Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Thursday, January 19, 2006

finding me

I will no longer hide what I feel... I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, but in the same breath I keep getting sick... This is so much therapy just putting my ish out there in the universe... I hope I can be an example for brothers to see where they need not be and what not to do. I seem to have that problem endearing myself to folks and finding a way to sabotage that shit. I hate that about me. I don't hate myself. I'm coming to realize that I might need to become another self. I wish I knew how to do that. Maybe y'all can help me... I don't feel it's too late, but I do feel like I'm running out of time.

I said that yesterday. I meant it too. I must find ways and explore possibilities to make change where change is due. I am out of alignment and I wish to be in a better place emotionally and spiritually.

I feel like I am getting further away from The Creator.

I need to get closer... I need to be closer.

I still pray and meditate. I still beg for forgiveness. I still look to be right in the eye...

I still feel guilt and shame. I wish to put these things behind me and release my struggle. I have health and opportunity, why cant I be happy in just this?

I know.

I need to make things right and soon.

All I ever wanted out of all of the things one can have in this world is to be loved in return. It's not that momma didn't, but I'm 35 this year and I haven't had reciprocation as an adult. Not once. It makes me want to do destructive things, disrespect myself and cause problems to gain that kind of favor, but my momma raised me and my daddy reared me under the great vision and presence of the Alpha and Omega, so I know better. Even when I have done something that was out of pocket, the guilt was more unbearable that the pain I feel knowing I participated and was rewarded for taking human life. Don't ask. There were things I had to do get to this point of desperation January 19 2006... I live because they don't, and I came to terms with that so long ago.

That means I have purpose in being here?

If so, why am I so hellbent in thinking about ending it sometimes?

I want to feel like getting up every morning. These past couple of weeks, I've been so conflicted, afraid and ashamed of myself it wouldn't have mattered if I stayed asleep. I'm too much of a coward to even pull the trigger anyway, so my shame is that much greater. Sometimes I feel like I'm using up oxygen that someone else could definitely use. I know I want the opposite, so I fast, pray and monitor myself so much closer, because this week I want to live. I know that this up and down is depression, and I am not the one for medication. I know that action is needed to get up out of this funk. I don't want to do something stupid, but sometimes emotions get the best of me and cloud my judgment. I can no longer be this person, because I feel like he will become so overwhelmed one day and he will take his own life. That's why he is who he is and I talk about him as if we are not related.

I can't stand him.

I can't wish him death... He is I and I am him.

The me that I know I am is not obsessed with death and destruction. He is full of life and is able to create and revel in it as if someone else made it and he hears it for the first time. He loves chocolate and Coca Cola Zero enough to take an entire hour to savor it. He likes to do way too much. He doesn't sleep because he's knee deep in making something. He wants happy: Happy job, happy marriage and wants to make happy babies. This dude has a gift... He's just buried somewhere and needs to find a way to get back to the surface.

I need to make the change in order to become me again.

I'm aware, afraid and desperate all in one right now. I feel like I just woke up and my vision is blurred. I want to get up and make something of my days. I pray that my father hears me and I don't get ignored because of my actions and bad thoughts.

I want rejoice and be glad in it.


Can you hear me?


Anonymous said...

I hear you, I thought I was the only one that felt this way. Today I don't want to die, but yesterday, I actually speed so fast, I wanted to run into a car or a brick wall, yea me and my son, I can't leave him to suffer if I'm gone, so we both have to go.

Anonymous said...

But my worst fear is dying in a car crash, so I didn't do it, but I was this close......
I'm chicken too.....
Close to the egde......
I cried in the car.....
Me behind the wheel upset, not a good combo, *note never piss me off, while i'm driving and you're in the passenger seat.

When I saw Crip fine ass, I wanted to live again, when he smiled at me........

nikki said...

i hear you damnit. i hear you. it's only a matter of time, hassan. hang in there, luv.

QueenJoya said...

I hear you, but what's most important is that Your Father hears you. He is stiring you and moving you around. It's time to let go, I say this because I am going through a similar process. It's nothing more mind numbing than being trapped inside yourself and hating that self, but there is liberation in the Father, He said, "Come to me all who are heavy brudened and I WILL give you rest". You must do that by any means neccessary.
I will keep you in my prayers.

QueenJoya said...

P.S. You have a wonderful blog!
Thanks for making me a part of your blog family!
Peace and Blessings

toneec42 said...

We hear you but more importantly we understand. As QueenJoya said, the Father hears you and He wants you to find comfort in His arms. Only He can help you find the you you want to become. Surrender to Him.