Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Monday, January 31, 2005

My passion for change is only outweighed by the pain I feel by the actions I take to make it
possible. I have made many changes in my life, but most until recently were not for the
better. I forgot God in most cases, and that has set me back.

Not in the sense of success or anything worldly, I have made good on many attempts to
acquire what the world deems good, I'm talking about what fills my soul and sets me free
from society, and that influenced me to make changes for the betterment of the world. Not
betterment of a corporation that is un loyal to you but requires you to remain loyal to them
in all aspects, not betterment of people that love you in your face, but despise you behind
your back or betterment of those that love you but know not how to deal with you or know
what place to put you. Not even betterment of those that merchant garbage to you, filling
your body and home with things that take more than give comfort to you. I speak about
betterment of the spirit. How many of you that read this are truly happy within? I wasn't,
so I made change.

Change hurts, not because it moves from the familiar to unfamiliar, it hurts because you
must remove yourself from those that support you in your attempt to die in misery. See,
there are those that love you beyond doubt, but are so afraid to tell you the truth from
fear or being rebuked and rejected that they will lie to you to keep you miserably happy.
Misery loves company, and you are only as valuable as those that you keep in your immediate
circle. Now I'm not saying that these folk are miserable in a bad sense, but if you are fat,
and your loved one never tells you because he/she feels that you are comfortable in your
fatness, and it would hurt your feelings to tell you about the extra weight, then they are
hurting you more than they are helping. I have learned that God first + sound body + sound
mind = fulfilled. You cannot function correctly if you are not sound.

Now you can always get a divorce, or walkaway from a long term relationship, but what does
that solve? Maybe that person or those people want to assist with your change, you have to
investigate. Find out. If they don't then do what you must. Sometimes people love you more
than you can love yourself, so they will never hurt you. But in that sense, if you never get
your wakeup call, you will be forever sleep. I was sleepwalking, and I had people around me
that would not nudge me. I could not wake up! I literally tossed and turned in front of my
beloved, but fear of change, the unknown or success prevented them from slapping me in the
back of the head. But The Creator called me and gave me the ability to have one eye open. I
saw myself in the mirror, and I didn't like what I saw. So I changed. Drastically,
dramatically and immediately. It hurt people. It hurt me.

I stopped hanging out with some of my guys. I stopped going out with my girlfriend. I
stopped visiting toxic family members. I started a process to change jobs. I stopped siting
on my couch, vegging out on sporting events. I didn't want to because this was so familiar,
and it is still difficult to not do those things, but I think... Damn that, I know that God has
a greater purpose for me to serve and I had to go towards that. Ending relationships,
quitting jobs and involving myself with things that were just damn corny to me back in the
day is very difficult to do. Everybody has something to say. I can see the lips moving, trust
me I can.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to love me. I now know my purpose. I have been
given talent, and I must use it to say His name in as many instances I can to glorify it so
that those who cannot hear can have understanding. This is my job, and I have run with it. If
I have hurt you, I apologize. I just felt that you could not run with me, not because you
weren't worthy, but because I chose to run this leg of the race alone. In an attempt to
prepare myself, I realized that I have a lot of work to do on self, and this is the part of
the movie where the scientist locks himself in the laboratory, fixated on perfecting his
creation. I have done this and I ask not to be disturbed.

I believe that one day, I will be able to look on those I walked away from and not feel pain,
unfortunately today is not that day. I have a lot of me that I need to work on and I hope
that you see that this is not selfishness, but an attempt to make myself whole. This is my
letter to you. Read this and know that I fast for cleansing. That I still pray for you. That
I think of good things and not bad when your names enter my thoughts. I am aware of you
and hope that God blesses you with all that is kind and good. I am aware that I can no longer
live the way I have.

Awareness + Direction + Change = Results

Right now, God has anointed me to become an intercessor.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When
I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

This is that effort. Pray for me as I will for you all.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

In the name of the Most High, I welcome you. Come on in
kinfolk, let me rant to you if you'll listen:

28 days.

It's the time one takes to rehabilitate themselves when admitted
in a clinic to wane themselves mentally and physically from a
controlled substance. Rehab. It's what I need to do. Cleanse my
soul by cleansing my body. I'm going to rehab y'all.

Guess what? February has 28 days, and I plan on fasting. Each
day. One at a time. I'll probably need a lot of colon cleanse
powder.

And water.

Damn Fist, why the harshness? Why you doing that? Why don't
you just eat clean and pray fam? Well, if I am living to glorify
His name thru my actions, then the temple needs to be cleansed.
My body. Lymph nodes need cleaning to increase metabolism and
train of thought. Colon needs a blowout to rid my body of sitting
dis-ease. Blood needs oxygenation to lower blood pressure and
regulate sugars. Mind needs to be cleared of BS... enough of
that, you get the point.

I do plan on journaling my experience, my last fast was back in
98', hard thing to stick with. I'm a little older, and all of my
closest doubters are gone out of my life. I have the support of
those who worship with me and I know now that I'm older that
this is what I must do. Change is good, but it does have a price
though, I will miss chocolate and red meat, but I'll live longer
after doing this, God willing.

I'm already freaking out a little, from what the Queen teaches,
I will violently react to not getting the junk... the cigars, junk
food, red meat and pork (yeah, I said it). All of the diet soda I
ingest on a weekly basis that's left in my gut will riot and
demand company. The parasites and other evil microrganisms
that feed into my weak heart and the dairy that has been sitting
inside of me, causing high ass blood sugars will make me evil for
about 3-4 days, so expect me to snap the hell off in this space
week after next.

My diet will consist of water, raw vegetables, oats, tuna and
salmon (2-3 days in the week). That's it Water, veggies and the
occasional fish. Wholesale changes are needed for me to survive,
and I will make them. No surface BS, just mind, body and sprit.
Actions and not just these words. I'm look foward to this only
because I am not alone. I will let y'all know what's going on and
rant and plead for my sanity, which should be good reading for
all you meat eating bastards (already started, just kidding)!!!

With a new job, new enviornment and new values this should be
fun, somewhat. I will grow stronger, and this is only step one.
Oh yeah, to celebrate the fast, I posted one of my songs and
dropped some poetry on ya... see, already stronger. I wasn't
going to share but my I know better.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

How far are you willing to get free? Are you willing to sacrifice
the known for the unknown? Well, we'll see. Other than
becoming an iPod whore as of recent, Blackfist sacrificed all that
he knew (well, most of it) to gain his freedom.

You see, I lived a toxic life, and it began to eat at my soul. My
art is my life, and my writings and photos (which I'm still
struggling to share here for fear of embarrassment) I felt
defined me. It doesn't. What defines me is me. What my
beliefs are is irrelevant to what I become because people believe
different things and are successful. Remember success without
fulfillment is failure. But I still must have faith. Some people
exist without it, they are empty. I can't function that way.

Successful anything without fulfillment is total failure, so I
ended relationships, gave weeks notice at my current job and
gave up vices not in the hopes of getting better, but in the
actions of being who I am. I tire of musts and should'ves... I
must pay bills, I should've done this. Those excuses are
controlled by fear, so I dropped fear. I claimed a hight paying,
more fulfilling job related to me reaching my goals in exposing my
art to the masses, I work out with more regularity and changed
the way I care for my temple and I now stand alone. I do not
have me to give right now, I have me to build, and that is not
fair to me or anyone else. Nuff said.

In order to shed the toxic life, one has to detox. It's not easy to go
this route because doubt, fear and haterism from others will present
themselves as obstacles along the way. I realize this, so each morning I
take an hour not to affirm or reaffirm, but to first be thankful for all
that has happened to get me here and to plot, strategize and put that
into action RIGHT NOW. And I do it while my body is in motion and thru
prayer, incantation and recital ALOUD while working out. To unplug from
the matrix, one has to deprogram, the incantation is repeating the plan
over and over, no happy thoughts or BS like that.... phrases like: "God
has blessed me with this life, no person, obstacle or situation will stop
me from establishing by businesses thru my art and talent. I cannot fail
at life because risk without loss is natural. I learn from my triumphs and
mistakes and apply everything for the betterment and glorification of the
lord. I will treat myself and others as I want to be received. I have no
fear of anything because God has by back."

I repeat this aloud throughout my entire workout after taking 30
minutes or so immediately after waking up and stretching and reflecting
on how yesterday was so beautiful. My plans and strategies are fresh in
my head, and now after working both my mind, body and spirit nothing
can distract me from achieving my goals. Even if it is to make it to the
end of the day, I will. I walk with the Creator and no one else. What
people say or do has never mattered. I surround myself now only with
those that can reverberate what I'm willing to give, and that meant
that there were people that I loved that had to go. No offense to you,
the love is still there but it is from a distance. I will not have hindrance
from my progression thru mistrust, lack of respect or deceit, even from
loved ones. That was hard, but necessary. Believe me, the blessings pour
in, even for those I choose not to deal with any more.

And this is just Tuesday...

Imagine what Wednesday brings!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Hotep...

Acknowledge the problem. This is the first step to resolution, so I'll
admit that I have a problem...

I am an iPod whore.

There, I said it. The little white box with the matching headphones is
the digital equivalent to crack...

digicrack

Now, getting an iPod is almost like buying a car. The damn thing is quite
expensive for what it does, can't really justify buying the top of the line
model so you go economy. I got the 20 gig. The 40 is not too much, but
scary. No one should have that much space for music storage. I must say
that the thingee has a calender, contact list and picture storage as well
as a clock/alarm feature... all of the things crackwhores need out on the
stroll to make them successful. This obviously was duly noted to be
added to the pod' by the "crack staff" at Apple Labs, thus the
versatility of the module.

At first I had buyer's remorse, but know that as soon as you take the
damn thing out of the box, YOU WILL SCRATCH IT!!!, so refunds are
rare. Exchanges, maybe. After you put the buds in, it's over. Yours
forever. You become symbiont with a handheld hard drive with a screen
and an earphone jack. Make time to support your digicrack habit, it'll
consume you.

I currently have over 400 of my cuts (minus albums) on this thing, and
there is room for 4600 more... I'm scared. I cannot function without
those special little earbuds attached to my head, cramming
Parliment/Funkadelic, Nas, Omar, Nina Simone and King Pleasure in my
head during workout time and work hours. I'm sure you've seen my
"tuning out" thing below, I gotta change that ish... It is tru that I tune
out my co-workers so I won't have to talk to them. Folks are cool,
but... I'd rather not make a friend at work. Just my preference, that's
all.

The premise is that I should have a top ten list. Each day, due to the
amount of songs that this wonderful creation can hold should afford me a
top ten list each day of the week thanks to playlist creation. And, since
I complain a lot and am never in a good mood, I should have a top ten list
in accordance on how I feel that moment... There, THAT will replace
the "tune out" spot found below this post.

I noticed that most of my free time (which I don't have a lot of) is
spent for the betterment and glorification of music appreciation thru the
easy firewire transfer of my digicrack machine. I am never finished,
never satisfied. I must add more music. I need to add my entire musical
collection to the digicrack module. I am also in love with the shuffle, and
after my close to the edit cold turkey adventure at the gym yesterday,
I almost lost my precious portable player in a big, bad Ballys elliptical
machine. iPod shuffle y'all at the gym, don't procrastinate, support your
digicrack habit properly and buy the lil one for working out. You'll be glad
you did.

This mini machine can bitch the toughest, ass whipping rootin' tootin son
of a gun. Trust me. Some of the hardest nigga's I know got a whole lot
of Patti Labelle stored on the iPod, and I ain't gon' even trick off on the
cat that has the entire PM Dawn catalogue in a folder titled "memories",
not my job. I do have a ton of R&B stored and I am not ashamed either.
Prince takes up about 30% of the drive with anything Bernie
Worrell/George Clinton/Bootsy Collins coming in second at about 15%.
Anything Dre is third @ 7-10%. With the other 50% of the precincts
reporting, Nas, Rakim, D'Angelo, the Tony's (Wiggins fam) PE, BDP,
Juice Crew and... B-I-G G-I-E aka B.I.G. Get it, Biggie! I got to
shout Phyllis Hyman and Amel Larrieux (reminds me of an ex). I also got
the obligatory Issac Hayes/Barry White/Luther Van/Babyface/Bryan
McKnight/O'Jays/Kool and the Gang/Ohio Players/The Deele/The
Time/New Edition/Levert/Guy/Troop/Jodeci/Boyz II Men/Public
Announcemt/Kels soopagroovalistic playa-playa section with all the booty
music one can stand. That's a must.

Oh yeah, I forgot... Outkast gets the special treatment.

See what I mean!!! This mp3 player phenomenon is very addictive, forcing
you to pledge allegiance to your favorite artists. What I found is one
cannot live without some sort of musical accompaniment, and the creators
of these digicrack devices have honed in on this. One thing, @ $.99 a
pop you will help blowuptuate evil empire #2 in its efforts to get
everyone hooked on their latest drug. Now I can only help you to a point,
so there. Subscription based services only give you access to millions of
songs but once that either ends or is not renewed... POOF! Songs are
gone. The best thing I can tell you is to either borrow against the 401k,
do a little OT or sell a quarter O, cause' digicrack budgets are more
than most cat's cocaine habits. Start with your personal collection first,
then use my helplink above to add to that. Use the
iTunes/Napster/Rhapsody to first get the oldies and oddulars you can't
find around the way, then. Go used!

Until then... rehab is not an option.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Peace and blessings...

Fam, what the fock, man? How do you do it? As I'm sitting here tripping on
D'Angelo, I wonder how some of you put it on the line everyday and not snap the
f off at coworkers, friends and family.

I just wish things could be simple as hell. People, places and things over
complicate thangs, and that is a very depressing thing sometimes, so I pray. I
hold on as much as I can, but sometimes life kicks you square in the ass and
there is no stopping it. Now I'm not speaking about what I told y'all yesterday...
that, my friends is already handled: Protected by the red, the black and the green
(Hint: Pops, Junior and Spooky), with a key (ankh).

I go to work with the intentions of just working, I get there and there's a ton of
bullshit, most of it with my name all over it. I ask to be alone with my thoughts,
cause I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit, but people who love me and
know I'm flaky keep popping up and still ask me questions they know the answers
to. The rent is due (dammit, I'm speaking metaphorically!!!) and I've never been
late, so why are you here with your hand open calling yourself collecting?
Somehow, it always gets paid.

If life is a test, this is my midterm exam. I am being bombarded with questions that
have multiple answers, and my pencil eraser is on supa-low. Damn. The time you
need that big ass rubber eraser you're always caught with your pants down, but
not any more.

You see, this post is dedicated to all of the bad shit. The shit that eats at you,
that shit that holds you down, the shit that causes you to step in it so it can get in
the crevice of your shoe sole and stink all damn day. I see the shit and I am
stepping over it. I will not get shit on my shoes,and if I do, I will promptly clean
those martha fockers so the feces can't spread. For a minute, the shit almost had
me. That's why I carry baby wipes.

The Creator is also in the shit too. He wants to know if you're faithful. Needs to
know if you're loyal. The Creator already knows, but sometimes you bullshit
yourself, thus causing unnecessary bullshit.

Now check this out:

I wrote the stuff above early Jan 17, right? So I talk to my current love interest
and guess what? You got it... Bullshit. Now I promised that I would never reveal
anything about our relationship, so all I can say is this: I can do bad by myself. I
know I complain a lot, but I am thankful that I complain. Thing is... As much As I
complain, I do not worry, don't have to. I will not go on the faith thing right now
you heard that speech...

My faith and my love for folks have always been in question. The answer, Creator
first, everything follows after that. I never answered to anyone, and that's
probably why my ass is single. I have shared personal shit with you blog readers
that I never shared with my friends, cause I know they'll never read this, and to
date they haven't. So much for support.

I guess what I'm saying is, I never asked to be loved, and my love has always
been based on trust, so how can I trust anyone nevertheless love someone
(hard) that has already placed judgement on me, and I have remained non partial
when it came to bullshit. You see, BS happens and like I wrote above, step over
it. So here's a shout to all of my ex's: Haven't spoke to y'all in a minute, would be
nice to hear from ya'... I know that at least one of y'all know that blackisms exists,
so if you're reading this... call a brother... Oh snap, I forgot... my phone numbers
have changed, so email a nigga... according to my most recent ex, I've been back
on the ho stroll for quite some time!!!

It's funny because I chose celibacy in this phase in my life. Sex brings bullshit...
and for some reason, although I fell like I'll explode any moment now, I have been
bullshit free relationship wise for over a month now. It is indeed the tie that binds
souls... now if I can find the antidote and undo what I've done...

I really believe that making love cannot be done outside of marriage. I have been
convinced by recent actions. I loved, but love means nothing without deep
commitment in the eyes of the Lord. Anything outside of that is a lie. I have to
admit that I have lived a lie. Damn! It does hurt, because your intention is not to
destroy, but build. But, building does come at a price, relationships done without
spirituality are meaningless. I just got out of one to prove that point. God Bless...
He's out there, he's just not me.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Hotep brothers and sisters:

Peace and blessings in the name of the most high...

So I took a break, so what? Well, I did get a chance to read all of your
email. I also got a chance to catch up on some sleep too. I feel a little
refreshed, but I do have something to share with you. It took me a
while to put this together for more than one reason, but the main
ingredient is here for you to ingest.

People ask me all the time: "Are you healthy? How's the weight? What
the hell is that you're eating and is it what you're supposed to be
munching on?" I get it all the time. You see, i'm diabetic, and what I put
in my body is gravely important, especially after what I recently learned.

A couple of Thursdays ago, I got a checkup. Everything was fine, until I
got a phone call recently and found that the results of my optical exams
were not as good as I thought. I lost a little of my eyesight. Now I did
not say that I am going blind, or in 6 months I will be like Ray Charles
or something, but there is some blurriness and what I like to call
un-sharpness due to the optic nerves being so small, and at one point
hardening of the arteries due to my diabetes.

The stress is there because the optic nerve is the smallest vessel that
blood travels through, and when sugars are high, it restricts flow,
causing blurriness. Don't get it twisted, I manage my blood sugars to the
point where I have almost lost jobs (in private, away from my crew or
workroom floor, so sometimes i'm missing in action), and my 6 month
check (called the A1C for those counting) was at an all time low (very
good to excellent). That does not mean that I am out of danger.
Diabetes is the number one cause of blindness in adults 25-40.

Diabetic retinopathy happens to all diabetics sometime in their life. It is
a result of being diabetic over time. It happens to both healthy and
unhealthy diabetics. Time is a major factor for all. Either you are
affected and treat it, or you're not.

So I adjust. More carotene, B12 and vitamin A. More fasting and
prayer. More continuous control over my blood sugars. More testing every
6 months and more awareness about this problem, because I am not the
only one. We detected a very treatable result of retinopathy in its early
stages. Nearly half of all diabetics develop this before 40, not too far
off for me.

I'll try my best to continue to blog. I will continue to take photos, y'all
just gon' have to work with me, there are a lot of things I must learn to
adjust to. Untreated retinopathy causes blindness, so, if you can read
this and you're a member in my club, check your sugars, get off your ass
and get them pupils dialated and checked out! I'm gon' be aiight, what
about you?

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Van glorious....
Peace and blessings in the name of the most high!
I am soooo glad this so-called holiday nonsense in over. I really do not
like that time of year, and all of the fronting done by those looking to
receive some sort of gift is utterly ridiculous. I think I graced a mall
with my presence once or twice, and that was just to get close to
someone, hang out and chill, and that backfired.

I am glad that some of you find blackisms palatable, I am also glad that
I have haters out there, you keep me on my toes and keep me in
constant thought. Now i'm not saying that the people that have sent me
bad email or comments drive me to either do or not do something, what I
am saying is that I am my own worst critic and to have someone right
there with me is really a show of support, so thanks. Now I don’t have
to say it. You can... and keep it coming!

I urge you to know that blackisms is not for you. Yes, you. It is also not
for me either. I have already been forgiven for my sins, so this is not a
forum for apologies. I chose to write about my life events just because.
Maybe someone other than you can learn from my missteps and not be
me. The world would be a better place if it had less "me" in it. Too much
Hassan is not a good thing... and another thing, don't EVER call me
Hans. That was so yesterday.

I try not to acknowledge the perpetual Roman calendar outside of
respecting other people's use of it, and of course business purposes. I am
not keen on the so-called new year. I see this time we have here as
just time. There is a lot of it, and it does not stop for you, so do
whatever. Just do. I am trying to do, and because I have renounced my
concept of time, this helps me work at my "what" (you do remember the
what don't you?) and I am surprised at my progress. I have a long way
to go before I can call myself whole. I am right in the middle with my
fight to become a man and my questions regarding the Creator and what
He has left for us grow now that more simplistic ones have been
answered.

I feel that my quest to know will take me from Chicago. I love this place
and hate it in the same breath. I wish I could stay forever and I can't
wait to leave at the same time. Back in the day, I traveled to a couple
of places (just a couple) in Europe, and do not wish to go there. A couple
of years ago, my ex's Mother went to Ghana, and was a changed woman
when she came back. A trip to the Motherland!!! Now that is van glorious!
I feel not that I have to go to Afrika to create a link with my cousins,
but I must travel Babylon to connect with my siblings. I must connect
with the so-called 12% and the only way I know how is to be where
you be.

When I can, I will come to where you are and take photos to show the
rest of the fam how you're living. I will also set up a journal and
chronicle my travels and how I was treated. When time permits, I will
transcribe some of my most innermost blackisms and convert them to
mp3 and hide them somewhere on the site. Easter eggs if you will. I will
be adding my photo albums from travels and events covered. I will try to
be current. I will try to answer email. The only thing I cannot let go at
the moment are my writings. That, you'll have to buy. How will the plane
tickets get paid for?

I am also politicking with the brothers and sisters that still make
traveling and fellowship worthwhile. My faith gives me more clarity, so
mosques, synagogue and temple will be visited in an effort to learn what
makes us tick and what makes us keep the money in the family. There is
a commonality and an extreme difference in "what" that we do, and I
want to get to know y'all, seeing as we all have opinions but they are
based on how we came up.

I will keep my posts enjoyable. Understand that they are posts, and not
cryptic messages as some have suggested. I have no problem getting at
the folks I need to get to. I am very appreciative by the emails and
posts in the guestbook. Know that it will go away soon and will be
replaced with a chat forum. DJ Morning Man from mixtapemobile.com will
be providing the sounds that blackisms desperately needs, and the poetry
that has been asked for will be provided in mp3 form. I do have
recordings from some of my performances. Enjoy, this stuff never
belonged to me in the first place.