Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Nothing today

Munch on that... I have no post today. Just pray for the family on the day a decision must be made. If you read here before about grandma, then you know what's up.

Pray for us all.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

My Last 24

Verse One (AKA The Free-Dome Child) asks:
If you knew, what would you do with your last 24 hours

Hassan Says:
What would I do with my last 24 hours....
Well shit... Let me think

To be honest, I wouldn't tell anyone, try to get a plane ticket or something under a pseudonym and get as far away as possible. I wouldn't clean anything up or rearrange stuff like I eluded to in a previous post, I'd just leave. I'd probably cut my hair and shave and get to a over-populated, foreign country just in time to die so no one can recognize who the hell I am. Seems fitting I guess. No goodbyes, phone calls or conversations. No funeral (I don't want one). Just people getting on with their lives. The future should exist like the past in some sorts.

Princessdominique asks:
I've got to get Dr. Phil on you. I've read the questions and answers and I'll have to say or ask rather, what was the one single defining moment in your life that makes you feel the way you feel about people and things and yourself.

Hassan Says:
From the time I was a kid. My grandmother who was a functioning alcoholic would pay me a dollar or two to perform in front of her drunk ass company. I took piano and guitar lessons young and early in life and I was entertainment. That kind of parlayed into the rest of my life. I have no problem putting my stuff out there because I've always been on display. Growing up and doing what I did and seeing what I've seen in combination with that whole military thing helped me to learn to detach emotionally. I function better that way. Plus, if I ever needed a job where emotions aren't necessarily needed (hint, hint... And that would only be my last resort) I'm perfect for the job. I guess that there isn't one real defining moment for me, it's a combo of things that led me here along with how I'm treated as a person today. That's how I came with what I see is the truth.

Knockout Zed asks:
My one and only official question is: Did you enjoy yourself last Saturday?

Hassan Says:
Hell Muthafuckin yes.
Next question.

Nikki asks:
You have no desire to marry or have children? Did I read that correctly? Surely you were kidding.

Hassan says:
Right now that answer is correct. I just don't believe at this moment that I'll convince some woman to spend that much time with me and to top that off have her carry my seed, do I don't think much about it. Except for this series of posts. I doubt if that happens for me, but I could be wrong.

The thing with grandma continues... Not blogging about it anymore.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Even more Hassan-A-Thon answers!!! Sheesh!

I really enjoy answering the questions. Nothing has been hard or uneasy to answer, but I'm holding out for that someone to ask the deep seeded question that will break my ass down and make me confess. This has been a very rough week for me, spending most of my time in Indiana with family and friends. I thank you all for the kind words and prayer. Pray for the family, the Creator already has Grandma covered. The shit is unraveling and in a violent and argumentative way. Please pray and send kind thoughts to this family! The drives from Des Plaines, Illinois to Muenster, Indiana are hell, but it is worth every minute of it to see someone special. I don't know how much time I have left to be in her presence. I'll be there every day until the end. I owe someone money and I've had the envelope in my pocket for a week now. I feel like I can't even be a man of my word and pay this person because I've been to work, a cybercafe in Chicago to do these posts and to Indiana all this week. I've only seen my bed for a few hours, but it will be all over in the morning...

On with new questions and answers.

Nsane Lee Sane asks:
1. So what type of porn is on that hard drive?

2. I vaguely remember a story while you were in the services about some Asian women and their sex secrets. Tell me about the ones you were actually able to partake in?

3. Why do think you're not loved? Is it something about you that people hate?

4. Do you like your sphincter massaged?

Hassan Says:
1. Regular stuff. I'm not much of a porn watcher so it's old, but for some strange reason I can't erase it. I will soon because I need that valuable space.

2. None. I was too scared to partake in anything while in Korea and Japan but I did observe a thing or two out of curiosity. I did travel to the Philippines where... Well, never mind.

3. I don't think that there is anyone that will actually give that much of a damn to trust me and let me in. I truly believe that I was put on this planet to be objectified and ridiculed, I have been since I was a child. It (trust and faith in me from someone else) has never happened and it most likely never will. I honestly feel that my family tolerates me but even they keep me at arms distance, that's why it's so easy for me to relocate, I have no emotional stake anywhere. That has been turned off since I was a small child. I feel alone in this world and have been for as long as I can remember, so I ride alone. It no longer bothers me, I just know this to be truth so I expect nothing even though I still extend my hand to others. Hell I can't even get you to care enough to place a random phone call my ass to see if I'm still breathing. If my so-called friends and family don't give a shit about me, then how can I have faith in a world of strangers to do the same?

4. No.

Rose Asks:
I'm scared to ask you any questions.

1. I do want to know are you
still drinking and driving too fast?

2. Do you feel scared because you feel like you don't know what you want
out of life?

3. Do you feel like your dream is finally in reach or slipping away?

Hassan Says:
Rose, don't be afraid to ask. I'm asking that you ask. In this moment I want to answer these questions. I'm preparing myself for something different in my life to happen and I'm letting go of so many things. Before I put stuff behind and begin my next journey I would like to address certain things so I'm hoping those that stop by and read me every now and then can help dislodge things to help me purge, reflect and move forward from here. I am an open book, just pick a page.

1. The drinking and driving thing, two separate things... I drove fast during a recent trip (and that trip only) to Atlanta because I could. I have a new car with all kinds of turbo thingees and devices and I also copped a radar detector which worked very well, so I took advantage and got to the ATL in under seven hours. Other than that, I obey the law. I'm a young brother living in a predominately white neighborhood and get pulled over on the regular (most recently Sunday night. Emptied out my whole car- I passed my most recent Nigger test). I went without a driver's license from 1993 to 2001 because I didn't pay a ticket but was able to purchase, rent and drive multiple autos without being detected as having my license suspended during that timeframe, meaning that I obey the lay and blend in with other drivers. Whenever I got pulled over my license was the last thing they ever asked for.

As far as drinking, I rarely do. I went thru a spell where I had a few drinks, but I had a close friend that died at the hand of a drunk driver, I am my crew's den mother, I make sure when friends and I go out they get home safely, meaning I never drink (especially with a brand new car). No one else drives but me. I'm diabetic and I keep things like meat, pork and chicken away. I do still have a drink now and then, but nothing to worry about.

2. I know exactly what I want out of life. I want to die with honor. That's it, so I am not afraid, never have been.

3. My dream is closer now than it ever has been. I'm just taking my time getting to it, in fact I'm procrastinating. Once I get published, release the album and get a chance to travel and press the flesh with those that support my endeavors I can pretty much buy the farm and chill there till I croak. My needs and wants in life are simple. I am not a stranger to traveling and living abroad, I did in my past so I'm pretty much satisfied with what I've done. I have no desire to marry or have children, so the 'dream' thing is simple enough. Performing is all I ever wanted to do, It's a regular part of my life now.

Lynn287 Asks:
I can't believe that you don't know you are loved! I find that amazing but then coming from you, I shouldn't.

Hassan ... I LOVE YOU!
I love talking to you, I love that you make me laugh, I love the fact that I learn from you, I love that you don't mind that I do. I love how you put yourself out there for the world to see. I love how you accept all that life has to give and I love that fact that you are you! I love that we are becoming friends!

1. Now ... Where can I purchase Hassan's Book of Basic Shit About Life and Other Things?!
2. The last movie you watched?
3. What type of wine do you prefer?
Will you ever cut your hair?
4. What type of underwear do you prefer, if you wear them?
5. What the fucc is wrong with you with thoughts of suicide ... I mean I read what you wrote but damn?
6. Kind of car do you drive?
7. How is Grandma?
8. Do you wanna f*cc me?

Hassan Says:
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them, but it's hard to believe. Time will tell though and we'll see.

1. That book is in my head. The manuscript plays on the regular, daily.
2. 'Sprung' - Rusty Cundieff, Tisha Campbell, Joe Torry and Paula Jai Parker
3. Red, California, aged at least 12 years and lukewarm, served in a standard widebowl glass and with either fish or dairy. No particular brand, there are about 45 brands from the Napa region that are prepped in this manner.
4. I own boxers, I own briefs, I own compression shorts for athletic stuff. Whatever is right for the moment, I rotate with my outfits.
5. It's natural, we all have those thoughts. Mine just replay in my head on a regular basis. I haven't acted on it, so...
6. 2006 Volkswagen Jetta - I'm at 15,739 at this typing, and that's in 4 months of ownership. I got it @ 3 miles on the odometer.
7. She's fighting. I just got back from the hospital and there is a family meeting Wednesday to determine who pulls the plug if the plug is pulled. I spent hours holding her hand and talking to her. She acknowledges us and makes faces, but because of the respirator tube, she cannot talk. She keeps coming to and reaching for it, trying to pull it out. I know she's sedated but she is aware. The question is, she trying to pull it out to talk to us, or is she trying to die on her own? The jury is still out, she shed tears and gave me a look only I can process and understand last night. We tried to leave around 11:30 but couldn't because she kept squirming and reaching for us, her heart rate increased and she breathes even harder. I know what that means, but I'll let you figure that out. I got home at 2am, so what do you think?
8. I can't answer that question. There is someone that inspires the tightest verse to flow from my pen, and I can't f*cc her, so what's fair? Trust is huge with me, so it has to go there first, and I don't hit and run. I stick and stay.

I need more questions, y'all. More to come in the future
Pssst, hey buddy...

The THE FIRST ANNUAL 'ASK HASSAN-A-THON' is going on without you!

You still have the opportunity to ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Operators are standing by. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Hassan-A-Thon answers

I'm staring at a blank canvas. It's not that I have nothing to put here, it's just I'd rather keep certain words and phrases to myself right now seeing as they have the power of life and death. I'm not angry or feeling sorrowful about current family situations neither am I numb or in a reflectful mood, don't have to be. I'd rather use my time to answer some of the Hassan-A-Thon inquies I've recieved so far. I urge you to take advantage of this moment, I'll continue to answer any questions you throw at me with honesty and openess. It's not like I'm going to clam up or anything next week or any time thereafter, hell my life has been an open book so far. I just feel like releasing some things that I never have, and I hope you guys ask right questions so I can address a few things still hanging around in my mental, emotional and spiritual attic before I get out of here.

The point of me blogging is being in the act of theraputically releasing a lot of burden, fear and opinion into the universe. If I seem repetitive and self centered I don't apologize. I'm working on improving self. Sometimes you gotta repeat that shit in order to get yourself to believe it. Hassan is not my birth name, I changed my name to reflect the change in self. In Yoruba it translates: He who improves or makes himself better.

I'm trying so hard to make myself better, but sometimes it's like purposely banging my head on the largest rock possible, watching the blood run and ignoring the fatigue and pain. I just keep going. And after some introspection, a one sided IM convo and spending more time with family I will keep pushing thru. I was urged to make other mothafuckas work, to not just take burdens then complain about them, make folk step up and to say fuck that, if not I'll kill myself otherwise.

Advice taken.

I hear that and acknowledge the things I said/did to trigger those statements to be directed towards me (from someone I should really listen to and heed advice from) were wrong and I apologize.

On with the questions, the Hassan-A-Thon starts NOW!!!:

Stiltwalker asks:
1. How big is it(lol)
2. What's the longest you've went without bathing
3. Name three things you have recurring thoughts about but have never shared with anyone

Hassan says:
Okay, here goes...
1. Well damn. I'm glad that was the first question, this way I can get it out of the way. How can I answer this question truthfully and tastefully?
Damn sure ain't Doc J's throwback...
John Stockton's jersey... nah.
Better than Kobe's current one, which after he switches up this fall will become a throwback...
but not Mo' Cheeks either.
Got it?

2. Well I was in the Army, and we stayed out in the bush for weeks at a time, but I always warshed me arse. I can't remember a day where I haven't sprinkled the undercarriage if you know what I mean... I even carry my Perry Ellis MAN-Purse to the restroom at work/in secure public places (complete with hypo-allergenic, alcohol-free MAN-wipes, toothbrush, dental floss, beeswax, shea butter, various hair care products to keep the locs in place, Lysol wipes, blistex, my scented oils, pain relievers, injectible insulin and glucophage (I am diabetic you know), mani/pedi mini kit, nosehair trimmer, scissors (left handed, of course), mini electric moustache trimmer, toothpaste, mini packets of showergel (yes, I rob hotels), SHOUT! stain wipes, deodorant, plastic toothpicks (solid!) and batteries. For my camera that is. I used to have a mini steamer in there, but it leaked a lot. I use each of these products in some way, shape or form on the regular, trust me. I hope that's metrosexual (to the Nth degree) enough to answer your question, right?

3. - #1: How can I kill myself where it won't look like I was a coward ass bastard, pervert prick and nasty ass hermit of a fucker? Damn, I would have to clear out my hard drive, throw away my porn and amass my writings (the good shit) to make it look like I was an upstanding citizen to the investigators, landlord and family members that'll be rummaging thru my shit.

#2: "I will never get married. I will never have kids. No one loves me. I am worthless. God has forsaken me. I have no redeemable qualities. I am unnatractive. My hair is ugly. I am fat. My family only tolerates me because I am the only person stupid enough to volunteer to do shit. She has banished me to the nether regions of her emotional scale and wished I were dead. I will die penniless and without a home. Diabetes will get the best of me. I am losing my eyesight and it's because I deserve it for something stupid I did. I can't believe I love myself enough to answer this question. I should have a drink. Sprinkle a little Drano on that, will ya? Nah, fuck that, I'm here dammit, and I'm making an album just to cram my trifling, stank ass down the throats of America. I gotta show them the bastard they help create."

Wash, rinse repeat once upon waking and once before bed.

#3: There was a mute man named Minor Tate who worked as a general laborer/teacher's aide at my grammar school that on a camping trip I took with the school in the 1st grade woke me up in the middle of the night, took me to the shower area, 'bathed' me and fondled my penis. There was no other activity other than that. Weird moment, and I expressed anger about this, so he dressed me and sent me back to bed with no further incident. This is the first time I told anyone about this other than my uncle, who probably layed dude out in an alley somewhere. All I was told is that 'things were even'. The thought runs thru my head on the regular on how it didn't affect me adversely. I didn't get angry and lash out or revert to the recesses of my brain because of this. I wasn't tramatized by it, because there was a girl on my block that was already interested in playing with my manparts, and she did on occasion. For a grown man to do this was unnacceptable and I expressed that to him and he complied and sent me on my way, but I wonder about other kids he did this shit to and because it was Catholic school they thought they had no power or voice. Maybe they thought they could not control the situation or was just plain afraid. I yelled, and scolded this man and told him he was wrong, causing him to panic and let me be. I did tell my uncle and shortly after we got back Minor either quit or just didn't come back to work so I was cool, but the thought about how I turned out versus others remains...

Mz. Dee~Dee asks:
Wack A** questions huh?....
How would you get across to the people that in order to change the U.S. government, you have to take supreme measures?

Hassan Says:
Simple answer sweetheart:
Buy my album "Live From The Niggernet - The Revolutionary Mixtape" - In stores in August.

Lynn287 asks:
1.So ... what I want to know is where do you see yourself being in the next 3 years?
2.Do you think you will be on the left coast for anything other than business any time soon?
3.Do you really beleive you aren't loved?
4.Why do you think I talk to/want from you?
5.The last time you masturbated?
6.Made love?
7.Had sex?
8.The last record you purchased?
9.When was the last time you allowed someone to do something (anything)for you just because they wanted/you needed?

Hassan Says:
1. I actually don't or can't see myself in the future at all, it's hard for me to do so I just do for today. Where I hope to be is on the road touring, pushing my sophomore album "In A Hurry To Go Nowhere" and still rocking poetic pieces. I hope it's recieved well.
2. It's a possibility. I have job interviews in Atlanta and another I'm setting up in DC. I never thought of living out west but I will and have performed there. As far as just visiting, it would have to be damn special for me to trek that far and not get a paycheck.
3. Yes.
4. Commonality, mutual interest and my ability to make you laugh all the damn time. All we need is a meeting place and a bottle of wine... Want? I haven't asked myself that yet.
5. Last Year
6. April of last year
7. sometime this year
8. 'Fishscales' - Ghostface Killah
9. I can't remember, it's been a while and probably ain't happening anytime soon. I am a man of pride and that is not either protocol or policy according to the 'Hassan book of basic shit about life and other things related'. It's always been my job to do things, that will continue.

Nikki asks:
What aspect of your personality do you feel is proving to be the biggest obstacle in you achieving your goals?

Hassan Says:
Fear that I might just succeed and be pitted in the spotlight and picked apart by the very ones that elevated me in the beginning. I welcome it. I loathe it. I know that it will probably kill me so sometimes I procrastinate because I know that this is the only time I have to actually live my life. Once I put the music and literary works out to the public, I will have to work 10 times harder to support it and sell it. So I am afraid. I am afraid of success as much as I am afraid to fail. But I will still do it anyway just to lead by example because I'm tired of talking about it. I might as well do. If I crash and burn, I'll make sure to speed up and cut the wheel just to make the crash look more exciting and to get more gapers and on-lookers to stop and glance for a minute. Maybe they'll learn something from my mistakes.

Pssst, hey buddy...
Dont let the

You still have the opportunity to ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Operators are standing by. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.

More answers later...

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My value...

I'll continue to go thru this like this is normal stuff... Life continually tests you and I cannot fail. If I were a weaker man, I'd be in the corner crying wondering why I'm getting victimized, but it ain't about me and I am not a victim.

I'm just getting in. It's 2:57 in the AM. We spent about 2 and a half hours with grandma in the ICU. She's heavily sedated and on a respirator. The doctor is giving her until Wednesday to come out of it or the plug will have to be pulled. They have her arms strapped to her bed to keep her from pulling the breathing tube out of her mouth. We talked to her today and she responded with her eyes, she knows who we are. I cracked a joke and she gave me the look of death, no pun and worth each second of it. Before they put the tube in she told the doctor she wanted to live, so she's fighting. It wasn't sad to be there and see. It would be sad to see her continue on this path, she'll be a sedated, strapped vegetable unable to enjoy the freedoms of life. I accept the fact that she will die soon. 83 years is a long time, she just retired a little over 2 years ago, and that's when she got ill.

Two women, patriarchs of their families, property owners, society shapers and family impacters who have shaped so many people's lives lay in hospital beds in conditions I cannot explain. I cannot gauge their thought process or do I want to. What I do know is that both of these women have faith and are servants of the creator so I believe there is no pain, remorse or regret, so I feel no pain because I know that they are okay in more ways than one. I pray that they are given strength to carry on and get back to schooling my young ass (and others), so my prayers are geared towards getting them back home to be with family and loved ones. That's how one heals.

Faith is one thing, faith in one's self is another.

I want to tell you how I got here to the point where I'm leaving everything and everybody due to having (newfound) faith in myself.

I was a small kid with crooked teeth. I wore braces in high school. I was outcast in the military. I was poor until I started selling drugs and to top that, I hid my money from my mother when she really needed it. She probably would have taken it to get us out of a bad living situation. We lived in my grandmother's 3BR house that couldn't hold an additional 5 person family aside from the 4 people and dog it was already holding. Folks on the block knew this and we were teased for that until my brother and I started whooping ass to keep them off of my moms, little brother and sister. That led to a little gang activity and some hustling led by my older brother seeing as we liked to fight so damn much. We couldn't get out of that cycle, and it seemed like we would always be a part of destruction of the block because we were always doing dumb shit. I started hanging with my best friend at his house until the deep hours of the night because I did not want to go 'home'. I became uncoordinated athletically in basic training because I was incredibly uncomfortable after joining whereas in high school I excelled physically. I struggled with self identity due to living in a multicultural environment as a kid. I had a lot of trouble relating to traveling, dealing with folks from other cultures and being on my own while in the military. I was thrown all over the world, literally and felt like I would always be on display and never in control of my life, so I got out when my time was up, but it didn't stop there.

I thought I triggered all things bad, and that it was my fault that bad things happened. I was a talented student, gifted athlete, overall good kid, didn't hang on the streets for too long due to my upbringing and best friend's influence, so how could I be the cause of my/our bad ass situation? I started making bad decisions based on me thinking that I was the reason for all things bad. I got out of the military, re-joined a relationship with a woman that I wasn't supposed to be with. We even moved in with each other. I kept dropping out of college when folks were bailing me out and getting me back into class. I chose to embrace corporate America and let go of the idea of my talents and loves being what I should do with my life due to what everyone else said. I blamed everything else on me not excelling in corporate because I'd only get so far. I yearned to write, compose and create, but thought that the world didn't want to hear a scarred child that stumbled into manhood.

I never listened to myself. I never heard the Creator calling me to do more and do better until I spent time with myself.

I was a product of my environment, and I was strong enough to remove myself from it with a little help. This is why I have no tolerance for those that choose to wallow in their own shit and fall into the bullshit set forth to hold one back. I love reading blogs. I know in a lot of instances my shit is repetitive, but I try not to hold myself back in my writings about self. I learned that weed ain't weed genetically, and alcohol is a tool where dependacy in our community is essential in keeping the gifted out of the reach of the ones who need them for influence, so I don't understand how all of the gifted ones that I come across in the black blogosphere and in life repeat themselves on a bullshit level and fail to function in real life because they're chained to the spliff or the bottle.

Or worse yet, embittered due to bullshit. ____________ Fill in that blank.

How do you complain about the condition of shit when you just sit there and watch it decay?
How do you hold others accountable for failure when you have no real responsibilities of your own?
When will you stand and assist the rest of us as opposed to being a fucking crab in a barrel?
Don't you want a better life? Have you a plan? What about family, who are you planning with and receiving knowledge from?
When was the last time you sat with an elder?
How are you to achieve anything of substance if you do not step out on faith and try?
How do you plan on giving back?
What do you believe? When do you plan on living in those beliefs?

I asked myself these things and I already had the answers. I figured the only reason I never applied those answers was because of my fear. Fear of the unknown which made me not try, so I drank to suppress the energies to actually do something. I smoked weed and cigarettes to prevent me from thinking and being physically ready to perform my duties as a chocolate soldier.

I came out of it and reversed course. I changed my name. I found a sense of purpose...

I am worth it.
I am validated by me.
I am a reflection of the Creator.
I will move forward and do instead of talk.
It is only my fault if I let it fail, whatever it may be.
I have value and worth and will pass that on to my seed...

You doubt me?

Grandma taught me that. ________________________________________________________________


For a limited time only, you can ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Hassan-A-Thon...

***UPDATE*** 6/20/2006 8:00 am ***UPDATE***

I had already prepeared this post, but I felt the need to add to it today with this message. The original post follows with no changes. Please pray for grandma this morning, she is in ICU hanging in there. Just visited her last Sunday and she was released from the hospital Friday... She was re-admitted Sunday night. Also, heard from my ex as I traveled last night and her grandmother went thru a quadruple bypass surgery yesterday morning (hey, I love her grandmother and I have no beef with those that have no beef with me) I ask for your prayers and understanding for these two strong black women this morning. Hope that they make it through. It seems that my testing isn't over according to the creator.

Back to the original post...

Things get better with time. I had the worst weekend when it came to making time to do things because I didn't get enough rest after my little oral surgery thing. Thanks to y'all for looking out and giving me the advice to rest my trifling ass....

My body took what it needed Sunday and for that I'm glad cause' I was gonna keep on moving.

Things I notice since I had my mouf rearranged:

*My voice is different more bass and less treble. To hell with explanations on the how and why, I already know

*Speaking with two of my clients today, I was complimented on my voice. Strange moment. One cat I spoke to today even said that I 'would make a great rapper'.


I'm back chewing somewhat, and I see that until my implants (molars) get - implanted, chewing 'hard' stuff is a challenge that I'm no longer interested in partaking in

for the first time in years, I can close my mouth and make my (remaining) molars touch. For those of you with busted chops and have to go thru the motions, think about that for a moment and get back with me.

Other than the grey and white hairs I now posses, arthritis and other ailments and conditions that strike older people, I'm finally reversing course when it comes to my smile. Howso, well:

Back in the day, Moms drug me to this asshole of a socialite-boule brother that was pretty handy with wiring a young brother's mouth shut orthodontically. I wore braces for 7 years, that's how bad my shit was. I had to get them taken off early because of the whole Army thing. I really didn't give a damn about my choppers like that (getting orthodontic care) until I got out of the service, I just couldn't afford to get what I wanted done.

Now after getting various knee parts vacuumed out and getting one rebuilt, having discs in my back do the limbo, nerve damage to both of my feet, breaking bones in both hands and my nose as well as limping thru 2 hernia surgeries, I rehabbed, got all yogi on that ass and am as normal as I'll ever be, but never got them parts back. With my smile, you can order new joints so now it's all going to be brand new and I might just wanna smile every now and then.

I'm not ashamed of my crooked chicklets, but in the same breath I never want to put em on display. Now that I might be really be out there pressing the flesh it's imperative that I feel confident about flashing them pearlies to get that yaper. My first step was Friday and I'm excited about this painful ass process.

Until then, imma keep frowning on that ass. I kinda like that look, gives me character.

Oh, and here's your chance (I'm stealing big time, but hey... Whatcha gwon do?)


For a limited time only, you can ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.

Monday, June 19, 2006

What's wrong with this man's face?

That is the look of pain and fatigue.

I had oral surgery (literally) Friday and had some things (check the pluralization) removed as well as some tissue (gum and cheek) rearranged to ensure proper alignment of the implants going in the back of the mouth. I forgot to rest because I came straight home and moved my second car (which ain't running) out of my parking space for lot maintenance, cleaned, packed and boxed Friday night, helped set up stuff in the park Saturday for the Puerto Rican Pride celebration in the park, was all out in the 100 degree sun and then kicked it with my man end em' Saturday night until like 4am.

And then I laid it down...

And didn't get out of the bed until D Wade had scored at least 20 on Dallas, attempted to get up and get something to eat (for the first time this weekend - missing teeth, sutures and wires make that a hard thing) had the worst conversation I could possibly have in life (you try talkin after having shit yanked outta your head) and end up getting pulled over and had my vehicle searched. Dude had the nerve to ask me how 'we' get fine cars to drive, like there's a special process for black folk in purchasing a new vehicle.

The whole right side of my head is in extreme pain, and I'm off to work.

Did I mention on how the phone didn't ring (or how I didn't call pops) this weekend? Good stuff, huh?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Din Din Da Diiiinnn... NEW SHIT!!! [Unseen Muse]

you are my unseen muse...

inspiring me without touch or sound

provoking thought, being in thought

heard in the mind from our last conversation

seen in my heart as I wear it on my sleeve

you cause me to write great things

you spark imaginative thought based off of a possibility

you create endless fodder because of conversations we've yet to have

forcing me to show my crooked smile.

helping me enjoy my time in a quiet space

intriguing me because there so many things that I do not know

you cure my boredom in the spiciest of ways

in your absence I do not write

when you're gone I cannot compose

I live on my island malnourished parched for a drop of the juices that

are those words

the ones spoken and directed torwards me.

indeed they nourish my creative

supplement the imaginative

fortify my wit

satiate my urge to know more

compliment my thoughts with whispers of conversation

stimulate me

my thoughts with yours become healthy children that cause the next

person to stop

and vibe with what was created

your rhythm, my verse causes the would to sway to the beat that

inspires from your soul

I am it's selfish interpreter

I'm selfish like that, yearning to keep you for myself but I feel the

need to yell my joy to the world and hopes it travels through space

transcending time because it's fleeting...

if you inspire thoughts such as these

and those that ride the vibe can groove to you as such

then why would I want to be away from you for more than a moment?

my heart beats to your drum of being

my surface shines in your presence

your light guides me

you thunder rattles my pen to create strokes of brilliance in your


luscious notes of tremendous song on an unending stanza

all of this is tribute to you

all I want is for the world to sing your song as you see it and guide

them with verses

as long as you remain in the sight of my heart, you will remain on the

lips of the universe

they will sing for you in generations to come

you provide that even in the unseen

as much as I want for you to be my Sister Betty, I am satisfied in this


you being my unseen muse.

2006 Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo

Monday, June 12, 2006

Decisions, decisions

I am enjoyably sore after this past weekend. I danced like I was a young man, ran into old friends and watched a painfully interesting wrestling pay per view with my mellow my man and my dad. I have to get some rest this week, I have vocals to lay down, an new snippet to post on the blog and the Puerto Rican Pride Day to prep for. Families flock to the fields known as Humboldt Park on the city's northwest side as the parade itself stretches thru miles of neighborhoods before culminating in the park which is pretty damn big. For some strange reason it's always a draining experience doing all of the walking around, dancing, fellowshipping (what I call it) and shopping and such that weekend.

What have you just learned about me?

Ara todo el clase de las mezclas culturales en reuniones de mi familia. ¡Gumbo es bueno!

Appreciation of Puerto Rican and African culture and its contribution to the culture and society is important to my family. I plan to promote the study, improvement, and advancement of both my duel culture and arts by encouraging, promoting and participating in various events thru my music compositions and poetry, attending live events such as plays, exhibits and poetry slams and to support my communities financially.


Stoked we are to get our weekend on and it's only Monday as I type this. Saturday we celebrate half of my heritage and history in the park and Sunday, the men in our family are honored for fatherhood and leadership. And at the end of the month we celebrate the other half at the African-Caribbean Festival of life.

I'll miss summers in Chicago.

So by that little quip you'll notice that I'm really feeling what Buck is saying. I do have a problem. I work. I am a conditioned wage slave. I am not afraid to quit my job to follow my dream but that dream has to pay dividends, right? Giving up so much just to have a deal ain't the way for me, trust me.

I ain't even trying to stay away from blogging.

So my apartment is kind of empty. I damn near had my lights cut off but things went better than expected. Sometimes you have to fall back and let friends do their thing. I'm looking for a home for my children. If you're reading this then you know that I plan to travel without my kitties. I really don't want to part with them but I might have to. I hung out with my Dad this Sunday, we watched the ECW wrestling pay per view. He loves wrestling and this was a perfect way to spend a Sunday... Having a drink and watching grown men body slam each other thru tables... Priceless, and a week before Father's Day to boot!

I did more packing and throwing stuff between dancing my ass off and watching grown men in tights this weekend. If you read this far then you know something about me taking or not taking the current offers on the table. One of those job opps is a contract offer and the other will require a lot of training. I'll probably hang here until selections and decisions are made. I'm closing out my home internet account and going with my cell phone company's wireless card so I can travel and surf. I'm not going to miss my desktop and it'll be cool to have the net in the car with me (movie schedules and driving directions - already jacked a GPS program for cheap). I'm also looking to hook up this lil box I saw at Best Buy that transmits your cable/satellite signal over the internet to wherever you are. My brother will let me hook it up to his joint at the crib and I'll have access to all of my cable channels as I surf and shuttle from place to place.

That whole label thing is an easy way out for me somewhat. Howso? Well, if I sign, I lose mostly all of my publishing and am put on a spending budget. Creative direction goes into the hands of an A&R cat that does not know either Al or myself. I'll be limited to whatever the label wants me to do and I don't think that this is worth giving up the opportunity to be where I want to in the future with the words and concepts I came up with all hours of the day and night.


I won't have to work. I can cop that 48" plasma joint, but I'll also be living out of a van, eating fast food daily, living lonely on the road and I'll miss my messy ass cats. I'll probably have to beg to get shelf space in stores and to get thelabel to have a budget for my advertising and promotion. I'm too old to beg, it inteferes with the creative process. I also know that subject matter I spit won't get pressed and released to a wide audience like that booty booty booty booty booty everywhere shit that be all on the radio. You know what? I think I might just keep recording and mixing away from labels and staying on my hustle with the music. If I can prove to 'them' that I can create, market and distribute my own product I get to keep more of my craetive license when it's time to sign a deal. Stay independent and keep grinding. That's what I plan on doing for now.

That's what's up.

One thing. If I take either job, I have to stay here in Chicago. I don't know if I can for sanity's sake stay here. I hear the call and comfort my spirit's leading me to, and it there's a lot of red clay there.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

A band of brothers, a DJ and a whole lot of sweat

Long ago in a decade far, far away there were a band of brothers. Brothers who found various ways to get out of classes, chase women, create unique step routines, party havoc and had no social value whatsoever. It's been 20 years since these brothers came together fraternally. Some of these men are married, most have children. All now participate in growing, building and solidifying their community individually until a phone call reunited them in the assemblence of a non-profit organization. Now more than a decade and a half removed from academics and recreation these men are determined to make a mark by mentoring young black men such as themselves to keep the cycle of the strong black brother going. Even named the organization after the frat.

But first monies must be raised, and that means...

Sweating one's perm out dammitwe got you at the door...

and we got you for beverages too...
Brother Wayne got you on them dranksBrother Wendell and his QueenBrother Heems posingI haven't seen Corey's ass since 1990Brother Richard back there concocting somethingOh snap! Soul Selector DJ Mornin Man and Sister Tammi (it was her berfday) Mornin Man's grooves took us back to the 80'swe obviously enjoyed itBrother Squeak... what can I sayUm...I don't know this woman's name, but she danced my knees into creakdom, and I enjoyed every minute of her punishmentweird party shot... whateverwhy did we stick poor Mornin Man back in that dungeon?did I mention that it was Tammi's berfday?brothers united.. againBrother Psycho was on it
you never forget about the bottom line.

All in all we had a good time. Monies were raised and this will become a regular event in the efforts to bring in much needed contributions. The brothers of the Phi-Dise Non Profit Organization Incorporated are determined to pass on the knowledge, wisdom and understanding learned and applied in their lives to the new generations of black men who need guidance and struggle in the now that is society. With the exception of a couple of that have passed on to glory, the husbands, fathers, leaders and businessmen that make up Phi-Dise are all accounted for and ready to merge with our younger brothers to make a stronger contribution to our families and community.

Each one, teach one, right?

Friday, June 09, 2006


I guess it's worth watching, huh?

You are observing a man, a black man losing his grip on all things tangible. Or at least it feels that way.

You are reading words of a man who knows what he wants but is unsure and uncertain about if he'll ever obtain it. I have 2 wonderful job offers on the table here in Chicago and an opportunity to record music and possibly get out of the struggle by siging my life away with a label. For the past couple of months, other than writing for my album project, I've been plotting relocation plans to the south. This was based on my various trips spitting poetry and visiting kinfolk in Memphis, Nashville, Atlanta and Indianapolis. I noticed how easy life was for most in these places. Even when I visited the DC/Virginia area and broke bread with some old friends last fall, I noticed that things move a little bit slower than they do in Chicago.

I also felt as comfortable as I ever been in my life on a visit to the ATL in March. I remember last having that feeling when I lived in Alexandria back in my service days. I had just left home for the Army and for some strange reason I felt so at home in my new surroundings even though I was a stranger to those parts and there were these big ass plantation style houses. And plus, I knew many a negro lost sweat, family and life in this area.

The people man, I really dug the people and how they did.


Now, living alone in Chicago without a family of my own, no current love interest and no real career opportunities that can provide a proper retirement (loyalty is a lost art) and no viable options to promote the music I work so hard to compose is the reality I exist in. Happiness is fleeting, but it's not discouraging to keep reaching for it. Of course after witnessing and participating in many episodes involving setbacks, death, job changes and various adventures with friends and family, I've been wondering when it would be my turn to be in an episode. It seems that I've been a supporting character in a lot of other people's lives, got a few Oscars for em but never my own script. Got a strange feeling the writer's think I can't hold my own movie...

So now I make serious moves to cure all that ails me. I have 3 tremendous job offers on the table, 2 here, 1 there. I feel like I've been instructed to be someplace else to prep myself for successes outside of corporate America, so I'm packing and making boxes, planning on leaving a whole lot behind in Chicago. I like the fact that the offers came from mammoth corporations. I've already probed into relocation with 'the bank', seeing as they want to pay for my series 6, 63 and 24 licenses and relocate me by giving me $2500 to assist my travels to the south. Series 7 may happen there as well with no commitment to this company. Wow.

Big ass telecommunications giant' wants me in a division of their tech sector (might finally use my pieced together degree), but the focus here is sales, retention and maintaining clients on their core products. I'm being courted to be a middleman and liaison to keep the client happy, doing whatever it takes to keep the giant's products as a part of their core of services. We talked relocation, but they have territories. Company first, then we'll see. No big training here, just jump in and keep clients happy, and then cross and upsell the extra stuff on the site visits. Write new business and increase profit, and they'll let me go wherever...

The third is actually what I dream about. A label with local ties and a few major acts have renegotiated their deal with one of the big three. They have money, a new game plan and room for me to be a recording artist on the label. Thing is, I gotta give up 50% of my publishing (damn near all of my mechanical royalties) and they had difficulty with a few prominent artists that did extremely well before coming to them. The label is working with an industry leading incubator specializing in indie labels. A few ten million dollars or so, new personnel on the label and access to the major's phone bank, marketing and promotions as well as new distribution... Hmmm.

And I'm trying to relocate...

Decisions, huh?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Thank you for reading, it's been a pleasure

I'm taking this opportunity while no one is looking to asses if I should continue blogging and doing other certain things for the matter. I am not pulling the plug on other projects like my music or my writing but I am putting those things on hold. I have one of the most important decisions in my life to make and right now I'm not getting any help in coming to a choice so I have to take some time and do this one all alone. Where I live, who I direct focus onto and what I do to take care of myself can all change by making this decision. Funny thing is, I've reached out to certain family and friends to help me with advice, encouragement and such and so far I have not garnered a single response, opinion or critisism. I've been made to feel like a man on an island. I kind of like being put in this position somewhat, because I have to live with what I do, not anyone else. The fact that other things much bigger than my life plans are happening in others lives helps me see that my choice is my choice and it doesn't matter what I do in their eyes because it has no real bearing to them. I have to choose a direction as far as employment, living arrangements and geographic placement are concerned so I need a few days. What I must do has to happen in a few days, so time is of the essence. And oh to update, my nephew is home and is fine now. A little medication and a lot of love should do the trick. Thanks for your kind words and prayers.

Thanks to all that have stopped by and shouted during my run on the web. I am also glad that I've come into contact with a few people I consider friends thru this medium. Things would probably be a bit different if we never met. They say that time changes folks and heals all wounds. I hope in time I've made the right moves to be kicking it with y'all once again.


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Power In Numbers, Power In Prayer

Please pray for my nephew Jordan today. Yesterday, lil man took on a fever of 106 and had a seizure. At last check, he was still at 104 and in the hospital receiving treatment. I ask for your good thoughts and prayers today. Whenever you get a chance, speak with the Creator so that we can have strong men like this one to bolster and become cornerstones of our community. Pray for my brother and sister in-law, let us worry about things and hope that their minds are calm and full of hope. I noticed that 307 people stopped by yesterday and read my poem but only one person left a comment. You don't have to reply to this post today, all I ask is for us to concentrate using the power of prayer today for this beautiful child. There is indeed strength and power in numbers y'all.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Help me finish this joint

Asking a lil reader participation on the most recent joint I'm composing. How would you finish this joint?

I don't need nothing else

All I want is time, even
if it's for a little while.
In the presence of your
person, that fleeting
moment will let my
heart know where I need
to be with remaining time.

I hope I get lost in my life's
calender, this way I know
that being by your side gives
me the chance to walk with you

To be able to share more than
conversation, having breakfast
on a do nothing day just staring
at each other is the way I'd like
make time until the Creator calls

I want you to call my name
from the other side of the house.

I want to paint you a beautiful
masterpiece, choosing a color
conducive for your day reading,
looks good when you entertain


I'll make sure I don't track footprints
through the dining room.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

What The Fuck?!?

Okay... I had a post for today, I also had another poem to release to the world.

I'm doing laundry at 1am.

Can you believe my landlord waited for me to give me a document dated December 24 2005 stating that the rent increases starting January 1 2006.

He says that he forgot to give me one. So he hands me one and writes some shit on it apologizing for the 'delay' in getting me my notice. had the nerve to explain that I'm supposed to get advance notce according to the law.

He wants the difference between the old rent balance and the new backdating from January ASAP.

Some nerve, huh?

This, my blogreading friends is the tipping point.

I had all kinds of good shit to share today as well as a poem to boot.

Fuck that.

I ain't even trying to be the nice guy. Too much bullshit has happened to me to this point, and I ain't taking this sitting down. For those that know there has been a laundry list of shit that has happened in the past 5 months of 2006 to me and for the most part, I've been reactive and planned around the hurdles and just bounced along, just doing my thing. It is time to proact instead of react and make what was planned a reality a little earlier than planned. For those that read me on the regular, you know what that is. Also, I got some extreme hustling shit to throw in there to execute my plan.

Should be interesting to read me and watch this shit unfold in the next couple of whatever.