Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My value...

I'll continue to go thru this like this is normal stuff... Life continually tests you and I cannot fail. If I were a weaker man, I'd be in the corner crying wondering why I'm getting victimized, but it ain't about me and I am not a victim.

I'm just getting in. It's 2:57 in the AM. We spent about 2 and a half hours with grandma in the ICU. She's heavily sedated and on a respirator. The doctor is giving her until Wednesday to come out of it or the plug will have to be pulled. They have her arms strapped to her bed to keep her from pulling the breathing tube out of her mouth. We talked to her today and she responded with her eyes, she knows who we are. I cracked a joke and she gave me the look of death, no pun and worth each second of it. Before they put the tube in she told the doctor she wanted to live, so she's fighting. It wasn't sad to be there and see. It would be sad to see her continue on this path, she'll be a sedated, strapped vegetable unable to enjoy the freedoms of life. I accept the fact that she will die soon. 83 years is a long time, she just retired a little over 2 years ago, and that's when she got ill.

Two women, patriarchs of their families, property owners, society shapers and family impacters who have shaped so many people's lives lay in hospital beds in conditions I cannot explain. I cannot gauge their thought process or do I want to. What I do know is that both of these women have faith and are servants of the creator so I believe there is no pain, remorse or regret, so I feel no pain because I know that they are okay in more ways than one. I pray that they are given strength to carry on and get back to schooling my young ass (and others), so my prayers are geared towards getting them back home to be with family and loved ones. That's how one heals.

Faith is one thing, faith in one's self is another.

I want to tell you how I got here to the point where I'm leaving everything and everybody due to having (newfound) faith in myself.

I was a small kid with crooked teeth. I wore braces in high school. I was outcast in the military. I was poor until I started selling drugs and to top that, I hid my money from my mother when she really needed it. She probably would have taken it to get us out of a bad living situation. We lived in my grandmother's 3BR house that couldn't hold an additional 5 person family aside from the 4 people and dog it was already holding. Folks on the block knew this and we were teased for that until my brother and I started whooping ass to keep them off of my moms, little brother and sister. That led to a little gang activity and some hustling led by my older brother seeing as we liked to fight so damn much. We couldn't get out of that cycle, and it seemed like we would always be a part of destruction of the block because we were always doing dumb shit. I started hanging with my best friend at his house until the deep hours of the night because I did not want to go 'home'. I became uncoordinated athletically in basic training because I was incredibly uncomfortable after joining whereas in high school I excelled physically. I struggled with self identity due to living in a multicultural environment as a kid. I had a lot of trouble relating to traveling, dealing with folks from other cultures and being on my own while in the military. I was thrown all over the world, literally and felt like I would always be on display and never in control of my life, so I got out when my time was up, but it didn't stop there.

I thought I triggered all things bad, and that it was my fault that bad things happened. I was a talented student, gifted athlete, overall good kid, didn't hang on the streets for too long due to my upbringing and best friend's influence, so how could I be the cause of my/our bad ass situation? I started making bad decisions based on me thinking that I was the reason for all things bad. I got out of the military, re-joined a relationship with a woman that I wasn't supposed to be with. We even moved in with each other. I kept dropping out of college when folks were bailing me out and getting me back into class. I chose to embrace corporate America and let go of the idea of my talents and loves being what I should do with my life due to what everyone else said. I blamed everything else on me not excelling in corporate because I'd only get so far. I yearned to write, compose and create, but thought that the world didn't want to hear a scarred child that stumbled into manhood.

I never listened to myself. I never heard the Creator calling me to do more and do better until I spent time with myself.

I was a product of my environment, and I was strong enough to remove myself from it with a little help. This is why I have no tolerance for those that choose to wallow in their own shit and fall into the bullshit set forth to hold one back. I love reading blogs. I know in a lot of instances my shit is repetitive, but I try not to hold myself back in my writings about self. I learned that weed ain't weed genetically, and alcohol is a tool where dependacy in our community is essential in keeping the gifted out of the reach of the ones who need them for influence, so I don't understand how all of the gifted ones that I come across in the black blogosphere and in life repeat themselves on a bullshit level and fail to function in real life because they're chained to the spliff or the bottle.

Or worse yet, embittered due to bullshit. ____________ Fill in that blank.

How do you complain about the condition of shit when you just sit there and watch it decay?
How do you hold others accountable for failure when you have no real responsibilities of your own?
When will you stand and assist the rest of us as opposed to being a fucking crab in a barrel?
Don't you want a better life? Have you a plan? What about family, who are you planning with and receiving knowledge from?
When was the last time you sat with an elder?
How are you to achieve anything of substance if you do not step out on faith and try?
How do you plan on giving back?
What do you believe? When do you plan on living in those beliefs?

I asked myself these things and I already had the answers. I figured the only reason I never applied those answers was because of my fear. Fear of the unknown which made me not try, so I drank to suppress the energies to actually do something. I smoked weed and cigarettes to prevent me from thinking and being physically ready to perform my duties as a chocolate soldier.

I came out of it and reversed course. I changed my name. I found a sense of purpose...

I am worth it.
I am validated by me.
I am a reflection of the Creator.
I will move forward and do instead of talk.
It is only my fault if I let it fail, whatever it may be.
I have value and worth and will pass that on to my seed...

You doubt me?

Grandma taught me that. ________________________________________________________________


For a limited time only, you can ask me ANYTHING, and I'll be much obliged to answer your wack-ass questions without editing or censoring myself. Be nosey and find out shit. Get the truth to what happened the night I was headed to my man Jade's crib back in 88' and got sidetracked (reportedly abducted) and never made it there. Who do I love, who do I hate and why? Do I really worship the devil, and if not, what's all that blood for? Why was I fingered as that cat on the grassy knoll back in 63? Wait, I'm older than 35? Why do I disavow all knowledge being kin to what's her name even though I was in the audience (and got acknowledged - even made a joke and got a laugh) when she sat with Oprah? Wassup with that spaceship-anal probe-white light shit? Find the link between Neuro Linguistic Programming, altered states of consciousness, Anthony Robbins and Reggie Noble's mentally challenged twin sister that lives with my cousin and her baby's daddy in the back bedroom in Newark. Find out how she picks lucky lotto numbers for old ladies and creates hood names for the young children on the block. A threesome? When? Who? Get out of here!!! Get all personal and thangs with a brother, I dare you...

I double dog dare you.

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