself, how a few friends have seen/now see me and how recent events had a lot to do with things I had no idea could ever interconnect with other things.

I still need prayer and love, but I'm not as fragile as I was.

My goals and plans for my life have changed since I got back. Somewhat.

I traveled a little and saw some things from the outside in. Wow, I was buggin'. Love makes you do that though. Just temporarily crazes you. I'll expound on that soon.

I am not angry or anything, nor am I depressed. I am still a bit disappointed I guess. I never got to testify, but the trial is over and the judge has made a decision. I just know that sometimes people cannot see what you see. I don't know if I'm willing to reveal what I see to some anymore. Sometimes I just want all of us to see the same picture, even if it seems like an impossible feat.

I lost a close associate and good friend since the year started. I gained 2 new people that have kept me occupied in thought and prayer since I lost that good old friend. God moves you when you least expect it. I needed thought and prayer, so thank you.

I no longer have a best friend. Moms was right, you only get one or two true friends in your lifetime.

I spent a little time in Florida spitting in a vocal booth. I already have to scrap that material and re-record.

Shit happens, but for good reason. I wish I could explain that to those I care for. I must once again renig on some shit... I believe that God puts you in places and sometimes it displaces the ones you directly affect (and vice versa). I found myself and my purpose by being in certain places with certain people at certain times. I was shown things that will never leave my mind's eye and affects the way I do things now. I love the fact that I got a chance to view the world under the Light. I can see clearly now, the rain is indeed gone.

In an attempt to purge, I wrote a short. I also wrote 9 new joints. 6 are done, and I will release the music with the short. It's kinda hot. Whatever. In travelling, I've worked to book myself to perform the new material in a few joints near some of y'all. I'll need more plane tickets to do that, so I took a job locally with an internet startup. I'm scared. Whatever to that too. What happened to me recently turned out to be a launch pad in me splitting and that other half becoming my outspoken and emotionally charged doppleganger. He's got good material.


Beware of him, he's coming Monday to take over my blog.


This should be my last post. I'm stepping down to let him take over. I'll check in periodically to make sure he ain't abusing his priviledges. If we're close, I've already said my goodbyes via phone, in person and email. There are so many I wish I could personally thank for your words and encouragement. Thank you all. There are so many I'll never get a chance to either see or hear, thank you to you too.

It has indeed been a privilige to have crossed paths...
Maybe in a next lifetime... All in due time.

Hotep

See you guys sometime in February.

I shouted a few over at the blackisms site.


Bread crumbs.


Be easy, y'all.


With more love than you'll ever know,

Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo

finding me

I will no longer hide what I feel... I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, but in the same breath I keep getting sick... This is so much therapy just putting my ish out there in the universe... I hope I can be an example for brothers to see where they need not be and what not to do. I seem to have that problem endearing myself to folks and finding a way to sabotage that shit. I hate that about me. I don't hate myself. I'm coming to realize that I might need to become another self. I wish I knew how to do that. Maybe y'all can help me... I don't feel it's too late, but I do feel like I'm running out of time.

I said that yesterday. I meant it too. I must find ways and explore possibilities to make change where change is due. I am out of alignment and I wish to be in a better place emotionally and spiritually.

I feel like I am getting further away from The Creator.

I need to get closer... I need to be closer.

I still pray and meditate. I still beg for forgiveness. I still look to be right in the eye...


I still feel guilt and shame. I wish to put these things behind me and release my struggle. I have health and opportunity, why cant I be happy in just this?

I know.

I need to make things right and soon.

All I ever wanted out of all of the things one can have in this world is to be loved in return. It's not that momma didn't, but I'm 35 this year and I haven't had reciprocation as an adult. Not once. It makes me want to do destructive things, disrespect myself and cause problems to gain that kind of favor, but my momma raised me and my daddy reared me under the great vision and presence of the Alpha and Omega, so I know better. Even when I have done something that was out of pocket, the guilt was more unbearable that the pain I feel knowing I participated and was rewarded for taking human life. Don't ask. There were things I had to do get to this point of desperation January 19 2006... I live because they don't, and I came to terms with that so long ago.

That means I have purpose in being here?

If so, why am I so hellbent in thinking about ending it sometimes?

I want to feel like getting up every morning. These past couple of weeks, I've been so conflicted, afraid and ashamed of myself it wouldn't have mattered if I stayed asleep. I'm too much of a coward to even pull the trigger anyway, so my shame is that much greater. Sometimes I feel like I'm using up oxygen that someone else could definitely use. I know I want the opposite, so I fast, pray and monitor myself so much closer, because this week I want to live. I know that this up and down is depression, and I am not the one for medication. I know that action is needed to get up out of this funk. I don't want to do something stupid, but sometimes emotions get the best of me and cloud my judgment. I can no longer be this person, because I feel like he will become so overwhelmed one day and he will take his own life. That's why he is who he is and I talk about him as if we are not related.

I can't stand him.

I can't wish him death... He is I and I am him.

The me that I know I am is not obsessed with death and destruction. He is full of life and is able to create and revel in it as if someone else made it and he hears it for the first time. He loves chocolate and Coca Cola Zero enough to take an entire hour to savor it. He likes to do way too much. He doesn't sleep because he's knee deep in making something. He wants happy: Happy job, happy marriage and wants to make happy babies. This dude has a gift... He's just buried somewhere and needs to find a way to get back to the surface.

I need to make the change in order to become me again.

I'm aware, afraid and desperate all in one right now. I feel like I just woke up and my vision is blurred. I want to get up and make something of my days. I pray that my father hears me and I don't get ignored because of my actions and bad thoughts.

I want rejoice and be glad in it.

Again.


Can you hear me?

Moving on...

Moving away from how I felt...

Shit happens, right?

Aiight then.

So I go to visit my boy yesterday. He asked me if I mentioned that he got hit on my blog and if I used his name. I told him that I let a little info go because I didn't want to leave out what happened, but I didn't expose him... It didn't make sense if folks had to wonder why I've been so shook emotionally (other than what happened with her). Before I went over there, I called first to see if his wife was there, I wasn't sure what her schedule was. The last time I saw her outside of the hospital that Friday she decided she wanted to scrap with me. Found out she heard that I left dude laying out there after he got shot. I went around the block, but I came right back. I was scared and it was damn near instinct for me to pull off. I did apologize to dude and to his wife, but that's the thing, that's her man and I'd be hot too if I thought a friend left my loved one in the middle of a fracas like that.

I'm sorry.

Can't say that enough.

Anyhoo, dude needed to know if I mentioned his name and I told him no. He asked if I had pics of anything related on my flickr page, once again no. Asked if I mentioned his wife in my blog, I told him yes. Between me bouncing around while damaging the car and fighting his wife that day I got a few bruises and I felt needed to explain why I looked like someone choked the shit out of me, so I did mention that I got snapped on. I told dude that I mentioned how things went down after I spoke to my mother and how she helped me realize that things interconnect and I should learn what to do with myself from things like this.

Dude is okay. He was concerned that him and his wife were put on blast. I no longer have a connection with his lady. I believe we're still friends. I'm praying time will heal this.

I'm not going to front. I feel like I ruined a few folks lives in the past couple of weeks and months. I now wish that I could have kept to myself in some instances. I'm being told that I'm learning something by going through what seems to me to be some seriously fucked up situations.

I love my people, I love my old neighborhood. I was just condo shopping in the area in which I grew up and I really felt good being there. I got some things working where I might be able to buy a piece of property in the neighborhood and set up shop with the non profit close by, but I think about being in a place in which there are people that have contempt towards me. I think about certain neighborhoods and certain people and who they know. I think about me not being able to perform my pieces at certain venues. I think about that corner and wonder what would have happened if I were getting out of the car and got hit. Mind you dude only had a flesh wound and had no organs damaged, but he got shot all the same. I think about running into people that don't want to run into me and vice versa. I don't know if I want to live in the midst of that right now.

I wasn't supposed to be there.
Just like I wasn't supposed to be thinking about a relationship.
Just like I wasn't supposed to do that Christmas thing.
I lost focus... I wasn't supposed to cross paths with certain folk.
I forgot about how I can affect people's shit.
Not going to happen again.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to open up to folk, what I am saying is that until I improve on lots of internal things, I don't plan on even hanging out. That cannot happen again. That will not happen again. I wasn't supposed to open up and reveal so much of myself to folks. I was not supposed to receive what I did, or else it would no have been taken back so abruptly. I have so many issues internally that I must work on before I try to connect with someone. I also wasn't supposed to be hanging out with certain folk. I should not even be working in the city. I need to be in a place where I can isolate and work to improve myself. I found a job opportunity that can change my life and I really want to take it if things pan out. It's in Orlando and that along with my brother looking outside of Chicago now has me looking at cities other than Chicago to live and work. I'm feeling the relocation thing, I think that'll work for me.

I still plan on publishing the stuff I wrote and I think that I can do that from anywhere. I'm sad that I probably have to scrap plans to get my non profit off the ground in the Chi. I really wanted to come home and do something, anything to change the look on the faces of some of the shorties in my old neighborhood. I think change is good in some aspect, and this might a good time to make change. I still plan on erecting a ministry within the Millions More Movement and becoming an asset to my people. I still plan on spitting poetic pieces and making beats for beats sake. I just don't know where I'll land and do it. I am afraid to set foot in Chicago, and it ain't because someone shot at my car. I don't even know if we were the intended targets seeing as random gunfire is a way of life in some neighborhoods. I still haven't thought this thing all the way through, but after going through so much in a short period of time I need to break away and keep my shit to myself. I guess it's at this point that I'm supposed to feel like a sucker and a damn fool for allowing myself to to allow others in at such a vunerable and uncertain point in my life. All that did is spread more uncertainty. I still can't believe I got caught with my mouth open.

I'm not running, I just think that change will do me some good. I love my ideas, but maybe they're for someone else to do. I love the thought of me being in love and hanging out with my friends and family, but I think there's a reason why I never married or had kids. This job op in Florida would require me to travel extensively and what I probably need right now is to keep busy. If I'm alone and am short on time, I cannot fuck up someone else's' shit with all of my emotions and indecision. Too many signs point to me getting away from here. I'll need to take a vacation, think and see if this the right thing to do.

It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at... Right?

Honestly, I felt like dying. I cannot believe that there were actions done by me that caused someone to turn away. It seems sad in a sense because I'm used to that kind of shit. Rejection. Sometimes I hate my life so much that I no longer want to be me. I can't help it. I didn't do everything right. I probably didn't say the right things. I don't think I did, but somehow I got lost in the flurry of emotions that causes me to be me and forgot about her and everything that caused me to leap out on faith and believe that she is the one. I know that life just doesn't go on all regular like. My heart just doesn't release that feeling like... Next! It cannot. I know I probably question things too much and probably get a little too extreme, but when I love I love so hard and am willing to jump in front of her to catch the bullet... I can't stop expressing the pain. I opened up and shared all that is Hassan. All of my hopes, dreams and secrets, all of my plans and strategies, my innermost fears. I know that it didn't go down a drain, released to bullshitville. I know that my conversations were not fodder. That, I do not understand. I know now that I must move forward. I also know that some of the things I feel right now will be damn near forgotten months and years from now. One thing. I fell in love. I never have like this before. I felt the shift in my core, my alignment changed and my gravitational pull became different. She changed my life. I am trying to gain better understanding on how I must move forward after someone comes into your life and changes everything. I still have a sense of purpose. I am not motivated to become one with that purpose yet. Until I understand, which I probably never will. So today I move, reluctantly but I move all the same. I cannot remain in this funk but in the same breath I cannot force myself to move from this space. Do I need a phone call, yes, but I will never get it. The forces of nature demands that all ties be cut off so one can refocus. She ain't calling. Get over it. Next issue. Would I like to have conversation? Yes. I would like to bring all that has happened to closure thru speaking. Guess what? Ain't gonna happen. The rules of the game says 'enough of this bullshit, the reason I cut you off is because I didn't want to even go down that road in the first place. You are not worth additional convo. You'll bring up the reasons and I'll hurt again and you'll keep asking because you don't understand.' That is what pierces men and causes unbelievable pain for ungodly periods of time. It makes us lose focus and harp at the obvious. It causes us to do silly things to regain attention. We are men, we cannot move on without proper periods of mourning. Our logic is flawed. We need logic to complete the formula so we can know what not to do in our next endeavor. I still want a relationship. I still want to share my love with the movement. I still want to be of the people and live in the hood checking for the shorties. I am still hip hop. I am that tragic song that cats bump their heads to but don't want to mouth the words. I am the unheard track that Biggie and Pac spit on, laying on a shelf under an inch of dust left unplayed because the producer knows that even the hardest head will shed a tear after the downbeat hits the speaker. I am that pool of blood that Big L shed in that alley after he was shot over bullshit. I'll seep into the cracks of the ground and nourish a dandelion and a little crabgrass. Those weeds hold life, but no one wants them in their yard. I am the legacy of Trouble MC: Too much talent, too little time, not enough recorded material to put out a tribute CD. I am the voice of the D.O.C. - loud and powerful, ready to represent a new breed of emcee, reduced to a whispery gravel. I'm still working on coming up from this. I have no answers.

and so the extra gift has turned into

A plane ticket.




I messed up.

I am ashamed.

I wish I could reverse the foul act.

I wish she knew how much this hurts.

I think she knows, I am blocked from messaging her (well, she been done that).

She hasn't returned my email.

I am done.

I feel like death has hovered over me for quite a long time now.

I quit my job today.

I need to relocate.

I don't know if I can be here anymore.

I'm already packed... might as well do something about it.

I'm scrapping my projects... For now. No one wants to hear my pain.

I found an opportunity in Florida, that seems far enough.

I don't want to stop blogging, but I might have to.

I no longer have balance.

I don't think I ever will.

broken beyond repair

I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Indecision has me reeling in bad feelings.

I had originally wished that I could fix what I had broken, but all indications are that I must now walk alone instead of having a hand to grab.

I made a mess out of Christmas and New Years, and now I must pay.

I purchased a gift for her when she initially told me not to. To be honest, she didn't want the gift I was buying - she called it "too much, too soon". I am deaf to those that say that some things are not worth having. I fall head first into me just doing things for the friendship or romantic significance, although I needed to tread the line with the purchase of this gift. It is expensive but practical, and after an incident that made this gift necessary for me to give, I thought that I could best serve multiple purposes:

Replacing a needed toy.
Giving a Christmas gift.
Being spontaneous.
Feeling good that she has something from me that she needs.

I didn't mean for the gift to be taken as prelude to my feelings. Although I was falling in love with this sister, I wanted the gift to be looked as a practical item. Wasn't the case. I got the sideways RCA Victor dog look and a question about the intent of my gift a few days after I revealed exactly what is was, cause I didn't want anyone else to buy it and I needed her to put that out in the universe so all knew.

I'm sure you've read that I had problems ordering the thing because of it's popularity. I'm also sure you know that I finally got the thing last week. I'm also sure you know that I still have the thing, and today is her birthday.

I caught hell from a few family members and a couple of friends when I told them that I planned on giving the gift, even though there was a decision to move in another direction between her and I. I am officially heartbroken right now. I opened myself up to someone that also opened up and we shared a lot. We spent a little time, although I wish there was more time that could have been spent. I feel like because we didn't get together in the flesh like we should have I was seen as 'less than advertised'.

I lost my job in us getting close, and I think that had a lot to do with me being seen as a non provider. The past hustle, a little AFLAC and a whole lot of cashing in my savings helped me get thru. Someone said that you should have at least 6 months of savings saved up in case of layoffs, firings or feeling froggy and walking off your job. I had a little more than 6, a few credit cards and some knuckleheads and business folk that owed me money. I was forthcoming about my finances, I was cashing in my 401k in December and I lost a lot, and the money came in spurts. I was interviewing and not finding comfort or stability to my standards, so I turned a few jobs down. That probably looked arrogant and irresponsible to the sister and I knew this, but I kept on pushing.

I started working on my business plan to start a business and that fed my ego and hunger to remain independent. I realized that the non profit I wanted to get off the ground could replace my corporate gig, so I dove in head first. I think she was digging that, but I also think that she still wanted me to represent correctly and get a straight job. Thanksgiving came and I was not speaking to my family. It had lasted damn near 6 months and she took a bold step and invited me to her family gathering. I no-showed. I fell into a depressed haze and took my frustrations out on some furniture. I had never been in that place before. I got a few voicemail messages wishing that I dropped dead so I could never ruin a family thanksgiving again. I didn't know that certain people had that much contempt for me. I felt angry and suicidal for the first time in my life and I knew that I could not be around people. I wanted to be with my family, and I could not. I kept my depression and anger at home. That hurt her.

She called me, we talked and I think the weeks after turkey day mended things. I got a chance to spend more time with her and her family and I was in love with the love they had for each other. I think my situations and feelings towards certain things and family turned her off. We went out on Christmas eve and I knew the vibe had changed. We did not spend Christmas together. New Years either. A few days into January I got my walking papers, and I was devastated. I think there was a little too much going on in my life for her and I understand that. To note, I did get back with my family the week of Christmas. I mended fences, spent time and found the missing link to that feeling one gets during the holiday season. I did not get a chance to share that with her.

The phone calls stopped.
Instant messaging was far and few.
I have every text message she ever sent. I even bought a new phone so I could keep the texts intact until I found a way to download them.

She asked me about the gift a few days ago, and I told her I was stalling, I knew that our exchange would probably be our last and I didn't want that. To further the damn situation, I had people begging me not to give her this gift and I got their reasons why in the worst manner. I couldn't get them out of my ear. It became problematic. I want to give this gift to her no matter what has been done and said because I am a man of my word. Nuff said.

But I still love her.
Giving it to her now shows ulterior motive.
Stalling shows weakness.
I don't know what to do or say.

And today is her birthday.

This is so unrepairable.

broken beyond repair

I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Indecision has me reeling in bad feelings.

I had originally wished that I could fix what I had broken, but all indications are that I must now walk alone instead of having a hand to grab.

I made a mess out of Christmas and New Years, and now I must pay.

I purchased a gift for her when she initially told me not to. To be honest, she didn't want the gift I was buying - she called it "too much, too soon". I am deaf to those that say that some things are not worth having. I fall head first into me just doing things for the friendship or romantic significance, although I needed to tread the line with the purchase of this gift. It is expensive but practical, and after an incident that made this gift necessary for me to give, I thought that I could best serve multiple purposes:

Replacing a needed toy.
Giving a Christmas gift.
Being spontaneous.
Feeling good that she has something from me that she needs.

I didn't mean for the gift to be taken as prelude to my feelings. Although I was falling in love with this sister, I wanted the gift to be looked as a practical item. Wasn't the case. I got the sideways RCA Victor dog look and a question about the intent of my gift a few days after I revealed exactly what is was, cause I didn't want anyone else to buy it and I needed her to put that out in the universe so all knew.

I'm sure you've read that I had problems ordering the thing because of it's popularity. I'm also sure you know that I finally got the thing last week. I'm also sure you know that I still have the thing, and today is her birthday.

I caught hell from a few family members and a couple of friends when I told them that I planned on giving the gift, even though there was a decision to move in another direction between her and I. I am officially heartbroken right now. I opened myself up to someone that also opened up and we shared a lot. We spent a little time, although I wish there was more time that could have been spent. I feel like because we didn't get together in the flesh like we should have I was seen as 'less than advertised'.

I lost my job in us getting close, and I think that had a lot to do with me being seen as a non provider. The past hustle, a little AFLAC and a whole lot of cashing in my savings helped me get thru. Someone said that you should have at least 6 months of savings saved up in case of layoffs, firings or feeling froggy and walking off your job. I had a little more than 6, a few credit cards and some knuckleheads and business folk that owed me money. I was forthcoming about my finances, I was cashing in my 401k in December and I lost a lot, and the money came in spurts. I was interviewing and not finding comfort or stability to my standards, so I turned a few jobs down. That probably looked arrogant and irresponsible to the sister and I knew this, but I kept on pushing.

I started working on my business plan to start a business and that fed my ego and hunger to remain independent. I realized that the non profit I wanted to get off the ground could replace my corporate gig, so I dove in head first. I think she was digging that, but I also think that she still wanted me to represent correctly and get a straight job. Thanksgiving came and I was not speaking to my family. It had lasted damn near 6 months and she took a bold step and invited me to her family gathering. I no-showed. I fell into a depressed haze and took my frustrations out on some furniture. I had never been in that place before. I got a few voicemail messages wishing that I dropped dead so I could never ruin a family thanksgiving again. I didn't know that certain people had that much contempt for me. I felt angry and suicidal for the first time in my life and I knew that I could not be around people. I wanted to be with my family, and I could not. I kept my depression and anger at home. That hurt her.

She called me, we talked and I think the weeks after turkey day mended things. I got a chance to spend more time with her and the family and I was in love with the love they had for each other. I think my situations and feelings towards certain things and family turned her off. We went out on Christmas eve and I knew the vibe had changed. We did not spend Christmas together. New Years either. A few days into January I got me walking papers, and I was devastated. I think there was a little too much going on in my life for her and I understand that. To note, I did get back with my family the week of Christmas. I mended fences, spent time and found the missing link to that feeling one gets during the holiday season. I did not get a chance to share that with her.

The phone calls stopped.
Instant messaging was far and few.
I have every text message she ever sent. I even bought a new phone so I could keep the texts intact until I found a way to download them.

She asked me about the gift a few days ago, and I told her I was stalling, I knew that our exchange would probably be our last and I didn't want that. To further the damn situation, I had people begging me not to give her this gift and I got their reasons why in the worst manner. I couldn't get them out of my ear. It became problematic. I want to give this gift to her no matter what has been done and said because I am a man of my word. Nuff said.

But I still love her.
Giving it to her now shows ulterior motive.
Stalling shows weakness.
I don't know what to do or say.

And today is her birthday.

This is so unrepairable.

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My universe is out of alignment. I got shot at, a friend got shot, I fought his girlfriend (okay, fended her off), having hourlong debates with family about a woman I love that isn't that into me causing a family member to think I'm gay, I'm confused about giftgiving and the intent of giving and how it relates to fate, one of my closest friends called me a snitch, my new job sucks and I lost a deposit (temporarily) on a rental car. I need to jack out of the matrix. And fast.

Now that you know a little about me...

I must let you in on what I believe and what I consider 'my truths'.

I also want to let you know how I really feel about things and why.

I also need to come clean and straighten out some things you think you know (and you know who you are) about how I got 'here'

but first... I need some sleep. I've spent my entire weekend in the city dealing with family business. It's damn near 2:30 in the morning and I just walked in the door...

For the first time in my life I am fatigued and confused. I usually know (or at least think I know) how I'm going to handle.

Today, I don't.

Allow me to introduce myself...

My name is Hassan.

I was not always Hassan. I changed my name in 2000 to reflect the man that I am now by studying and obtaining knowledge of self.

Hassan: he who improves and makes himself better
Olumoroti: it is with God that I stand
Ntimbanjayo: noble family

(all three of my chosen nomenclature are of Yoruban selection)

I am still a student of God's commands and Christ's teachings.

I believe in the Creator, his Son, and his prophets.

I am 34 years old.

I am currently re-relocating to Chicago, Illinois (I used to live there).

I am the 2nd child of Debra and the only child of George. I have only spoken to George once (the day before my 8th grade graduation). I have no intention to speak with him at this point.

I have an older brother by 14 months and a younger brother and sister a decade younger. My older brother defers to me, actually telling folks that I am the oldest child. We cannot be in the same room for more than 5 minutes. I love him dearly, but we still fight like we're children, and because we don't really approve of each other's decisions thought process about things. He's a straight up hustler, I take a business approach. We both want the same thing. Financial freedom. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 6 months. That's normal. Not speaking with the rest of my family isn't.

I've never been married.

I have no kids.

I'd like to be a husband and a father in the future, but I do not rush what God has planned for me.

I am a veteran of the armed forces, serving and participating in 2 major conflicts during-non peace times.

I lived outside the US for 3 years.

I have had portions of my right hand, right leg, right knee, (and most recently the bottom of my left foot) head and abdomen either re-stitched, rebuilt or repaired. After losing a few minor bodyparts and having some added, I amazingly still function at 100% with no pain or visible limping.

I am diabetic. I do not take medication for my condition. I monitor it regularly. I am tired of pricking my fingers. I lost over 200 pounds since 1998 because I was scared to be known as the guy that ate himself to death. My diet mostly consists of raw tuna, mixed vegetables, oatmeal, various fruits and juice from a juicing machine. I have raw tuna over cold mixed vegetables 3 times a day damn near every day.

I am a recent vegetarian. I function better as a diabetic without red meat and poultry.

I play 3 instruments. And not well any more.

I speak one and a half languages and have a great overstanding of the Caribbean patois and it's different island variations.

I am an avid reader and information (news) junkie.

I write literary notes, personal memoirs and technical notes daily.

I have this thing I do like John Nash (the subject of the movie "A Brilliant Mind") where I plot, strategize, write and calculate on napkins, brown paper bags and paper scraps, sometimes for hours on end. I have an active analytical mind and I feel the need to get it on paper before my mind moves to it's next invention.

I am a spoken word poet. I am performing my first original piece on 2006 tonight at a spot in my old neighborhood. It's been damn near a year and a half since I blessed the mic on the south side of the Chi... I am a little nervous.

I am a former business owner. I failed miserably at my former businesses. Those older business plans have become templates for my current one.

Every morning I take 2 hours after I wake to meditate and gain focus on the day. I have perfected "ghetto yoga" from watching the "For Dummies" DVD and "Yoga For Regular Guys" series.

I used to be a rapper/performing artist. I also tried my hand at becoming a DJ. I was also a college recruiter, a postal mailhandler, a bank loan officer, a tech support specialist, a telephone installer/repairguy, an IT hardware support analyst, an HVAC technician, a personnel security clerk, a benefits consultant and an executive search recruiter. I also drove an army colonel around for a year and answered his cellphone (I carried his golf clubs too). I studied, trained and got my paper as an electrical engineer, but has never worked as one.

My favorite color is blue. (Obsidian Blue created by Nike for the "Air" shoe lines in 1983 is the boss, baby)

I used to be Republican. Now I revolt.

I think about Desiree and Kris multiple times a day. I really miss my aunt, and I wish I could have been a better friend to Kris.

I am no longer afraid of anything (used to be). Including death.

Speaking of such, I recently contemplated suicide. Luckily, I changed my mind.

I was in a 12 year relationship... Oh, and a 5 year one too.

I carry a digital camera everywhere I go.

I cannot have a one night stand... I believe in soul ties.

it's been more than 150 days since I last had an intimate encounter.

I love Hip Hop and it's sub-cultures. I remember rap lyrics from songs all the way back to Fat Back Ben and The Funky Four Plus One More. I memorized the Busy Bee/Kool Moe Dee battle mixtape as a kid and every now in then in the line at the bank... It comes out.

I believe that I will die before I turn 60. My mind and spirit tells me that I should do everything I can to enjoy what life has to offer right now...

I cannot sleep, and have not since yesterday. I finally crashed after a week of insomnia. It was a week of non sleep before that. I got in the house at 9:30 this morning (NYE party ended @ 6am, and we went to breakfast afterwards) and I can't seem to get to sleep right now (1:24pm Sunday, Jan 1, 2006).

I have never fallen in love in the past. I might be falling now but...