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Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Monday, January 31, 2011

January - How I Spent The First Thirty One Days Of 2011

Damn, has it been a month since I've put anything here? Funny how time passes. The operative word here is HOW, not funny.

I had no plans on this being my first post of 2011, in fact I felt I had a lot to contribute. A month ago during the last days of 2010, progressive minded folk were reveling in the triumphs of the so-called 'lame duck' session of congress for getting a bunch of bills passed due to having strength in numbers partywise. Most of us common folk were flat out exhausted and was just glad that we made it to the end of another year. Some counted our money (or the little that we had), while others counted our blessings. Me, I just kept it moving, not knowing that a greater deal of change was waiting for me in  the first thirty one days of 2011 that I could ever expect.

On Saturday morning January 8, I slipped and fell, landing (more like crashing) squarely on the back of my head. I remember the fall in as vivid a detail as I can, this memory to stain my mental rolodex to be played over more than other hurtful memories, death or other tragic moment I had been a part of, and there had been a few of those moments randomly rambling around in my 40 year of mind.

I remember the fall, I heard the crashing noise of bone and gristle coming together violently from the back of my head and neck and I remember the pain as well as the incredible flash of light that I saw as I hit the floor. Somehow, two hundred and forty-six pounds upended itself and landed on its smallest point, its most delicate spot and I was in a heap of trouble.

Not only did I black out and lose time, I didn't bleed. I would have been better off if like Bernic Mac used to say I would have 'busted my head open to the white meat' but alas, I did not meaning that all of the damage I was to suffer would be internal. The latter is always worse than the former.

I was taken by ambulance to a great hospital and it took more than a week or so in ICU to get me to the point where I would be released into assisted care. I had suffered a subdural hematoma as a result in my fall causing my motor skills, eyesight, equilibrium, sensitivity to light to be limited and for me to have serious, severe headaches. Even my walking has been compromised. As I sit and compose this right now I am in the dark, holding my head about 4 inches from my computer screen with my right eye and speaking into the mic, utilizing dictation software I bought myself some time ago to help with my writing when I wanted to be lazy. I hadn't used it much in the past, but it has been a Godsend for me now, Facebook, Twitter and such.

Every day since my hospital release, I've been trying all kinds of rehab techniques to get back to normal. I have a neurologist and neurosurgeon that I work closely with as well as rehab techs that are helping me get back as close to normal as possible. I have assistance at home, have access to the passenger seat of my car and have a want for nothing at this moment. With time and continued care, I should be close to the way I was physically and mentally. I wanted folks to know this because one of the things I didn't do in that last week of 2010 was take stock of what I had in blessings and people outside of the sacred circle who care.

For the most part, I know that this is workplace fodder. I am cubicle entertainment for most on most days.

I positioned myself as a man alone late last year because I knew of my health decline due to Chronic kidney Disease and Diabetes a early as late summer. There were folks around me at that time that said that the loved and cared for me but spent more time questioning themselves and their purpose, and that made me suspicious and nervous. I spent most of 2010 in some kind of weird, bad teaching mode, giving more of myself when I should have opened myself to receiving in order to heal. Earlier last year, I closed myself in and had given a lot of my space to try to maintain balance inside of a negative equity position spiritually just to be around some folk.

Bad idea.

Sometimes, you surround yourself with an odd band of yes people, folks that will say or do anything to have a piece of what you have but don't yet know how to do anything in offering even a bit of equitable return. Some folk are still on their path of finding who they want to be and it's damn imperative that A-alikes be alike. I cleaned house and distanced myself from folk that needed me to do for them when I most times I spiritually couldn't even do for myself.

As I did this, it was easier for me turn to the folks that have been by my side in the past couple of weeks. It has been quiet, drama free and I have been able to heal and rehab without distraction. It hurts a little because some people really mean well, but...

I never gave thought to head injuries and the results of actually folks that suffering through this agonizing process, in fact, I had not respect for them.I could have died from this event, but I came out with a few scars, and now the influence of the folk I chose to keep in my inner circle will pay off in their assistance in helping me heal.

How have you spent your first thirty one days in this new year?