The Worst Thing...

The worst thing you can ever do is get lost in doing for others when you've done nothing for yourself.

-Hassan Ntimbanjayo

Eyes Wide Shut, Superior Silence And The Refusal To Acknowledge

Just as I thought.

A whole lot of talk and no one said anything.


Understand that no one had to say anything to for for me. Religion is the tool used to divide and place fear within the masses. People that look like me have been practicing traditions that aren't native of us. I believe that this is the reason we are so damn destructive towards each other.

I just had hope that certain folk would have the courage to open the door. Obviously, the doors of the church are not open, Neither are their minds or hearts.

You see, because we need to be accepted and validated by folk that look like us as well as those that don't, black folk will continue to go to church, unchallenged and uninspired, blindly following whatever charismatic leader has their heart via their ears. In modern society (just like over history), the messenger gets all of the attention, the message fades away...

Meaning for all of those folk that go to church will never have that conversation. Certain folk will be now seen as the enemy and those that side with them will be buried under mounds of litigation and hearsay, lies and the non speaking of truths.

And folks like me have to live among this foolishness. It's starting to get harder and harder to claim some of y'all.

This is going to be better than pay per view, this fight. Sad, but exciting.

Saturday Supplement: Chuuurch!!!

If tomorrow comes with an announcement and some truths are shared, it would be a great moment that will spur greater moments that will bridge gaps, heal wounds and improve communication not just in the sanctuary, but at dinner tables and water coolers everywhere.

Y'all know what the hell I'm talking about.

I used to go to church. I felt as if I was driven out of church because I never fit the 'mold'.

• I am a free thinker and just can't conform to everydamthing
• I question authority and everything that comes down off the mountain
• I want tradition to meet modern... Best I can explain that
• I am also open minded and socialize and fraternize with every damn body
• I travel and learn as well as bring things back (fact, opinion, more questions) from my journeys

And I also gravitated to the silently outcast, the 'looked down upon' and the weird, bad and somewhat nerdy crowd that wanted to celebrate, participate in the eucharist and worship just like everyone else. We are gay, lesbian, transgender, agnostic, bookworms, odd fashionistas, alternative health nuts, worldly and traveled and open minded to doctrine and scripture other than the bible.

But we still attend the 'Black Church'.

We have never been included in the conversation about church growth, never considered when it came to large decisions about the future of the church and silently suffered right along the side of 'normal' church going folk, but was still asked to volunteer, give financial support, serve on auxiliaries, executive boards, direct the damn choir and some of us even have the mitigated gall to want to lead in ministry, get 'the calling' and be pastor to a flock.

Imagine that.

Because I have had the blessed opportunity to travel and I actually asked questions and got answers, look the way I look and think outside the realm of Judeo-Christian thought, I will never be expected to lead in the 'black church'. Because I have a host of gay friends (and have a few transgendered individuals that I have known for 20 plus years now), there is a stigma that is placed my way.

So much that I no longer associate with, nor attend church period. My people and I have been driven away. I have no intention (because of non-modern doctrine, the current end all-be all belief of this new American traditional religious jazz set by folk OUTSIDE the black church and just plain old ignorance) to ever go back. I love all people and I now OVERSTAND that religion (to me, my opinion) is bullshit. 

That doesn't mean that I don't believe.

BUT...

If a certain person speaks truth to power tomorrow from the pulpit, dialogue can be had and a new beginning can occur in the 'black church'. Inclusion can be had. Forgiveness can be executed in a manner that will cause some of the old, Uncle Ruckus types to balk, but that portion will break off and die anyway.

Some of my people could, over time go back to church and or no longer have to silently suffer.

WATCH THIS!!!

It's up to dude to make the right call and speak on it with thought and regard to nerdy, worldly and well traveled cats like myself but especially my gay, lesbian and transgendered cousins and em' regardless what happened in the past. This is our moment to come together. 

The streets are watching.

And so are the outcasts.

September

I'm very happy that this month finally got here.

August will forever haunt my ass like I've permanently desecrated an gravesite by building a house on it after pissing on headstones.

It has been a difficult year after losing a dear friend. Staring my own mortality in the face after watching a peer pass on is not something I was expecting for another twenty years or so.

I've grown to hate certain people/places/situations during this time. I've also learned to love myself more.

It's hard to not have the urge to extinguish the things that want to hurt me. I really want to lash out and do something but I know that jail isn't quite the right thing for me at this time, and who am I to be judge and jury and regulate what lives or dies?

So I manage. I've documented here in this forum how I've done so, even if my last post was August 6th.

Other than that, I go to work, put in long hours, come home, stare at the ceiling at night because I no longer sleep overnight, get up and do it all over. Today is my off day and guess where I'll be? At work suppressing my thoughts to lash out and finding ways to continue to respect other's lives by not bringing harm to their asses.

I'm not watching much TV these days but I know what's going on. Fucking idiots have a Mormon leading their Jesus following asses, telling to bypass the Christ Messiah and... Never mind. My unit was one of the first to go into Iraq and people are pressing the Prez to thank Jr the Warmonger for the trillion spent and the damn near five thousand that have died over a friggin' lie. From gaming the oil for food program to accessing yellow cake uranium to actually having WMDs... Bold face fucking lies.

And like you're going to do all of them jobs that a certain folk have no problem doing by sending them away? When the grass gets tall, hotel beds never get new bedding, the food on the menu never gets served and the diapers don't get changed... Stupid.

And my brothers, sisters and cousins still can't get off or our asses. We are a bunch of dumb asses. Even I know when the time to strike is.

I hope September brings the change not only in season, but a change in my mentality and outlook on things. I am so ready to shoot this horse before misery brings more people to my house.