Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Sorry about my infrequent posts.

I look okay, but I haven't been well. I've been dealing with the reality Post Concussion Syndrome throws at you. I have a healthy respect for head injuries and brain damage these days. I thought it would go away. I thought I would be ready to get back into the swing of things, but no.

I ain't ready.

Most of my days are hazy, where time slips away and I forget both big and little things. The headaches are still there as well as the eye pain due to sensitivity to light. I've cried myself to sleep damn near every night. The vision is still blurry and double... Like someone superimposed the world over itself and moved the one in the rear over to the left. I've had a few seizures. I spend most of the day hiding from the sunlight. I'm depressed. I want to do better, so I've hopped in my car (not recommended by the doctors for obvious reasons) and I try to get my driving skills back to standard. I have to. I've figured out that riding with folks is a serious no-no for me. I'd rather push hard to stay between the white lines to drag myself places rather than hearing people talking shit. Noise sets me off. The phone always rings, and that shit makes my ass hairs twitch.

No reason to complain though. I'll post something crazy on either Twitter of Facebook to distract me from the bullshit ways I feel most times. The neurologist and neurosurgeon cannot touch my neck or back, I haven't been treated for that yet. My endocrinologist called me to remind me that my kidneys still need tending to. To say that I'm in a bad spot is an understatement. I figure that one day while out experimenting with my new style of driving (one eye, head cocked to the side, anti-glare glasses over my prescripts) maybe a fellow trucker will do me the honor of plowing into my ass and putting me out of my misery.

Don't feel sorry for me either. Just try not to fall and suffer a closed head injury.

The only thing that burns my ass about my current situation is that I made the critical mistake to extend myself and depend on one person to assist and that person left me high and dry and talked shit to my face to boot.

The crazy thing is... Folks I know demand things of me that I haven't even given thought to. From love to finance, even helping someone pack and move... I want to get well, I want to be able to do regular shit but... I don't get the chance to heal. People see or talk to me and think that I'm good enough to give into whatever the hell they want and can't understand that I'm failing inside literally and figuratively right now. I deal with so much selfishness and bullshit to the point where I hope that I never heal.

So I got people that wish me well to my face actually harboring anger in my direction because they don't get what they want out of me, whatever that is. I do have a plan though.

I made the mistake of checking out of the hospital without addressing my organ failure. Yeah, the rest of my body just can't be ignored. I plan on heading back south and checking myself into a rehab facility so I can get my shit together.

A mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste... Try to keep yours.