Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Thursday, June 09, 2005

I Need My Sister

My mother's first born was my sister Robbie, who died of crib death in 1968. A couple of yeas later, after my brother I made it. Been here since. Wow, really has been a ride, but I'm tired... Just a little.
I wish my sister was here. I have so many questions to ask that an older sibling can only answer. I wish that in my mid thirties I had all of the answers to the "secrets and cheats" that get folks my age through. Okay, maybe not secrets or cheats, but there has to be a for dummies handbook to help folks get through pre middle age to middle age. I now question every move I make because at this point, failure is not an option.

One day, I started calculating how much debt I really was in, and I came up with a formula that I now use to calculate how far from homelessness and despair I am. I'm not far. I eat well, drink the finest alcoholic and carbonated beverages. I purchase only the finest growth hormone produced meats and cheeses. I dine out entirely too much. I see every major corporate sponsored big budget motion picture, I buy very expensive Afrikan woodcarvings and brick a brack in order to keep "in touch" with my roots. I fly to Vegas too much for no apparent reason (OK, I gamble and drink like a heathen when I'm there, but I bring friends too!) I never watch the 200 plus cable channels I have and I've seen a little porn on my overpriced high speed internet service. I iPod and wi-fi when I can, and I shop for... I need the new shit weekly.

None of this makes me happy.

I'd rather live without it...
Correction - I'd rather not pay for it, I feel like I can't live without it.
But I need to get rid of it.
I need to channel my energies into a meaningful relationship, and that means getting right with the creator.

Fast.

I know my sister would have been there to kick me square in the ass and set me straight. She would have told me about the subtle nuances on dealing with a black woman. I watch my mom and dad from afar. Big sis would have answered my calls at 2am and cussed me out for calling and hang up on my ass. Then she would have called back to see what was so urgent. My sister would have been there with me last month and the month before when all of my uncles and aunts started dying, leaving me to handle family business with a partner instead of handling it alone.

Then I realized that God doesn't make mistakes.
My sister was supposed to die.
I had to handle these things on my own.

I am overwhelmed right now with work and art. I can't seem to achieve balance of the two. I can pay my bills, but... Why do I consume so much unnecessary bullshit? If I were to die today, who would gather all of these things and where would they go?

Sometimes I feel that my big sister tells me to do the right thing.

Sometimes.

I know that is God.

I just wish she was here in person to give me a swift kick.

Sometimes.



4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know how it is to need someone's guidance. And yes its hard out there alone. But you are never alone, big sis is looking out for you. She is always with you.

NameLiar said...

I feel you man.

I am the oldest in my family and how I long for an older sibling to carry the weight and responsibility that comes with being the eldest child. But you were right in saying God makes no mistakes. We were put in our positions for a reason now we must find our purpose and in doing so I believe we will find peace.

Hassan said...

The whole life is a marathon thing must be true. I've hit mile 13 and "the wall" hurts. I know hat I've got to replenish to finish the race, but my legs are cramping...

NameLiar said...

Rub them legs down man! You'll be fine. The race gets easier once your adrenaline starts pumping.