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Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Monday, January 31, 2005

My passion for change is only outweighed by the pain I feel by the actions I take to make it
possible. I have made many changes in my life, but most until recently were not for the
better. I forgot God in most cases, and that has set me back.

Not in the sense of success or anything worldly, I have made good on many attempts to
acquire what the world deems good, I'm talking about what fills my soul and sets me free
from society, and that influenced me to make changes for the betterment of the world. Not
betterment of a corporation that is un loyal to you but requires you to remain loyal to them
in all aspects, not betterment of people that love you in your face, but despise you behind
your back or betterment of those that love you but know not how to deal with you or know
what place to put you. Not even betterment of those that merchant garbage to you, filling
your body and home with things that take more than give comfort to you. I speak about
betterment of the spirit. How many of you that read this are truly happy within? I wasn't,
so I made change.

Change hurts, not because it moves from the familiar to unfamiliar, it hurts because you
must remove yourself from those that support you in your attempt to die in misery. See,
there are those that love you beyond doubt, but are so afraid to tell you the truth from
fear or being rebuked and rejected that they will lie to you to keep you miserably happy.
Misery loves company, and you are only as valuable as those that you keep in your immediate
circle. Now I'm not saying that these folk are miserable in a bad sense, but if you are fat,
and your loved one never tells you because he/she feels that you are comfortable in your
fatness, and it would hurt your feelings to tell you about the extra weight, then they are
hurting you more than they are helping. I have learned that God first + sound body + sound
mind = fulfilled. You cannot function correctly if you are not sound.

Now you can always get a divorce, or walkaway from a long term relationship, but what does
that solve? Maybe that person or those people want to assist with your change, you have to
investigate. Find out. If they don't then do what you must. Sometimes people love you more
than you can love yourself, so they will never hurt you. But in that sense, if you never get
your wakeup call, you will be forever sleep. I was sleepwalking, and I had people around me
that would not nudge me. I could not wake up! I literally tossed and turned in front of my
beloved, but fear of change, the unknown or success prevented them from slapping me in the
back of the head. But The Creator called me and gave me the ability to have one eye open. I
saw myself in the mirror, and I didn't like what I saw. So I changed. Drastically,
dramatically and immediately. It hurt people. It hurt me.

I stopped hanging out with some of my guys. I stopped going out with my girlfriend. I
stopped visiting toxic family members. I started a process to change jobs. I stopped siting
on my couch, vegging out on sporting events. I didn't want to because this was so familiar,
and it is still difficult to not do those things, but I think... Damn that, I know that God has
a greater purpose for me to serve and I had to go towards that. Ending relationships,
quitting jobs and involving myself with things that were just damn corny to me back in the
day is very difficult to do. Everybody has something to say. I can see the lips moving, trust
me I can.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to love me. I now know my purpose. I have been
given talent, and I must use it to say His name in as many instances I can to glorify it so
that those who cannot hear can have understanding. This is my job, and I have run with it. If
I have hurt you, I apologize. I just felt that you could not run with me, not because you
weren't worthy, but because I chose to run this leg of the race alone. In an attempt to
prepare myself, I realized that I have a lot of work to do on self, and this is the part of
the movie where the scientist locks himself in the laboratory, fixated on perfecting his
creation. I have done this and I ask not to be disturbed.

I believe that one day, I will be able to look on those I walked away from and not feel pain,
unfortunately today is not that day. I have a lot of me that I need to work on and I hope
that you see that this is not selfishness, but an attempt to make myself whole. This is my
letter to you. Read this and know that I fast for cleansing. That I still pray for you. That
I think of good things and not bad when your names enter my thoughts. I am aware of you
and hope that God blesses you with all that is kind and good. I am aware that I can no longer
live the way I have.

Awareness + Direction + Change = Results

Right now, God has anointed me to become an intercessor.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When
I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

This is that effort. Pray for me as I will for you all.

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