Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Sorry about my infrequent posts.

I look okay, but I haven't been well. I've been dealing with the reality Post Concussion Syndrome throws at you. I have a healthy respect for head injuries and brain damage these days. I thought it would go away. I thought I would be ready to get back into the swing of things, but no.

I ain't ready.

Most of my days are hazy, where time slips away and I forget both big and little things. The headaches are still there as well as the eye pain due to sensitivity to light. I've cried myself to sleep damn near every night. The vision is still blurry and double... Like someone superimposed the world over itself and moved the one in the rear over to the left. I've had a few seizures. I spend most of the day hiding from the sunlight. I'm depressed. I want to do better, so I've hopped in my car (not recommended by the doctors for obvious reasons) and I try to get my driving skills back to standard. I have to. I've figured out that riding with folks is a serious no-no for me. I'd rather push hard to stay between the white lines to drag myself places rather than hearing people talking shit. Noise sets me off. The phone always rings, and that shit makes my ass hairs twitch.

No reason to complain though. I'll post something crazy on either Twitter of Facebook to distract me from the bullshit ways I feel most times. The neurologist and neurosurgeon cannot touch my neck or back, I haven't been treated for that yet. My endocrinologist called me to remind me that my kidneys still need tending to. To say that I'm in a bad spot is an understatement. I figure that one day while out experimenting with my new style of driving (one eye, head cocked to the side, anti-glare glasses over my prescripts) maybe a fellow trucker will do me the honor of plowing into my ass and putting me out of my misery.

Don't feel sorry for me either. Just try not to fall and suffer a closed head injury.

The only thing that burns my ass about my current situation is that I made the critical mistake to extend myself and depend on one person to assist and that person left me high and dry and talked shit to my face to boot.

The crazy thing is... Folks I know demand things of me that I haven't even given thought to. From love to finance, even helping someone pack and move... I want to get well, I want to be able to do regular shit but... I don't get the chance to heal. People see or talk to me and think that I'm good enough to give into whatever the hell they want and can't understand that I'm failing inside literally and figuratively right now. I deal with so much selfishness and bullshit to the point where I hope that I never heal.

So I got people that wish me well to my face actually harboring anger in my direction because they don't get what they want out of me, whatever that is. I do have a plan though.

I made the mistake of checking out of the hospital without addressing my organ failure. Yeah, the rest of my body just can't be ignored. I plan on heading back south and checking myself into a rehab facility so I can get my shit together.

A mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste... Try to keep yours.



Anonymous said...

So true! I also have experienced this hidden anger to a degree. People seem to want/need you to be the same as before the illness or injury. But that may also be because they love and depend upon you.
I will keep you in my prayers for a complete recovery soon.

Ladynay said...

*internet hugs*

I need you to stop driving hun. Call a taxi or something. Straining soo hard to see where you are going isn't helping your headaches and all that stuff going on up there.

*another net hug*

Big Mark 243 said...

Van freakin' Damme, my brother!

Now you KNOW that I know exactly what you are talking about. I do think that you should take stock and asses the people around you in your life. Utilize the resources that you have in your life and make your health a priority... no, THE priority. When does the effects of a closed-head injury go away..? Shoot, I get different answers with each MRI. That stuff gets boring.

Trying to find a normal that resembles your normal normal is going to take some time. What further complicates things is the emotional side of all kinds of relationship are as filled with as many obstacles as any phyiscal issues that are immediately recognizable to observers.

People know how to deal with someone limping or with an arm in a sling. They don't understand the kind of issues that a person has to deal with when brain trauma is involved. You are walking and talking, laughing at jokes and even wondering about the Cubs season and if Derrick Rose is going to break through this season and begin another run like Mike's. Then, for no external reason, things change.

I don't have nothing but commiseration and love for your right now, Hassan. The best advice I can give you from my perscpective is to again stress how important it is to have people that you can trust implicitly as part of your inner circle... your Mom, Pop, wife, best friend and I don't know how you and your extended family get on, but a cousin who is rightthere with you.

Being isolated is NOT something you want to do... no matter HOW much you may think it is something that is the right thing and no matter how much it is a part of how you normally do business, you know?

I hope that my advice is both helpful and general enough that you can apply what works best for you. Each injury of this nature is unique to that person and only resembles on the surface what someone else may be facing. Whatever you do, and this I am sure of, DO NOT withdraw from your social cirlces or from being a part of real life, you know what I mean?

Be well, my friend.

NeenaLove said...

bro -- hang in there. i am a lifelong migraine sufferer... sensitive to light and crying myself to sleep sounds like symptoms i go through. not that it compares to the injuries you are suffering.

i hope everything works itself out.

**sending you good vibes**

Gallis said...

I say that God first taps your shoulder. Eventually, if need be, He hits you with a 2 x 4.

You know what to do and you're doing it. Make yourself your number one priority and the rest will fall into place.

Know that I think of you often and want you to get better. The world needs more Hassan dammit!

Unknown said...

My husband had a head injury about a year ago and is still dealing with a lot of what you're going through. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're feeling because I see him deal with many of these issues on a continuous basis.

Hope you're feeling back to your old self very soon. And I agree driving!!!! Be well and be safe.