Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Summary of my weekend... sort of because I got more. I just don't wanna make you read all of that stuff right now...

I've visited a few places in my short life. I remember visiting Atlanta in 1989 I think, okay, I don't have a clue because I was a whole lotta drunk, drudging through the annual festival of flesh with some old Army buddies I wouldn't dig up if you paid me to.

I had a job interview to dance for this past Saturday. I won't get into what new slave chain I might attach to in the Matrix, I just felt that at 35 I have few shots at jobs aimed at younger cats so I got down there and did my thing.

What I don't remember on my last visit is the beauty and splendor that is Georgia. As I rode into GA I was damn near moved to tears on the taste of the air alone. Now I lived in Colorado Springs back in my early Army days and I cannot remember such a sweet smell while living all up in the mountains. Breathing was more of a escalated experience, an event if you will rather than a body function based on necessity. Taking in the earth tones, the red clay, the greens of the trees and the fresh air blended into sky blue regardless of day or night reminded me on how much of a gift it is to be alive.

I got to Atlanta from Chicago in under 9 hours. I left the Chi late (doing stuff around the house) but was glad that I hit the road around midnight because the roads were empty, the cops were snoozing and I was able to speed 90% the way there. I had a physical exam to do early that afternoon and I wanted to get some rest before I exerted myself physically at the tryouts, but I had an obstacle. I went to the Days Inn to check into my room. I wanted to stretch out and just get in a zone of quiet to focus, I am competing for a job against literally thousands of other potential candidates, I had to get my thing together. So I get to the hotel, printed reservation confirmation in hand, bags over shoulders and then I got hit with a big resounding NO at the front desk. I got bumped. I totally forgot in my excitement that the NCAA tournament was there as well. I also found out that Van Hunt, Mint Condition and Elephant Man (as well as a few b performers) were performing all around the city that weekend.


I have no room.

I drove around the entire city looking for a vacancy. I learned a few driving tips and was all up into these maps I bought to get from place to place in order to find a room.

No dice.

The city is filled with sports hungry fans, family members of college basketball players and from what I witnessed hotels full of press corps and the cats that run cables, point TV cameras and work in those big ass broadcast vehicles. Not glamorous at all... Oh well. I know that my room was probably sold for a whole lot more than I was willing to pay. I did not know about the extended stay joints near the airport. Cheap as hell and you can get in there for 7 days at about 25-30% more than I paid to stay in some old, crusty all motel.

Yep, that's right, I ended up on the ho stroll on Cheshire Bridge Road. I saw some shit... Never mind, that's a whole other post. I didn't stay long in that room, I think for my damn near $100 I spent 4 hours total in that shack. In order to watch TV, one had to flip the switch on the wall near the door to get it to come on. That shit was funny. The TV was one of them solid state joints from when I was a kid with a busted control panel. Someone plucked off all the buttons. The remote was a newer Wal-Mart special with mismatched batteries. There was a short in the remote, so no TV for me.

The room was a clean as a Bates Motel room could be, but it was still creepy as all get out. I took a chair and put it between the 2 beds that came with the room. That's where I slept from 4:45am to damn near 9. In the chair, feet propped, one eye open.

Good thing about the room, I didn't have to 'stay' there. I called and ran into a few old friends and a somewhat new one. I heard from an old friend's ex and was told the reason she lives in Buckhead and why he's doing his thing in Decatur alone. I didn't visit her, but we chatted on the phone for a good hour. I also called and hung out with a few cats I didn't know very well, but was shown the facilities at Atlanta Pro Audio, a popular spot off of 85 for budding heat spitters and wanna be producers. Unfortunately I heard nothing trackwise that I liked or was willing to buy as far as my album is concerned. I did meet a few cats that I might want to work with there, and I was convinced that there are much more resources for me in media in Atlanta than in Chicago. One thing, I'm very old school in my approach to what I rock and I might agree that the gully ass ATL sound rocking right now might gain me additional audience with a younger crowd but I think I'll pass and stick to my sound which has a more mellow and mature sound to me. Time tells a lot.

I also got a chance and somewhat pick the brain and spend time with someone I've been wanting to meet for quite some time now. Not enough time spent though. That, my reader was one of the highlights of my trip. Nuff said. Brain picking is essential to me being where I need to be in my life. I have to know. All the time. So I will ask.

Saturday night was spent at a records release party/concert/networking event. Loud, crowded and full of players. I blended in well, no one knowing I was an outsider until conversation and card exchange. I highly recommend getting your ass down to the ATL if you have a new CD with grocery store muzak. You might get a deal. I was able to do something I could not do in New York or in Chicago: I talked with real VP's and Label owners that actually were listening to lil old me. I didn't give the secrets of the temple, but I pitched a few people on some stuff the Chicago fam already knows about. I already got 2 phone calls (one yesterday, one today) from folks that want to hear more than they have and get me back down there. I also need to get on the ball with my press kit so I can put my bid on doing a showcase down there at a popular spot.

Can you feel that?


Cause I'm all tingly too.

I stayed out till 3 in the morning politicking and standing in a parking lot listening to beats and track concepts. Atlanta is filled with gifted musicians and non-musically trained trackmakers. That alone makes the trip worth it. Resources to do my thing. There is another reason I want to make that move and actually live there, and it has nothing to do with mixing boards and unfinished album tracks... That land with it's red clay and greener trees keeps calling me.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Okay, so I spent the weekend in Atlanta...

I broke in the new bucket by putting German Engineering to the test. It started like this...

I had to do something about that, so I did this...

Which ended up being like this...

and I got to see things like this...

and this...

and this...

hooked up with my brother from another mother and was shown this...

and the celebrity that comes with it...

I was so busy (driving and reading maps, shopping and meeting with friends) that I didn't get many pix in the ATL. I did meet and had a great time with a fellow scribe and one damn creative sista of a blogger blogger Nikki (narritives be off the chizzle)... but missed the pow wow over at Barley’s Billards on Peachtree Friday night and to think, I wasn't far from there at all, just arrived a day late.

I now know that I enjoy long drives alone. Not that I wouldn't have minded a travel partner or partners, but I was efficient in my handling of the trip. Met a ton of new friends and am in the process of establishing roots (businesswise) in the greater Atlanta metro area.

But I ended up like this (and that is a couple of hours ago - arriving back in the Chi running errands)

All in all, I really enjoyed myself. I'll probably get in depth about certan people, places and events throughout the week, but right now... I'm tired. And I gotta go to work.

Peace until the next ep.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Not just knee deep...

I've been knee deep in the bush the past couple of days. It seems that I have time to rest and that's good, but other than that when I leave the house I'm locked into work.

Well, everything seems like work these days, regardless of what the action is.

Recording the current music project is fun, I get a chance to make a dent doing something that I truly enjoy. I just need to keep focus and remember that this is my opportunity to provide that missing element that I complain about in hip hop. I know that in the grand scope of things I'm just one cat, but I know if Al and I maintain that focus and keep quality and enjoyment on our minds then we'll do just that. Drop a quality album that will provide some serious satisfaction and my people will enjoy and appreciate that. Damn, it is for the love!

Yaz, my darling. (that's me dammit, how dare you!!!) This is all that I've been talking about... If you've been following along for a minute, you know that I am an artist and that this is my big indy joint scheduled for release this spring. What I wanted to do is give you all a chance to hear the drafts and have input on what the final tracks sound like. I know that there are dead spaces and extra shit, but know that THESE ARE DRAFTS. Nothing final has been scheduled for this or other tracks I plan on posting.

I hope you enjoyed me posting that newly recorded joint from the other day. In order for me to make quality music I do need feedback and I'd like it from you. I do plan on posting a few more songs here in the near future. You see, I figure if you help craft these joints then you and others would be inclined to buy the finished project seeing as it's something that you enjoy that much more because you had your hand all up in the production process. You know, for the people, by the people. I still need feedback, so the most recent joint is still over there on the right, just click on the play button, listen to the track and give a brother a little critique.

Don't get it twisted, I am more of a poet these days than a lyricist, and we are recording them joints as well with live instrumentation. It takes so much more attention and detail recording live music. To have others see your vision and interpret it is a whole different animal. I have a certain thing happening in my head and I depend on Al to sync with me to provide proper direction to the band. I am a writer and he is a composer. Whenever Al adds his flavor to my words after hearing the concept of a track that I have embedded in my mind it becomes something else. It becomes neutral in the sense that is no longer my idea alone. We then start tweaking things to better complement the vocals, but this time with the verses I've written we're going to attempt to have the music stand alone and partner that with verse. We plan on adding song, the element of hip hop flow and sensual funk grooves to create an experience for the listener. This is hard work, and timing (and available time) is everything. With poetry being my bread and butter these days it is imperative that I lay some of my better and more in depth joints down because I need a recorded body of work to represent me as I travel and speak to you. In other words, I'm tired of having folks ask if I have a CD when I'm at the spot spitting... Plus, to actually get a little loot to help the cause shows the love is really, really there. I got a day job, so I ain't thirsty.


I've again given thought to making music my full time hustle, but I remember years ago us actually pursuing a record deal and me acting an outright ass because I actually predicted the whole indy thing and I wanted the creative freedom that came with that. Not that I'm Nostradamus or anything, but I knew the internet would change the game and with all of the home versions of hardware and software available (I got some, access to the rest) to budding musicians, one could make an album in their bedroom, get critical acclaim (see: Cody ChestnuTT) and strike a distribution deal and keep most of the profits related to mechanical royalties, thus keeping the majority share of one's publishing. Plus, one could lease his or her masters to a label and have a reasonable buyback rate when the label finished pimping the album(s). We watched Master P, Public Enemy, Prince and Elton John (as well as countless others) keep a high percentage of their publishing and keep ownership of the masters as well as doing P&D (pressing and distribution deals, where the label gets 35% of the profit for manufacturing the CD's and shipping them to record stores using their freight systems) deals and then because they own the masters, they can offer downloads of both whole albums and single songs that go directly to them (and not the labels) over the past decade and a half. Look at where it got them. I/we weren'tÂ’t ready to get into publishing and self direction as far as owning a label back then was concerned anyway. Plus, record labels and their minions (read: A&R's) were in straight denial on the future of music. They pumped us with this "you really need the record label" type of shit, basically telling us that we wouldn't survive without the direction and money provided by the label, and that we needed to 'phase' our creative direction in segments and give the public pieces of us... Basically string them along with one concept for a year or two, maybe three so that the legs of an album can stretch. In other words, compose one album with a limited budget and follow direction from someone that has no clue as to what dimensionn your creative flow came from and then stretch this snapshot of how you felt at that moment (as an artist) for about 2 to three years so one can get 3 to 4 singles out of the album.


That's why we never got a damn record deal. I could never imagine being that much of a puppet, I mean did you listen to that joint I posted the other day? How would I be able to maintain my platform? I'm not going to lie, the more love I get out there on the road the more I want to make getting out there a permanent part of me doing my thing. As with blogging, I get a little deep and introspective (this being my therapy), and reading and responding to you that have made my little blogspot a regular destination has become a part of my life that has this gratifying, satisfying sense of fulfillment. I've even gotten a little deep and personal with a person or two since I started blogging (okay, only one person that I got my bond on with, but the experience has taught me a thing or two... Positively, regardless of what she says), so imagine what it would be like to travel and to just speak my pieces and bond with y'all on a regular basis. To get paid to chop game with folk that wanna chop it with you... Damn. Almost gets me moist down there in my nether regions.

Yup, I'm quitting my job. I should do this full time.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Some help please?

I've been busy working and writing on my latest project and I would like a little help.

If you look to your right, there's a little grayish box that has a joint we recorded Sunday night. It's a draft, but much of what you hear will make the final mix. I just want to know what you think about it and if you would groove to it.

That's right... Help me produce this joint by critiquing it and providing suggestions.

I already shared it with my closest personals already and got some feedback, I thought it would be fair if I did the same with my blogfam. Note that I have never shared unfinished work before... Also, I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive bout' my shit.


Just let me know what's really good.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Fatty Fatty, Fat fat...

So I call my boss Monday morning and let them know that I have an appointment Tuesday morning to get some teeth pulled and that I would be taking Monday as my pain day. So why at the end of the day Wednesday I get this letter on some "you didn't call" shit?

It ain't the letter, it's the phone call. We have a policy when one covers the phones for another on lunch or training or something that we should write names and subject matter down and also gather the phone number using the caller ID feature to make better messages... It's a marketing firm, okay?
I spoke with the VP Monday, you would think that she took notes during my phone call, right? The letter stated that I did not indicate my whereabouts for 2 days and that I was seriously needed and pretty much abandoned the crew by not being at work.


say it with me fam:

As some know, I fast various times during the year. My girl from the left coast Chubbs is amazed with my routine and fasting abilities. Let me explain:

I was fat
I hated being fat
I'm still kinda fat
I have diabetes
I learned some things about nutrition, supplementation and kinesiology
I got motivated to live... A little too much
I got extreme with that stuff
It stuck with me

I found out that by moving from the 220's to 380's (when I left the hospital after being diagnosed with diabetes) put so much of a shock on my system that if I would have stayed that large I would have probably died from a stressed heart, stroke or malfunctioning body parts brought on by overworking my innards due to obesity. I also witnessed the ignorance and self destruction of many a person when I was going to gastric bypass support group sessions. Although I was a biggun, I watched and heard some of the weakest reasons as to why one eats and the method (how/what/frequency/triggers) that causes overeating. I got angry because some of these folks seemed like good people but were so ignorant in how to care for self. I watched circulation, heart strength and overall esteem get worse in most of them, and as we were all waiting for our respective insurance companies to approve the surgery I was disappointed with being in that environment, so I pulled out of the process and just decided to eat things that wouldn't trigger my blood sugars to surge off the meter and lose weight by working out like I did in the Army.

I wasn't that morbidly obese, so the weight surgery thing was just not for me. Getting away from that depressed state and what I thought were sore excuses to remain fat by the other candidates really worked for me. I also dated and lived with a personal trainer for 5 years and saw what lifting a weight and 'eating clean' can do. That worked as well. I also befriended this brother at the post office who introduced me to yoga and tai chi later in my relationship with Ms. Hardbody. He also put me in touch with a Mistre of Capoeira and I wanted to move like that. I wanted to be thin again, not for vanity, but I missed moving freely and sleeping without apnea. I was also embarrassed by the words of my ex of 14 years. In the last year or so of the relationship, she would call me "pig" under her breath as we would converse and she thought that I couldn't hear her. There was also a joke between friends that I would smother her as we slept in our bed. I am 5'11 and she is barely 5 feet tall, and she put it out there that one night I trapped her against a wall as I slept and she could not break free from her 'prison'. Imagine that mother fucking pain. Imagine how it felt the first time I realized that the woman I loved, wanted to have bare my seed and shared a home with would slip in "pig" as we had conversation. All the time. You talk about hateration, imagine what it feels like to actually be hated by the one you depend on for emotional and spiritual support. I could never be the same after some shit like that.

I hated myself for taking that.
I hated being fat.
She hated me as well and was afraid to leave the relationship until I forced the issue.
It was a part of my persona to be the 'big friendly guy' that let things go.
Damn that

I hated having sleep apnea and being teased about my snoring and gaps in breathing while asleep. I started staying up all night in efforts not to sleep. I even took an overnight shift at the post office in order to not sleep with my ex. That shit worked until I got seniority and got a day shift...

Over time, learning about my people and the resources found in Africa, basically our diet before slavery, and the forced diet that has killed many of good black folk since the middle passage and our reluctance to speak on it. We continue to remain silent and eat bullshit based off of what someone else dictates and it still causes internal problems for us. Learning that 99.999% of all black folk are lactose intolerant, learning about steroids and how bodybuilders use insulin and other hormones to manipulate the body to maximize muscle and keep it as lean body mass, taking a nutrition course and living with vegetarians over the years showed me how to eat and manipulate my body. Learning how to eat to live (eating live foods with actual working enzymes) later in my learning process was my turning point. I learned that I didn't have to live as a fat miserable person. How I did that was the thing that could still kill me.

I use the word fat because that's exactly what I was. No one showed concern in my fatness except for my mother. My ex of 14 years quietly and strategically teased and taunted me for being fat and sex became non existent. My friends loved my 'Fat Albert' type persona: always upbeat and trying to solve shit. I hated feeling the misery that only another diabetic person feels when blood sugars are too high. If you know one, ask one.
I found an elliptical machine.

I gave up meat for about a year in 2000.
I worked out at the gym and worked hard overnight as a mail handler at the post office.

I lost my right knee in an accident at the post office in 2000 and had the surgery in 2001. I was still over 300 pounds when I started my rehab program at rehab facility called Athletico. This place also does conditioning and rehab for the Chicago White Sox, the Chicago Fire and the Chicago Bears, and I met a few athletes rehabbing sports injuries there. They put me to shame, once again I was embarrassed. I was 30 and these cats were in their 20's and had more spunk and worse injuries than I had and they bounced back so damn quickly. I had to find out how.

My competitive nature helped fuel a time where all I did was take Hydroxycut and drink MetRx shakes for a couple of months when I started rehab. I didn't like being the fat, slow guy at the facility. By this time, I had broken up with my long time ex and was knee deep in a relationship with the personal trainer. She worked thru grad school part time at a supplement store where the manager sold steroids and pro hormones as a side hustle. I ended up getting my steroid MBA from the manager dude and a few other cats from World Gym and Bally's Total Fitness (downtown Chicago, just ask) as well as a few athletes rehabbing at Athletico. Say what you want about Barry Bonds getting angry and wanting to improve his physique and wanting better performance, I improved both my foot and hand speed in rehab as well as dropping a noticeable amount of fat tissue and gaining a little muscle experimenting with pro-hormones and I had no problems with side effects. I learned that if you use the recommended dosage as opposed to overusing like a lot of folks do, you'll be fine. So yes, I've cheated before.

Insulin (duh)
Andro (dione and diols)

Go ahead, Google those items and see what you come up with. If you need some additional info on cycling, how to eat using these substances and how to make the pro-hormones trigger a positive nitrogen balance (like real steroids do) and how to mask the steroids to not get caught, then shoot me a private message. Although I no longer use illegal substances, if you are diabetic and use insulin, there is a method that non-diabetic bodybuilders use to gain mass and lose adipose tissue with insulin. Illegal for them, but not for you. The key is triggering certain hormones to release and eating certain foods to help manipulate carbs and cals certain times during the day. You still have to do intense cardio and actually lift weights to get results from any mass building plan, so don't think that you just inject shit and lose fat. Not even a dream for those that want to lose.

I used these substances at different times from 2000 to 2002 and lost the bulk of my fatty tissue. I did not become a behemoth of a muscleman, but I did wane myself off of insulin and lost my apnea as a result of losing weight. It also increased my sexy. I was that intense and extreme in my thinking in getting in some semblance of being in shape that I did a few things to get there quicker than most. Don't trip, there are many a politician, actor and athlete as well as TV personalities and old cats trying to hang on that are all up in the juice bottle or popping a pill or two. I do not feel guilty for what I did. A few people with more than 15 minutes of fame that worked out downtown Chicago that would see me actually egged me on and asked me about some of the stuff I was taking when I started losing weight. Whatever, man. Everybody wants an edge. I do not recommend the taking of these substances to anyone. I studied hard and long and did develop cycles and regimens with cats that were vets in that business in order to keep from hurting myself and overusing.

I did distance myself from chemical use after learning that residue can exist in my lymph nodes for the rest of my life and can come back and hurt me (think Lyle Alzado). I also found out that the IGF LR-3 substance grows EVERYTHING it touches, including cancerous tissues.

That's when I started fasting and taking herbs. I knew I had fucked up supplementing like I did, so I reversed course and became all 'herbal' in my approach. The rest of my progress into becoming a normal sized person has been slow, but natural all the same. I still dabble with fat burners, but for the most part, all of the cool (chemical) ingredients have been banned by the guv'ment, so think placebo when you think metabo/hydroxy whatever.

I also realized that my muscle tissue became too dense when I was using and will rip away from the tendons, causing lots of injuries. I now stretch and use yoga positions to keep flexibility and blood flow to a maximum (a must for diabetics) in my lower extremities and tai chi to strengthen parts that the machines at the gym just can't strengthen. I stay away from meats because of growth hormone and mad cow shit, and I avoid a lot of junk because the main ingredient it's packaging is high fructose corn syrup (a no-no for a diabetic), so most of what I do (cardio-fasting-weight training-yoga) is for my own survival. The 99 cent menu can't be my friend if I wanna live to see past 60. I found tons of MRP's (meal replacement powders)and ready to drink shakes that fill me up and give me exactly what I need to be nourished for the day. I still supplement and use multivitamins as well. Ask any diabetic, and they will tell you of the 'feeling', this invisible monkey on your back that is nothing short of misery imported from hell. This is why I can avoid certain foods and get my ass in the gym deep in the crack of dawn's ass. This is why 2 a day cardio sessions ain't no thing. Elevated blood sugars, bad eyesight and painful, creaky legs with limited blood flow is not an option for this 35 year old.

Damn that.

I like having that normal feeling like everyone else. I'll fight for that. A few years ago I risked my permanent health to get it by injecting and popping shit I knew could be harmful, today, I just try to manage my time and just get to Capoeira rhodas, yoga classes and empty elliptical machines. I have also picked up marathon skating (hint #1) training for something special I got planned in a couple of months.

I gotta stay halfway in shape. It's either that or me being fat and miserable.

So there.

Oh, and my born date is April 20

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Okay, I had a couple of teeth pulled, got a root canal and I just got in from a night out drinking.

I know, I know that sounds a little suspect, but I needed to get out. I didn't drink much, I had a drink or two, that's it. Nothing that would raise eyebrows or anything... Having teeth pulled is a pretty normal thing these days. Phase one of my smile reconstruction has started, and the pain is nothing compared to when I had my knee worked on as well as the rehab process. I have to get all my dental work done before I leave the country.

Say it with me y'all: "Whatever"

Training is going well, me writing new verses is also well. The CD should be very nice. I hope I'm received well. I had to miss a few sessions due to mouth pain, but I wrote new stuff and found new material to embellish upon, so it was a fair exchange I guess. I also start yet another fast come Thursday, this one lasting until my born day. I don't believe in birthdays, but I do fast one day for every year, so this year it's 35... We're doing it different this time, supplementing with protein shakes and MRP's along with juicing. I usually do carrot and beet juice on the regular, and believe me it makes you regular, but this time the balance of my diet will be strictly vegetable juices and scoopable protein-based drinks for a month and five days. When I was 400 pounds and miserable, I pulled an Oprah and did MetRx shakes for 2 months in an attempt to lose weight fast, so this will be a breeze. Plus, I gotta drop another 30 or so pounds for my little secret project anyway, so with cardio twice a day and endurance training 3 times weekly, I should cracked the hell out and be looking all thin and gait real soon. Lawd, what we do to cleanse and stay healthy. Did I mention colonics and rolfing as well?


I miss IM'ing during the day.

I almost missed fried chicken last week, until I re-educated myself on the KFC process.

I realize that I'll miss my Mom when I leave. I have to find a way to have her visit me when I get over there.

It looks like I'll be working with Millennium Promise in one of their villages. Time will tell exactly where I'll be. To get info, an education on what must be done to end poverty or to donate, click this: I hope that I'm not the only one willing to do something for our cousins... I also know that we got problems over here, but... Over there, is no 99 cent menu. Or clean water.

I need to medicate... I'll holla later

Oh, and Yazmar: Today's lunch special: scraped butt crust patte on focaccia bread with booger laced croutons

And Lynn: I see you... Keep moving, don't stop baby. I'm moving with you, we can do it together, if you let me.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Better, Stronger. Faster.

Okay, so I'm trying to grow a beard. I don't plan on cutting it off until I complete my very important, but secret task that some of you (not all... Sorry, in due time) know that I'm prepping for. I noticed something:

I have gray hairs on the undercarriage.

A lot of gray friggin hairs.

Now last summer, I cut all of my facial hair off and looked that kid with the new clothes scared to ask where the bookstore is, sweating somewhere in the middle of campus.

Wow. I see my age. Interesting how time has passed and how I've been treated. I still feel young enough to dunk on Shaq or tackle Bettis on the 1 even though I've been through a myriad of surgeries and multiple bouts of physical therapy. I suffered a deep cut on my knuckle last Tuesday helping a friend put together a cabinet system. I needed 3 stitches after seeking medical help due to continuous bleeding. I didn't get the stitches (machismo/army/stubbornness). After hours of direct pressure and getting blood on my bedroom wall (it bled while I slept) the deep cut (from a very sharp pocket knife right into the knuckle... Shit!) healed and no longer bothers the middle digit on my left hand. I still heal quickly 10 years after discovering my diabetes. Slow healing/bad circulation my ass! I'm impressed with my healing abilities.

But now that I see my graybeard, I worry that I'll slow down, eventually coming to a grinding halt. I know that it's probably hereditary or just a part of my aging process, but damn, it's a ton of hair and it makes me look like someone's pappy. I ain't ready for that, so I trimmed away the gray. I now look like a man in his mid life with the beard already, but not like Grady cause I'm all grayed out down there. Maybe I should have kept it and went for the senior special at Denny's... Shit, I don't eat meat. Never mind, that meat lover's special looks painful nowadays anyway.

Cardio in the morning
Cardio in the evening
Cardio makes the fat fall down.
And off.

I gotta agree with Bizzare's statement from Celebrity Fit Club. I do not like being small. It takes away my imposing presence, or at least it feels that way. Until I joined the Army, I was 5'6" and 168 pounds. No one picked with me, but I felt small compared to the cats on the football team and other oversized kids snacking on the newly found growth hormone'd out mass produced animals.

I grew up and out while in the Army in a good way. When I left, I was 5'10" and 225 with less than 12% bodyfat. Giving up meat last year has shaved 40 pounds off quickly and I finally saw what other people have been telling me since I've made efforts to get back to my old form. It shook me a little, but I understand. I have always seen myself as a larger cat, even though I ain't tall at all. Seeing myself now... Smaller, older, hairline back a little and the undercarriage of my face all gray confirms some thought:

The Creator Has A Master Plan.


He wants my stank ass here. For something, and I gotta make adjustments in seeing myself like this and agreements in being here in this capacity. I am not a kid anymore, even though I still get carded on a great shaving day. I must approach the gray/hairline/weight situation with the same calmness I do when disaster strikes. Just ride it out, baby. I can outrun, outlift and out endure Hassan from 14 years ago. 14 friggin years since I exited the Army, and I can outdo that younger cat! Yoga and stretching make me more flexible, 2 a days make me more fit and age and experience makes me more smarter. The secret project that I prep and train for makes me see... Exposes me to me and I'm glad for it. I wondered what I would get out of preparing, and now I know. I can't wait to tell you guys what I have planned. In due time. First, let me add some smooth and sophistofunk to my repritoie.

I like the older me. I wish I could have known... Nah, takes the element of surprise outta it.

can't sleep.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

He was from here

He showed what is was like to be here

Thursday, March 02, 2006

An Open Letter To My Mental and Musical Doppleganger

Hey you,

It ain't never been about a single person in my life, it's always damn near never been about me. I never pointed you out or called your name. You have not been singled out. I dove into the depth of a person or two in my lifetime and I've shared my innermost and never gave thought of you or others for that matter exposing or exploiting me. I don't care about that because I love you. I never even cared about those that didn't stick around for one reason or another, they
wrote me off when you still believed in me and my crazy ways. I am always going to does what I do baby, but this? You surely jest.

This time is uniquely and selfishly mine. I got this. It ain't about you. When I said that I am no longer needed by friends or family I meant in the capacity you used to have me in. I no longer need to be there. You are just as mature as me. You have a telephone, can get to the internet and have a mailbox... We can still send smoke signals, you know? If I were still needed to be right there, I would have been, and since we don't hang now, it tells me that I should hang elsewhere. Don't take offense, I still love you and if you wanna hang, I'm sure we will. I am needed somewhere else at this time.

I still have your number.

And I know where you live.

And I know what you did last summer.

I still know what you did last summer.

It's not that I'm not happy, I just need to satisfy myself with things that I want to do when and how I want to do them. You know me, I never have followed the rules. There's something about following rules set by someone else that totally sucks, and you know that I have a problem with authority, right?

So what's the fuss? (insert Stevie here - loves that Prince lick!)

You never got up in arms when I went over there and done that thing...

Never complained when I got with ol' girl, even though you warned me...

Never slapped me in the back of the head at the car dealership... That shit was $500 a month!

What about that job that one time, you knew I wasn't going to last six months but did you say anything?

I ain't picking with you, I just want you to know that when I say I'm not needed, it's based on you not calling like you used to, us not hanging like we did back in the day and us not hearing each other breathe on the phone while we surf the net or watch TV. You have somebody else to do that with you now. I have had them too, but now I have the splendiferous opportunity to branch out into the world of my dreams. I can do what I've always wished I did. The Creator has blessed me to be in this position. No wife, no kids, no multibillion dollar evil industry to babysit along with training Number Two, just me and my terribly inquisitive mind. In other words, I'm not thinking about anything else but me right now and how I plan to fill my glass.

If I do decide to make babies, I need stories to tell, adventures to share and lessons to pass on, and I can't obtain all of this sitting in an office or minding the minions snoozing their asses off over in cubicle city. I can no longer find new ways to stay awake in the meetings I'm supposed to be presenting for. I like my yoga class, but not when I have to rush to get back into traffic, thus smashing my peacful aura and all that comes with it. Donuts in the break room? Fuhggitabout. Power suits is my old style. I need to let my toes come out and get some air.

I'd rather be stuck in the airport.

And not ride in business class.

Once again, you know me. So stop playing and be happy that I can finally do what I've been yapping about for years on end and quit thinking that I'm all up in a self pity fest because I'm not. I'm quite happy that I will no longer have to do the perp walk with all of the wage slaves downtown.

So there...

Leave me alone, but call me if we're going to see the Chappelle flick. I gots to have the kettle corn this time.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Creator Has A Master Plan...

There was a time, when peace was on the earth,
And joy and happiness did reign and each man knew his worth.
In my heart how I yearn for that spirits return
And I cry, as time flies,
Om, Om.

There is a place where love forever shines
And rainbows are the shadows of a presence so divine
And the glow of that love lights the heavens above
And it's free, can't you see, come with me,

The creator has a master plan,
peace and happiness for every man
The creator has a working plan,
peace and happiness for every man
The creator makes but one demand,
happiness through all the land...

Pharoah Sanders/Leon Thomas

"The Creator Has A Master Plan" - 1968

Can you feel that?

Have you ever given thought to what The Creator has in store for you? Have you ever wondered why things are the way they are?

Do you belong with him?

Why is she talking a whole bunch of crap right now?

Why exactly did I get fired?

I hate this car...

I'm broke again.

I love my child, I just wish he/she would listen.

This is so cool, I am so blessed to have this.

I got over that cold real quickly.

She died? WTF? How did that happen?

See, we go thru so much BS involving our jobs, family, gossip, rumor and innuendo that we sometimes forget that God already has things in store for us. Sometimes, we never take the time to asses and get right with God. I am so guilty of having that lack of balance, because that's what a life hiccup is, lack of peace and balance spiritually. I am not a religious cat, but I yearn for spiritual balance at all times. I see that gaining definition in what the Creator has for me means me moving around, touching others and discovering where I'm needed next. That's why I'm not afraid to spend the paycheck to get out on the weekends and gig.

I need to get out there and see where God needs me.

What exactly do you think The Creator has in store for you and what do you plan to do about it? Is there a void right now for you that you feel needs to be filled? How do you plan to fill it and when? What keeps you from doing what you want:

(working at the job you hate but never quitting - being with someone that makes your flesh crawl, but y'all did the nasty last night - not saying I love you to the one person that really needs to validate your love for their sake... And sanity - going to that place because you wanna and can, but don't - confronting the obstacle that holds you back - quitting smoking, you can feel the cancer creeping in your lungs - kicking that sexual addiction - turning a blind eye to folk, especially family that need you in some way or another - eliminating the gambling habit you have, sacrificing necessities for vanity and pleasure... You know the rent/mortgage/car payment is due but you gotta get that outfit - saying NO to him/her - not getting a clue about being wanted by your employer/friends/family)

When will enough be enough and you'll be ready to obey the call of balance?