Not Yet Free

Hey...

By the time you read this, Wesley Snipes would have been in jail for at least 24 hours on a misdemeanor conviction.






I hope you caught that.



And he's not actually charged with what you think either.




But if I hear one more brother or sister make a joke about this man without doing even a tiny bit of research (cause public trials, minutes and notes of charges and testimony is public record), I'mma smack some damn body.


A misdemeanor charge that gets you 30+ months in a federal prison. If Wesley can get got, imagine what can be done to your stankin' ass!

Imagine that...

When Your Condition Is Conditioned, Where Is Your Sense Of Duty?

I'm being kept away from blogging because of stuff I've been into.

These past few days commemorates the Tulsa Race Riots of 1921 of which I have a vested interest in. It seems that there were family and friend's family that were a part of what we call 'Black Wall Street'. I'm sure you've heard of it, and I'm sure you have heard or have studied in history the destruction and whitewashing of this and other incidents in American history. For those not in the know, let me give you a little Wiki on it:



The Tulsa race riot was a large-scale racially motivated conflict between the white and black communities of Tulsa, Oklahoma, including aerial attack, beginning May 31, 1921. During the 16 hours of the assault, over 800 people were admitted to local hospitals with injuries,more than 6000 Greenwood residents were arrested and detained in a prison camp, an estimated 10,000 were left homeless, and 35 city blocks composed of 1,256 residences were destroyed by fire caused by bombing.

The Tulsa race riot occurred in the racially and politically tense atmosphere of northeastern Oklahoma, some of which was a growing hotbed of anti-black sentiment at that time. The Ku Klux Klan made its first major appearance in Oklahoma on August 12, 1921,[1] less than three months after the riot.


As in several other states and territories during the early years of the twentieth century, lynchings were not uncommon in Oklahoma. Between the declaration of statehood on November 16, 1907, and the Tulsa race riot some thirteen years later, thirty-one individuals — twenty-six of whom were black — were lynched in Oklahoma. During the twenty years following the riot, the number of lynchings statewide fell to two.

The Greenwood section of Tulsa was home to a commercial district so prosperous it was known as "the Negro Wall Street" (now commonly referred to as "the Black Wall Street"). Ironically, the economic enclaves here and elsewhere — bounded and supported by racial separation — supported prosperity and capital formation within the community. In the surrounding areas of northeastern Oklahoma, blacks also enjoyed relative prosperity and participated in the oil boom.


Certain folk didn't like that property, so they destroyed it with little to no retaliation.

Wikipedia







Right now I'm in Tulsa, OK and I've been around town talking to folks about what kind of legacy the 1920 race riots have left us with. It's strange because not a lot of people talk about it. Now you see that I didn't say that folk either liked or didn't like to talk about it, I just stated that they aren't talking. Most folk here feel that there isn't much to talk about.

So much to the point that the newspaper that initially reported about this has absolutely NOTHING in their archives. Period.

So much that citizens either black, white or native under 40 act like they know nothing of the largest and most destructive race riot in America's history.

So much that North Tulsa still doesn't have shops, bodegas, providers of goods and services or resources in the entire area affected 70 years ago (Save for one grocery store and one bank).

So much that no one addresses the isolation and desolation that North Tulsa has.


Hey y'all, I'm from Chicago and I am not used to this shit. There isn't even an ounce or inkling of agitation due to the aftermath of what happened here this time 70 years ago. And in the heart of my research of the riots, support of my uncle, who is the city councilman for this district the past 8 years, my support and funds raised for multiple non-profits in Chicago, my mentoring and tutoring, there were questions raised about my commitment and action when I expressed outrage over the amount of gun violence Chicago suffered this past Memorial Day Weekend on facebook Monday.

I grow so tired of the finger pointers and talkers just pointing and yapping about what's going on without putting in work to ease our self-destruction. Inactivity is even more destructive than the folk, scenarios and situations set up to actually destroy.

An old chum from high school just took to the streets of the Englewood district of Chicago (South Side, shawty!) with his program and just like my brothers, sisters and I do, he walks up to the so-called gang bangers and dope dealers and addresses the concerns that some neighborhood residents have about their commitment to either the game or the advancement of our people. Brother had cameramen to document names, faces and responses. Along with looking out for these kids thru mentoring, after school activities & programs, scholarships and job training, this is how we do.

I'm hanging out in Tulsa for the summer to make sure folk my age and younger actively participate and are in the know of my uncle's platform. I just ran into one of the most dynamic young graphic artists Oklahoma has to offer and he will help us create a viable and informative web presence during this summer campaign. We're looking to facebookize and twitterfy my uncle as well, we had over 100 elders show up to a town hall meeting Unc had a couple of weeks ago and I am excited to have been invited to be a part of the team that will put the 2.0 stamp on my uncle and his platform.

I just wish others had the energy and motivation to come out of the house and actively participate. What in the hell are YOU doing to speak truth to power and following that up with duty in your responsibility to help us as humanity edge forward?

I ain't never scared. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty. The ignorant and criminal do not scare me. I come from that environment, I am not a product of it.

I now head to Chicago to be at my mother's side as she observes with the rest of us the condition of my step-dad, who had another heart attack damn near one year to the week of his last one.

Your work is never done, regardless of what condition you're in or what conditions you choose to live.




.

'Starting Over From Zero' - Hassan's Plight

I, Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo hear by say will all willfulness and with a sound mind that I am afraid to branch out (with all of the traveling I've been doing) and start from zero.

Again.

I absolutely hate the fact that i have to build things from the ground up once again in my life. I don't want the big screen TV (it's only 60Hz, I need 240Hz... You know why). I don't want the sofa. Okay, I might want the king sized Ikea Malm bedroom joints with the Tempurpedic jawn because that som'bitch feels guuuuud.

I will need my personal effects and other stuff, but other than that I think I'm good. I can afford new trinkets (and even more after the Six Sigma cert), but its time to be a lil' more basic and enjoy more open space. It's time to build a home once again. The house of cards I've lived in the past couple of years is waterlogged at least. I refuse to step in a weak point in the floor and fall halfway through only to get stuck and have the cards dry with me in it.

What in the hell is he talking about?

Very, very soon I will select a new city that i will call home. It will have to be a place where culture rules and personal politics amongst my friends will be at a minimum. It will also have to have rich soil and access to an international airport. The ability to connect with Corporate America is a must have and I need some space to roam, possible on a lawn tractor if I wanna.

Snow during winter months is not an option.

I will need to be able to ride this place out until the adventure calls for more space (sandboxes and swings) or I decide to retire and can get lost in the urban shuffle. And last but certainly not least, I need to be someplace my so-called family doesn't want to travel to for any reason.

I'm still scared though.

Some of y'all scare me... With intent.

I strategige in these moments... In the middle of the night, wondering who will have my stankin' ass after all of my errs, misdeeds and miscalculations.

Starting over from zero is hard. Don't ask me why I'm doing this either. I hear re-invention is a good thing. For some. Lord I hope and pray one of those folk is me.

An Ode To A Lollipop

You would have thought by now that I would have said something...

Nah...



To be honest, there isn't anything that damn interesting going on right now to actually speak on. To be perfectly honest, right now my health is the most important thing for me, and to be completely honest I'm failing in that department. But don't worry, the Creator has a master plan, so I'm fine.

I do find it peculiar that the same folks that defended Dear Leader are the ones tearing him down right now. As a former member of the intelligence community, I totally overstand what has been done, why and why it is to be this way. Shame, the same folk that needed a long form birth certificate were dancing in the streets after a death announcement, just like their so-called enemy.

I also have complete and utter doubt in supporters of our Dear Leader. The time for gossip, rumors and innuendo are over. I am ashamed to even have affiliation with those that live on hearsay when we live in the 24 hour news cycle as well as having access to bloggers, You Tubers and the like as close as their always-on cell phones to get real and pertinent info... They doubt the individual and blindly follow the news agencies.

Sheeple. That's what they are.

I've even seen a fake-ass Martin Luther King quote go round the email, Facebook and even the Blogger circuit. Everybody seems to be an expert because they have a Twitter account. It's funny, those closest to me never even asked my opinion, AND I WAS OVER THERE!!! I conducted background investigations and processed info to have DoD grant security clearances to those worthy of our nation's trust. That's all I can say. Those in my circle know that I've seen shit. On purpose. They don't have to know what and I'll never say, but do know this: Most of the stuff y'all think you know you never will.

And that info still ain't going to help you get a better job.
It has nothing to do with oil speculation overcharging by OPEC for fossil fuel
You've been so distracted that prices for processed foods are equal or exceed that of organic
Foreclosures are still happening because the rent is TOO DAMN HIGH!

These happenings aren't meant to be distractions. The current administration has a job to do. Don't let the rumors of rumors keep your attention away from what's really going on. Or birth certificates. Or who demands them. I feel like one of the few out there actually focusing on what really matters. I should feel shame and disgust for those that waste their time on non-essential things. I'll just wait until my people have that 'aha' moment and realize while they were in a daze where their time, effort, emotions and money went.

Your kids need you.
Your mama is calling.
Your health, wealth and knowledge of self is wavering.

And your ass is worried about long form birth certificates and the status of a dead man.



Suckers.

Sorry about my infrequent posts.

I look okay, but I haven't been well. I've been dealing with the reality Post Concussion Syndrome throws at you. I have a healthy respect for head injuries and brain damage these days. I thought it would go away. I thought I would be ready to get back into the swing of things, but no.

I ain't ready.

Most of my days are hazy, where time slips away and I forget both big and little things. The headaches are still there as well as the eye pain due to sensitivity to light. I've cried myself to sleep damn near every night. The vision is still blurry and double... Like someone superimposed the world over itself and moved the one in the rear over to the left. I've had a few seizures. I spend most of the day hiding from the sunlight. I'm depressed. I want to do better, so I've hopped in my car (not recommended by the doctors for obvious reasons) and I try to get my driving skills back to standard. I have to. I've figured out that riding with folks is a serious no-no for me. I'd rather push hard to stay between the white lines to drag myself places rather than hearing people talking shit. Noise sets me off. The phone always rings, and that shit makes my ass hairs twitch.


No reason to complain though. I'll post something crazy on either Twitter of Facebook to distract me from the bullshit ways I feel most times. The neurologist and neurosurgeon cannot touch my neck or back, I haven't been treated for that yet. My endocrinologist called me to remind me that my kidneys still need tending to. To say that I'm in a bad spot is an understatement. I figure that one day while out experimenting with my new style of driving (one eye, head cocked to the side, anti-glare glasses over my prescripts) maybe a fellow trucker will do me the honor of plowing into my ass and putting me out of my misery.

Don't feel sorry for me either. Just try not to fall and suffer a closed head injury.

The only thing that burns my ass about my current situation is that I made the critical mistake to extend myself and depend on one person to assist and that person left me high and dry and talked shit to my face to boot.

The crazy thing is... Folks I know demand things of me that I haven't even given thought to. From love to finance, even helping someone pack and move... I want to get well, I want to be able to do regular shit but... I don't get the chance to heal. People see or talk to me and think that I'm good enough to give into whatever the hell they want and can't understand that I'm failing inside literally and figuratively right now. I deal with so much selfishness and bullshit to the point where I hope that I never heal.

So I got people that wish me well to my face actually harboring anger in my direction because they don't get what they want out of me, whatever that is. I do have a plan though.

I made the mistake of checking out of the hospital without addressing my organ failure. Yeah, the rest of my body just can't be ignored. I plan on heading back south and checking myself into a rehab facility so I can get my shit together.



A mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste... Try to keep yours.



.

Steele Here?

This is even funnier:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Michael Steele Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> The Daily Show on  Facebook See what you'll be missing in the future RNC? Someone who gets it and isn't afraid to go where needed to win hearts, minds and votes, even in the face or ridicule. You can never have either my ear or my vote. Don't worry though... I hate Democrats too. .

Former Puppet Michael Steele

I like Michael Steele. He says funny things.

He puts his foot in his mouth towing the party line, only because he loves the principles. He lives by them. He is a genuine conservative. Its just during the past two years as party chairman, no one in has ever taken him seriously.

Shame. He said some things for the sake of the party that had him ridiculed, ostracized and outcast. Looks like he'll get the last laugh though.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Michael Steele Pt. 2
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog</a> The Daily Show on Facebook

This guy is funny!

January - How I Spent The First Thirty One Days Of 2011

Damn, has it been a month since I've put anything here? Funny how time passes. The operative word here is HOW, not funny.

I had no plans on this being my first post of 2011, in fact I felt I had a lot to contribute. A month ago during the last days of 2010, progressive minded folk were reveling in the triumphs of the so-called 'lame duck' session of congress for getting a bunch of bills passed due to having strength in numbers partywise. Most of us common folk were flat out exhausted and was just glad that we made it to the end of another year. Some counted our money (or the little that we had), while others counted our blessings. Me, I just kept it moving, not knowing that a greater deal of change was waiting for me in  the first thirty one days of 2011 that I could ever expect.

On Saturday morning January 8, I slipped and fell, landing (more like crashing) squarely on the back of my head. I remember the fall in as vivid a detail as I can, this memory to stain my mental rolodex to be played over more than other hurtful memories, death or other tragic moment I had been a part of, and there had been a few of those moments randomly rambling around in my 40 year of mind.

I remember the fall, I heard the crashing noise of bone and gristle coming together violently from the back of my head and neck and I remember the pain as well as the incredible flash of light that I saw as I hit the floor. Somehow, two hundred and forty-six pounds upended itself and landed on its smallest point, its most delicate spot and I was in a heap of trouble.

Not only did I black out and lose time, I didn't bleed. I would have been better off if like Bernic Mac used to say I would have 'busted my head open to the white meat' but alas, I did not meaning that all of the damage I was to suffer would be internal. The latter is always worse than the former.

I was taken by ambulance to a great hospital and it took more than a week or so in ICU to get me to the point where I would be released into assisted care. I had suffered a subdural hematoma as a result in my fall causing my motor skills, eyesight, equilibrium, sensitivity to light to be limited and for me to have serious, severe headaches. Even my walking has been compromised. As I sit and compose this right now I am in the dark, holding my head about 4 inches from my computer screen with my right eye and speaking into the mic, utilizing dictation software I bought myself some time ago to help with my writing when I wanted to be lazy. I hadn't used it much in the past, but it has been a Godsend for me now, Facebook, Twitter and such.

Every day since my hospital release, I've been trying all kinds of rehab techniques to get back to normal. I have a neurologist and neurosurgeon that I work closely with as well as rehab techs that are helping me get back as close to normal as possible. I have assistance at home, have access to the passenger seat of my car and have a want for nothing at this moment. With time and continued care, I should be close to the way I was physically and mentally. I wanted folks to know this because one of the things I didn't do in that last week of 2010 was take stock of what I had in blessings and people outside of the sacred circle who care.

For the most part, I know that this is workplace fodder. I am cubicle entertainment for most on most days.

I positioned myself as a man alone late last year because I knew of my health decline due to Chronic kidney Disease and Diabetes a early as late summer. There were folks around me at that time that said that the loved and cared for me but spent more time questioning themselves and their purpose, and that made me suspicious and nervous. I spent most of 2010 in some kind of weird, bad teaching mode, giving more of myself when I should have opened myself to receiving in order to heal. Earlier last year, I closed myself in and had given a lot of my space to try to maintain balance inside of a negative equity position spiritually just to be around some folk.

Bad idea.

Sometimes, you surround yourself with an odd band of yes people, folks that will say or do anything to have a piece of what you have but don't yet know how to do anything in offering even a bit of equitable return. Some folk are still on their path of finding who they want to be and it's damn imperative that A-alikes be alike. I cleaned house and distanced myself from folk that needed me to do for them when I most times I spiritually couldn't even do for myself.

As I did this, it was easier for me turn to the folks that have been by my side in the past couple of weeks. It has been quiet, drama free and I have been able to heal and rehab without distraction. It hurts a little because some people really mean well, but...

I never gave thought to head injuries and the results of actually folks that suffering through this agonizing process, in fact, I had not respect for them.I could have died from this event, but I came out with a few scars, and now the influence of the folk I chose to keep in my inner circle will pay off in their assistance in helping me heal.

How have you spent your first thirty one days in this new year?

Have A LadyLee New Year!!!

I thought I had the capacity to blog with regularity, and then...

I didn't.




Same stuff, too much to do and not enough time. I thought I would type something here, not because it's the last day of the year, it's just that I wanted to express something. I still don't know what that something is. Yet.

Looking back at the past 12 months, I can say that for the most part I put my head down and worked on relocating by building up some moolah, which I did. That's it. Nothing else of major interest has come up. The fact that I got sick and shortened my lifespan wasn't really that major. It's just a reflection of poor habits.

I go off and on with my vegetarianism, and I like alcohol. Lots of it. So I get what I deserve. No problem with that.

I do want to give a special X-Clan type, vaaaaaanglorious shout out to someone that cared and looked out for me this year. From check-ins, keeping me in prayer to actually sending me herbs, I want to thank my BlogSister The Original Oldgirl LadyLee for just being you.

THANK YOU!!! I LOVE YOU SIS!!!

I know that you constantly keep me in prayer and give a damn about my health and well being. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty for lil ol' me, and I have no words on how that makes me feel going through my transition.

I have no clue what the new year brings... I have no clue what condition I'll be in and where I'll convalesce... I do know that the bayou is what I like as far as my surroundings and this is a great place to rest, recover and live as well. There are of course more folk than just Lee in my life that care and are helping me heal, I just wanted to single out the Oldgirl for just doing what she do.

I'm just thankful that I got people, few as they are...

Other than that, there's a local radio personality that said something the other day about entering the new year:

Spend the first six months of the new year minding your own business, the other six months staying out of others...

Nuff said.

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

I got a phone call from my older brother yesterday. Out. Of. The. Blue. Didn't even know he had my number. Neither did he.

I haven't spoken to this cat since June.

We talk about general stuff for the first five minutes and then he tells me that Mother is going senile. Haven't spoken to her since July. It was her birthday yesterday. He wondered if I called. I didn't.

After further conversation, big brother revealed that folks were hoping that I would revert back to the old me, dissociated from the perverted world that had me claiming myself as a non-christian and come to my senses and celebrate and rejoice in the upcoming birth of our lord and savior.

Barack Obama?

He laughed and then joked that little brother asked him to call. We haven't spoken since the 4th of July.

Notice a pattern here?

And then he joked: "What the fuck is wrong is you? You need a kidney or something?"

I then asked him to go to the VA hospital and identify himself as next of kin and to request the test to see if he could be a donor match.

*crickets*

He then threw another joke at me about coming up with $250,000 to make that happen.

The conversation then went askew towards other things. He wanted to know how I was dealing with life in general. He asked me about my quality of life. I answered honestly, wished him a happy belated 40-something like a birthday (something I never do) and then told him that it hurts every damn day to be me.

We then set up an appointment for him to get over to the VA and get tested.

This mutha fucker has never done anything for me. EVAR. Even though we might not be a match, I was brought to vaklemptness for big brothaman to at least come in and give it a shot.

Humbled, shocked and thrown for a loop. 

He had to swear to not tell anyone else in my family in order to set the appointment next week. We ended the call with me saluting him for just having the nerve and him telling me that he wouldn't try to hit me up for a quarter mil.

He said he could get down for about ten thousand.

Festivus... For The Rest Of Us

 "Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated... For now."

This is my airing of grievances, according to the guidelines of Festivus.



Look that up. My brother hipped me onto it during Sienfeld's run. The simplicity and odd-ball-ness had me intrigued after watching the Festivus episode. It's not that I never paid attention to Sienfeld before the finale (and subsequent reruns), it's just that I am probably the only Spiritually Grounded Atheist/Agnostic Sci-Fi Supporting Skeptic you'll ever know. Festivus gives me something to play ritual to, just like everyone else.

Odd that I have no other grievances to air, especially in this politically charged economic downturn of a climate.

Where in the hell have I been? Working. Plotting. Managing my time.

A couple of months ago, I found out that I need extensive work done under the hood, but because I'm not an automobile, some of that basic routine stuff that needs to be done will cause me to slow to a stop earlier than most. So I decided to manage my time a bit better and that meant limited blogging, working longer hours during the warmer months so I could have the opportunity to do a few things before I'm physically unable to do that stuff during the cooler ones.

And plus, I don't have that much to say these days. It is kind of cool to watch how things play out.

I think I want to use blogging at this point as more of a journaling tool as to what happens to me. I know, I know it seems like I'm talking in code but come back more often. I promise I will be more direct. I think I need y'all to see how things play out for me. I've always wanted to explore the concept of ars moriendi from a distance but...

I pray for the right amount of time, healing and understanding of my method of madness to take place so I can get a chance to do a lot of the stuff I promised myself and others that I'd do.

So I'm switching up the blog a bit. More observational stuff as it pertains to life processes and less ranting and complaining about stuff that doesn't reach so far down the rabbit hole to affect me.

I do promise to keep this place very disjointed and kind of weird in the upcoming days/weeks/months. Until then, there are always things like Festivus that I can get into and actively participate with limited energy. I still respect your faith, traditions and all that you do in this shared festival season, but...

I gotta erect my Festivus Pole!




Tomorrow: The Feats Of Strength!!!

Oh, Maker

I hear the drizzle of the rain

It's falling from my window

And in the corners of my mind

I hope that I'll get to see you again.

La da die da die da die da die my friend 

I heard the colors in the flowers

Just like the candle snugged at dawn

You're here, you're near, you're there and then you're gone

La da die da die da die da die 

Suffering in sinking sand 

All the hurt

See I'm really lost baby 

We suffered a rare, rare blue

So much hurt

On this earth 

But you loved me

And I really dared to love you too

Perhaps what I mean to say is 

Is that it's amazing that your love was mine 

Oh, Maker tell me did you know 

This love would burn so yellow 

Becoming orange and in its time 

Explode from grey to black then bloody wine

La da die da die da die da die 

Oh, Maker have you ever loved? 

Or known just what it was? 

I can't imagine the bitter end 

Of all the beauty that we're living in? 

Suffering in sinking sand 

All the hurt See I'm really lost baby 

We suffered a rare, rare blue 

So much hurt 

On this earth But you loved me 

And I really dared to love you too 

Perhaps what I mean to say is

Is that it's amazing that your love was miine

Lost inside a lonely world

where lovers pay the price.

Barely get the sound of music

to love and go dance to.

Now, it's time for us to go

and no one ever has to know

your love was in my pocket

and your eyes, eyes are in my, my soul....

No one will know it but me...

- J. Robinson

Gone

You get lost in other people's misery and confusion...
You find a way out. Even when they hold you down in it.

You just grab some of your shit, get up and go.

This is the point when you're at your lowest.
It ends up being the best time to start over, but our training
gives us that blanket of fear that prevents us from ever
applying for a passport.

If you don't break out now, you'll never know.
You'll end up the pushover victim of every one's unrealistic
expectations of you.

They'll even make you think that something is wrong with you...
Just to get from you what they want.

And that is some sick, lonely shit.

And selfish.
And uncaring.

So just go.



They won't really miss you because they never really wanted the you that you know.

It's only you.
But you love you...


Right?

Then its nothing for you to love yourself enough
To get the fuck up and just get into the wind.
Let it blow you away.




Go.

Get lost in yourself.
Eventually you will figure it out

That the misery and suffering had been brought on by you refusing to go.

2010 HassanOlumorotiNtimbanjayo

The Rent Has Been Too Damn High For A While Now...

I can't believe that its been more than a month since I've posted something on my blog.

To be honest about it, I haven't abandoned BWB, its just that... I've been busy. Unfortunately, I haven't been busy doing anything that I want to do. And that sucks ass. If anyone that reads me now that read me back in the day, then you know how I feel about participating in the matrix that we call the rat race. It is not for people such as myself, even though I benefit from certain aspects of it. Like owning web sites that make me a couple of bucks...

Never mind.

I'm not mad or angry or depressed. Some of you have asked me via email and offline and I haven't responded. On purpose. No need to respond. Nothing doing over here. I subscribe to what many o' grandmothers have told many of us a many of times: If you have nothing good to say, then say nothing at all.

I'm exercising that right. Hard for a blogger to do but...

I'm still wondering why it irks the fuck out of some of y'all, me not saying anything. When I was complaining about the socio-political landscape, I got a lot of grief (and rightfully so, we're all entitled to our opinion), when I gave my sideways commentary on the state of 'us', there were journalists (both real and blogger - there is a difference) that contacted me to go on record about current happenings... Nope, not going to do it. That's what the blog is for.

It's just seems that when I hollered about something, folk tried to shut me down and now... Oh boy tomorrow! A bunch of folk that have EVERYTHING, pissed that they must serve under this mysterious, secretive plotting black dude and his minions (even though we already have for 2 years now and I still haven't seen the stormtroopers hit the streets) will attempt to change the political landscape without one poly-sci class under their belt.

You can run for whatever office you want, this is a free nation BUT... Read a book and study about shit first. We all have realized through life experiences that when we make emotional decisions...

Fuck you! Don't tread on ME!!!

Tune in to any network tomorrow, you'll see what I mean. And I hope you vote. Bullshit needs an equalizer.

Anyhoo, the last few weeks have been a blur. It's hard to be engaged when you're not sleeping, running back and forth to hospitals and trying to relocate as well as care for things you still have working in your current location in attempts to move and pay it forward. Mostly, I've just been nodding my head (even if I don't agree), gathering info and dealing with a myriad of unrealistic demands placed on me. I've learned to prioritize though. That seems to be working.

It's still hard though, observing people who have shit complain about how they can't function within the shit they have. And it's not like they don't realize that they have a ton of shit! They just want others to ignore their own personal shit to deal with the shit they have because somehow, their shit is more important.

And that's a bunch of bullshit.

We live in a very lazy nation where most wealth (heal, wealth and knowledge of self) is inherited. We also live in a place where people from other places are very eager to do what we don't want to do. We're also still a very privileged nation. I guess our SUVs, big TVs and Playstation-Wiis take priority over who we be.

Protest requires walking. That means you don't spend $3 a gallon of gas to get to the town square.

Whatever, man.

Most people are ridiculous in how they spoil themselves and turn around and complain when you spoil yourself (even if you're not)... Because at that moment, you ain't paying attention to them.

Same shit, different day with not room for self improvement.

I just try to live outside of all of that bullshit. That mostly makes me silent.

The Worst Thing...

The worst thing you can ever do is get lost in doing for others when you've done nothing for yourself.

-Hassan Ntimbanjayo

Eyes Wide Shut, Superior Silence And The Refusal To Acknowledge

Just as I thought.

A whole lot of talk and no one said anything.


Understand that no one had to say anything to for for me. Religion is the tool used to divide and place fear within the masses. People that look like me have been practicing traditions that aren't native of us. I believe that this is the reason we are so damn destructive towards each other.

I just had hope that certain folk would have the courage to open the door. Obviously, the doors of the church are not open, Neither are their minds or hearts.

You see, because we need to be accepted and validated by folk that look like us as well as those that don't, black folk will continue to go to church, unchallenged and uninspired, blindly following whatever charismatic leader has their heart via their ears. In modern society (just like over history), the messenger gets all of the attention, the message fades away...

Meaning for all of those folk that go to church will never have that conversation. Certain folk will be now seen as the enemy and those that side with them will be buried under mounds of litigation and hearsay, lies and the non speaking of truths.

And folks like me have to live among this foolishness. It's starting to get harder and harder to claim some of y'all.

This is going to be better than pay per view, this fight. Sad, but exciting.

Saturday Supplement: Chuuurch!!!

If tomorrow comes with an announcement and some truths are shared, it would be a great moment that will spur greater moments that will bridge gaps, heal wounds and improve communication not just in the sanctuary, but at dinner tables and water coolers everywhere.

Y'all know what the hell I'm talking about.

I used to go to church. I felt as if I was driven out of church because I never fit the 'mold'.

• I am a free thinker and just can't conform to everydamthing
• I question authority and everything that comes down off the mountain
• I want tradition to meet modern... Best I can explain that
• I am also open minded and socialize and fraternize with every damn body
• I travel and learn as well as bring things back (fact, opinion, more questions) from my journeys

And I also gravitated to the silently outcast, the 'looked down upon' and the weird, bad and somewhat nerdy crowd that wanted to celebrate, participate in the eucharist and worship just like everyone else. We are gay, lesbian, transgender, agnostic, bookworms, odd fashionistas, alternative health nuts, worldly and traveled and open minded to doctrine and scripture other than the bible.

But we still attend the 'Black Church'.

We have never been included in the conversation about church growth, never considered when it came to large decisions about the future of the church and silently suffered right along the side of 'normal' church going folk, but was still asked to volunteer, give financial support, serve on auxiliaries, executive boards, direct the damn choir and some of us even have the mitigated gall to want to lead in ministry, get 'the calling' and be pastor to a flock.

Imagine that.

Because I have had the blessed opportunity to travel and I actually asked questions and got answers, look the way I look and think outside the realm of Judeo-Christian thought, I will never be expected to lead in the 'black church'. Because I have a host of gay friends (and have a few transgendered individuals that I have known for 20 plus years now), there is a stigma that is placed my way.

So much that I no longer associate with, nor attend church period. My people and I have been driven away. I have no intention (because of non-modern doctrine, the current end all-be all belief of this new American traditional religious jazz set by folk OUTSIDE the black church and just plain old ignorance) to ever go back. I love all people and I now OVERSTAND that religion (to me, my opinion) is bullshit. 

That doesn't mean that I don't believe.

BUT...

If a certain person speaks truth to power tomorrow from the pulpit, dialogue can be had and a new beginning can occur in the 'black church'. Inclusion can be had. Forgiveness can be executed in a manner that will cause some of the old, Uncle Ruckus types to balk, but that portion will break off and die anyway.

Some of my people could, over time go back to church and or no longer have to silently suffer.

WATCH THIS!!!

It's up to dude to make the right call and speak on it with thought and regard to nerdy, worldly and well traveled cats like myself but especially my gay, lesbian and transgendered cousins and em' regardless what happened in the past. This is our moment to come together. 

The streets are watching.

And so are the outcasts.

September

I'm very happy that this month finally got here.

August will forever haunt my ass like I've permanently desecrated an gravesite by building a house on it after pissing on headstones.

It has been a difficult year after losing a dear friend. Staring my own mortality in the face after watching a peer pass on is not something I was expecting for another twenty years or so.

I've grown to hate certain people/places/situations during this time. I've also learned to love myself more.

It's hard to not have the urge to extinguish the things that want to hurt me. I really want to lash out and do something but I know that jail isn't quite the right thing for me at this time, and who am I to be judge and jury and regulate what lives or dies?

So I manage. I've documented here in this forum how I've done so, even if my last post was August 6th.

Other than that, I go to work, put in long hours, come home, stare at the ceiling at night because I no longer sleep overnight, get up and do it all over. Today is my off day and guess where I'll be? At work suppressing my thoughts to lash out and finding ways to continue to respect other's lives by not bringing harm to their asses.

I'm not watching much TV these days but I know what's going on. Fucking idiots have a Mormon leading their Jesus following asses, telling to bypass the Christ Messiah and... Never mind. My unit was one of the first to go into Iraq and people are pressing the Prez to thank Jr the Warmonger for the trillion spent and the damn near five thousand that have died over a friggin' lie. From gaming the oil for food program to accessing yellow cake uranium to actually having WMDs... Bold face fucking lies.

And like you're going to do all of them jobs that a certain folk have no problem doing by sending them away? When the grass gets tall, hotel beds never get new bedding, the food on the menu never gets served and the diapers don't get changed... Stupid.

And my brothers, sisters and cousins still can't get off or our asses. We are a bunch of dumb asses. Even I know when the time to strike is.

I hope September brings the change not only in season, but a change in my mentality and outlook on things. I am so ready to shoot this horse before misery brings more people to my house.

Expectations

You know what's funny? When you become the sheer hindarance to your own progression.




I am fine. I am enjoying myself and life as well. Don't let that last post motivate you to be concerned over lil old me OR start finger wagging. I have yet to have regret about any decision I've made.



Another thing... I have always told you the truth. Now I may not have always told you the indepth story bout thangs, but I have yet to lie to you, the dear reader.



So when my wife just blurted out that I 'told the world that I was an alcoholic' I had to correct her. First, I've covered my love affair with liquor many times here on this forum. So to quote myself, I specified that I was STILL an alcoholic.



Still.



That's not a lie.
I'm not judging. I also don't see the concern from the recent or distant past form anyone as well. Either you're with me or against me here, I don't plan on judging folks or giving the side eye on what they do. I expect the same treatment.



Expectations are bullshit though.



For the first time in my life I am having fun because I have finally learned not to expect anything from any one.



I can only believe in me.



Especially when people tell you that they 'just took life off for a while'.



And you just expect me to sit and take the weight?



Nope.



I am going to enjoy myself with no regard like I'm doing right about now.



Talk about crashing and burning.

Drinking Myself To Death

My name is Hassan, and I am still an alcoholic.

I secretly drank very heavily back in 2007 and I see that I'm matching an/or exceeding my output in 2010. There is no real reason for my drinking like back when I was in Houston, everything is calm and cool.

I'm still good with my eating discipline, I just have the urge to drink a certain amount of alcohol to provide stimulation or satiation. There is no trigger, I just love the taste, the feel and the vibe I get when I overdrink.

Drinking without meat flooding my colon is much more hazardous that a few years ago when I was a taco eating, burrito munching bloke.

I think I'm on my way to drinking myself to death.

I think it's the most perfect way for me to end all of this.

I don't want to stop drinking. I'm hedging my bets on leaving this realm in this manner.

I think its fitting. Hell, I'm drinking right now.