Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Moving on...

Moving away from how I felt...

Shit happens, right?

Aiight then.

So I go to visit my boy yesterday. He asked me if I mentioned that he got hit on my blog and if I used his name. I told him that I let a little info go because I didn't want to leave out what happened, but I didn't expose him... It didn't make sense if folks had to wonder why I've been so shook emotionally (other than what happened with her). Before I went over there, I called first to see if his wife was there, I wasn't sure what her schedule was. The last time I saw her outside of the hospital that Friday she decided she wanted to scrap with me. Found out she heard that I left dude laying out there after he got shot. I went around the block, but I came right back. I was scared and it was damn near instinct for me to pull off. I did apologize to dude and to his wife, but that's the thing, that's her man and I'd be hot too if I thought a friend left my loved one in the middle of a fracas like that.

I'm sorry.

Can't say that enough.

Anyhoo, dude needed to know if I mentioned his name and I told him no. He asked if I had pics of anything related on my flickr page, once again no. Asked if I mentioned his wife in my blog, I told him yes. Between me bouncing around while damaging the car and fighting his wife that day I got a few bruises and I felt needed to explain why I looked like someone choked the shit out of me, so I did mention that I got snapped on. I told dude that I mentioned how things went down after I spoke to my mother and how she helped me realize that things interconnect and I should learn what to do with myself from things like this.

Dude is okay. He was concerned that him and his wife were put on blast. I no longer have a connection with his lady. I believe we're still friends. I'm praying time will heal this.

I'm not going to front. I feel like I ruined a few folks lives in the past couple of weeks and months. I now wish that I could have kept to myself in some instances. I'm being told that I'm learning something by going through what seems to me to be some seriously fucked up situations.

I love my people, I love my old neighborhood. I was just condo shopping in the area in which I grew up and I really felt good being there. I got some things working where I might be able to buy a piece of property in the neighborhood and set up shop with the non profit close by, but I think about being in a place in which there are people that have contempt towards me. I think about certain neighborhoods and certain people and who they know. I think about me not being able to perform my pieces at certain venues. I think about that corner and wonder what would have happened if I were getting out of the car and got hit. Mind you dude only had a flesh wound and had no organs damaged, but he got shot all the same. I think about running into people that don't want to run into me and vice versa. I don't know if I want to live in the midst of that right now.

I wasn't supposed to be there.
Just like I wasn't supposed to be thinking about a relationship.
Just like I wasn't supposed to do that Christmas thing.
I lost focus... I wasn't supposed to cross paths with certain folk.
I forgot about how I can affect people's shit.
Not going to happen again.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to open up to folk, what I am saying is that until I improve on lots of internal things, I don't plan on even hanging out. That cannot happen again. That will not happen again. I wasn't supposed to open up and reveal so much of myself to folks. I was not supposed to receive what I did, or else it would no have been taken back so abruptly. I have so many issues internally that I must work on before I try to connect with someone. I also wasn't supposed to be hanging out with certain folk. I should not even be working in the city. I need to be in a place where I can isolate and work to improve myself. I found a job opportunity that can change my life and I really want to take it if things pan out. It's in Orlando and that along with my brother looking outside of Chicago now has me looking at cities other than Chicago to live and work. I'm feeling the relocation thing, I think that'll work for me.

I still plan on publishing the stuff I wrote and I think that I can do that from anywhere. I'm sad that I probably have to scrap plans to get my non profit off the ground in the Chi. I really wanted to come home and do something, anything to change the look on the faces of some of the shorties in my old neighborhood. I think change is good in some aspect, and this might a good time to make change. I still plan on erecting a ministry within the Millions More Movement and becoming an asset to my people. I still plan on spitting poetic pieces and making beats for beats sake. I just don't know where I'll land and do it. I am afraid to set foot in Chicago, and it ain't because someone shot at my car. I don't even know if we were the intended targets seeing as random gunfire is a way of life in some neighborhoods. I still haven't thought this thing all the way through, but after going through so much in a short period of time I need to break away and keep my shit to myself. I guess it's at this point that I'm supposed to feel like a sucker and a damn fool for allowing myself to to allow others in at such a vunerable and uncertain point in my life. All that did is spread more uncertainty. I still can't believe I got caught with my mouth open.

I'm not running, I just think that change will do me some good. I love my ideas, but maybe they're for someone else to do. I love the thought of me being in love and hanging out with my friends and family, but I think there's a reason why I never married or had kids. This job op in Florida would require me to travel extensively and what I probably need right now is to keep busy. If I'm alone and am short on time, I cannot fuck up someone else's' shit with all of my emotions and indecision. Too many signs point to me getting away from here. I'll need to take a vacation, think and see if this the right thing to do.

It ain't where you're from, it's where you're at... Right?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nah, cause where you from gotta lot to do with where you are right now,right?

Waddie G. said...

wow man...I don't know what to say about that.

The Brown Blogger said...

I will no longer hide what I feel... I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, but in the same breath I keep getting sick...

This is so much therapy just putting my ish out there in the universe...

I hope I can an example for brothers to see where they need not be and what not to do.

I seem to have that problem endearing myself to folks and finding a way to sabotage that shit.

I hate that about me.

I don't hate myself.

I'm coming to realize that I might need to become another self.

I wish I knew how to do that.

Maybe y'all can help me... I don't feel it's too late, but I do feel like I'm running out of time.

nikki said...

as long as you just do the dang thang, everything will work itself out.

Anonymous said...

it's always best to release your burdens and demons. otherwise, they'll eat you alive.

Rizoh said...

^beliedat

the idea that your ideas might be for someone else is always a tough pill to swallow