Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Thursday, January 12, 2006

broken beyond repair

I made the biggest mistake in my life.

Indecision has me reeling in bad feelings.

I had originally wished that I could fix what I had broken, but all indications are that I must now walk alone instead of having a hand to grab.

I made a mess out of Christmas and New Years, and now I must pay.

I purchased a gift for her when she initially told me not to. To be honest, she didn't want the gift I was buying - she called it "too much, too soon". I am deaf to those that say that some things are not worth having. I fall head first into me just doing things for the friendship or romantic significance, although I needed to tread the line with the purchase of this gift. It is expensive but practical, and after an incident that made this gift necessary for me to give, I thought that I could best serve multiple purposes:

Replacing a needed toy.
Giving a Christmas gift.
Being spontaneous.
Feeling good that she has something from me that she needs.

I didn't mean for the gift to be taken as prelude to my feelings. Although I was falling in love with this sister, I wanted the gift to be looked as a practical item. Wasn't the case. I got the sideways RCA Victor dog look and a question about the intent of my gift a few days after I revealed exactly what is was, cause I didn't want anyone else to buy it and I needed her to put that out in the universe so all knew.

I'm sure you've read that I had problems ordering the thing because of it's popularity. I'm also sure you know that I finally got the thing last week. I'm also sure you know that I still have the thing, and today is her birthday.

I caught hell from a few family members and a couple of friends when I told them that I planned on giving the gift, even though there was a decision to move in another direction between her and I. I am officially heartbroken right now. I opened myself up to someone that also opened up and we shared a lot. We spent a little time, although I wish there was more time that could have been spent. I feel like because we didn't get together in the flesh like we should have I was seen as 'less than advertised'.

I lost my job in us getting close, and I think that had a lot to do with me being seen as a non provider. The past hustle, a little AFLAC and a whole lot of cashing in my savings helped me get thru. Someone said that you should have at least 6 months of savings saved up in case of layoffs, firings or feeling froggy and walking off your job. I had a little more than 6, a few credit cards and some knuckleheads and business folk that owed me money. I was forthcoming about my finances, I was cashing in my 401k in December and I lost a lot, and the money came in spurts. I was interviewing and not finding comfort or stability to my standards, so I turned a few jobs down. That probably looked arrogant and irresponsible to the sister and I knew this, but I kept on pushing.

I started working on my business plan to start a business and that fed my ego and hunger to remain independent. I realized that the non profit I wanted to get off the ground could replace my corporate gig, so I dove in head first. I think she was digging that, but I also think that she still wanted me to represent correctly and get a straight job. Thanksgiving came and I was not speaking to my family. It had lasted damn near 6 months and she took a bold step and invited me to her family gathering. I no-showed. I fell into a depressed haze and took my frustrations out on some furniture. I had never been in that place before. I got a few voicemail messages wishing that I dropped dead so I could never ruin a family thanksgiving again. I didn't know that certain people had that much contempt for me. I felt angry and suicidal for the first time in my life and I knew that I could not be around people. I wanted to be with my family, and I could not. I kept my depression and anger at home. That hurt her.

She called me, we talked and I think the weeks after turkey day mended things. I got a chance to spend more time with her and the family and I was in love with the love they had for each other. I think my situations and feelings towards certain things and family turned her off. We went out on Christmas eve and I knew the vibe had changed. We did not spend Christmas together. New Years either. A few days into January I got me walking papers, and I was devastated. I think there was a little too much going on in my life for her and I understand that. To note, I did get back with my family the week of Christmas. I mended fences, spent time and found the missing link to that feeling one gets during the holiday season. I did not get a chance to share that with her.

The phone calls stopped.
Instant messaging was far and few.
I have every text message she ever sent. I even bought a new phone so I could keep the texts intact until I found a way to download them.

She asked me about the gift a few days ago, and I told her I was stalling, I knew that our exchange would probably be our last and I didn't want that. To further the damn situation, I had people begging me not to give her this gift and I got their reasons why in the worst manner. I couldn't get them out of my ear. It became problematic. I want to give this gift to her no matter what has been done and said because I am a man of my word. Nuff said.

But I still love her.
Giving it to her now shows ulterior motive.
Stalling shows weakness.
I don't know what to do or say.

And today is her birthday.

This is so unrepairable.

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