Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Friday, March 17, 2006

Fatty Fatty, Fat fat...

So I call my boss Monday morning and let them know that I have an appointment Tuesday morning to get some teeth pulled and that I would be taking Monday as my pain day. So why at the end of the day Wednesday I get this letter on some "you didn't call" shit?

It ain't the letter, it's the phone call. We have a policy when one covers the phones for another on lunch or training or something that we should write names and subject matter down and also gather the phone number using the caller ID feature to make better messages... It's a marketing firm, okay?
I spoke with the VP Monday, you would think that she took notes during my phone call, right? The letter stated that I did not indicate my whereabouts for 2 days and that I was seriously needed and pretty much abandoned the crew by not being at work.


say it with me fam:

As some know, I fast various times during the year. My girl from the left coast Chubbs is amazed with my routine and fasting abilities. Let me explain:

I was fat
I hated being fat
I'm still kinda fat
I have diabetes
I learned some things about nutrition, supplementation and kinesiology
I got motivated to live... A little too much
I got extreme with that stuff
It stuck with me

I found out that by moving from the 220's to 380's (when I left the hospital after being diagnosed with diabetes) put so much of a shock on my system that if I would have stayed that large I would have probably died from a stressed heart, stroke or malfunctioning body parts brought on by overworking my innards due to obesity. I also witnessed the ignorance and self destruction of many a person when I was going to gastric bypass support group sessions. Although I was a biggun, I watched and heard some of the weakest reasons as to why one eats and the method (how/what/frequency/triggers) that causes overeating. I got angry because some of these folks seemed like good people but were so ignorant in how to care for self. I watched circulation, heart strength and overall esteem get worse in most of them, and as we were all waiting for our respective insurance companies to approve the surgery I was disappointed with being in that environment, so I pulled out of the process and just decided to eat things that wouldn't trigger my blood sugars to surge off the meter and lose weight by working out like I did in the Army.

I wasn't that morbidly obese, so the weight surgery thing was just not for me. Getting away from that depressed state and what I thought were sore excuses to remain fat by the other candidates really worked for me. I also dated and lived with a personal trainer for 5 years and saw what lifting a weight and 'eating clean' can do. That worked as well. I also befriended this brother at the post office who introduced me to yoga and tai chi later in my relationship with Ms. Hardbody. He also put me in touch with a Mistre of Capoeira and I wanted to move like that. I wanted to be thin again, not for vanity, but I missed moving freely and sleeping without apnea. I was also embarrassed by the words of my ex of 14 years. In the last year or so of the relationship, she would call me "pig" under her breath as we would converse and she thought that I couldn't hear her. There was also a joke between friends that I would smother her as we slept in our bed. I am 5'11 and she is barely 5 feet tall, and she put it out there that one night I trapped her against a wall as I slept and she could not break free from her 'prison'. Imagine that mother fucking pain. Imagine how it felt the first time I realized that the woman I loved, wanted to have bare my seed and shared a home with would slip in "pig" as we had conversation. All the time. You talk about hateration, imagine what it feels like to actually be hated by the one you depend on for emotional and spiritual support. I could never be the same after some shit like that.

I hated myself for taking that.
I hated being fat.
She hated me as well and was afraid to leave the relationship until I forced the issue.
It was a part of my persona to be the 'big friendly guy' that let things go.
Damn that

I hated having sleep apnea and being teased about my snoring and gaps in breathing while asleep. I started staying up all night in efforts not to sleep. I even took an overnight shift at the post office in order to not sleep with my ex. That shit worked until I got seniority and got a day shift...

Over time, learning about my people and the resources found in Africa, basically our diet before slavery, and the forced diet that has killed many of good black folk since the middle passage and our reluctance to speak on it. We continue to remain silent and eat bullshit based off of what someone else dictates and it still causes internal problems for us. Learning that 99.999% of all black folk are lactose intolerant, learning about steroids and how bodybuilders use insulin and other hormones to manipulate the body to maximize muscle and keep it as lean body mass, taking a nutrition course and living with vegetarians over the years showed me how to eat and manipulate my body. Learning how to eat to live (eating live foods with actual working enzymes) later in my learning process was my turning point. I learned that I didn't have to live as a fat miserable person. How I did that was the thing that could still kill me.

I use the word fat because that's exactly what I was. No one showed concern in my fatness except for my mother. My ex of 14 years quietly and strategically teased and taunted me for being fat and sex became non existent. My friends loved my 'Fat Albert' type persona: always upbeat and trying to solve shit. I hated feeling the misery that only another diabetic person feels when blood sugars are too high. If you know one, ask one.
I found an elliptical machine.

I gave up meat for about a year in 2000.
I worked out at the gym and worked hard overnight as a mail handler at the post office.

I lost my right knee in an accident at the post office in 2000 and had the surgery in 2001. I was still over 300 pounds when I started my rehab program at rehab facility called Athletico. This place also does conditioning and rehab for the Chicago White Sox, the Chicago Fire and the Chicago Bears, and I met a few athletes rehabbing sports injuries there. They put me to shame, once again I was embarrassed. I was 30 and these cats were in their 20's and had more spunk and worse injuries than I had and they bounced back so damn quickly. I had to find out how.

My competitive nature helped fuel a time where all I did was take Hydroxycut and drink MetRx shakes for a couple of months when I started rehab. I didn't like being the fat, slow guy at the facility. By this time, I had broken up with my long time ex and was knee deep in a relationship with the personal trainer. She worked thru grad school part time at a supplement store where the manager sold steroids and pro hormones as a side hustle. I ended up getting my steroid MBA from the manager dude and a few other cats from World Gym and Bally's Total Fitness (downtown Chicago, just ask) as well as a few athletes rehabbing at Athletico. Say what you want about Barry Bonds getting angry and wanting to improve his physique and wanting better performance, I improved both my foot and hand speed in rehab as well as dropping a noticeable amount of fat tissue and gaining a little muscle experimenting with pro-hormones and I had no problems with side effects. I learned that if you use the recommended dosage as opposed to overusing like a lot of folks do, you'll be fine. So yes, I've cheated before.

Insulin (duh)
Andro (dione and diols)

Go ahead, Google those items and see what you come up with. If you need some additional info on cycling, how to eat using these substances and how to make the pro-hormones trigger a positive nitrogen balance (like real steroids do) and how to mask the steroids to not get caught, then shoot me a private message. Although I no longer use illegal substances, if you are diabetic and use insulin, there is a method that non-diabetic bodybuilders use to gain mass and lose adipose tissue with insulin. Illegal for them, but not for you. The key is triggering certain hormones to release and eating certain foods to help manipulate carbs and cals certain times during the day. You still have to do intense cardio and actually lift weights to get results from any mass building plan, so don't think that you just inject shit and lose fat. Not even a dream for those that want to lose.

I used these substances at different times from 2000 to 2002 and lost the bulk of my fatty tissue. I did not become a behemoth of a muscleman, but I did wane myself off of insulin and lost my apnea as a result of losing weight. It also increased my sexy. I was that intense and extreme in my thinking in getting in some semblance of being in shape that I did a few things to get there quicker than most. Don't trip, there are many a politician, actor and athlete as well as TV personalities and old cats trying to hang on that are all up in the juice bottle or popping a pill or two. I do not feel guilty for what I did. A few people with more than 15 minutes of fame that worked out downtown Chicago that would see me actually egged me on and asked me about some of the stuff I was taking when I started losing weight. Whatever, man. Everybody wants an edge. I do not recommend the taking of these substances to anyone. I studied hard and long and did develop cycles and regimens with cats that were vets in that business in order to keep from hurting myself and overusing.

I did distance myself from chemical use after learning that residue can exist in my lymph nodes for the rest of my life and can come back and hurt me (think Lyle Alzado). I also found out that the IGF LR-3 substance grows EVERYTHING it touches, including cancerous tissues.

That's when I started fasting and taking herbs. I knew I had fucked up supplementing like I did, so I reversed course and became all 'herbal' in my approach. The rest of my progress into becoming a normal sized person has been slow, but natural all the same. I still dabble with fat burners, but for the most part, all of the cool (chemical) ingredients have been banned by the guv'ment, so think placebo when you think metabo/hydroxy whatever.

I also realized that my muscle tissue became too dense when I was using and will rip away from the tendons, causing lots of injuries. I now stretch and use yoga positions to keep flexibility and blood flow to a maximum (a must for diabetics) in my lower extremities and tai chi to strengthen parts that the machines at the gym just can't strengthen. I stay away from meats because of growth hormone and mad cow shit, and I avoid a lot of junk because the main ingredient it's packaging is high fructose corn syrup (a no-no for a diabetic), so most of what I do (cardio-fasting-weight training-yoga) is for my own survival. The 99 cent menu can't be my friend if I wanna live to see past 60. I found tons of MRP's (meal replacement powders)and ready to drink shakes that fill me up and give me exactly what I need to be nourished for the day. I still supplement and use multivitamins as well. Ask any diabetic, and they will tell you of the 'feeling', this invisible monkey on your back that is nothing short of misery imported from hell. This is why I can avoid certain foods and get my ass in the gym deep in the crack of dawn's ass. This is why 2 a day cardio sessions ain't no thing. Elevated blood sugars, bad eyesight and painful, creaky legs with limited blood flow is not an option for this 35 year old.

Damn that.

I like having that normal feeling like everyone else. I'll fight for that. A few years ago I risked my permanent health to get it by injecting and popping shit I knew could be harmful, today, I just try to manage my time and just get to Capoeira rhodas, yoga classes and empty elliptical machines. I have also picked up marathon skating (hint #1) training for something special I got planned in a couple of months.

I gotta stay halfway in shape. It's either that or me being fat and miserable.

So there.

Oh, and my born date is April 20


nikki said...

very, very inspiring hassan.

Viqi French said...

congrats on your weight loss! reinvention is the key to making your life better and better.

Anonymous said...

I was a day off, SHIT!!

LadyLee said...

This was a moving post, brotha... You showed your heart here. Thanks for sharing...

BrownSugga said...


Rose said...

Congrats on losing the weight. I know that was hard to do. Especially when you have someone on the other end keeping your self esteem down. This was very inspirational.

Chubby Chocolate said...

Loved this post, Hassan. Loved it.