Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

blah blah blah blah

Forgive me father, for I have not blogged... It has been 5 days since my last post.

I am tired. Seriously. I am fatigued to the point of not making it to my bed everyday, I have writer's block like a muh-fuh and I see a lot of things I've built recently starting to crumble.

I realize that although I have enough loot to live off of, if you attempt to put financial shit on the backburner, some of that shit will come back and bite you in your ass. Like last week... I borrowed from Peter to pay Paul (semi-regular thing) to get one bill collector off my back. That shit backfired. I made a deal to pay down some debt and resume paying on a timely basis (yeah, right) and when I got there to pay the arrears, I was asked for the whole amount! That puts me in a situation because a moving violation I never paid on but went to court for (3 times) puts me in the hole for the moment. I have a choice: pay my rent and bills and the debt in arrears and not pay the fine and court costs (I have until July 11th to this or I go to jail to "serve it off" - well, that's what the judge said) OR I can pay the fine and court costs, take care of my basic needs and pretty much ignore my bill collectors. Of course I have a house full of furniture and electronic goodies, so if I don't pay some of these bills they're coming for their shit. So the debate lingers. Which bank do I rob and how will I get away?

Another thing... I have severe writer's block. I have a ton of beautiful tracks to write songs to. Some I bought, others I created. I began my process like I usually do by preparing a lyrical skeleton and adding music as I go along. I got melodies, hooks, choruses - all that shit, but for some strange reason I cannot pull the lyrics and music together to create a single entity. Shame. This is some of my best work, and I cannot finalize it so I'm stressing over that.

I think what I might do is just quit everything right now, take the little money I have and just go. Somewhere quiet. And drink. A lot. For like 2 or 3 weeks. Okay, maybe not. I need to go somewhere and fast, take herbs and detoxify, but that'll cost too much. And that's stressful as hell in itself anyway. I'm thinking if I just pull out for a while I can get my bearings or at least I hope. I hate my job, I don't have time to relax, working out isn't helping (I accidentally stayed too long on the elliptical the other day and ended up hypoglycemic - I was thinking. About what I do not know) and I can't seem to keep myself together the 12 hours out of the day I am away from home dealing with everybody else. I haven't slept in weeks, but I'm tired. I wanna focus, but my attention span is defective right now. The phone is ringing off the hook and it ain't my friends and family. I'm losing it right now.

And that's who I introduced to a new friend recently: Stressed out Hassan... I hope that shit isn't contagious.

1 comment:

NameLiar said...

I don't think it is contagious but I think I am in a similar stress circle. I'm not sure which way is out. I feel like I have been backed into a corner. Now the question is am I going to cower or am I going to come out swinging?
Hell I don't know. LOL