Version 2.0

Culture, healing, politics and bullshit - Not necessarily in that order

The general, socio-political and very personal rantings and ravings of a hip hop head from the hood hustling for change... Of himself.

You all know me and are aware that I am unable to remain silent. At times to be silent is to lie. For silence can be interpreted as acquiescence.
—Miguel de Unamuno


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Thursday, September 15, 2005

Dissecting My Life Part 1



I think I found the source of my funk... Compatibility. I placed myself in relationships, jobs, clothes for that matter that are a little irregular or the fit is a little oversized, you know not snug enough. I'm sure a lot of you ask yourselves why a whole hell of a lot. Why do I work here, why do I put up with him/her and what in the hell do I live in this neighborhood for? These are questions I seem to ask a lot these days. I've never gotten a clear answer.

Let's start with my friends. My best friend is supportive of me but has no interest in art or literature. He has no desire to immerse himself in the arts, so gallery showings, theater and "the history of" has no bearing on his here and now. I am usually shunned when I bring up those things to him. That's my guy, but I wish there was a Niles to my Frasier. And no, she can't be female. Now this nigga loves the stripclub, well one in particular. If there's air and opportunity, he's on it and I'm always invited to go. Well, let's get something clear, the club is out in bumfuck Egypt so if dude is traveling to trick off some paper, guess who's driving? For me, the stripclub does not hold a warm space in the cockles of my heart. I loves the nekkid ladies like the next cat, but something about spending money to get a lil attention from someone that doesn't give a flying fuck about you and just got off some other nigga, juices still flowing is not very appealing to me. Now don't get it twisted, going out with my dawgs shooting pool, throwing darts and having a few dranks mingling with the ladies is something that I do on a somewhat regular basis, but I do not like strippers. No matter how fat the ass or alluring the body is, I just can't trick off my paper. I respect anyone getting loot legally, but too much cootie swapping and rent thieving goes on up in there for me to wanna go on the regular.

If I don't wanna go to the scrippa club, I get all this heat from ol boy. Like I'm some punk or something because I don't wanna have to go and take a piss in that nasty ass hut of a bathroom where cats is jagging off all out in the open to prevent blueballitis cause ol girl worked their ass up in a lather... And baby just took dude in the back and gave that nigga brain and she's right back out there trying to sit in my lap. Not gonna do it. I gotta work up the ability not to gag when I go, the smell of stale jism and alcohol as well as the cigarette smoke and that nasty ass body wash all the scrippas wear is intoxicating. In the worst way. But I love my boy, we just don't see eye to eye on that club thing...

My closest female ally is in love with a cat that did her dirty... A few times. He has since got in school, redeemed himself in society's eye and is really a model citizen now. They got counseling and shit seems to be working out but she loves dude, got a straight job that she's really into, spends the weekend with him and I can't get no time to hang anymore. Hell I use to call her ass at 2 in the morning and we would go out and snatch a drink and then go have a smoke and a pancake. Literally, she would smoke while we ate pancakes and shit, 4am at somebody’s random all night diner waxing philosophical over everything from quantum physics to if O'so Krispy stands a chance to be that girl in TLC. Although dude is in school all week and she has the free time, there is no time for me anymore. Gotta sleep in so she can be at work in the morning. It's that important. Did I mention I got her that job? Somewhat. Well, I convinced her to quit her job and come and work with me so that pancake run wouldn't be so far. And then I quit... She got promoted and the rest as they say...

I got a flirting buddy. She's in that category because, you know... no nookie. There is trust, respect, conversation, beating around the sexual bush, the sharing of hopes and dreams, sporadic dating and late nights talking on the phone for hours on end. Oh, did I mention we IM the shit outta each other? She has a fear, me. I'm older than she is, been a few places and have done a thang or two in my day. She wants time to do her thug thizzle. She knows that she's the marrying kind, and she knows I'm not looking but if the right situation comes along... she wants time to explore, wouldn't you if you were a decade my junior? But I feel even though she creates distance to maintain her individuality and do her thang, I gotta keep her closer than most. Just gotta. She provides sanity to my "in" and is so much of a balanced woman. She also is an old soul. Like Bernie Mac said "that heifer done been here before." I know what I wanna do in some respects, but I also respect her thang. Sometimes it gets hard cause' I know what I want but I also know what can happen if we bring it together on a serious note. That's where her fears kick in and rightfully so. I had my chance to play and be played in my early 20's and I respect anyone her age that wants to do the same. But on the other hand, I'm not getting any older. To hell with it, I'll continue to be what she wants me to be and where as well. She's good people and I digs her vibe. I was asked if I could be happy even if she did not want exclusivity. I said yeah. If nothing long term comes of this, I am happy to have been a cast member in her life story. That's how much love I got for her. She'll read this, so I say "do you mama, I'm always here".

And then there's this one friend who is my closest confidant. She's my lieutenant and I'm like some secret sergeant providing her with strategies, ammo and secret military files. We think alike so we mentally stimulate each other. Maybe in another lifetime we were either soul mates or we were warrior spies in the same tribe taking out the competition and capturing females to impregnate to further enhance our own tribe's presence, making more warriors for our fight. She says she has a dick, and psychologically I believe that because her overstanding of shit on a man's level is too damn great. She done been here before too, but she was some sort of pimp or an early 1800's lawyer. Them new age cats in the 1800s invented new forms of debauchery. She hasn't found the key to unlock the time machine to speak with her inner pimp/lawyer, but when she does she'll be dangerous. She's a little lost right now or maybe I should say she wandered down the wrong path and knows it. So as she treks back to the fork in the road, she has to make that big decision on which new road to take. This choice will determine where she goes in life and who she does it with. I have been summoned as both guardian and advisor, so I balance both jobs with patience and introspect, laying previous life experiences on her when necessary so she can make informed decisions. This is the only friend where I have a defined role. With everyone else, I need signals, instruction and mood analysis to see where I fit on that particular day. I have exes, associates, co-workers and business associates that I keep contact with and I must say (including the ex's) I have great rapport with everyone. Not that I want to not burn bridges with the ex's, we just knew that our relationships were not working at those respective times and we ended things without incident. Every one. And that includes anyone I've ever done business with as well. Nope, no car damage, restraining orders or bad business rep. I am blessed and lucky.

I guess I am CSI New York to the other's respective locales. I got my own thing and so do all of my friends, we're like an interconnecting TV series where all the major characters have their own subplot and supporting cast just like me. Every now and then we come together like during sweeps week and have a miniseries, but these days, those moments are far and few. Life seems to be taking all of us in different directions and although we'll always fellowship, I see and feel great distance coming between us in the future. This only means that I won't have to purge my friend list. I don't think that any of these relationships are harmful, so everybody stays put. For now. As I write this, I see that I have enough folks that care for me that I don't have to ask why, but I haven't started to analyze my living quarters or job selection, that's another long ass post...

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like it, I like it a lot. I may have to copy you on this one. Thanks for the idea of breaking down my cipher. That's the next title.

NameLiar said...

Who is this younger woman that you speak of? The hours spent on IM are ridiculous...so out of control. But oh well what can you do. I'm on this damn machine so much you'd swear I was getting paid to stay on. LMAO!

princessdominique said...

I admire your post. I've been in a funk too on and off for the entire summer. A change of scenery and mini vacation didn't help. I've analyzed my living space too. Normally for me, that does help--a lot.

www.princessdominique.com/blog

The Brown Blogger said...

Hey Dom... The exploration of my funk continues in a day or two. I think where and how I live is doing something to me.

I'll be sure to stop by your spots, touch stuff and not put it back correctly, and grab some feed info as well.

Anonymous said...

This is your closest female ally, here to say...

Would love to eat some big assed pancakes with ya (a schmoke and a pancake..lol)...but the part we have to remember in this story is that you are quite far away, luv. And yes, some things have changed, but not the luv. You know that. I've told you before you could come and crash in the city at my flat when you wanna get out of the burbs to chill, offered to fry yo' stank ass some chicken, ya know? Hey my door is open, babe. I'll just be glad when you get back so this won't be as hard. Will we have all the time we used to? Probably not, but time can be made when circumstances and locales are a bit more conducive, right?