Belief And How It Affects...

Sometimes it's just best to listen.

I've always listened even though in some cases folk will tell you that I wasn't when I really was.

I share what I believe and even though I was raised in a traditional household, I shun tradition. Most folk that see and interact with me on a regular basis just can't get by that and my disappointment in their reasoning on the how and why I do what I do can no longer be held in.

Nah, not anymore.

I'm not a skeptic or a cynic, even if I've make a snide remark about something. That means I'm listening and have paid attention to detail. Details are so important to me, they indicate the inner workings of a thought, idea or ideology, and I need to know the numbers and see the schematics in order to find out the 'is' of the matter because nothing is ever what it seems on the surface. We all look for the truth in things and I observe closely how a lot of us layer a lot of man-made fabrications, laws and ideas and put our lives at stake based on these half truths and outright lies and call it living.

Let me explain:

This time of year means absolutely nothing to me. There is no emotion that I can invoke about Christmas, New Years or anything else that happens this year because I understand exactly what the definition of fabrication is.

My wife's birthday and our one year anniversary fell on two days other than Christmas last week and for some it might mean all kinds of things to do and stuff to get to celebrate a milestone, but to me they were just Tuesday and Wednesday. I realized a long time ago coming up in that bad ass neighborhood of mine and dealing with family, friend or foe in my immediate circle (which I had no control over but observed closely) that every day you get on this planet should be cherished. Between ignorance, bad nutrition and lack of available and affordable health care taking folks way too early on my block to the unnamed bullet snuffing the life out of the random innocent child to Wayne Williams (yeah, we feared his ass all the way up here) during childhood, I was surrounded by misery, shame family infighting, murder, poverty, racism and even me being touched by a trusted guardian so I told myself if I ever got out of the hood alive and sane...

I would appreciate each day of my life that much more.

I am surprised and shocked that I am alive at 37. I really truly thought I wouldn't make it.

Funny because Thanksgiving 2005 saw me wanting to commit suicide because I felt alone and it seemed that no one could understand what language I spoke emotionally. I recalled vividly from the past the two people that got murdered right in front of me and how I carried on like it was no big deal. I went to school and hung out like it was a regular occurrence but deep inside all I could think is how the departed no longer had to deal with silly little shit in life like I had to all the time. To me, death meant peace and I wasn't having a peaceful existence back in 05. I thought I was in love and ended up getting my heart broken a month after my Thanksgiving experience and a couple weeks into the new year I was also standing next to a friend that got shot. A funny thing happened after both my breakup and my guy getting hit... I had a unique energy that seemed to have come out of nowhere. It told me that I was just getting started in life and urged me at that time to live stronger. I never really wanted to commit suicide based on how much I wanted to get past a bad relationship and thrive, the real tell was how fast I ran when I saw and heard that gun popping off.

That's probably why I cried my eyes out and sobbed over the phone to the woman that would break me that Thanksgiving night. All I probably needed at that time was a good cry and a shoulder to help me get over the shit that life piles up at your door. And an example on how quickly I could lose everything (in that gun incident) even when I didn't have much to begin with at that time. It led me to a discovery:

I have faith in me.

I stopped believing in external things and started believing in myself. I have a deep respect for those that devote themselves to a particular ideology and truly stick to it but I believe now that we've created all of the things we hold dear to us just as much as they've created us. That attitude I took in late 05 - early 06 started to attract people and situations that would change, enhance and be a detriment to my life and my belief is that I live better now based on what has happened.

Sigh.

"The only thing that wins or causes love is personality. If you have distinctive personality, you will be loved whether you have physical beauty or not. Your personality may have flaws and not be entirely beautiful from an artistic point of view, but if you are an advancing soul, not only is somebody going to love you but in time to come everyone will love you. Love is the energy of life, and one who has more life in them attracts more love from others. Love motivates you to become a better person for those you love."

Djehuty Ma'at-Ra

There were some folk I attracted with what I wrote on my blog and publications locally with them never seeing an image of me. There were those that saw a snapshot of me on the internet or saw me at a poetry slam and just wanted a piece of me physically for no apparent reason. There were those that walked the path with me, got to know me and flat out rejected my personality and still tried to impose their will on me to ensure their own esteem only for me to turn and walk away... I never experienced that in meeting and getting to know my wife, and we've known each other for over 3 years now. The difficulty I have in being married to her exists from things that happened in the past either on her side or mine. The actions of other people from the past still in some sorts has a profound effect on our defenses and at the start of our marriage I was dealing with how other cats treated my wife and how she dealt with me as a result. I opened, she froze, she opened, I closed. Wash rinse repeat. You can't have a relationship like that, so I listened more intently because our interaction and love for each other led us to marriage and it ain't as simple as just walking away. I learned to listen again. I came off the road to be there to listen more often. She listens to me more than from day one. We still have problems with belief, tradition and practice which is more a stumbling block for her than it is for me because I wasn't raised to have emotional attachments to things that were not designed for us. You can have a birthday party or wish a million people a Merry Christmas, just don't include me in it. I believe that every day is too special not to celebrate that particular day and Christmas... Well... I'm not Christian and should be respected as such. I don't impose my will on you and I hope (even though I'm outnumbered and there is a sense of so-called tradition on your side) you don't impose your will on me. The death blow in any relationship with you is when you attempt to slide shit in on someone when that it was never part of the original agreement. So we communicate. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't and we learn to live with the results. I cannot see myself as someone married for a year, I see myself being married, taking things one day at a time as they come. All I have is today. Yesterday is gone and will never return and I can only live for today. If I get tomorrow then well... I deserve to celebrate that when it comes. There are a lot of new things in my today, even though I've been in similar situations with other people in the past. In being married I want to experience things with my other half because we made things that way. We chose each other to share all of life's moments with because we both thought that we would make the perfect companion in helping ushering in all things new and old. It's a process that shouldn't be taken lightly or for granted. There are times I wished I was still single. There are times she probably wishes the same thing. But the good times have outweighed the bad in enormous amounts and we do indeed enjoy each other, and that's what counts. The love of it all. The time spent. The new experiences that pile up and create what is to be a life spent with your partner. It's starting to pile up, the good stuff, that is and things are cool in the Ntimbanjayo household to the point where we're debating on consolidating offices and sharing space due to the baby's room eliminating the need for two offices...

Whatever, man.

It has been a long journey from back in the day.

Never Too Busy

I'm off hiatus as of this point and will have some long, drawn out reflective and self corrective stuff tomorrow. Today proves to be too busy.

And yes, I'll be talking bout' my marriage and thangs too.

One Year Married

It'a about 11:30 pm here in Chicago and I just walked in the door from a day out with my wife and family.

Today is my one year anniversary and I still don't believe that she married my triflin' ass.

And moved here too.

Like Zed said... Life seems like one big cosmic joke.

But hey, I like to laugh just like the next guy.

The Trade I've Made

I wake up.

After my shower and I shave my mirror reflects my me.
He is older.

Slower.

I try to see the wise but my mishaps, mistakes and misnomers
hide any shade of knowledge born.
I frown and feel life's pain as it shoots thru my knees.

My hands no longer straighten out.
My pinky toes are now numb

everyday.

And I realize that I lean closer to said mirror because the great
old reflection is so out of focus.

My squint gives my face a father's curious look.


I wonder about my children.


I worry about grandkids because the world I made is too cynical.
I try to cry but the ducts no longer make the tears.
It feels like my heart is heavy but that's just a slower rhythm

Maybe the blood just doesn't pump enough oxygen to my brain
My thoughts mash with my hopes.
My dreams stay fuzzy, making it hard for me to remember them

I have no focus.

All I really want is to stay alive, but sometimes...
It might be better if I can rest.
I debate the permanency of when I'll sleep and the only thing that bothers me

Is the fact that my emotions have been invested

And it's a recession

And I've been told to wait it out because...
Change gon' come.
But how long will I have to wait?
It's starting to hurt too much to be patient to trade

But I do.

Not because I'll be able to climb to the mountaintop.
Not because I will see my grandchildren get free.
Not because I'll have that spot on the porch by her.

Nope...

I'm waiting because I'll grow a year older.

With her.



written on the fly with love and wonderment of what we have 12~23~2008

Hassan Olumoroti Ntimbanjayo - Sho Nuff, Ya Dig?




Enjoy your birthday, Yobo.

Solstace Slavery and Supression

I just have a few questions:

If it wasn't created, designed or crafted for us why are we so knee deep in it?

Okay, that was really one question.


With all of the lineage, family history and DNA searches, all of the common sense issues still not addressed in our own communities and the diaspora as well as leverage not in our favor, we seem to mindlessly fade into oblivion with our identity by actively participating and promoting something not made by God's hands this time of year.

I pray for responsibility and self realization in the next week and a half.

Snow Day

Wish me with safe driving through the snow and bad traffic today. I wish everyone caught up in this mess the same. I'm sure most of you know that I hopped out of the truck some time ago and have been doing my own thing as a self employed cat for a minute now. Today is one of those days where I could just stay home (and not make any money), but I must be stronger than that.

I gotta get out in the foot of snowfall and trudge through the bad traffic because if I don't, someone else will, so for everyone else... Enjoy your snow day. This ain't like driving a tractor-trailer by any means.

Be careful and be safe playing in the snow.

Who Is Bigger Thomas And Why Does He Run Amok In Our Community?

Just because I haven't been blogging on the regular doesn't mean that I haven't been thinking about things enough to say something.

I always have something to say. I care not if you agree or disagree for that matter, I just care if you've given things a little thought and really took the time to think things through which brings me to my thoughts over this past weekend:

I was listening to Joe Madison last week and a listener called in and blamed our yet to be sworn in, brand new lord and personal savior Barack Hussein Obama for all of the ills in society and for the current state of affairs in the hood and the plight of the black man. He called his highness an 'Uncle Tom'.

That's a lot for a 'Tom' to be responsible for during a presidential transition, huh?

Anyhoo, Joe responded to the caller by asking him if he knew who or what an 'Uncle Tom' is. The caller had no other words. It seems in my humble opinion that all the words this older gentleman had were the ones he had prepared for the phone call because he flowed when it was his turn to speak on a nationally syndicated radio program to about eight million listeners over XM, Sirius and terrestrial radio but stammered when it came to expressing the motivation of his opinion.

And then...

Other folk began calling Obama an 'Uncle Tom' and an elitist.

He hasn't even gained a chance of time to implement programs and policy enough to get a shoe thrown at his ass for seven and a half years of warmongering upon a surprise visit to the place he fucked up yet.

Shame.

The bigger shame is (and no pun intended) the reason people think this way and cannot form enough opinion, nevertheless an idea that could have given leverage to our people over the years causing just a small bit of freedom and equality earlier in our history are the differences between 'Uncle Tom' and 'Bigger Thomas'.

Look that up.

We don't know exactly who or what an 'Uncle Tom' is. Most of us have no earthly idea who 'Bigger Thomas' is either. Even though there have been literally millions of Bigger Thomases that have lived with us, among us and around us, we have defended the thought process, ways, beliefs and actions of this thug nigger (and I meant that in the most dictionary sense I can in calling folks names) because one, we're scare easily and two, we never snitch on our own. I never knew that most of us represent ourselves as Bigger anyway, but we do and ignorantly so.

Plus, Bigger has hooked us up a time or two monetarily, product wise, sexually and in other ways. It seems that we love Bigger Thomas even though he has destroyed our community, raped our women and killed our men and we use the name of a resilient character to describe folks that we have no agreement with in saying 'Uncle Tom' when it was him that did not talk (or snitch for that matter) on the Bigger Thomases of his day while the other 'Biggers' like Sambo tricked off for so-called freedoms. Tom long suffered for that, didn't he?

And you wonder why with over two million US prisoners half of them are black?
And even though the projects have been torn down in most American cities the hood mentality still is relevant and exists.

We preach game, but have not taken the time to learn what exactly game is here in the United States. Other cultures have come over and set up shop and have prospered as a people and we still exist in finger pointing mode after slavery was abolished.

We never took the time to learn the difference between who Bigger Thomas is and what Uncle Tom meant to us and for that we suffer. We're still pointing fingers and that diminishes our leverage amongst each other.

Imagine what other folks think? Yes, that matters in the grand scheme of the affairs we need to be solvent.

It's easy to say no to us because of inner turmoil within a people and the lack of participation of other cultures (except for what some can sell due to our influence) because they don't want turmoil involved in their shit. Racism did not disappear on November 4th.

Self hatred and a lack of understanding who we are didn't go away either.

So who and what is an 'Uncle Tom' in today's culture and why do we defend Bigger Thomas the way we do?

Boring And Normal

I never considered it a hiatus.

I damn sure wasn't on vacation.

I've been working, and it feels good to be this kind of busy.

I'm also very skeptical of certain things that have been going on in my life. Nothing political or ultra personal, I've been operating totally on my own dime (as in I hopped out of the truck, stopped driving and am skrait up self employed actually making my own hours and making actual money... Imagine that!) and things are successful, normal and steady.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, that's all.

Things can't go too good for me for much longer and so I await the epic fail. What ever it is and whenever it happens, I am ready.

I have not been inspired to blog.

Nothing to talk about, really. With ignorance and complacency at an all time high and all faith in everything being rerouted to our new lord and personal savior Barack Hussein Obama, there obviously isn't a whole lot to be worried about.

So I do my thing come home and chill. I get that option now that I control what I do, when and for how much... And I am home every night. I'm just a little miffed on why I didn't choose this years ago. I mean damn...

I feel like I wasted the last three years of my life, minus getting married and the escapades with my other half.

Life is boring and normal.

I'm starting to like boring and normal. I just hate that I just got here now.

Ain't I Chistmassy?

So I'm hosting this joint tonight and I'm sure it'll be a stone gas...

Hi Jack!

I know, I know... Missing in action.

But not really. I actually hijacked my wife and we're on the road traveling all over the damn place. Today we hit Louisville, Kentucky and then later on this evening we're back in Chicago.

For now.

I'm having too much fun out on the highways and byways of America right now pre-holiday.

No conversations about so-called 'House Negro' presidents and Prop 8 an black folks, please.

I'm not going there, but I will let the window down as we speed down I-65 on our way to Louie...

Know that I said a prayer for the St Louis Duo and the DoD.
Know that I know that my Georgia Peach of a sister is in the right place right now.
Know that I tries to Keep It Trill on a regular basis.
And know that Ep... You're already there dude.
I still check in with Purple, Oldgirl and I got the best available spot in the Cheap Seats.

And the Zediniah family has my best wishes.

Oh, and to CZC... Blu Phi, GoMob and all that good ish on your ventures with the chilluns... You still shining light in dark places.

Back to the open road.


Hassan

Nope.

I am not having that conversation right now.

Seems pointless.


Maybe tomorrow, okay?

The More Things Change...

Joe Madison reminds us:

In America, our cultural conditioning infers to us that all things Black in nature are inferior, and things White in nature are superior and based on our conditioning African-Americans are undervalued, underestimated or marginalized.

We here in America practice this by choice and as of the past 40 or so years have not objected to this type of treatment based on our desire to bee seen and accepted as equals in society.

A lot of us have been misinformed, undereducated and are willing to turn a blind eye to the misfortune of this situation because perceived value has more meaning than actual value, thus forcing us to consider the aesthetic before fulfillment.

My wife were fortunate enough to attend the election nigh event and we were right there at ground zero when the election was called, when people celebrated and when he spoke. I only reveled in that moment because reality didn't have to hit me to know that the President-Elect has done nothing yet. We did.

Even those who voted for the other folk on the ballot participated, and according to this morning's numbers, five million more or so voted Obama than McCain. That means that there is damn near a 50-50 divide on ideology and philosophy. It also means that huge blocs of each electorate voted based on race. That's a conversation we seem to never have.

The marginalization of the President-Elect started the moment he threw his hat into the fray. From being a graduate of Columbia and Harvard Law, to becoming president of the Harvard Law Review to choosing to be a community organizer, to his first GOTV campaign on the south side of Chicago that helped put William Jefferson Clinton in office (which I was a part of, right out of the Army), to him teaching constitutional law for 12 years to him being a state senator and his rise to the US senate and his management and execution of the most successful, engaging and effective campaign in history as well as being a husband and father.

All the way down to his personal beliefs and his faith...

Even where he was born was marginalized, undervalued and underestimated to the point where his skin color didn't take a back seat, it rode shotgun with every other form of doubt, ism and negative opinion there could possibly be because some folks cannot wrap their heads around the fact that this man could be leader of the free white world.

And what type of global influence is that?

White privilege taking a backseat to the son of a Kenyan man and a White woman from middle America. I guess the Dunham family jacked out of that matrix from day one.

And you wondered why Jesse and Roland cried?

They lived something a lot of you haven't. That's where the call of change came from. Some of you will never know about what really happened yesterday. Some of you will never understand why there is no celebration in my house as well.

An old professor in undergrad used to always say: "Do the work, the answers will come."

Go To Work

I got a job for you... Get out and vote. TODAY. Your paycheck depends on it.

Get R Done. I did a few weeks ago. Go cop that sticker.

Ho-Hum...

Hey folk...

Nothing new here. It was cool having a week of silence. I really have nothing to say about the election tomorrow so why waste time? With the exception the racial labyrinth we're about to run through due to the politics of the electorate in this election all I can I say is be careful and protect yourself.

I think both senators can win this election fairly. I'm thinking McCain can win big based on his base not wanting Obama to take office and rallying bunches of undecided voters to make that so based on so-called uncertainty. I also feel that Obama can win big as well if the science experiment called the black vote actually comes out and votes in record numbers, that blended with a majority white electorate voting democrat actually doing what they say they'll do in voting could put Obama over in record numbers. It looks like if we are to actually make history we'll need about 130 million voters to do so.

One thing.

It's only historical in the numbers of the thing. In all actuality, we're supposed to have been here years ago.

We just never had that convo on race.

And now we must deal with the outcome tomorrow, whatever that is. I'm holding my tongue to speak on that. I almost let a presidential election distract me from the real issues.

And then I woke up and walked down my block, saw and felt what was really going on.

The revolution has already kicked off. The wife and I got tickets to the Obamaration tomorrow. I'll be reporting from ground zero with intel from the front lines.

Friends Close...

Sometimes, you just can't shake off that damn cold. No matter how much hand sanitizer you use, sometimes disease will follow you and infect that ass.

Info On The McCain/Palin Victory Party

I get these emails at the rate of 7 to 10 times a day. I thought you'd like this one. I'm still trying to find out how I got on this list. Glad I am though. How does that go? Friends close, enemies closer or somethingoranother?

Below is all the info you need for the McCain-Palin 2008 Victory Election Night event in Phoenix, AZ. If you have questions, please let me know.

---

*FOR PLANNING PURPOSES ONLY*

VICTORY ELECTION NIGHT 2008 -- PHOENIX, ARIZONA

For Immediate Release	Contact: Press Office
Thursday October 23, 2008	703-650-5550

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

PHOENIX, ARIZONA

Event: Victory Election Night 2008

Location: The Arizona Biltmore
2400 East Missouri Ave.
Phoenix, AZ 85016

Date: Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Coverage: Results Watching Party -- Open Press
John McCain Delivers Remarks -- Pooled Press

*PLEASE NOTE: There will be a closed circuit feed of John McCain's remarks into the press filing center and into the Phoenix results watching party.

Credentialing and Cost Information: Please visit www.regonline.com/mccain-palin. Credentials will be required to cover Victory Election Night 2008 in Phoenix, AZ.

###

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Forward

Oppression Is Worse Than Death: You Should Have Killed Me

We as a people choose to live in an oppressed state.

It is what pays our mortgages, it with proper payment of a deductible keeps our kids healthy and strong. It allows us to cruise around in comfort and also displays itself in stunning 1080p resolution. It satiates us after eating, keeps our teeth white and goes well with an ice cold Coke.

It is also responsible for the pacification and the complacent feeling that prevents us for fighting to be free and equal in this, the land we built and died for and shames me to high heaven when it comes to professing love for some of us.

The matrix has you.

I feel and believe that we all are equal in faith and intelligence, how we individually use our blessed tools are indeed at the discretion of each and every one of us. I cannot believe as I live and walk in this plane of my own existence that so many of us due to fear, lack of overstanding and knowledge of self choose to be oppressed than to actually want to know what it is to be free.

As Joe Madison would say:

In America today, our cultural conditioning leads us to believe that everything that is white is superior and everything black is inferior and we as black people as a direct result of this are marginalized, undervalued and underestimated.

Based on how the majority of us are handling ourselves in today's society, internationally/abroad and within this current presidential election I would agree that us choosing the safe path of inferiority because of what material things (credit, status and acceptance) we think we'll lose is damning and outright embarrassing. Of course, that's just my opinion.

Here in a historic moment in time we have a chance to gather ourselves and take advantage of capitulation, a declining real estate market, cultural openings and business opportunities with our cousins from the motherland as well as an emerging technological boon and a reshaping of the legislative, judicial and executive branch of government we lay dormant at the foot of the first step, unable and incapable of going through the door and for that I hold back a tear.

The amount of disposable income and investment monies we have as a people here in America is as much or even more than the amount of the congress approved bailout which means if we would be willing to direct a percentage of our financial power the impact on the world would be tremendous.

Blogging to black folks is the modern day equivalent to the negro spiritual during slavery, yet for the most part, we keep up with the jonses and find new ways to impress and offend and information to both help us succeed and for our own edification is minimal.

I guess a scared negro will really get you killed, so most of us play it safe and accept the double standard of living just to hold on to the table scraps master throws to us. There are and have been many opportunities to have banks, investment houses, co-ops in many business models, music distribution and ownership and media outlets owned and operated by brown-skinned people that all of America could have supported, but even at HBCUs like Moorehouse where the business program is sponsored by Coca-Cola, no one is being taught entrepreneurialship. They're only being taught to serve the master by working for business and never teaching the fundamentals on which this great country was built.

And speaking of those fundamentals, this country was built on industry, slavery, independence from foreign products and an intricate barter system that never put us in debt to another nation. What makes you think folks at certain presidential election rallies would believe anything else? The disbelief in a certain candidate's qualifications is solely based on marginalization, underestimation and serious undervalue of that person's ability to walk and chew gum, so leading the free, white world seems like a daunting task for anyone that looks remotely close to the current democratic nominee because after all this time in their minds, we are still chattel. Some of us have been upgraded to three-fifths of a human being, sorry I forgot about that.

And for the most part some of us act like prime property just to get a crumb off the damn table.

So I say just kill me. I should be dead by the hand of our chosen oppressor because I have always broken free of that train of thought and have always tried to tell others which is dangerous in nature to most of the folks that choose to stay in the matrix. I don't expect a lot of folk to understand where I'm coming from because most have not made the decision in their minds that freedom can be had because they sold themselves to an idea not dreamt up for folks that look like them but they still try by hook or crook to get there.

So I ask the complacent negro, the sell out, the chaser of the dream not meant for them, the next time you see me make sure to say hello when you see me on the street. The constant reminder of the walking dead will motivate me to stay as far away from the elixirs and spells that convinced you to shuck and jive your way back into slavery without even participating in the prison industrial complex.

Wait, there is no magic potion, you choose to live this way.

Prisoners indeed. Seeing my people in this voluntary state makes me wish for death if I have to live like that more than you'll ever know. Oppression is worse than a thousand deaths because you have to live with the fact that you'll never be able to truly live free. Voluntary oppression is freedom suicide probably coated in chocolate so at least it'll taste good going down before you meet your maker by accepting a living hell.

Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitude. I get that statement now more than ever.

As long as I have life in these bones I will choose to do things that I feel will make my family and I free. It's not going to come across as stuff other brown-skinned folk would do. Many times in the past you had an opportunity to pacify me but I saw through the lies and I've seen a lot of black and white folk you've pacified and I cannot live on my knees. My life stands for something now. I will not live in the house of the oppressed with nothing to fight for. You should have killed me when you had the chance.

Monday Afternoons

Are reserved for me to do absolutely nothing.

I don't bother with television or other things on this day, I just stretch, ponder things and write. I'm currently writing my first 'Blogging While Black' essay and I'm sure I'll post that piece sometime either tonight or tomorrow morning.

And um... For those that fear the safety of others in my presence understand that the real revolution is in one's mind and the fight can come many other ways than just in the physical sense.

That still doesn't mean that I haven't targeted certain folks, things and causes... I just have a method to my madness.

And just because I let go of the standard american diet, mainstream TV and look at the media (some blogs included) as a gotdamn joke doesn't mean I am not in the know. Being connected to the niggernet is better than a having fiber optic connection piped straight from Time/Warner.

Yep, and to think just a year ago there were folk that came here to see if they could decipher who I was screwing as I drove around the lower 48. To let certain folks tell it, wither I was a serious manwhore fucking a plethora of unsuspecting ladies on the same lie or I was some heartless chump with low libido hellbent on bankrupting big boned sistas trying to 'save' him from himself.

And you wonder why I disconnected from the world, concocting formulas to diffuse my hatred in a safe and effective manner.

Just hope I never relapse and run into those that pray for my downfall in my travels. I know the pen is indeed mightier than the sword but that does nothing to rid the urge to slap the shit out of certain folk in a effort to regain balance in my universe.

I'll keep writing. Fasting really helps diminish the urge to destroy. I was once told that I can use my powers for good and not evil, and I'll keep at it until I get this shit under control.

'Pray' for my follow through.

Peace be still in this mutha fucker... Please. Just be still dammit.

What I Know Now

Somebody actually emailed me yesterday and asked me if I was losing it.

No, not at all. I just applied some of the things I know from what I've learned in life.

See, I haven't always been the sharpest knife in the drawer but there are things that I've picked up along the way to me being where I am in life that tested me, made me open my eyes and see things and people for what they really are.

I went to school like the 'American Dream Handbook' instructed me to do right after I gave up on athletic scholarships and joined the military where I scared the shit out of my family and participated in 2 conflicts.

I've been a charter member of various fraternal organizations both overt and secret.

I grew up in fucked up neighborhoods and befriended 'domestic terrorists'.

I tried gang banging while in high school and ended up joining my best friend's church as a result of the hood shit not being as lucrative for me as it was for my older brother. The church things turned out to be lucrative for me sexually, but other than that I wasted my time.

I played organized sports outside of school as well because it gave me a link to my father. A lot of cats back then barely knew their dads and the ones that did only hung out with them on weekends because of work and school attendance respectively. I got my dad to come to some of my games and that felt good because he would call me out and coach would usually put me in because of that.

I went to Catholic school and thought after attending an Easter Sunday service at a Baptist church one year that maybe I was being called to the pulpit, so I jump into theology classes. Big mistake once I heard Dr. Kahlid Muhammad. I knew religion was basically a fear tactic based around myths and fables needing financial support early in the game. I left that shit alone just like I left gang banging alone: I couldn't sell cocaine and/or crack because that was some next level shit that I didn't want to get caught and go to jail for. Pops took me to see this movie "Bad Boys' starring Sean Penn and I never wanted to have to beat someones ass with a pillowcase of soda pops although I did kind of fall into a violent streak as a kid and honed the fuck out of it after joining the Army and learning to detach emotion and use it effectively.

I also would have taken being a minister to another level mastering pyramid and ponzi schemes on my unsuspecting flock, and jail time in my eyes would be eventual because I know well of the emotional attachment black folk have with church. People just want to believe, and I can exploit that.

I'm trying to teach my wife that shit, she understands but ain't game to learn further about emotional detachment because she's a nurturer.

I've worked in corporate America, held a couple of good paying blue collar career minded jobs with 2 telecommunications giants and the post office and walked away from all of them because I felt I could do more than just be complacent and take being treated like a sucker every damn day.

A couple of them joints made me hold a security clearance, Army included. I witnessed and read a lot. I learned more than I cared to know about a lot of shit.

I used to drink and smoke cigars with a minister who had a sex addiction. He told me some foul shit about how the matrix is structured that I posed to both an Imam and a Rabbi on different occasions, at different periods in life and got the same damn answers.

I got a chance to live overseas and as much as I like being an American, I should have never come back here, or at least that's how I feel sometimes.

I've aligned myself with folks most of my life that had no clue about themselves, their potential and never knew how to love and appreciate themselves nevertheless love me. And sometimes I gave them benefit of the doubt, even though I knew I would get burned because I want and need love and affection too. A couple of times I even allowed myself to be walked upon so that person whether friend, girlfriend or family member could feel some semblance of validation just to spit in my face because they could never find where they needed to be. That shit clogged my love arteries and made me dig deeper into that hatred I keep referring to in my blogposts.

There are times that I feel like I am incapable of giving love or reciprocating it based on another mother fucker's home training and how they apply their flawed shit to mine. I learned that most people are sheep, incapable of fending for themselves thus lacking the inner ass-kicker that they reach out for me to be, forcing them to believe utter bullshit because sometimes bullshit will give you purpose.

If you found out that there was nothing of a higher source to believe in, would the urge to achieve cease to exist?

Most folk that claim to be independent in thought have found a way to shake off the childhood indoctrination just to run to another person's theory... And then get their heart broken when they accidentally wander into the back room and find the man behind the curtain. For those that cannot escape the bullshit pumped into their heads during their youth, they become the blind leaders, chosen by blind followers to assist them in successfully wandering off the proverbial cliff...

Thus making their lives and the lives surrounding them as well as the lives they influence useless.

Well, I've seen enough and I'm tired of that shit.

From religion, political and fraternal affiliation to different fundamental beliefs in one's unalienable rights, what you think you know you really don't. A lot of companies, organizations and even friends and family have some sort of ulterior motive and they're waiting on you to fall for the okey doke because without you, their shit has no validation. It manifests itself in all of the isms out there and because a lot of us don't wanna' put in the work called self fulfilment most of us suffer.

Know that there aren't central banks (plural)
Know that politics are supposed to be divisive
Know that fear plays into everything from your mortgage rate to your tithe amount
Know that as long as you work for someone else...
Know where your origins begin or at least where they come from (religion, heritage etc)
Know that common sense ain't that damn common
Know that there is a class system, and it ain't always about wealth
Know that rich people aren't wealthy and the wealthy ain't fucking with the rich
Know that you can do all things by your damn self:

Emotional investment in another person, theory or movement ain't necessary if you're looking to please you.

Know that there are a few people that can read the matrix code
Know that you might just be a pawn in a much bigger game than you'll ever know
Know that when you're able to see it, interpret it and understand, you'll be able to avoid it

Most important:

Know that you can live externally from all of the bullshit, the fear mongering and lies

You don't have to go off the grid, but once you realize that everything around you from what you eat (how, where and what is used to manufacture it), what you see and hear (corporate owned, agenda based), to where and how you live (strategy and predetermination) could take away from you being healthy, wealthy, knowledgeable and successful. It could also take away from you being who you're really supposed to be.

Remember the old line about what we're supposed to do when we graduate high school?

How do you determine what you're going to do for the rest of your life and then take a contractual binding series of loans, leave the flock naked and know that that is what you'll actually do with the rest of your life?

You don't really know.

That's the real reason Sara Palin (and a lot of us collectively) attended multiple universities.

The one thing that got you down this path was and is when you put in the work, followed your heart and did your own thing. Those were the happiest days, weren't they? I was at my happiest when I was doing my own thing. I was detached from the all the theory. My health was optimum because I wasn't plugged into what the mainstream was doing eating, drinking and ingesting all of that stress inducing bullshit from TV, radio and such. I answered all my own questions with the help of what I learned and used my resources properly. I was my own man and then... I earned and lost money, followed politics and crafted some of my own isms based on other people's beliefs blah, blah blah.

Self realization, me seeing that me feeding into external stuff like materialism and validation through people, places and things made me a slave to the system. I live a simple life, make a good living for myself and my family and feed myself what is necessary, not what is mandated by the Jonses. I got back on my own path and I am a better husband, father, son, brother and uncle for that. I see the world for what it is and I am not here to preach to you about external things that need you to feed into it for you to get fed. There are too many priests, pimps politicians and the organizations they belong to that will hook you and turn you out causing you to never find the you that you want to be.


I left all that shit alone and I'm willing to fight to stay free from it. All of the organizations, secret societies, corporate owned media, drug induced food products, religious groups that needed me to propagate their unbelievable nonsense as well as bullshit people with bullshit agendas that needed me to validate their bullshit lives took a toll on who I am and what I am to become in my older age to my children, extended kinfolk and people that I can call friend. It took a lot to wane myself from the lattes, deep fried batter, the broadcasts and the toxic rhetoric. And that ain't crazy.


It's liberating.

All I Ask...

Is if you are indeed reading my blog (and that would be a very small few) that you read the posts previous to the last one.

Out of respect to candidates and certain folk that work with campaigns I choose not to speak against certain operations. No one tried to leave cliff hangers about what happened, I'm just not fucking with them anymore.

Nuff said.

I understand politics and what folk need to do to get elected. I also know that there has never been a presidential candidate in the history of this country that has had my interests in mind.

All I know is that I gotta arm myself, dig in and fight those that come against me and mine, and there seems to a whole lot of folk that have folk like me (and in some instances me and mine specifically) in their sights.

I'm ready for you.
I'm ready for y'all as well.

From grass roots legal action to guerrilla style freedom fighters literal, electoral and physical my boots are on the ground and blood is ready to be shed in any instance and at all costs for us to claim our birthright in this country as free men and women.

Barack and John have no fucking clue.

Well, a lot of us don't understand what I'm talking about either. It's okay. Stand for nothing, fall for everything.