Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Thursday, March 02, 2006

An Open Letter To My Mental and Musical Doppleganger

Hey you,

It ain't never been about a single person in my life, it's always damn near never been about me. I never pointed you out or called your name. You have not been singled out. I dove into the depth of a person or two in my lifetime and I've shared my innermost and never gave thought of you or others for that matter exposing or exploiting me. I don't care about that because I love you. I never even cared about those that didn't stick around for one reason or another, they
wrote me off when you still believed in me and my crazy ways. I am always going to does what I do baby, but this? You surely jest.

This time is uniquely and selfishly mine. I got this. It ain't about you. When I said that I am no longer needed by friends or family I meant in the capacity you used to have me in. I no longer need to be there. You are just as mature as me. You have a telephone, can get to the internet and have a mailbox... We can still send smoke signals, you know? If I were still needed to be right there, I would have been, and since we don't hang now, it tells me that I should hang elsewhere. Don't take offense, I still love you and if you wanna hang, I'm sure we will. I am needed somewhere else at this time.

I still have your number.

And I know where you live.

And I know what you did last summer.

I still know what you did last summer.

It's not that I'm not happy, I just need to satisfy myself with things that I want to do when and how I want to do them. You know me, I never have followed the rules. There's something about following rules set by someone else that totally sucks, and you know that I have a problem with authority, right?

So what's the fuss? (insert Stevie here - loves that Prince lick!)


You never got up in arms when I went over there and done that thing...

Never complained when I got with ol' girl, even though you warned me...

Never slapped me in the back of the head at the car dealership... That shit was $500 a month!

What about that job that one time, you knew I wasn't going to last six months but did you say anything?

I ain't picking with you, I just want you to know that when I say I'm not needed, it's based on you not calling like you used to, us not hanging like we did back in the day and us not hearing each other breathe on the phone while we surf the net or watch TV. You have somebody else to do that with you now. I have had them too, but now I have the splendiferous opportunity to branch out into the world of my dreams. I can do what I've always wished I did. The Creator has blessed me to be in this position. No wife, no kids, no multibillion dollar evil industry to babysit along with training Number Two, just me and my terribly inquisitive mind. In other words, I'm not thinking about anything else but me right now and how I plan to fill my glass.

If I do decide to make babies, I need stories to tell, adventures to share and lessons to pass on, and I can't obtain all of this sitting in an office or minding the minions snoozing their asses off over in cubicle city. I can no longer find new ways to stay awake in the meetings I'm supposed to be presenting for. I like my yoga class, but not when I have to rush to get back into traffic, thus smashing my peacful aura and all that comes with it. Donuts in the break room? Fuhggitabout. Power suits is my old style. I need to let my toes come out and get some air.

I'd rather be stuck in the airport.

And not ride in business class.

Once again, you know me. So stop playing and be happy that I can finally do what I've been yapping about for years on end and quit thinking that I'm all up in a self pity fest because I'm not. I'm quite happy that I will no longer have to do the perp walk with all of the wage slaves downtown.

So there...

Leave me alone, but call me if we're going to see the Chappelle flick. I gots to have the kettle corn this time.

13 comments:

TheOneandOnlyInsanely said...

Hassan, I love your writing style, however, I'm a bit lost.
Who the FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN ABOUT?!?!?!?
I know its not me!
If I guess, will you tell me I'm right?

MS?
J=Happy?
WHO DAMMIT!!!
Why do you feel the way I feel, but I can't express it the way you do, so brillantly?

Hassan said...

Because I'm me

The Best [ Chance ] said...

To Hassan,

Yes, I understand the internal dialogue that you are having with your doppelganger. The word doppelganger comes from the German language it means the double. We all have a double (doppelganger) on the inside of us and we need to talk to it sometimes because double has a mind of its own. The double sometimes lead you down the road to trouble.

Now the double (doppelganger) is not the conscience the two are different. The doppelganger (double) looks like you, acts, talks, same hair style, same character defects and same virtues, same talents, etc. The double lives on the inside of you sometimes the double is nice and gives good advice - and sometimes the double is negative and evil.

When the double is negative and evil it tries to convince you to act in a negative way.

The double is your ego and this ego double really looks and thinks and talks like you he you in the truest sense of the word.

The only difference is the double lives on the inside and you live on the out side in the physical world. The double is your ego but this ego looks like you, talks like you, acts like you, thinks like you, etc and this ego double lives on the inside of you.

This double tries to influence your mind, thoughts, and feelings.

You must separate yourself from your double (doppelganger ego) and tell your double that you are aware. That it exists and that it has been influencing your behavior since you were a child.

But you are going to live your life and pursue your dreams - and no longer live the life that the doppelganger (double) wants you to live. Because the doppelganger if it has its way will always keep you second class to it.

The doppelganger it will never let you make decisions, it will keep you at the same boring job even if it pays well. It does not like change it wants your life to stay the same.

Doing the same old boring things everyday when you get up. Break free from the doppelganger (double – ego) and pursue your life as an individual and not as a double.


Do It Hassan, do it go pursue your dreams - now that you are free from the doppelganger (double).

Chance, chancellorfiles.com

Hassan said...

Chance, you're onto something. I am indeed speaking to my doppleganger, I also (as I always do) speak to those that are with me and against me, whether they know it or not.

I speak to my best friend, who supports me. We haven't hung out at all in quite some time but we still keep in contact. She's getting all of this life change stuff piled on her right now (because we haven't hung) and I'm sure she needs time to digest and dissect.

I speak to an ex from a few years back. She believes in me wholehartedly, but she doubts that I am capable of making change.

I speak to the woman I most recently dated. I shared my flights of fancy and although I know she believes that I will give into my passion and do some things, she also doubts that I will ever complete such tasks. That doubt still rings clearly, even though we both have moved on. Although I knew that we would only have limited time together, I shared all of my hopes and dreams and I got a little chuckle and was told that maybe I'm biting off more than I could chew. That hurt, but I kept stepping forward. She is one of the the ones that I speak of never exposing me.

I speak to certain family members. I love them, but I must from a distance. I also speak of my siblings and close friends. My younger sibs are college grads, married, homeowners and parents. Guidance and advice in no longer needed from big brother. I actually get advice from them, seeing as I never married or have children.

I speak about my parents. My presence is no longer needed there. One thing, my mother never believes anything I believe in. She wants me to get a standard job and be "regular". Dad has interest but tells me how impossible simple things really are for a person such as myself. I'm sorry. I love Moms and Pops but I cannot cop out. I have always had the urge to break free. Me breaking free means me leaving, so I understand that they don't want me to go. If I don't leave and pursue happiness I will revert to a depressed state and surely die. That's how trapped I felt as recent as Thanksgiving. I felt trapped, unhappy and held back so much that I wanted to take my own life due to inactivity and uselessness. I cannot go back there, so I must leave the reach of those that hold me near.

I speak to those that I've come in close contact with thru my blogging. I actually have created relationships thru my words and extended contact. You guys don't know me that well but you will know one thing, I need to get out and recieve love from those that I don't know. Maybe I need to validate that love within humanity really exists, maybe I need attention from folks other than my close family and friends, maybe The Creator tells me to create dialouge with strangers and provoke thought. I dunno. I feel I'm being guided there.

I speak to the woman that has extreme interest in me. I can't explain it. She came to me at a time where I need to get out and just "be" during my travels. She knows that she's appreciated, but wants standard couple stuff, and that's something I cannot give right now. She thinks she's competing against my artistic side, but she isn't. She pushes the issue and doesn't understand that that is the one thing that might push me away. I've had plans to go overseas and do other tasks way before we met, and I am not willing to be unhappy and depressed in Chicago when I can live my dreams and accomplish my lifes tasks abroad. There seems to be understanding, but no compromise.

This is an open letter to those like me. I have already addressed myself, and I use this blog to do that most of the time, but this post if for them. I hope they understand.

As for ego, I let him have his space. He motivates me and keeps me on my toes. I've been with him for so long that I know him well. He cannot control me any longer or hurt me for that matter either. We have a great relationship because we've both aged and come into our own. I know the power of self doubt and I also know the influence of evil. Sometimes I used it to get that much closer to my soul because there has to be a balance. I am currently working on balance full time, instead of putting it off to go to work or entertain friends or to give into vanity. I know what must be done to settle my soul and die happy with honor and purpose, and that is share myself and all that is me with as many as I can reach.

This is why I blog.
This is why I will travel.
This is the motivation to live abroad.

I will not die without utilizing the resources The Creator has given us. That means scouring the planet and finding spaces for me to grow, plant seeds in the most unusual places, fellowshipping with people other than those that look like I do. I will no longer be a slave, drone or a clone to so-called culture and normalisms made in the eyes of man. I am much greater than that. My purpose is much greater. My life is just that damn special.

BrownSugga said...

ONCE AGAIN YOU HAVE EXPRESSED YOURSELF WONDERFULLY. YOU MUST BE FOR SELF NOW SO THAT YOU CAN SOON BE FOR OTHERS. YOU KNOW I UNDERSTAND TOTALLY. SO PAPI GO AHEAD AND DO HASSAN.

Zesty said...

Good luck, and keep us posted!

The Best [ Chance ] said...

To Hassan,


You have explained yourself swell my brutha and I can see you are a man who has something to share with the world. You converse with all of those doubles (doppelgangers) that represent people in your life and you converse with your own doppelganger (double). Go on into the world over seas and let the world know who is Hassan.

Chance

bunny said...

Wow, I just found you Hassan and now you are leaving the windy city. Wherever you go I wish you the best. But a question before you leave, I was browsing thru your pics and saw the b-day party at McD's. Looks like the joint on 103rd, is it one in the same and if it is does the playland still smell like stanky feet? We stopped having the kids party there because of it.

Hassan said...

As long as I have a laptop, camera/camcorder and wi-fi/wireless cards... I plan on blogging. Just because I travel and do the damn thing doesn't mean that I'm not going to share that with y'all.

Bunny: Didn't smell like feet when we were there. As a matter of fact it was a little too clean if you know what I mean. The staff was very attentive andwere busting tables and gathering the trash we made like we were at a downtown eatery. Maybe it had something to do with it smelling like feet in the past and they cleaned up their act, but when we were there, we got the royal treatment. Not bad for a McDonalds.

Viqi French said...

man, that was intense. hope it's all good, really.

Brotha Buck said...

At first, I thought you were talking about your wife. So, your leaving the city? Best of luck.

Deeds said...

You my friend have such a way with words...And wehre do you think your going young sir? Speak to me?

VerseOne said...

i'm feelin' the internal dialogue. i think we all have these conversation, but very few can express as well as you did.

Peace.