Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Et ainsi nous clôturons ce chapitre...


Attachement. Personne n'ont défini ce meilleur que Coretta Scott King. Quand d'autres auraient pleuré et s'étaient alors écartés et avaient commencé plus de, elle est restée consacrée au mouvement et a travaillé dans lui aiment son mari aurait est elle était morte. Une volonté phénoménale de femme que j'a manquée. Je souhaite que j'aie eu de meilleurs mots ce matin, mais je pas . Nous avons perdu notre mère consacrée, nous devrions remercier Dieu de sa présence. Le repos et soit avec lui. Vous avez souffert avec nous assez longtemps.








Paix et bénédictions au nom du plus haut!

J'aime toujours les extrémités le mois, il me met au courant qu'il y a un décalage et une partie différente de la saison à venir.

Le temps sera éteint jeûne dépensé, obtenir rolfed et s'ajuster sur un yogi suburbain et son dextérité. Je projette seulement sur digérer le fluide pour le mois entier de février, là doit beaucoup purger.

Colonics pour chacun!!!

Je re-ai enregistré les joints I requis et les vocals sont venus hors de différent. Quoi que. Doit être le nouveau vibe.

Je suis Laylah au courant qui j'essayerai d'être à New York pour sa réception dimanche. Le problème est, c'est cuvette superbe dimanche, et le kickoff serait une heure après que l'événement commence.

J'ai également promis certains de mes anciens frères que je voyagerais à Detroit et serais tout vers le haut au milieu du hooplah. N'ont pas composé mon esprit.

J'ai obtenu de faire un choix. C'est chose d'argent. Ma décision devrait être rapide après avoir vérifié mes comptes cette semaine.

Rendant itenary pour frapper Atlanta, C.c, Memphis et Nashville, New York, Dallas, ressorts du Colorado et par Los Angeles (Oxnard, merci Troy!) en 90 jours suivants en ma "s'est cassé comme baise - achetez un livre ainsi je puis excursion prendre ma maison noire d'âne". Je soumets à une contrainte au-dessus de l'art de couverture et de l'attache du short qui est libéré. Je ne sais pas quelle taille ce devrait être. Je veux qu'il soit compact, mais mon nouveau traiteur dit autrement. Elle veut qu'il soit normal. La normale ne se vend pas. Plus, je supporterai cette merde sur la route et je dois être aussi léger que possible et avoir quelque chose qui attire definately l'attention avant que vous la fendiez ouverte.

Le type est prêt à présenter ses observations sur le blog, mais ce n'est pas février encore.

J'aurai besoin de $4800 pour le proceedure chirurgical. Pour ceux qui savent, priez que l'excursion est profitable. Je vous entends Nikki, je fais vraiment.

Nikki... J'ai juste eu besoin de temps ai laissé l'évier de mots dedans. Vous croyez en moi quand je n'ai pas cru en me, et c'est toujours de cette façon. Merci, et le nah... Je vous ai dit que je n'étais pas fou...

Je copping un enregistreur de DVD aujourd'hui ainsi je puis finalement vider toute la substance au loin de mon TiVo. Je suis actuellement à la capacité de 97%. Le programme le plus ancien enregistré, les millions entiers de plus mouvement comme brodcast sur l'C-Envergure. J'étais mort d'envie d'obtenir ceci à DVD. Also, la course blanche entière de playoff de Chicago Sox, y compris la série du monde. J'ai besoin de la preuve pour des ventilateurs de Cub que cet événement a eu lieu réellement.

Aimer le nouveau gig. Je ne fais rien et obtiens payé beaucoup pour faire ainsi. A acheté le kit à la maison pour mon XM reciever, il était la première chose que j'ai mis dessus mon bureau. L'écoulement (canal 61) change le paysage entier de mon bureau. Se sent bon pour avoir un de ceux en arrière. Il est été un moment. Ainsi ce n'était pas mon dernier poteau... quoi que.

C'est le jour où le seigneur a fait.
Le demain est un autre jour.
J'espère vous voir alors.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hello and Goodbye

The picture says a lot on how I feel and what I've learned during my self imposed sabbatical.




I'll be ready to share next week. I will be a little more forthcoming on how I got to this place and how it affected the new way I see myself, how a few friends have seen/now see me and how recent events had a lot to do with things I had no idea could ever interconnect with other things.

I still need prayer and love, but I'm not as fragile as I was.

My goals and plans for my life have changed since I got back. Somewhat.

I traveled a little and saw some things from the outside in. Wow, I was buggin'. Love makes you do that though. Just temporarily crazes you. I'll expound on that soon.

I am not angry or anything, nor am I depressed. I am still a bit disappointed I guess. I never got to testify, but the trial is over and the judge has made a decision. I just know that sometimes people cannot see what you see. I don't know if I'm willing to reveal what I see to some anymore. Sometimes I just want all of us to see the same picture, even if it seems like an impossible feat.

I lost a close associate and good friend since the year started. I gained 2 new people that have kept me occupied in thought and prayer since I lost that good old friend. God moves you when you least expect it. I needed thought and prayer, so thank you.

I no longer have a best friend. Moms was right, you only get one or two true friends in your lifetime.

I spent a little time in Florida spitting in a vocal booth. I already have to scrap that material and re-record.

Shit happens, but for good reason. I wish I could explain that to those I care for. I must once again renig on some shit... I believe that God puts you in places and sometimes it displaces the ones you directly affect (and vice versa). I found myself and my purpose by being in certain places with certain people at certain times. I was shown things that will never leave my mind's eye and affects the way I do things now. I love the fact that I got a chance to view the world under the Light. I can see clearly now, the rain is indeed gone.

In an attempt to purge, I wrote a short. I also wrote 9 new joints. 6 are done, and I will release the music with the short. It's kinda hot. Whatever. In travelling, I've worked to book myself to perform the new material in a few joints near some of y'all. I'll need more plane tickets to do that, so I took a job locally with an internet startup. I'm scared. Whatever to that too. What happened to me recently turned out to be a launch pad in me splitting and that other half becoming my outspoken and emotionally charged doppleganger. He's got good material.


Beware of him, he's coming Monday to take over my blog.


This should be my last post. I'm stepping down to let him take over. I'll check in periodically to make sure he ain't abusing his priviledges. If we're close, I've already said my goodbyes via phone, in person and email. There are so many I wish I could personally thank for your words and encouragement. Thank you all. There are so many I'll never get a chance to either see or hear, thank you to you too.

It has indeed been a privilige to have crossed paths...
Maybe in a next lifetime... All in due time.

Hotep

Saturday, January 21, 2006

See you guys sometime in February.

I shouted a few over at the blackisms site.


Bread crumbs.


Be easy, y'all.


With more love than you'll ever know,

Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo

Thursday, January 19, 2006

finding me



I will no longer hide what I feel... I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, but in the same breath I keep getting sick... This is so much therapy just putting my ish out there in the universe... I hope I can be an example for brothers to see where they need not be and what not to do. I seem to have that problem endearing myself to folks and finding a way to sabotage that shit. I hate that about me. I don't hate myself. I'm coming to realize that I might need to become another self. I wish I knew how to do that. Maybe y'all can help me... I don't feel it's too late, but I do feel like I'm running out of time.


I said that yesterday. I meant it too. I must find ways and explore possibilities to make change where change is due. I am out of alignment and I wish to be in a better place emotionally and spiritually.

I feel like I am getting further away from The Creator.

I need to get closer... I need to be closer.

I still pray and meditate. I still beg for forgiveness. I still look to be right in the eye...


I still feel guilt and shame. I wish to put these things behind me and release my struggle. I have health and opportunity, why cant I be happy in just this?

I know.

I need to make things right and soon.

All I ever wanted out of all of the things one can have in this world is to be loved in return. It's not that momma didn't, but I'm 35 this year and I haven't had reciprocation as an adult. Not once. It makes me want to do destructive things, disrespect myself and cause problems to gain that kind of favor, but my momma raised me and my daddy reared me under the great vision and presence of the Alpha and Omega, so I know better. Even when I have done something that was out of pocket, the guilt was more unbearable that the pain I feel knowing I participated and was rewarded for taking human life. Don't ask. There were things I had to do get to this point of desperation January 19 2006... I live because they don't, and I came to terms with that so long ago.

That means I have purpose in being here?

If so, why am I so hellbent in thinking about ending it sometimes?

I want to feel like getting up every morning. These past couple of weeks, I've been so conflicted, afraid and ashamed of myself it wouldn't have mattered if I stayed asleep. I'm too much of a coward to even pull the trigger anyway, so my shame is that much greater. Sometimes I feel like I'm using up oxygen that someone else could definitely use. I know I want the opposite, so I fast, pray and monitor myself so much closer, because this week I want to live. I know that this up and down is depression, and I am not the one for medication. I know that action is needed to get up out of this funk. I don't want to do something stupid, but sometimes emotions get the best of me and cloud my judgment. I can no longer be this person, because I feel like he will become so overwhelmed one day and he will take his own life. That's why he is who he is and I talk about him as if we are not related.

I can't stand him.

I can't wish him death... He is I and I am him.

The me that I know I am is not obsessed with death and destruction. He is full of life and is able to create and revel in it as if someone else made it and he hears it for the first time. He loves chocolate and Coca Cola Zero enough to take an entire hour to savor it. He likes to do way too much. He doesn't sleep because he's knee deep in making something. He wants happy: Happy job, happy marriage and wants to make happy babies. This dude has a gift... He's just buried somewhere and needs to find a way to get back to the surface.

I need to make the change in order to become me again.

I'm aware, afraid and desperate all in one right now. I feel like I just woke up and my vision is blurred. I want to get up and make something of my days. I pray that my father hears me and I don't get ignored because of my actions and bad thoughts.

I want rejoice and be glad in it.

Again.


Can you hear me?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Moving on...

Moving away from how I felt...

Shit happens, right?

Aiight then.

So I go to visit my boy yesterday. He asked me if I mentioned that he got hit on my blog and if I used his name. I told him that I let a little info go because I didn't want to leave out what happened, but I didn't expose him... It didn't make sense if folks had to wonder why I've been so shook emotionally (other than what happened with her). Before I went over there, I called first to see if his wife was there, I wasn't sure what her schedule was. The last time I saw her outside of the hospital that Friday she decided she wanted to scrap with me. Found out she heard that I left dude laying out there after he got shot. I went around the block, but I came right back. I was scared and it was damn near instinct for me to pull off. I did apologize to dude and to his wife, but that's the thing, that's her man and I'd be hot too if I thought a friend left my loved one in the middle of a fracas like that.

I'm sorry.

Can't say that enough.

Anyhoo, dude needed to know if I mentioned his name and I told him no. He asked if I had pics of anything related on my flickr page, once again no. Asked if I mentioned his wife in my blog, I told him yes. Between me bouncing around while damaging the car and fighting his wife that day I got a few bruises and I felt needed to explain why I looked like someone choked the shit out of me, so I did mention that I got snapped on. I told dude that I mentioned how things went down after I spoke to my mother and how she helped me realize that things interconnect and I should learn what to do with myself from things like this.

Dude is okay. He was concerned that him and his wife were put on blast. I no longer have a connection with his lady. I believe we're still friends. I'm praying time will heal this.

I'm not going to front. I feel like I ruined a few folks lives in the past couple of weeks and months. I now wish that I could have kept to myself in some instances. I'm being told that I'm learning something by going through what seems to me to be some seriously fucked up situations.

I love my people, I love my old neighborhood. I was just condo shopping in the area in which I grew up and I really felt good being there. I got some things working where I might be able to buy a piece of property in the neighborhood and set up shop with the non profit close by, but I think about being in a place in which there are people that have contempt towards me. I think about certain neighborhoods and certain people and who they know. I think about me not being able to perform my pieces at certain venues. I think about that corner and wonder what would have happened if I were getting out of the car and got hit. Mind you dude only had a flesh wound and had no organs damaged, but he got shot all the same. I think about running into people that don't want to run into me and vice versa. I don't know if I want to live in the midst of that right now.

I wasn't supposed to be there.
Just like I wasn't supposed to be thinking about a relationship.
Just like I wasn't supposed to do that Christmas thing.
I lost focus... I wasn't supposed to cross paths with certain folk.
I forgot about how I can affect people's shit.
Not going to happen again.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to open up to folk, what I am saying is that until I improve on lots of internal things, I don't plan on even hanging out. That cannot happen again. That will not happen again. I wasn't supposed to open up and reveal so much of myself to folks. I was not supposed to receive what I did, or else it would no have been taken back so abruptly. I have so many issues internally that I must work on before I try to connect with someone. I also wasn't supposed to be hanging out with certain folk. I should not even be working in the city. I need to be in a place where I can isolate and work to improve myself. I found a job opportunity that can change my life and I really want to take it if things pan out. It's in Orlando and that along with my brother looking outside of Chicago now has me looking at cities other than Chicago to live and work. I'm feeling the relocation thing, I think that'll work for me.

I still plan on publishing the stuff I wrote and I think that I can do that from anywhere. I'm sad that I probably have to scrap plans to get my non profit off the ground in the Chi. I really wanted to come home and do something, anything to change the look on the faces of some of the shorties in my old neighborhood. I think change is good in some aspect, and this might a good time to make change. I still plan on erecting a ministry within the Millions More Movement and becoming an asset to my people. I still plan on spitting poetic pieces and making beats for beats sake. I just don't know where I'll land and do it. I am afraid to set foot in Chicago, and it ain't because someone shot at my car. I don't even know if we were the intended targets seeing as random gunfire is a way of life in some neighborhoods. I still haven't thought this thing all the way through, but after going through so much in a short period of time I need to break away and keep my shit to myself. I guess it's at this point that I'm supposed to feel like a sucker and a damn fool for allowing myself to to allow others in at such a vunerable and uncertain point in my life. All that did is spread more uncertainty. I still can't believe I got caught with my mouth open.

I'm not running, I just think that change will do me some good. I love my ideas, but maybe they're for someone else to do. I love the thought of me being in love and hanging out with my friends and family, but I think there's a reason why I never married or had kids. This job op in Florida would require me to travel extensively and what I probably need right now is to keep busy. If I'm alone and am short on time, I cannot fuck up someone else's' shit with all of my emotions and indecision. Too many signs point to me getting away from here. I'll need to take a vacation, think and see if this the right thing to do.

It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at... Right?

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Honestly, I felt like dying. I cannot believe that there were actions done by me that caused someone to turn away. It seems sad in a sense because I'm used to that kind of shit. Rejection. Sometimes I hate my life so much that I no longer want to be me. I can't help it. I didn't do everything right. I probably didn't say the right things. I don't think I did, but somehow I got lost in the flurry of emotions that causes me to be me and forgot about her and everything that caused me to leap out on faith and believe that she is the one. I know that life just doesn't go on all regular like. My heart just doesn't release that feeling like... Next! It cannot. I know I probably question things too much and probably get a little too extreme, but when I love I love so hard and am willing to jump in front of her to catch the bullet... I can't stop expressing the pain. I opened up and shared all that is Hassan. All of my hopes, dreams and secrets, all of my plans and strategies, my innermost fears. I know that it didn't go down a drain, released to bullshitville. I know that my conversations were not fodder. That, I do not understand. I know now that I must move forward. I also know that some of the things I feel right now will be damn near forgotten months and years from now. One thing. I fell in love. I never have like this before. I felt the shift in my core, my alignment changed and my gravitational pull became different. She changed my life. I am trying to gain better understanding on how I must move forward after someone comes into your life and changes everything. I still have a sense of purpose. I am not motivated to become one with that purpose yet. Until I understand, which I probably never will. So today I move, reluctantly but I move all the same. I cannot remain in this funk but in the same breath I cannot force myself to move from this space. Do I need a phone call, yes, but I will never get it. The forces of nature demands that all ties be cut off so one can refocus. She ain't calling. Get over it. Next issue. Would I like to have conversation? Yes. I would like to bring all that has happened to closure thru speaking. Guess what? Ain't gonna happen. The rules of the game says 'enough of this bullshit, the reason I cut you off is because I didn't want to even go down that road in the first place. You are not worth additional convo. You'll bring up the reasons and I'll hurt again and you'll keep asking because you don't understand.' That is what pierces men and causes unbelievable pain for ungodly periods of time. It makes us lose focus and harp at the obvious. It causes us to do silly things to regain attention. We are men, we cannot move on without proper periods of mourning. Our logic is flawed. We need logic to complete the formula so we can know what not to do in our next endeavor. I still want a relationship. I still want to share my love with the movement. I still want to be of the people and live in the hood checking for the shorties. I am still hip hop. I am that tragic song that cats bump their heads to but don't want to mouth the words. I am the unheard track that Biggie and Pac spit on, laying on a shelf under an inch of dust left unplayed because the producer knows that even the hardest head will shed a tear after the downbeat hits the speaker. I am that pool of blood that Big L shed in that alley after he was shot over bullshit. I'll seep into the cracks of the ground and nourish a dandelion and a little crabgrass. Those weeds hold life, but no one wants them in their yard. I am the legacy of Trouble MC: Too much talent, too little time, not enough recorded material to put out a tribute CD. I am the voice of the D.O.C. - loud and powerful, ready to represent a new breed of emcee, reduced to a whispery gravel. I'm still working on coming up from this. I have no answers.

Friday, January 13, 2006

and so the extra gift has turned into

A plane ticket.




I messed up.

I am ashamed.

I wish I could reverse the foul act.

I wish she knew how much this hurts.

I think she knows, I am blocked from messaging her (well, she been done that).

She hasn't returned my email.

I am done.

I feel like death has hovered over me for quite a long time now.

I quit my job today.

I need to relocate.

I don't know if I can be here anymore.

I'm already packed... might as well do something about it.

I'm scrapping my projects... For now. No one wants to hear my pain.

I found an opportunity in Florida, that seems far enough.

I don't want to stop blogging, but I might have to.

I no longer have balance.

I don't think I ever will.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

broken beyond repair

I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Indecision has me reeling in bad feelings.

I had originally wished that I could fix what I had broken, but all indications are that I must now walk alone instead of having a hand to grab.

I made a mess out of Christmas and New Years, and now I must pay.

I purchased a gift for her when she initially told me not to. To be honest, she didn't want the gift I was buying - she called it "too much, too soon". I am deaf to those that say that some things are not worth having. I fall head first into me just doing things for the friendship or romantic significance, although I needed to tread the line with the purchase of this gift. It is expensive but practical, and after an incident that made this gift necessary for me to give, I thought that I could best serve multiple purposes:

Replacing a needed toy.
Giving a Christmas gift.
Being spontaneous.
Feeling good that she has something from me that she needs.

I didn't mean for the gift to be taken as prelude to my feelings. Although I was falling in love with this sister, I wanted the gift to be looked as a practical item. Wasn't the case. I got the sideways RCA Victor dog look and a question about the intent of my gift a few days after I revealed exactly what is was, cause I didn't want anyone else to buy it and I needed her to put that out in the universe so all knew.

I'm sure you've read that I had problems ordering the thing because of it's popularity. I'm also sure you know that I finally got the thing last week. I'm also sure you know that I still have the thing, and today is her birthday.

I caught hell from a few family members and a couple of friends when I told them that I planned on giving the gift, even though there was a decision to move in another direction between her and I. I am officially heartbroken right now. I opened myself up to someone that also opened up and we shared a lot. We spent a little time, although I wish there was more time that could have been spent. I feel like because we didn't get together in the flesh like we should have I was seen as 'less than advertised'.

I lost my job in us getting close, and I think that had a lot to do with me being seen as a non provider. The past hustle, a little AFLAC and a whole lot of cashing in my savings helped me get thru. Someone said that you should have at least 6 months of savings saved up in case of layoffs, firings or feeling froggy and walking off your job. I had a little more than 6, a few credit cards and some knuckleheads and business folk that owed me money. I was forthcoming about my finances, I was cashing in my 401k in December and I lost a lot, and the money came in spurts. I was interviewing and not finding comfort or stability to my standards, so I turned a few jobs down. That probably looked arrogant and irresponsible to the sister and I knew this, but I kept on pushing.

I started working on my business plan to start a business and that fed my ego and hunger to remain independent. I realized that the non profit I wanted to get off the ground could replace my corporate gig, so I dove in head first. I think she was digging that, but I also think that she still wanted me to represent correctly and get a straight job. Thanksgiving came and I was not speaking to my family. It had lasted damn near 6 months and she took a bold step and invited me to her family gathering. I no-showed. I fell into a depressed haze and took my frustrations out on some furniture. I had never been in that place before. I got a few voicemail messages wishing that I dropped dead so I could never ruin a family thanksgiving again. I didn't know that certain people had that much contempt for me. I felt angry and suicidal for the first time in my life and I knew that I could not be around people. I wanted to be with my family, and I could not. I kept my depression and anger at home. That hurt her.

She called me, we talked and I think the weeks after turkey day mended things. I got a chance to spend more time with her and her family and I was in love with the love they had for each other. I think my situations and feelings towards certain things and family turned her off. We went out on Christmas eve and I knew the vibe had changed. We did not spend Christmas together. New Years either. A few days into January I got my walking papers, and I was devastated. I think there was a little too much going on in my life for her and I understand that. To note, I did get back with my family the week of Christmas. I mended fences, spent time and found the missing link to that feeling one gets during the holiday season. I did not get a chance to share that with her.

The phone calls stopped.
Instant messaging was far and few.
I have every text message she ever sent. I even bought a new phone so I could keep the texts intact until I found a way to download them.

She asked me about the gift a few days ago, and I told her I was stalling, I knew that our exchange would probably be our last and I didn't want that. To further the damn situation, I had people begging me not to give her this gift and I got their reasons why in the worst manner. I couldn't get them out of my ear. It became problematic. I want to give this gift to her no matter what has been done and said because I am a man of my word. Nuff said.

But I still love her.
Giving it to her now shows ulterior motive.
Stalling shows weakness.
I don't know what to do or say.

And today is her birthday.

This is so unrepairable.

broken beyond repair

I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Indecision has me reeling in bad feelings.

I had originally wished that I could fix what I had broken, but all indications are that I must now walk alone instead of having a hand to grab.

I made a mess out of Christmas and New Years, and now I must pay.

I purchased a gift for her when she initially told me not to. To be honest, she didn't want the gift I was buying - she called it "too much, too soon". I am deaf to those that say that some things are not worth having. I fall head first into me just doing things for the friendship or romantic significance, although I needed to tread the line with the purchase of this gift. It is expensive but practical, and after an incident that made this gift necessary for me to give, I thought that I could best serve multiple purposes:

Replacing a needed toy.
Giving a Christmas gift.
Being spontaneous.
Feeling good that she has something from me that she needs.

I didn't mean for the gift to be taken as prelude to my feelings. Although I was falling in love with this sister, I wanted the gift to be looked as a practical item. Wasn't the case. I got the sideways RCA Victor dog look and a question about the intent of my gift a few days after I revealed exactly what is was, cause I didn't want anyone else to buy it and I needed her to put that out in the universe so all knew.

I'm sure you've read that I had problems ordering the thing because of it's popularity. I'm also sure you know that I finally got the thing last week. I'm also sure you know that I still have the thing, and today is her birthday.

I caught hell from a few family members and a couple of friends when I told them that I planned on giving the gift, even though there was a decision to move in another direction between her and I. I am officially heartbroken right now. I opened myself up to someone that also opened up and we shared a lot. We spent a little time, although I wish there was more time that could have been spent. I feel like because we didn't get together in the flesh like we should have I was seen as 'less than advertised'.

I lost my job in us getting close, and I think that had a lot to do with me being seen as a non provider. The past hustle, a little AFLAC and a whole lot of cashing in my savings helped me get thru. Someone said that you should have at least 6 months of savings saved up in case of layoffs, firings or feeling froggy and walking off your job. I had a little more than 6, a few credit cards and some knuckleheads and business folk that owed me money. I was forthcoming about my finances, I was cashing in my 401k in December and I lost a lot, and the money came in spurts. I was interviewing and not finding comfort or stability to my standards, so I turned a few jobs down. That probably looked arrogant and irresponsible to the sister and I knew this, but I kept on pushing.

I started working on my business plan to start a business and that fed my ego and hunger to remain independent. I realized that the non profit I wanted to get off the ground could replace my corporate gig, so I dove in head first. I think she was digging that, but I also think that she still wanted me to represent correctly and get a straight job. Thanksgiving came and I was not speaking to my family. It had lasted damn near 6 months and she took a bold step and invited me to her family gathering. I no-showed. I fell into a depressed haze and took my frustrations out on some furniture. I had never been in that place before. I got a few voicemail messages wishing that I dropped dead so I could never ruin a family thanksgiving again. I didn't know that certain people had that much contempt for me. I felt angry and suicidal for the first time in my life and I knew that I could not be around people. I wanted to be with my family, and I could not. I kept my depression and anger at home. That hurt her.

She called me, we talked and I think the weeks after turkey day mended things. I got a chance to spend more time with her and the family and I was in love with the love they had for each other. I think my situations and feelings towards certain things and family turned her off. We went out on Christmas eve and I knew the vibe had changed. We did not spend Christmas together. New Years either. A few days into January I got me walking papers, and I was devastated. I think there was a little too much going on in my life for her and I understand that. To note, I did get back with my family the week of Christmas. I mended fences, spent time and found the missing link to that feeling one gets during the holiday season. I did not get a chance to share that with her.

The phone calls stopped.
Instant messaging was far and few.
I have every text message she ever sent. I even bought a new phone so I could keep the texts intact until I found a way to download them.

She asked me about the gift a few days ago, and I told her I was stalling, I knew that our exchange would probably be our last and I didn't want that. To further the damn situation, I had people begging me not to give her this gift and I got their reasons why in the worst manner. I couldn't get them out of my ear. It became problematic. I want to give this gift to her no matter what has been done and said because I am a man of my word. Nuff said.

But I still love her.
Giving it to her now shows ulterior motive.
Stalling shows weakness.
I don't know what to do or say.

And today is her birthday.

This is so unrepairable.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

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My universe is out of alignment. I got shot at, a friend got shot, I fought his girlfriend (okay, fended her off), having hourlong debates with family about a woman I love that isn't that into me causing a family member to think I'm gay, I'm confused about giftgiving and the intent of giving and how it relates to fate, one of my closest friends called me a snitch, my new job sucks and I lost a deposit (temporarily) on a rental car. I need to jack out of the matrix. And fast.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Now that you know a little about me...

I must let you in on what I believe and what I consider 'my truths'.

I also want to let you know how I really feel about things and why.

I also need to come clean and straighten out some things you think you know (and you know who you are) about how I got 'here'

but first... I need some sleep. I've spent my entire weekend in the city dealing with family business. It's damn near 2:30 in the morning and I just walked in the door...

For the first time in my life I am fatigued and confused. I usually know (or at least think I know) how I'm going to handle.

Today, I don't.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Allow me to introduce myself...

My name is Hassan.

I was not always Hassan. I changed my name in 2000 to reflect the man that I am now by studying and obtaining knowledge of self.

Hassan: he who improves and makes himself better
Olumoroti: it is with God that I stand
Ntimbanjayo: noble family

(all three of my chosen nomenclature are of Yoruban selection)

I am still a student of God's commands and Christ's teachings.

I believe in the Creator, his Son, and his prophets.

I am 34 years old.

I am currently re-relocating to Chicago, Illinois (I used to live there).

I am the 2nd child of Debra and the only child of George. I have only spoken to George once (the day before my 8th grade graduation). I have no intention to speak with him at this point.

I have an older brother by 14 months and a younger brother and sister a decade younger. My older brother defers to me, actually telling folks that I am the oldest child. We cannot be in the same room for more than 5 minutes. I love him dearly, but we still fight like we're children, and because we don't really approve of each other's decisions thought process about things. He's a straight up hustler, I take a business approach. We both want the same thing. Financial freedom. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 6 months. That's normal. Not speaking with the rest of my family isn't.

I've never been married.

I have no kids.

I'd like to be a husband and a father in the future, but I do not rush what God has planned for me.

I am a veteran of the armed forces, serving and participating in 2 major conflicts during-non peace times.

I lived outside the US for 3 years.

I have had portions of my right hand, right leg, right knee, (and most recently the bottom of my left foot) head and abdomen either re-stitched, rebuilt or repaired. After losing a few minor bodyparts and having some added, I amazingly still function at 100% with no pain or visible limping.

I am diabetic. I do not take medication for my condition. I monitor it regularly. I am tired of pricking my fingers. I lost over 200 pounds since 1998 because I was scared to be known as the guy that ate himself to death. My diet mostly consists of raw tuna, mixed vegetables, oatmeal, various fruits and juice from a juicing machine. I have raw tuna over cold mixed vegetables 3 times a day damn near every day.

I am a recent vegetarian. I function better as a diabetic without red meat and poultry.

I play 3 instruments. And not well any more.

I speak one and a half languages and have a great overstanding of the Caribbean patois and it's different island variations.

I am an avid reader and information (news) junkie.

I write literary notes, personal memoirs and technical notes daily.

I have this thing I do like John Nash (the subject of the movie "A Brilliant Mind") where I plot, strategize, write and calculate on napkins, brown paper bags and paper scraps, sometimes for hours on end. I have an active analytical mind and I feel the need to get it on paper before my mind moves to it's next invention.

I am a spoken word poet. I am performing my first original piece on 2006 tonight at a spot in my old neighborhood. It's been damn near a year and a half since I blessed the mic on the south side of the Chi... I am a little nervous.

I am a former business owner. I failed miserably at my former businesses. Those older business plans have become templates for my current one.

Every morning I take 2 hours after I wake to meditate and gain focus on the day. I have perfected "ghetto yoga" from watching the "For Dummies" DVD and "Yoga For Regular Guys" series.

I used to be a rapper/performing artist. I also tried my hand at becoming a DJ. I was also a college recruiter, a postal mailhandler, a bank loan officer, a tech support specialist, a telephone installer/repairguy, an IT hardware support analyst, an HVAC technician, a personnel security clerk, a benefits consultant and an executive search recruiter. I also drove an army colonel around for a year and answered his cellphone (I carried his golf clubs too). I studied, trained and got my paper as an electrical engineer, but has never worked as one.

My favorite color is blue. (Obsidian Blue created by Nike for the "Air" shoe lines in 1983 is the boss, baby)

I used to be Republican. Now I revolt.

I think about Desiree and Kris multiple times a day. I really miss my aunt, and I wish I could have been a better friend to Kris.

I am no longer afraid of anything (used to be). Including death.

Speaking of such, I recently contemplated suicide. Luckily, I changed my mind.

I was in a 12 year relationship... Oh, and a 5 year one too.

I carry a digital camera everywhere I go.

I cannot have a one night stand... I believe in soul ties.

it's been more than 150 days since I last had an intimate encounter.

I love Hip Hop and it's sub-cultures. I remember rap lyrics from songs all the way back to Fat Back Ben and The Funky Four Plus One More. I memorized the Busy Bee/Kool Moe Dee battle mixtape as a kid and every now in then in the line at the bank... It comes out.

I believe that I will die before I turn 60. My mind and spirit tells me that I should do everything I can to enjoy what life has to offer right now...

I cannot sleep, and have not since yesterday. I finally crashed after a week of insomnia. It was a week of non sleep before that. I got in the house at 9:30 this morning (NYE party ended @ 6am, and we went to breakfast afterwards) and I can't seem to get to sleep right now (1:24pm Sunday, Jan 1, 2006).

I have never fallen in love in the past. I might be falling now but...